* * * * *
“I’m going down town to buy a sport dress.”
“But, you won’t need it at this time of the year.”
“Oh, yes, I will. I’m going to shoot my husband.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
_Whiz_--I see that newspaper’s slogan is: “All the News That’s Fit to
Print!” What becomes of the rest of it?
_Bang_--The tabloids use it.--_Judge._
* * * * *
“How could you play hookey from the correspondence school?”
“I sent them an empty envelope.”--_Boston Transcript._
* * * * *
“Does your wife drive the car?”
“Only when I am at the wheel.”--_Boston Transcript._
* * * * *
“I have,” said the diplomat, “a secretary in whose secrecy I can trust
absolutely. In the first place, she does not understand what I dictate,
and the second, she forgets what she has written.”--_Pathfinder._
* * * * *
“Give me a sentence with the word ‘Ethel’.”
“Ethel to be poor, ain’t it?”--_Navy Log._
* * * * *
“Let’s get drunk and make merry.”
“Mary who?”--_Dartmouth Jack O’Lantern._
* * * * *
_He_--Were you out last night, too?
_She_--I should say not, I only had a drop.--_M. I. T. Voo Doo._
* * * * *
In the local museum there is a bust of a famous Scotchman. Rightly
enough below his noble Caledonian features is a sign which reads,
“Don’t Touch.”--_Wisconsin Octopus._
* * * * *
_Prof._--Can you give the definition of watt?
_P. B. K._--A watt is an inquisitive pronoun.--_Penn Punch Bowl._
* * * * *
_First Rooster_--What’s the old hen looking so glum about?
_Second Male Chicken_--Oh, she’s brooding over her chickens.--_M. I. T.
Voo Doo._
* * * * *
“Ah, good-mornin’, Mrs. Murphy, how is everythin’?”
“Sure, an’ I’m havin’ a grand time uv it between me husband and
the fire. If I keep me oye on the wan the other is sure to go
out.”--_Answers._
* * * * *
“I see the bulls got ‘Slim’.”
“Yeah--jes’ as he was goin’ to the theatre to see ‘Abie’s Irish Rose’.”
“Oh well--he only got five years--he can see it when he comes
out.”--_Judge._
* * * * *
“Was your uncle’s life insured?”
“No, he was a total loss.”--_Oklahoma Whirlwind._
* * * * *
“I got a hunch.”
“Really. I thought you were just round shouldered.”--_Williams Purple
Cow._
* * * * *
“This vacation I’m going to spend all my time ice skating, skiing and
necking.”
“Where do you live?”
“Miami, Florida.”--_Penn Punch Bowl._
* * * * *
_Agent_--Sir, I have an attachment for your typewriter.
_Busy Man_--Well, settle it with her. I can’t be bothered with your
love affairs.--_Dennison Flamingo._
* * * * *
_Lady_--You say your father was injured in an explosion. How did it
happen?
_Child_--Well, Mother said it was too much yeast, but Father said it
was too much sugar.--_Iowa State Green Gander._
* * * * *
“What kind of a dress did Betty wear at the party last night?”
“I don’t remember; it was checked I think.”
“Say what kind of a party was that?”--_Dennison Flamingo._
* * * * *
_Doctor_--What you need is a long sea voyage; can you manage it?
_Patient_--Quite easily. I’m captain on an ocean going liner.--_Gaiety._
* * * * *
_Hubby_--I sure miss that old cuspidor since it’s been gone.
_Wifey_--You missed it before, too. That’s why it’s gone.--_Capper’s
Weekly._
* * * * *
“How did Bill go blind--bad liquor?”
“No; he saw a lighted cigarette in the dark and thought it was a
keyhole.”--_Virginia Reel._
* * * * *
_Cat_--I see Mable has a new dress.
_Tom_--Yes, she made it from odds and ends.
_Cat_--Well, it’s odd where it ends.--_Stevens Tech. Stone Mill._
* * * * *
“Your wife is very broadminded, isn’t she?”
“Oh, wonderfully! She believes there are always two sides to every
question--her own and her mother’s.”--_Sydney Bulletin._
* * * * *
“I was coming over to see you last night.”
“I wish you had; I wasn’t home.”--_Oregon Webfoot._
* * * * *
_Jean_--What are you stopping for, Tom?
_Varnish_--To see if I have a flat tire or not.--_Nebraska Awgawan._
* * * * *
“How did you know that the car was crowded?”
“Why, even the men couldn’t get a seat.”--_Rutgers Chanticleer._
* * * * *
“That girl reminds me of a crowbar.”
“How come?”
“There’s not much to crow about and she doesn’t bar anything.”--_Lehigh
Burr._
* * * * *
_Small Dorothy_--Mamma, why hasn’t Papa any hair?
_Mother_--Because he thinks so much, dear.
_Dorothy_--Why have you so much, Mamma?
_Mother_--Go away and do your lessons!--_Iowa Frivol._
* * * * *
_Passenger_ (on board)--Could I see the Captain?
_First Mate_--He’s forward, miss.