Well, if we ain't a been and had a werry pretty dose of reel London
Fog lately, I, for one, shood like to kno when we did have one. As
for its orful effecks upon tempers, speshally female ones, Well,
it's about enuff to drive a pore Waiter, let alone a hard-workin,
middel-aged Husband, stark staring mad!
[Illustration]
However, thank goodness, I've got one werry grand xception, and he
reglar cheers me up with his constant good humer.
I need ardly say as it's my old Amerrycan friend, who has cum back to
the Grand Hotel again, jest for to see what a reel London Winter is
like, and he bears it all, fog and all, splendidly. He was jest in
time to see Lord MARE's Sho from one of our best front winders, and
if he didn't sit there and larf away as the pore soddened and soaked
persession parsed by, speshally at the Lord MARE's six gennelmen with
their padded carves and pink silk stockins, I never seed a gennelman
larf. "Why on earth, Mr. ROBERT," he says to me, "why don't they
have it in the bewtifool Summer, for it's reelly a very splendid
performunce?" To which I replied, rather smartly, becoz I was
naterally rayther cross, "Becoz it has allers bin held on the same
honnerd day since the rain of Lord Mare ALLWINE, who rained sewen
hunderd years ago." "And has probably rained ewer since," he larfingly
replied, as he went out.
He thinks London a fine place for Theaters, and went sumware amost
ewery nite afore the Fog begun; but that rayther tried him, speshally
in the middle of the day; so he harsked me to tell him, from my long
xperience, what was the best posserbel Lunch with which to fite
agenst it. So I pulled myself together, and told him one of my good
stories:--"One of our werry best City Judges, who is passed and gone,
used to have a fat Buck sent to him wunce a year by the QUEEN, from
Windsor Forest. He didn't care werry much for Wenson hisself, so he
goes to BRING AND RYMER, wich is potical sort o' name, but it is
the Turtel Firm, and he xchanges his Fat Buck for Turtel Lunches all
through the cold, cold Winter, and they kep him helthy and strong for
years."
"Then bring me one of his Lordship's Lunches at 2 o'clock sharp,
to-day," said he, "and I'll try it." So I took him a scrumpshus bason
of thick Turtel, and a pint Bottel of CLICKO's rich Shampane, and he
finisht the lot, and said, "Bring me xactly the same splendid lunch
ewery day the fog lastes." And I did; and he told me as how it enabeld
him to face it bravely.
Well, now for my foggy story. On that orful Toosday as ewer was, I was
a going to cross Cheapside near the Post Office, when a stout elderly
Lady arsked me to see her over, and, just as we got to the Statty, in
the middel of the road, down she fell, and dragged me down with her.
A most kind Perliceman rushed to our asistance, and saved us both. I
then, luckily, got her a Cab, and took her home to ---- Square, and,
after paying the Cabby jest what he chose to arsk, she arsked, with a
sweet smile, if I shood be offended if she gave me jest a triful for
praps saving her life, as she said. I told her, as I was only a pore
Waiter, I was used to tips and strays; so she gave me a reel gold
sovering, and a good arty squeeze of the hand, and paid the Cabby to
take me home, and finisht by saying, "If you ever want a triful, Sir,
you know where to get it." And all I has to add is, that I thinks as
my better arf mite have been jest a leetel more grayshus, as I told
her, with amost tears in my eyes, of the graitfool conduck of the Lady
of ---- Square.