* * * * *
_Surgeon’s Daughter_--I’ve been so anxious, dad, to find out if your
operation on Mr. Bullion was successful.
_Surgeon_--Yes, yes. But I was only in the nick of time.
_Daughter_--Oh, so serious as that?
_Surgeon_--Serious? I shall say so! Another day or two and he would
have recovered without it.--_Sydney Bulletin._
* * * * *
_Globe Trotter_--Have you been to the Occident?
_Mrs. New-Rich_--No, really! Was anyone hurt?--_Lehigh Burr._
* * * * *
“I left a bottle of Scotch in the train this morning.”
“Was it turned into the lost and found department?”
“No, but the fellow who found it was.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
“Jack’s just been jilted by a street cleaner’s daughter.”
“Why doesn’t he sewer?”--_Pitt Panther._
* * * * *
_He_--She tries so hard to appear natural.
_She_--That dress ought to be a big help.--_Toronto Goblin._
* * * * *
_Husband_--Well, thank Heaven, the car is finally paid for!
_Wife_--Isn’t that splendid! Now we can turn it in on a new
one.--_Judge._
* * * * *
_Belle_--I’m going to sue that theme-corrector for libel.
_Nell_--Whaddyuh mean?
_Belle_--She said that my antecedents were mixed and my relatives
couldn’t be worse.--_Boston Beanpot._
* * * * *
_First Spinster_--Is it true that you are to be married, Miss Antique?
_Second Ditto_--No; but I am thankful for the rumor.--_Answers._
* * * * *
_Binks_ (teaching his wife to drive)--Release the clutch!
_His Wife_--Don’t be silly. I haven’t got it.--_Answers._
* * * * *
“What were Webster’s last words?”
“Zymosis, zymotic, zymurgy.”--_Pennsylvania Punch Bowl._
* * * * *
“The fraternity feud at Stanford is terrible.”
“Yes, I know. I’ve eaten there.”--_Oregon Webfoot._
* * * * *
_Father_--I got a note from your teacher today.
_Son_--That’s all right, pa. I’ll keep it quiet.--_Cornell Widow._
* * * * *
_She_--(anxiously)--Oh, sir, won’t you help a maiden in distress?
_He_--No, not in that dress.--_Dartmouth Jack O’Lantern._
* * * * *
_Diag_--Is he dumb?
_Nosis_--Is he dumb? He broke his leg once and the S. P. C. A. wanted
to shoot him.--_Pitt Panther._
* * * * *
_First College President_: What is the difference between a beautiful
and a dumb stenographer?
_Second College President_: You can fire the dumb one.--_Wesleyan Wasp._
* * * * *
“By the way, Joe, don’t worry any more about that ten dollars you owe
me.”
“How come? Don’t you want it?”
“Not that, but there’s no use both of us worrying about
it.”--_Dartmouth Jack-O’Lantern._
* * * * *
_Prof_--Make a sentence with the word “prestige” in it.
_Stude_--Last night I “prestige” pants and now look at
them.--_Cincinnati Cynic._
* * * * *
“Do you like running?”
“No the cinders always get in my eye.”--_Brown Jug._
* * * * *
_Browne_--Did you give your wife that little lecture on economy you
talked about?
_Baker_--Yes.
“Any result?”
“Yes, I’ve got to give up smoking.”--_Answers._
* * * * *
_Badly Bruised Boxer_--I can ’ardly see ’im now.
_Second_--Never mind--’it ’im from memory.--_London Opinion._
* * * * *
Two old maids went for a tramp in the woods. The tramp
escaped.--_Weslian Wasp._
* * * * *
“Did you see any signs of law and order when you were in Chicago?”
“There were some ‘Keep Off the Grass’ signs in the parks.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
_First Roman_ (at a Christian massacre)--We’ve got a capacity crowd,
but still we’re losing money. The upkeep on the lions must be pretty
heavy.
_Second Roman_--Yes, sir; these lions sure do eat the
prophets.--_Grinnell Malteaser._
* * * * *
_Lady_--I want to see some kid gloves for my eight year old daughter,
please.
_Polite Clerk_--Yes, madame. White kid?
_Lady_--SIR!--_Carolina Buccaneer._
* * * * *
Try this one on your girl: Get her to say “Stewed Prunes” with her eyes
closed. It’s easy.--_Texas Ranger._
* * * * *
The coach told him to do some shadow boxing, and he waited for the
shadow to hit first.--_Yale Record._
* * * * *
_Absent Minded Business Man_ (after kissing his wife)--Now dear, I will
dictate a couple of letters.--_Arizona Kitty Kat._
* * * * *
_Squire_--How can I tell whether a man is a Christian or a Moslem?
_Knight_--Ask him for a cigarette; if he tells you to go to hell he is
a Christian.--_Cornell Widow._
* * * * *
_Little Boy_ (returning from a swim)--Mother, Papa certainly is a good
swimmer.
_Mother_--Why, sonny, your papa cannot swim a stroke.
_Little Boy_--Well, anyway, he can sure stay under water a long
time.--_Penn. Punch Bowl._
* * * * *
_She_--Why should I let you kiss me?
_He_--Well, if you want a technical explanation, it will take some
time. It’s like this--
_She_--Oh, go ahead and kiss me.--_Everybody’s Weekly._
* * * * *
_Diner_ (trying to cut his steak)--Say, waiter, how was this steak
cooked?
_Waiter_--Smothered with onions, sir.
_Diner_--Well, it sure died hard.--_Yale Record._
* * * * *
_He_ (mushily)--Thinking of me, darling?
_She_--Oh, was I laughing?--I’m so sorry.--_Passing Show._
* * * * *
_Wife_--Golf, golf, golf. I really believe if you spent a Sunday home I
should die.
_Hubby_--It’s no use talking like that, dear; you can’t bribe
me.--_Tatler._
* * * * *
“I can’t understand,” explained the restaurant manager, “why customers
complain. This soup is really excellent.”
“They wouldn’t grumble, sir,” replied the waiter, “if the chef would
admit it is soup. He says it’s coffee.”--_Answers._
* * * * *
The emigrant was buying his ticket at the shipping office.
“And what about your trunk?” demanded the clerk.
“For what would I be wantin’ a thrunk?”
“To put your clothes in, of course,” replied the clerk.
“What?” cried the scandalized emigrant, “and me go naked?”--_Tit Bits._
* * * * *
_Wife_--Every time you see a pretty girl you forget you are married.
_Husband_--You’re wrong, my dear. Nothing brings home the fact with so
much force.--_Chicago._
* * * * *
_Betty_--Have you any green lipstick?
_Shop Assistant_--Green lipstick?
_Betty_--Yes, a railway guide is taking me out tonight.--_Everybody’s
Weekly._
* * * * *
“The world is round, isn’t it?”
“Right-o.”
“Then if I wanted to go east, I could eventually get there by going
west.”
“What are you, a taxi driver?”--_Hamilton Royal Gaboon._
* * * * *