ETIQUETTE OF MOURNING.
There is no possibility of touching upon the subject of death and
burial, and the conditions under which funerals should be
conducted, without hurting some one's feelings. The Duke of
Sutherland's attempt in England to do away with the dreadful shape
which causes a shudder to all who have lost a friend--that of the
coffin--was called irreverent, because he suggested that the dead
should be buried in wicker-work baskets, with fern-leaves for
shrouds, so that the poor clay might the more easily return to
mother earth. Those who favor cremation suffer again a still more
frantic disesteem; and yet every one deplores the present gloomy
apparatus and dismal observances of our occasions of mourning.
Death is still to the most Christian and resigned heart a very
terrible fact, a shock to all who live, and its surroundings, do
what we will, are painful. "I smell the mould above the rose,"
says Hood, in his pathetic lines on his daughter's death.
Therefore, we have a difficulty to contend with in the wearing of
black, which is of itself, to begin with, negatory of our
professed belief in the resurrection. We confess the logic of
despair when we drape ourselves in its gloomy folds. The dress
which we should wear, one would think, might be blue, the color of
the sky, or white, in token of light which the redeemed soul has
reached.
Custom, which makes slaves of us all, has decreed that we shall
wear black, as a mark of respect to those we have lost, and as a
shroud for ourselves, protesting against the gentle ministration
of light and cheerfulness with which our Lord ever strives to
reach us. This is one side of the question; but, again, one word
as to its good offices. A mourning dress does protect a woman
while in deepest grief against the untimely gayety of a passing
stranger. It is a wall, a cell of refuge. Behind a black veil she
can hide herself as she goes out for business or recreation,
fearless of any intrusion.
The black veil, on the other hand, is most unhealthy: it harms the
eyes and it injures the skin. As it rubs against the nose and
forehead it is almost certain to cause abrasions, and often makes
an annoying sore. To the eyes enfeebled by weeping it is sure to
be dangerous, and most oculists now forbid it.
The English, from whom we borrow our fashion in funeral matters,
have a limitation provided by social law which is a useful thing.
They now decree that crape shall only be worn six months, even for
the nearest relative, and that the duration of mourning shall not
exceed a year. A wife's mourning for her husband is the most
conventionally deep mourning allowed, and every one who has seen
an English widow will agree that she makes a "hearse" of herself.
Bombazine and crape, a widow's cap; and a long; thick veil--such
is the modern English idea. Some widows even have the cap made of
black _crpe lisse_, but it is generally of white. In this country
a widow's first mourning dresses are covered almost entirely with
crape, a most costly and disagreeable material, easily ruined by
the dampness and dust--a sort of penitential and self-mortifying
dress, and very ugly and very expensive. There are now, however,
other and more agreeable fabrics which also bear the dead black,
lustreless look which is alone considered respectful to the dead,
and which are not so costly as crape, or so disagreeable to wear.
The Henrietta cloth and imperial serges are chosen for heavy
winter dresses, while for those of less weight are tamise cloth,
Bayonnaise, grenadine, nuns' veiling, and the American silk.
Our mourning usages are not overloaded with what may be called the
pomp, pride, and circumstance of woe which characterize English
funerals. Indeed, so overdone are mourning ceremonies in
England--what with the hired mutes, the nodding plumes, the costly
coffin, and the gifts of gloves and bands and rings, etc.--that
Lady Georgiana Milnor, of Nunappleton, in York, a great friend of
the Archbishop, wrote a book against the abuse, ordered her own
body to be buried in a pine coffin, and forbade her servants and
relatives to wear mourning. Her wishes were carried out to the
letter. A black, cloth-covered casket with silver mountings is
considered in the best taste, and the pall-bearers are given at
most a white scarf and a pair of black gloves. Even this is not
always done. At one time the traffic in these returned bands and
gloves was quite a fortune to the undertaker. Mourning is very
expensive, and often costs a family more than they can well
afford; but it is a sacrifice that even the poorest gladly make,
and those who can least afford it often wear the best mourning, so
tyrannical is custom. They consider it--by what process of
reasoning no one can understand, unless it be out of a hereditary
belief that we hold in the heathen idea of propitiating the manes
of the departed--an act of disrespect to the memory of the dead if
the living are not clad in gloomy black.
However, our business is with the etiquette of mourning. Widows
wear deep mourning, consisting of woollen stuffs and crape, for
about two years, and sometimes for life, in America. Children wear
the same for parents for one year, and then lighten it with black
silk, trimmed with crape. Half-mourning gradations of gray,
purple, or lilac have been abandoned, and, instead, combinations
of black and white are used. Complimentary mourning is black silk
without crape. The French have three grades of mourning--deep,
ordinary, and half mourning. In deep mourning, woollen cloths only
are worn; in ordinary mourning, silk and woollen; in half
mourning, gray and violet. An American lady is always shocked at
the gayety and cheerfulness of French mourning. In France,
etiquette prescribes mourning for a husband for one year and six
weeks--that is, six months of deep mourning, six of ordinary, and
six weeks of half mourning. For a wife, a father, or a mother, six
months--three deep and three half mourning; for a grandparent, two
months and a half of slight mourning; for a brother or a sister,
two months, one of which is in deep mourning; for an uncle or an
aunt, three weeks of ordinary black. In America, with no fixity of
rule, ladies have been known to go into deepest mourning for their
own relatives or those of their husbands, or for people, perhaps,
whom they have never seen, and have remained as gloomy monuments
of bereavement for seven or ten years, constantly in black; then,
on losing a child or a relative dearly loved, they have no
extremity of dress left to express the real grief which fills
their lives--no deeper black to go into. This complimentary
mourning should be, as in the French custom, limited to two or
three weeks. The health of a delicate child has been known to be
seriously affected by the constant spectacle of his mother in deep
mourning.
The period of a mourner's retirement from the world has been very
much shortened of late. For one year no formal visiting is
undertaken, nor is there any gayety in the house. Black is often
worn for a husband or wife two years, for parents one year, and
for brothers and sisters one year; a heavy black is lightened
after that period. Ladies are beginning to wear a small black
gauze veil over the face, and are in the habit of throwing the
heavy crape veil back over the hat. It is also proper to wear a
quiet black dress when going to a funeral, although this is not
absolutely necessary.
Friends should call on the bereaved family within a month, not
expecting, of course, to see them. Kind notes expressing sympathy
are most welcome to the afflicted from intimate friends, and gifts
of flowers, or any testimonial of sympathy, are thoughtful and
appropriate. Cards and note-paper are now put into mourning by
those who desire to express conventionally their regret for the
dead; but very broad borders of black look like ostentation, and
are in undoubted bad taste. No doubt all these things are proper
enough in their way, but a narrow border of black tells the story
of loss as well as an inch of coal-black gloom. The fashion of
wearing handkerchiefs which are made with a two-inch square of
white cambric and a four-inch border of black may well be
deprecated. A gay young widow at Washington was once seen dancing
at a reception, a few months after the death of her soldier
husband, with a long black veil on, and holding in her
black-gloved hand one of these handkerchiefs, which looked as if
it had been dipped in ink. "She should have dipped it in blood,"
said a by-stander. Under such circumstances we learn how much
significance is to be attached to the grief expressed by a
mourning veil.
The mourning which soldiers, sailors, and courtiers wear has
something pathetic and effective about it. A flag draped with
crape, a gray cadet-sleeve with a black band, or a long piece of
crape about the left arm of a senator, a black weed on a hat,
these always touch us. They would even appear to suggest that the
lighter the black, the more fully the feeling of the heart is
expressed. If we love our dead, there is no danger that we shall
forget them. "The customary suit of solemn black" is not needed
when we can wear it in our hearts.
For lighter mourning jet is used on silk, and there is no doubt
that it makes a very handsome dress. It is a singular fact that
there is a certain comfort to some people in wearing very handsome
black. Worth, on being asked to dress an American widow whom he
had never seen, sent for her photograph, for he said that he
wished to see "whether she was the sort of woman who would relish
a becoming black."
Very elegant dresses are made with jet embroidery on crape--the
beautiful soft French crape--but lace is never "mourning." Even
the French, who have very light ideas on the subject, do not trim
the most ornamental dresses with lace during the period of even
second mourning, except when they put the woolen yak lace on a
cloth cloak or mantilla. During a very dressy half mourning,
however, black lace may be worn on white silk; but this is
questionable. Diamond ornaments set in black enamel are allowed
even in the deepest mourning, and also pearls set in black. The
initials of the deceased, in black brilliants or pearls, are now
set in lockets and sleeve-buttons, or pins. Gold ornaments are
never worn in mourning.
White silk, embroidered with black jet, is used in the second
stage of court mourning, with black gloves. Deep red is deemed in
England a proper alternative for mourning black, if the wearer be
called upon to go to a wedding during the period of the first
year's mourning. At St. George's, Hanover Square, therefore, one
may often see a widow assisting at the wedding of a daughter or a
son, and dressed in a superb red brocade or velvet, which,
directly the wedding is over, she will discard for her solemn
black.
The question of black gloves is one which troubles all who are
obliged to wear mourning through the heat of summer. The black kid
glove is painfully warm and smutty, disfiguring the hand and
soiling the handkerchief and face. The Swedish kid glove is now
much more in vogue, and the silk glove is made with such neatness
and with such a number of buttons that it is equally stylish, and
much cooler and more agreeable.
Mourning bonnets are worn rather larger than ordinary bonnets. In
England they are still made of the old-fashioned cottage shape,
and are very useful in carrying the heavy veil and in shading the
face. The Queen has always worn this style of bonnet. Her widow's
cap has never been laid aside, and with her long veil of white
falling down her back when she appears at court, it makes the most
becoming dress that she has ever worn. For such a grief as hers
there is something appropriate and dignified in her adherence to
the mourning-dress. It fully expresses her sad isolation: for a
queen can have no near friends. The whole English nation has
sympathized with her grief, and commended her black dress. Nor can
we criticise the grief which causes a mother to wear mourning for
her children. If it be any comfort to her to wrap herself in
crape, she ought to do so. The world has no right to quarrel with
those who prefer to put ashes on their heads.
But for the mockery, the conventional absurdities, and the
affectations which so readily lend themselves to caricature in the
name of mourning, no condemnation can be too strong. There is a
ghoul-like ghastliness in talking about "ornamental," or
"becoming," or "complimentary" mourning. People of sense, of
course, manage to dress without going to extremities in either
direction. We see many a pale-faced mourner whose quiet
mourning-dress tells the story of bereavement without giving us
the painful feeling that crape is too thick, or bombazine too
heavy, for comfort. Exaggeration is to be deprecated in mourning
as in everything.
The discarding of mourning should be effected by gradations. It
shocks persons of good taste to see a light-hearted young widow
jump into colors, as if she had been counting the hours. If black
is to be dispensed with, let its retirement be slowly and
gracefully marked by quiet costumes, as the feeling of grief,
yielding to the kindly influence of time, is shaded off into
resignation and cheerfulness. We do not forget our dead, but we
mourn for them with a feeling which no longer partakes of anguish.
Before a funeral the ladies of a family see no one but the most
intimate friends. The gentlemen, of course, must see the clergyman
and officials who manage the ceremony. It is now the almost
universal practice to carry the remains to a church, where the
friends of the family can pay the last tribute of respect without
crowding into a private house. Pallbearers are invited by note,
and assemble at the house of the deceased, accompanying the
remains, after the ceremonies at the church, to their final
resting-place. The nearest lady friends seldom go to the church or
to the grave. This is, however, entirely a matter of feeling, and
they can go if they wish. After the funeral only the members of
the family return to the house, and it is not expected that a
bereaved wife or mother will see any one other than the members of
her family for several weeks.
The preparations for a funeral in the house are committed to the
care of an undertaker, who removes the furniture from the
drawing-room, filling all the space possible with camp-stools. The
clergyman reads the service at the head of the coffin, the
relatives being grouped around. The body, if not disfigured by
disease, is often dressed in the clothes worn in life, and laid in
an open casket, as if reposing on a sofa, and all friends are
asked to take a last look. It is, however, a somewhat ghastly
proceeding to try to make the dead look like the living. The body
of a man is usually dressed in black. A young boy is laid out in
his every-day clothes, but surely the young of both sexes look
more fitly clad in the white cashmere robe.
The custom of decorating the coffin with flowers is a beautiful
one, but has been, in large cities, so overdone, and so purely a
matter of money, that now the request is generally made that no
flowers be sent.
In England a lady of the court wears, for her parent, crape and
bombazine (or its equivalent in any lustreless cloth) for three
months. She goes nowhere during that period. After that she wears
lustreless silks, trimmed with crape and jet, and goes to court if
commanded. She can also go to concerts without violating
etiquette, or to family weddings. After six months she again
reduces her mourning to black and white, and can attend the
"drawing-room" or go to small dinners. For a husband the time is
exactly doubled, but in neither case should the widow be seen at a
ball, a theatre, or an opera until after one year has elapsed.
In this country no person in mourning for a parent, a child, a
brother, or a husband, is expected to be seen at a concert, a
dinner, a party, or at any other place of public amusement, before
three months have passed, After that one may be seen at a concert.
But to go to the opera, or a dinner, or a party, before six months
have elapsed, is considered heartless and disrespectful. Indeed, a
deep mourning-dress at such a place is an unpleasant anomaly. If
one choose, as many do, not to wear mourning, then they can go
unchallenged to any place of amusement, for they have asserted
their right to be independent; but if they put on mourning they
must respect its etiquette, By many who sorrow deeply, and who
regard the crape and solemn dress as a mark of respect to the
dead, it is deemed almost a sin for a woman to go into the street,
to drive, or to walk, for two years, without a deep crape veil
over her face. It is a common remark of the censorious that a
person who lightens her mourning before that time "did not care
much for the deceased;" and many people hold the fact that a widow
or an orphan wears her crape for two years to be greatly to her
credit.
Of course, no one can say that a woman should not wear mourning
all her life if she choose, but it is a serious question whether
in so doing she does not injure the welfare and happiness of the
living. Children, as we have said, are often strangely affected by
this shrouding of their mothers, and men always dislike it.
Common-sense and common decency, however, should restrain the
frivolous from engaging much in the amusements and gayeties of
life before six months have passed after the death of any near
friend. If they pretend to wear black at all, they cannot be too
scrupulous in respecting the restraint which it imposes.