To say that Agatha Bowen slept but ill that night would be unnecessary;
since there is probably no girl who did not do so after receiving a
first love-letter. And this was indeed her first; for the commonplace
and business-like episode of young Northen had not been beautified by
any such compositions. A second harmless adventure of like kind had
furnished her with a little amusement and some vexation,--but never till
now had her girlish heart been approached by any wooing which she could
instinctively feel was that of real love. It touched her very much; for
a time absorbing all distinct resolutions or intentions in a maze of
pleasant, tender pity, and wonderment not unmixed with fear.
Half the night she lay awake, planning what she should do and say in the
future; writing in her head a dozen imaginary answers to Mr. Harper's
letter, until she recollected that he had expressly stated it required
none. Nevertheless, she thought she must write, if only to tell him that
she did not love him, and that there was not the slightest use in his
hoping to be anything more to her than a friend.
“A friend!” She recoiled at the word, remembering how sorely her pride
and feelings had been wounded by him she once held to be the best friend
she had. She never could hold him as such any more. Her impulsive anger
exaggerated even to wickedness the vanity of a man who fancied
every woman was in love with him. She forgot all Major Harper's good
qualities, his high sense of honour, his unselfish kindheartedness, his
generous, gay spirit She set him down at once as unworthy the name of
friend. Then--what friend had she? Not one--not one in the world.
In this strait, strangely, temptingly sweet seemed to come the words,
“_I love you; no man will ever love you better than I._”
To one whose heart is altogether free, the knowledge of being deeply
loved, and by a man whose attachment would do honour to any woman, is
a thought so soothing, so alluring, that from it spring half the
marriages--not strictly love-marriages--which take place in the world;
sometimes, though not always, ending in real happiness.
Agatha began to consider that it would seem very odd if she wrote to Mr.
Harper, in his home, among his family. Perhaps his sisters might notice
her handwriting--a useless fear, since they had never seen it; and at
all events it would be a pity to trouble his happiness in that pleasant
visit, by conveying prematurely the news of his rejection. She would
wait, and give him no answer for at least a day or two; it was such a
bitter thing to inflict pain on any human being, especially on one so
gentle and good as Nathanael Harper.
With this determination she went to sleep. She woke next morning, having
a confused sense that something had happened, that some one had grieved
and offended her; and--strange consciousness, softly dawning!--that some
one loved her--deeply, dearly, as in all the days since she was born she
had never been loved before. That even now some one might be thinking of
her--of her alone, as his first object in the world. The sensation was
new, inexplicable, but pleasant nevertheless. It made her feel--what
the desolate orphan girl rarely had felt--a sort of tenderness for, and
honouring of, herself. As she dressed, she once looked wistfully, even
pensively, in the looking-glass.
“It is certainly a queer, brown, Pawnee face! I wonder what he could see
in it to admire. He is very good, very! I wish I could have cared for
him!”
Her heart trembled; all the woman in her was touched. But Agatha was
resolved not to be sentimental, so she fastened her morning-dress rather
more tastefully than usual, and descended to breakfast.
Beside her plate lay a letter, which was pretty closely eyed by
the Ianson family, as their inmate's correspondence had always been
remarkably small.
“A black edge and seal. No bad news, I hope, my dear Miss Bowen?” said
the doctor's wife, sympathetically.
Agatha did not fear. Alas! in the whole wide world she had not a
relative to lose! And, glancing at the rather peculiar hand, she
recognised it at once. She remembered likewise, to account for the black
seal, that one of the Miss Harpers had died within the year. So, whether
from the spice of malice in her composition she wished to disappoint
the polite inquisitiveness of the Iansons, or whether from more generous
reasons of her own, Miss Bowen left her letter unopened until the
meal was done; when, carelessly taking it up, she adjourned to her own
sitting-room.
There was not the slightest necessity for any such precaution, as the
missive contained merely these lines:--
“In my letter of yesterday--which I doubt not you have received, since I
posted it myself--I omitted to say that not even my brother is aware
of it, or of its purport; as I rarely inform any one of my own private
affairs. Though, of course, I presume not to lay the same restriction on
you. God bless you!”
The “God bless you!” was added hastily in less neat writing, as if
the letter had been broken open to do it. The signature was merely
his initials, “N. L. H.,” and the date “Kingcombe Holm,” which Agatha
supposed was his father's house in Dorsetshire.
Then, even there, amidst his dear home circle, he had thought of
her! Agatha was more moved by that trifling circumstance, and by the
self-restraint and silence that accompanied it, than she would have been
by a whole quire of ordinary love-letters.
He did not write again during seven entire days, and while this pause
lasted she had time to think much and deeply. She ceased to play and
talk confidentially with Tittens, and felt herself growing into a
woman fast. Great mental changes may at times be wrought in one week,
especially when it happens to be one of those not infrequent July weeks,
which seem as if the sky were bent upon raining out at once the tears of
the whole summer.
On the Friday evening, when Miss Bowen, heartily tired of her
weather-bound imprisonment, stood at the dining-room window, looking out
on a hazy, yellow glow that began to appear in the west, sparkled on the
drenched trees of the square, and made little bright reflections on the
rain-pools of the pavement,--there appeared a gentleman from the house
round the corner, carefully picking his steps by the crossing, and
finally landing at Doctor Ianson's door. It was Major Harper.
Agatha instinctively quitted the window, but on second thoughts returned
thither, and when he chanced to look up, composedly bowed.
He was come to spend the evening as usual, and she must meet him as
usual too, otherwise he might think--supposing he had not yet seen Emma
Thornycroft, or even if he had,--might think--what made Agatha's cheek
burn like fire. But she controlled herself. The first vehemence of
her pride and anger was over now. She had discovered that the dawning
inclination on which she had bestowed a few dreamings and sighings,
trying, in foolish girlish fashion, to fan a chance tinder-spark into
the holy altar-fire of a woman's first love--had gone out in darkness,
and that her free heart lay quiet, in a sort of twilight shade, waiting
for its destiny; nor for the last few days had she even thought of
Nathanael. His silence had as yet no power to grieve or surprise her; if
it struck her at all, it was with the hope that perhaps his wooing might
die out of itself, and save her the trouble of a painful refusal.
She had begun to think--what girls of nineteen are very slow to
comprehend--that there might be other things in the world besides love
and its ideal dreams. She had read more than usual--some sensible prose,
some lofty-hearted poetry; and was, possibly, “a sadder and a wiser”
girl than she had been that day week.
In this changed mood, after a little burst of well-controlled temper, a
scornful pang, and a slight trepidation of the heart, Miss Agatha Bowen
walked up-stairs to the drawing-room to meet Major Harper.
Her manner in so doing was most commendable, and a worthy example to
those young ladies who have to extinguish the tiny embers of a month
or two's idle fancy, created by an impressible nature, by girlhood's
frantic longing after unseen mysteries, and by the terrible misfortune
of having nothing to do. But Miss Bowen's demeanour, so highly
creditable, cannot be set forward in words, as it consisted in the very
simplest, mildest, and politest “How d'ye do?”
Major Harper met her with his accustomed pleasantly tender air, until
gradually he recollected himself, looked pensive, and subsided into
coldness. It was evident to Agatha that he could not have had any
communication from Mrs. Thornycroft. She was growing vexed again,
alternating from womanly wrath to childish pettishness--for in her heart
of hearts she had a deep and friendly regard for the noble half of her
guardian's character--when suddenly she decided that it was wisest to
leave the room and take refuge in indifference and her piano. There she
stayed for certainly an hour.
At length, Major Harper came softly into her sitting-room.
“Don't let me disturb you--but, when you have quite finished playing, I
should like to say a word to you.--Merely on business,” he added, with
a slightly confused manner, unusual to the perfect self-possession of
Major Harper.
Agatha sat down and faced him, so frigidly, that he seemed to withdraw
from the range of her eyes. “You do not often converse with me on
business.”
He drew back. “That is true. But I considered that with so young a
lady as yourself it was needless.--And I hate all business,” he added,
imperatively.
“Then I regret that my father burdened you with mine.
“No burden; it is a pleasure--if by any means I can be of use to you.
Believe me, my dear Miss Bowen, your advantage, your security, is my
chief aim. And therefore in this investment, of which I think it right
to inform you----”
“Investment?” she repeated, turning round a childish puzzled face. “Oh,
Major Harper, you know I am quite ignorant of these things. Do let us
talk of something else.”
“With all my heart,” he responded, evidently much relieved, and turned
the somewhat awkward conversation to the first available topic, which
chanced to be his brother Nathanael.
“You cannot think how much I miss him in my rooms, even though he was
such a short time with me. An excellent lad is N. L., and I hear they
are making so much of him in Dorsetshire. They tell me he will certainly
stay there the whole three months of his leave.”
“Oh, indeed!” observed Agatha, briefly. She hardly knew whether to be
pleased or sorry at this news, or by doubting it to take a feminine
pride in being so much better informed on the subject than the Harper
family.
“No wonder he is so happy,” continued the Major, with one of his
occasional looks of momentary, though real sadness. “Fifteen years is a
long time to be away. Though I fear, I myself have been almost as long
without seeing the whole family together.”
“Are they all together now?”--Agatha felt an irresistible desire to ask
questions.
“I believe so; at least my father and my three unmarried sisters. Old
bachelors and old maids are plentiful in the Harper family. We are all
stiff-necked animals; we eschew even gilded harness.”
Agatha's cheek glowed with anger at this supposed benevolent warning to
herself.
“I dare say your sisters are very happy, nevertheless; marriage is not
always a 'holy estate,'” said she carelessly. “But there was some other
Dorsetshire lady whom Mr. Harper told me of. Who is Anne Valery?”
Major Frederick Harper actually started, and the deep sensitive colour,
which not even his forty years and his long worldly experience could
quite keep down, rose in his handsome face.
“So N. L. spoke to you of her. No wonder. She is an--an excellent
person.”
“An excellent person,” repeated Agatha mischievously. “Then she is
rather elderly, I conclude?”
“Elderly--Anne Valery elderly! By Heavens, no!” (And the excited Major
used the solitary asseveration which clung to him, the last trace of
his brief military experience.) “Anne Valery old! Not a day older than
myself! We were companions as boy and girl, young man and young woman,
until--stay--ten--fifteen years ago. Fifteen years!--ah, yes--I suppose
she would be considered elderly now.”
After this burst, Major Harper sank into one of his cloudy moods. At
last he said, in a confidential and rather sentimental tone, “Miss
Valery is an excellent lady--an old friend of our family; but she and I
have not met for many years. Circumstances necessitated our parting.”
“Circumstances?”
Agatha guessed the truth--or fancied she did; and her wrathful pride
was up again. More trophies of the illustrious Frederick's unwilling
slaughters--more heart's blood dyeing the wheels of this unconscious
Juggernaut of female devotees! Yet there he sat, looking so pathetically
regretful, as if he felt himself the blameless, helpless instrument of
fate to work the sentimental woe of all womankind! Agatha was absolutely
dumb with indignation.
She was a little unjust, even were he erring. It is often a great
misfortune, but it is no blame to a good man that good women--more than
one--have loved him; if, as all noble men do, he hides the humiliation
or sorrow of their love sacredly in his own heart, and makes no boast
of it. Of this nobility of character--rare indeed, yet not unknown or
impossible--Frederick Harper just fell short. Kind, clever, and amusing,
he might be, but he was a man not sufficiently great to be humble.
No more was said on the mysterious topic of Miss Anne Valery. Agatha was
too angry; and the subject seemed painful to Major Harper. Though he did
what was not his habit--especially with female friends--he endeavoured,
instead of encouraging, to throw off his momentary sentimentality, and
become his usual witty, cheerful, agreeable self.
Miss Bowen, even in her tenderest inclinings towards her guardian, had
at times thought him a little too talkative--a little too much of the
brilliant man of the world. Now, in her bitterness against him, his
gaiety was positively offensive to her. She rose, and proposed that they
should quit her own private room for the general drawing-room of the
family.
The Iansons were all there, even the Doctor being prone to linger in his
dull home for the pleasure of Major Harper's delightful company. There
was another, too, the unexpected sight of whom made both Agatha and her
companion start.
As she and the Major entered, there arose, almost like an apparition
from his seat in the window-recess, the tall, slight figure of
Nathanael.
“N. L.! Where on earth have you dropped from? What a _very_
extraordinary fellow you are!” cried the elder brother.
“Perhaps unwelcome also,” said the quiet voice.
“Unwelcome--never, my dear boy! Only next time, do be a little more
confidential. Here have I been telling a whole string of apparent fibs
about your movements--have I not Miss Bowen? Do you not consider this
brother of mine the most eccentric creature in the world?”
Agatha looked up, and met the young man's eyes. Their expression could
not be mistaken; they were _lover's eyes_--such as never in her life she
had met before. They seemed constraining her to do what out of pity or
mechanical impulse she at once did--silently to hold out her hand.
Nathanael took it with his usual manner. There was no other greeting
on his part or hers. Immediately afterwards he slipped away to the very
farthest corner of the room.
It would be hard to say whether Agatha felt relieved or disappointed at
his behaviour; but surprised she most certainly was. This was not the
sort of “lover's meeting” of girlish imaginings; nor was he the sort of
lover, so perfectly unobtrusive, self-restrained, and coldly calm.
She was glad she had not been at the pains to write the romantically
pitiful, tender refusal, which she had concocted sentence by sentence
in her deeply-touched heart, during that first wakeful night. He did not
seem half miserable enough to need such wondrous compassion.
Freed in a measure from constraint, she became her own natural self, as
women rarely, indeed never, are in the presence of those they love,
or of those by whom they believe themselves loved. Neither unpleasant
consciousness rested heavily on Agatha now; her demeanour was therefore
very sweet, candid, and altogether pleasing.
Major Harper even forgot his benevolent precautions on Miss Bowen's
account, and tried to render himself as agreeable as heretofore, talking
away at a tremendous rate, and with most admirable eloquence, while his
brother sat silent in a corner. The contrast between them was never
so strong. But once or twice Agatha, wearied out with laughing and
listening, stole a look towards the figure that she felt was sitting
there; and encountered the only sign Nathanael gave,--the unmistakeable
“lover's eyes.” They seemed to pierce into her heart and make it
quiver--not exactly with tenderness, but with the strange controlling
sense by which the love of a strong nature, reticent, and self-possessed
even in its utmost passion--at times appears to enfold a woman--and
any true affection, whether of lover or friend, to those who have never
known it, and are unconsciously pining for lack of it, comes at first
like water in a thirsty land.
Miss Bowen's frank gaiety died slowly away, and she fell into more
than one long reverie, which did not escape the benign notice of her
guardian. He grew serious, and made an attempt to remove from her his
own dangerous proximity.
“Come, N. L., it is time we vanished. You have never told me the least
fragment of news from home--that is, from Kingcombe.”
“You were too much engaged, brother. But we have plenty of time.”
“Kingcombe; is that the place your father lives at?” said Mrs. Ianson,
who took a patronising interest in the young man. “What a pretty name!
Were you aware of it, Miss Bowen?”
Agatha, for her life, could not help changing colour as she answered
“Yes,” knowing perfectly well who was watching her the while, and that
he and she were thinking of the same thing, namely, the brief note whose
date was her only information as to the family residence of the Harpers.
“Kingcombe is as pretty as its name,” observed the elder brother,--“a
name more peculiar than at first seems. It was given by a loyal Harper
during the Protectorate. It had been St. Mary's Abbey, but he, with
pretended sanctimoniousness, changed the name, and called it _Kingcombe
Holm_; as a gentle hint from the Dorsetshire coast to Prince Charles
over the water. Ah! a clever fellow was my great-great-grandfather,
Geoffrey Harper!”
All laughed at the anecdote, and the Iansons looked with additional
respect on the man who thus carelessly counted his grandfathers up to
the Commonwealth. But Mrs. Ianson's curiosity penetrated even to the
Harpers of Queen Victoria's day.
“Indeed we can't let you two gentlemen away so early. If you have family
matters to talk over, suppose we send you for half-an-hour to Miss
Bowen's drawing-room! or, if they are not secrets, pray discuss them
here. I am sure we are all greatly interested; are we not, Miss Bowen?”
Agatha made some unintelligible answer. She thought Nathanael's quick
eyes darted from her to Mrs. Ianson and back again, as if to judge
whether, young-lady-like, she had told his secret to all her female
friends. But there was something in Agatha's countenance which marked
her out as that rare character, a woman who can hold her tongue--even in
a love affair.
After a minute she looked at Mr. Harper gravely, kindly, as if to say,
“You need not fear--I have not betrayed you;” and meeting her candid
eyes, his suspicions vanished. He drew nearer to the circle, and began
to talk.
“Mrs. Ianson is very kind, but we need not hold any such solemn
conclave, Frederick,” said he, smiling. “All the news that I did not
unfold in my letter of yesterday, I can tell you now. I would like every
one here to be interested in our good sisters and in all at home.”
“Yes--oh, yes,” responded the other, mechanically. “Any messages for
me?”
“My father says he hopes to see you this autumn at Kingcombe. He is
growing an old man now.”
“Ah, indeed!--An admirable man is my father, Miss Bowen. Quite a
gentleman of the old school; but peculiar--rather peculiar. Well, what
else, Nathanael?”
“Elizabeth, since Emily's death, seems to have longed after you very
much.--You were the next eldest, you know, and she fancies you were
always very like Emily. She says it is so long since you have been to
Kingcombe.”
“It is such a dull place. Besides I have seen them all elsewhere
occasionally.”
“All but Elizabeth; and, you know, unless you go to Kingcombe, you never
can see Elizabeth,” said the younger brother, gently.
“That is true!--Poor dear soul!” Frederick answered, looking grave.
“Well, I will go ere long.”
“Perhaps at Eulalie's wedding, which I told you of?”
“True--true. Eulalie is the youngest Miss Harper, as we should explain
to our kind friends here--whom I hope we are not boring very much with
our family reminiscences. And Eulalie, contrary to the usual custom of
the Harpers, is actually going to be married. To a clergyman, is he not,
N. L.?--late Curate of Kingcombe parish?”
“No--of Anne Valery's parish. By the way, you have not yet asked a
single question about Anne Valery.”
The Major's aspect visibly changed. In all the years of his acquaintance
with the world he had not yet learnt the convenient art of being a
physiognomical hypocrite. “Well, never mind--I ask a dozen questions
now. How could I forget so excellent a friend of the family?”
“She is indeed,” said Nathanael, earnestly, while a glow of pleasure or
enthusiasm dyed his pale features, and he even ceased his close watch
over Agatha. “Though I was such a boy when I left, I find I have kept a
true memory of Anne Valery. She is just the woman I always pictured
her, from my own remembrance, and from Uncle Brian's chance allusions;
though, in general, it was little enough he said of England or home. I
was quite surprised to hear from Elizabeth what a strong friendship used
to exist between Uncle Brian, yourself, and Anne Valery.”
Major Harper's restlessness increased. “Really, we are indulging our
friends with our whole genealogy--uncles, aunts, and collateral branches
included--which cannot be very interesting to Mrs. and Miss Ianson,
or even to Miss Bowen, however kindly she may be disposed towards the
Harper family.”
The Iansons here made polite disclaimers, but Agatha said nothing.
Immediately afterwards, Nathanael's conversation likewise ebbed away
into silence.
The next time Agatha heard him speak was in answer to a sudden
question of his brother's as to what had made him return to London so
unexpectedly. “I thought you would have stayed at least three months.”
“No,” he said in a low tone; “by that time I shall be far enough away.”
“Why so?”
“From circumstances which have lately arisen”--he did not look at
Agatha, but she felt his meaning--“I fear I must return to America at
once.”
He said no more, for his brother asked no more questions. But the
tidings jarred painfully on Agatha's mind.
He was then going away, this man of so gentle, true and noble
nature--this, the only man who loved her, and whom, while she thought of
rejecting, she had still hoped to retain as an honoured and dear friend.
He was going away, and she might never see him more. She felt grieved,
and her lonely, unloved position rose up before her in more bitterness
and more fear than it was wont to do. She became as thoughtful and
silent as Nathanael himself.
Mr. Harper never attempted to address her or attract her attention
during all that strange, long evening, which comprised in itself so many
slight circumstances, so many conflicting states of feeling. Almost the
only word this very eccentric lover said to her was in a whisper, just
as his hand touched hers in bidding good-bye.
“As I am leaving England so soon, may I come here again to-morrow?”
“No, not to-morrow;” and then, her kind heart repenting of the evident
pain she gave, she added, “Well, the day after to-morrow, if you like.
But----”
Whatever that forbidding “but” was meant to hint, Nathanael did not stay
to hear. He was gone in a moment.
However, that night a chance word of Mrs. Ianson's did more for the suit
of the unloved, or only half-loved lover, than he himself ever dreamed
of.
“Well,” said that lady, with sly, matronly smile, as, showing more
attention than usual, she lighted Agatha's candle for bed--“Well, my
dear Miss Bowen, is the wedding to be at my house?”
“What wedding?”
“Oh, you know; you know! I have guessed it a long while, but
to-night--surely, I may congratulate you? Never was there a more
charming man than Major Harper.”
Agatha looked furious. “Has he then”--“told you the lie he told to
Emma”--she was about to say, but luckily checked herself. “Has he then
been so premature as to give you this information?”
“No! oh, of course not. But the thing is as plain as light.”
“You are mistaken, Mrs. Ianson. He is one of my very kindest friends;
but I have never had the slightest intention of marrying Major Harper.”
With that she took her candle, and walked slowly to her own room. There,
with her door locked, though that was needless, since there was
no welcome or unwelcome friendship likely to intrude on her utter
solitude,--she gave way to a woman's wounded pride. Added to this, was
the terror that seizes a helpless young creature, who, all supports
taken away, is at last set face to face with the cruel world, without
even the steadfastness given by a strong sorrow. If she had really loved
Frederick Harper, perhaps her condition would have been more endurable
than now.
At length, above the storm of passion there seemed floating an audible
voice, just as if the mind of him who she knew was always thinking of
her, then spoke to her mind, with the wondrous communication that has
often happened in dreams, or waking, between two who deeply loved. A
communication which appears both possible and credible to those who have
felt any strong human attachment, especially that one which for the sake
of its object seems able to cross the bounds of distance, time, life, or
eternity.
It was a thing that neither then or afterwards could she ever account
for, and years elapsed before she mentioned the circumstance to any
one. But while she lay weeping across her bed, Agatha seemed to hear
distinctly, just as if it had been a voice gliding past the window,
half-mixing with the wind that was then rising, the words:
“_I love you! No man will ever love you like me._”
That night, before she slept, her determination was taken.