MOURNING AND FUNERAL USAGES.
Nothing in our country is more undecided in the public mind than
the etiquette of mourning. It has not yet received that hereditary
and positive character which makes the slightest departure from
received custom so reprehensible in England. We have not the
mutes, or the nodding feathers of the hearse, that still form part
of the English funeral equipage; nor is the rank of the poor clay
which travels to its last home illustrated by the pomp and
ceremony of its departure. Still, in answer to some pertinent
questions, we will offer a few desultory remarks, beginning with
the end, as it were--the return of the mourner to the world.
When persons who have been in mourning wish to re-enter society,
they should leave cards on all their friends and acquaintances, as
an intimation that they are equal to the paying and receiving of
calls. Until this intimation is given, society will not venture to
intrude upon the mourner's privacy. In eases where cards of
inquiry have been left, with the words "To inquire" written on the
top of the card, these cards should be replied to by cards with
"Thanks for kind inquiries" written upon them; but if cards for
inquiry had not been left, this form can be omitted.
Of course there is a kind of complimentary mourning which does not
necessitate seclusion--that which is worn out of respect to a
husband's relative whom one may never have seen. But no one
wearing a heavy crape veil should go to a gay reception, a
wedding, or a theatre; the thing is incongruous. Still less should
mourning prevent one from taking proper recreation: the more the
heart aches, the more should one try to gain cheerfulness and
composure, to hear music, to see faces which one loves: this is a
duty, not merely a wise and sensible rule. Yet it is well to have
some established customs as to visiting and dress in order that
the gay and the heartless may in observing them avoid that which
shocks every one--an appearance of lack of respect to the memory
of the dead--that all society may move on in decency and order,
which is the object and end of the study of etiquette.
A heartless wife who, instead of being grieved at the death of her
husband, is rejoiced at it, should be taught that society will not
respect her unless she pays to the memory of the man whose name
she bears that "homage which vice pays to virtue," a commendable
respect to the usages of society in the matter of mourning and of
retirement from the world. Mourning garments have this use, that
they are a shield to the real mourner, and they are often a
curtain of respectability to the person who should be a mourner
but is not. We shall therefore borrow from the best English and
American authorities what we believe to be the most recent usages
in the etiquette of mourning.
As for periods of mourning, we are told that a widow's mourning
should last eighteen months, although in England it is somewhat
lightened in twelve. For the first six months the dress should be
of crape cloth, or Henrietta cloth covered entirely with crape,
collar and cuffs of white crape, a crape bonnet with a long crape
veil, and a widow's cap of white crape if preferred. In America,
however, widows' caps are not as universally worn as in England.
Dull black kid gloves are worn in first mourning; after that
_gants de Suede_ or silk gloves are proper, particularly in
summer. After six months' mourning the crape can be removed, and
grenadine, copeau fringe, and dead trimmings used, if the smell of
crape is offensive, as it is to some people. After twelve months
the widow's cap is left off, and the heavy veil is exchanged for a
lighter one, and the dress can be of silk grenadine, plain black
gros-grain, or crape-trimmed cashmere with jet trimmings, and
crpe lisse about the neck and sleeves.
All kinds of black fur and seal-skin are worn in deep mourning.
Mourning for a father or mother should last one year. During half
a year should be worn Henrietta cloth or serge trimmed with crape,
at first with black tulle at the wrists and neck. A deep veil is
worn at the back of the bonnet, but not over the head or face like
the widow's veil, which covers the entire person when down. This
fashion is very much objected to by doctors, who think many
diseases of the eye come by this means, and advise for common use
thin nun's-veiling instead of crape, which sheds its pernicious
dye into the sensitive nostrils, producing catarrhal disease as
well as blindness and cataract of the eye. It is a thousand pities
that fashion dictates the crape veil, but so it is. It is the very
banner of woe, and no one has the courage to go without it. We can
only suggest to mourners wearing it that they should pin a small
veil of black tulle over the eyes and nose, and throw back the
heavy crape as often as possible, for health's sake.
Jet ornaments alone should be worn for eighteen months, unless
diamonds set as mementoes are used. For half-mourning, a bonnet of
silk or chip, trimmed with crape and ribbon. Mourning flowers, and
crpe lisse at the hands and wrists, lead the way to gray, mauve,
and white-and-black toilettes after the second year.
Mourning for a brother or sister may be the same; for a stepfather
or stepmother the same; for grandparents the same; but the
duration may be shorter. In England this sort of respectful
mourning only lasts three months.
Mourning for children should last nine months, The first three the
dress should be crape-trimmed, the mourning less deep than that
for a husband. No one is ever ready to take off mourning;
therefore these rules have this advantage--they enable the friends
around a grief-stricken mother to tell her when is the time to
make her dress more cheerful, which she is bound to do for the
sake of the survivors, many of whom are perhaps affected for life
by seeing a mother always in black. It is well for mothers to
remember this when sorrow for a lost child makes all the earth
seem barren to them.
We are often asked whether letters of condolence should be written
on black-edged paper. Decidedly not, unless the writer is in
black. The telegraph now flashes messages of respect and sympathy
across sea and land like a voice from the heart. Perhaps it is
better than any other word of sympathy, although all who can
should write to a bereaved person. There is no formula possible
for these letters; they must be left to the individual's good
taste, and perhaps the simplest and least conventional are the
best. A card with a few words pencilled on it has often been the
best letter of condolence.
In France a long and deeply edged mourning letter or address,
called a _faire part_, is sent to every one known to the family to
advise them of a death. In this country that is not done, although
some mention of the deceased is generally sent to friends in
Europe who would not otherwise hear of the death.
Wives wear mourning for the relatives of their husbands precisely
as they would for their own, as would husbands for the relatives
of their wives. Widowers wear mourning for their wives two years
in England; here only one year. Widowers go into society at a much
earlier date than widows, it being a received rule that all
gentlemen in mourning for relatives go into society very much
sooner than ladies.
Ladies of the family attend the funeral of a relative if they are
able to do so, and wear their deepest mourning. Servants are
usually put in mourning for the head of the family--sometimes for
any member of it. They should wear a plain black livery and weeds
on their hats; the inside lining of the family carriage should
also be of black.
The period of mourning for an aunt or uncle or cousin is of three
months' duration, and that time at least should elapse before the
family go out or into gay company, or are seen at theatres or
operas, etc.
We now come to the saddest part of our subject, the consideration
of the dead body, so dear, yet so soon to leave us; so familiar,
yet so far away--the cast-off dress, the beloved clay. Dust to
dust, ashes to ashes!
As for the coffin, it is simpler than formerly; and, while lined
with satin and made with care, it is plain on the outside--black
cloth, with silver plate for the name, and silver handles, being
in the most modern taste. There are but few of the "trappings of
woe." At the funeral of General Grant, twice a President, and
regarded as the saviour of his country, there was a gorgeous
catafalque of purple velvet, but at the ordinary funeral there are
none of these trappings. If our richest citizen were to die
to-morrow, he would probably be buried plainly. Yet it is touching
to see with what fidelity the poorest creature tries to "bury her
dead dacent." The destitute Irish woman begs for a few dollars for
this sacred duty, and seldom in vain. It is a duty for the rich to
put down ostentation in funerals, for it is an expense which comes
heavily on those who have poverty added to grief.
In dressing the remains for the grave, those of a man are usually
"clad in his habit as he lived." For a woman, tastes differ: a
white robe and cap, not necessarily shroudlike, are decidedly
unexceptionable. For young persons and children white cashmere
robes and flowers are always most appropriate.
The late cardinal, whose splendid obsequies and whose regal "lying
in state" were in keeping with his high rank and the gorgeous
ceremonial of his Church, was strongly opposed to the profuse use
of flowers at funerals, and requested that none be sent to deck
his lifeless clay. He was a modest and humble man, and always on
the right side in these things; therefore let his advice prevail.
A few flowers placed in the dead hand, perhaps a simple wreath,
but not those unmeaning memorials which have become to real
mourners such sad perversities of good taste, such a misuse of
flowers. Let those who can afford to send such things devote the
money to the use of poor mothers who cannot afford to buy a coffin
for a dead child or a coat for a living one.
In the course of a month after a death all friends of the deceased
are expected to leave cards on the survivors, and it is
discretionary whether these be written on or not. These cards
should be carefully preserved, that, when the mourner is ready to
return to the world, they may be properly acknowledged.