PIG, n. An animal (_Porcus omnivorus_) closely allied to the human
race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.
PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers
in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The
Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians
--who are Hogmies.
PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was
one who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalms
through his nose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he could
personate God according to the dictates of his conscience.
PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction
--prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere
virtues and blameless lives.
PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.
PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary
encounter with oneself.
PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.
PLAGIARISM, n. A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable
priority and an honorable subsequence.
PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom
one has never, never read.
PLAGUE, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for
admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the
Immune. The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to know it is
merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless
objectionableness.
PLAN, v.t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an
accidental result.
PLATITUDE, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular
literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of
a million fools in the diction of a dullard. A fossil sentiment in
artificial rock. A moral without the fable. All that is mortal of a
departed truth. A demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality. The Pope's-nose
of a featherless peacock. A jelly-fish withering on the shore of the
sea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. A desiccated epigram.
PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic
Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a
frost.
PLAUDITS, n. Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle and
devour it.
PLEASE, v. To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition.
PLEASURE, n. The least hateful form of dejection.
PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained
nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a
saturated solution.
PLEBISCITE, n. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.
PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj. Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary
is a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he
never exert it.
PLEONASM, n. An army of words escorting a corporal of thought.
PLOW, n. An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to the
pen.
PLUNDER, v. To take the property of another without observing the
decent and customary reticences of theft. To effect a change of
ownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band. To wrest the
wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a vanished opportunity.
POCKET, n. The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In
woman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her
conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of
others.
POETRY, n. A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the
Magazines.
POKER, n. A game said to be played with cards for some purpose to
this lexicographer unknown.
POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation.
POLITENESS, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of
principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the
superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles he
mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice.
As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being
alive.
POLYGAMY, n. A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with
several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which
has but one.
POPULIST, n. A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found
in the old red soapstone underlying Kansas; characterized by an
uncommon spread of ear, which some naturalists contend gave him the
power of flight, though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuing
independent lines of thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had he
possessed it he would have gone elsewhere. In the picturesque speech
of his period, some fragments of which have come down to us, he was
known as "The Matter with Kansas."
PORTABLE, adj. Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes of
possession.
His light estate, if neither he did make it
Nor yet its former guardian forsake it,
Is portable improperty, I take it.