"TO MY BROTHERS CARL AND . _To be read and acted upon after my death._"
"TO MY BROTHERS CARL AND BEETHOVEN:
"O ye who think or say that I am rancorous, obstinate or misanthropical,
what an injustice you do me! You little know the hidden cause of my
appearing so. From childhood my heart and mind have been devoted to
benevolent feelings, and to thoughts of great deeds to be achieved in
the future. But only remember that for six years I have been the victim
of a terrible calamity aggravated by incompetent doctors; led on from
year to year by hopes of cure, and at last brought face to face with the
prospect of a lingering malady, the cure of which may last for years, or
may be altogether impossible. Born with an ardent, lively temperament,
fond of social pleasures, I was early compelled to withdraw myself, and
lead a life of isolation from all men. At times when I made an effort to
overcome the difficulty, oh how cruelly was I frustrated by the doubly
painful experience of my defective hearing! And yet it was impossible for
me to say to people, 'Speak louder; shout, for I am deaf.' Ah, how was
it possible I could acknowledge weakness in the very sense which ought
to be more acute in my case than in that of others--a sense which at one
time I possessed in a perfection to which few others in my profession
have attained, or are likely to attain. Oh, this I can never do! Forgive
me, then, if you see me turn away when I would gladly mix with you.
Doubly painful is my misfortune, seeing that it is the cause of my being
misunderstood. For me there can be no recreation in human intercourse,
no conversation, no exchange of thoughts with my fellow-men. In solitary
exile I am compelled to live. Whenever I approach strangers I am overcome
by a feverish dread of betraying my condition. Thus has it been with me
throughout the past six months I have just passed in the country. The
injunction of my intelligent physician, that I should spare my sense of
hearing as much as possible, well accorded with my actual state of mind;
although my longing for society has often tempted me into it. But how
humbled have I felt when some one near me has heard the distant sounds of
a flute, and I have heard _nothing_; when some one has heard a shepherd
singing, and again I have heard _nothing!_ Such occurrences brought me
to the border of despair, and I came very near to putting an end to my
own life. Art alone restrained me! Ah! it seemed impossible for me to
quit this world forever before I had done all I felt I was destined to
accomplish. And so I clave to this distressful life; a life so truly
miserable that any sudden change is capable of throwing me out of the
happiest condition of mind into the worst. Patience! I must now choose her
for my guide! This I have done. I hope to remain firm in my resolve, until
it shall please the relentless Fates to cut the thread of life. Perhaps I
shall get better; perhaps not. I am prepared. To have to turn philosopher
in my twenty-eighth year! It is no easy task--harder for the artist than
for any one else. O God, Thou lookest down upon my inward soul; Thou
knowest, Thou seest that love for my fellow-men, and all kindly feelings
have their abode there!
"O ye who may one day read this, remember that you did me an injustice;
and let the unhappy take heart when he finds one like himself who, in
spite of all natural impediments, has done all that was in his power to
secure for himself a place in the ranks of worthy artists and men. My
brothers, Carl and , as soon as I am dead request Dr. Schmidt in my
name, if he be still alive, to describe my disease, and to add to these
pages the history of my ailments, in order that the world, so far at least
as is possible, may be reconciled to me after my death.
"Hereby I declare you both to be heirs of my little fortune (if it may
so be called). Divide it honestly; bear with and help one another. The
injuries you have done me I have, as you know, long since forgiven. You,
brother Carl, I thank specially for the attachment you have shown towards
me in these latter days. My wish is that your life may be more free from
care than mine has been. Recommend Virtue to your children. She alone, not
money, can give happiness. I speak from experience. It was she alone who
raised me in the time of trouble; and I thank her, as well as my art, that
I did not seek to end my life by suicide. Farewell, and love one another.
I thank all friends, especially Prince Lichnowsky and Professor Schmidt.
The instruments from Prince L I should like to be kept by one of you;
but let there be no quarreling between you in regard to this. As soon as
you can turn them to more useful purpose, sell them. How happy shall I be
if even when in my grave I can be useful to you!
"And thus it has happened. Joyfully I hasten to meet death. Should he come
before I have had the opportunity of developing the whole of my artistic
capacity, he will have come too soon in spite of my hard fate, and I shall
wish he had come a little later. But even in that case I shall be content.
Will he not release me from a state of endless misery? Come when thou
will'st! I go to meet thee with a brave heart. Farewell, and do not quite
forget me even in death! I have deserved this, since during my lifetime I
have often thought of you, and tried to make you happy. So be it.