AUGUSTUS. The great advantage of being at war, madam, is that nobody
takes the slightest notice of the House of Commons. No doubt it is
sometimes necessary for a Minister to soothe the more seditious members
of that assembly by giving a pledge or two; but the War Office takes no
notice of such things.
THE LADY [staring at him]. Then you think this list of gun emplacements
doesn't matter!!
AUGUSTUS. By no means, madam. It matters very much indeed. If this spy
were to obtain possession of the list, Blueloo would tell the story at
every dinner-table in London; and--
THE LADY. And you might lose your post. Of course.
AUGUSTUS [amazed and indignant]. I lose my post! What are you dreaming
about, madam? How could I possibly be spared? There are hardly
Highcastles enough at present to fill half the posts created by this
war. No: Blueloo would not go that far. He is at least a gentleman. But
I should be chaffed; and, frankly, I don't like being chaffed.
THE LADY. Of course not. Who does? It would never do. Oh never, never.
AUGUSTUS. I'm glad you see it in that light. And now, as a measure
of security, I shall put that list in my pocket. [He begins searching
vainly from drawer to drawer in the writing-table.] Where on earth--?
What the dickens did I--? That's very odd: I--Where the deuce--? I
thought I had put it in the--Oh, here it is! No: this is Lucy's last
letter.
THE LADY [elegiacally]. Lucy's Last Letter! What a title for a picture
play!
AUGUSTUS [delighted]. Yes: it is, isn't it? Lucy appeals to the
imagination like no other woman. By the way [handing over the letter],
I wonder could you read it for me? Lucy is a darling girl; but I really
can't read her writing. In London I get the office typist to decipher it
and make me a typed copy; but here there is nobody.
THE LADY [puzzling over it]. It is really almost illegible. I think the
beginning is meant for "Dearest Gus."
AUGUSTUS [eagerly]. Yes: that is what she usually calls me. Please go
on.
THE LADY [trying to decipher it]. "What a"--"what a"--oh yes: "what a
forgetful old"--something--"you are!" I can't make out the word.
AUGUSTUS [greatly interested]. Is it blighter? That is a favorite
expression of hers.
THE LADY. I think so. At all events it begins with a B. [Reading.] "What
a forgetful old"--[she is interrupted by a knock at the door.]
AUGUSTUS [impatiently]. Come in. [The clerk enters, clean shaven and in
khaki, with an official paper and an envelope in his hand.] What is this
ridiculous mummery sir?
THE CLERK [coming to the table and exhibiting his uniform to both].
They've passed me. The recruiting officer come for me. I've had my two
and seven.
AUGUSTUS [rising wrathfully]. I shall not permit it. What do they
mean by taking my office staff? Good God! they will be taking our hunt
servants next. [Confronting the clerk.] What did the man mean? What did
he say?
THE CLERK. He said that now you was on the job we'd want another million
men, and he was going to take the old-age pensioners or anyone he could
get.
AUGUSTUS. And did you dare to knock at my door and interrupt my business
with this lady to repeat this man's ineptitudes?
THE CLERK. No. I come because the waiter from the hotel brought this
paper. You left it on the coffeeroom breakfast-table this morning.
THE LADY [intercepting it]. It is the list. Good heavens!
THE CLERK [proffering the envelope]. He says he thinks this is the
envelope belonging to it.
THE LADY [snatching the envelope also]. Yes! Addressed to you, Lord
Augustus! [Augustus comes back to the table to look at it.] Oh, how
imprudent! Everybody would guess its importance with your name on it.
Fortunately I have some letters of my own here [opening her wallet.]
Why not hide it in one of my envelopes? then no one will dream that the
enclosure is of any political value. [Taking out a letter, she crosses
the room towards the window, whispering to Augustus as she passes him.]
Get rid of that man.
AUGUSTUS [haughtily approaching the clerk, who humorously makes a
paralytic attempt to stand at attention]. Have you any further business
here, pray?
THE CLERK. Am I to give the waiter anything; or will you do it yourself?
AUGUSTUS. Which waiter is it? The English one?
THE CLERK. No: the one that calls hisself a Swiss. Shouldn't wonder if
he'd made a copy of that paper.
AUGUSTUS. Keep your impertinent surmises to yourself, sir. Remember
that you are in the army now; and let me have no more of your civilian
insubordination. Attention! Left turn! Quick march!
THE CLERK [stolidly]. I dunno what you mean.
AUGUSTUS. Go to the guard-room and report yourself for disobeying
orders. Now do you know what I mean?