According to my promise, oh, apple of my eye! I dip my brush in the
ink-dish of love, to communicate my adventures in the land of the
barbarian. Tee-Tee! think not I have forgotten thee—nor yet that it was
those little domestic differences (which I look upon as gnats in the
bright sunshine of our wedded happiness) which made me join that
tremendous movement—now threatening the Celestial Empire with
depopulation—and presenting to the imagination the terrible possibility
of the Brother of the Sun and Moon (may his stomach extend!) being
compelled to brush out his own pigtail!
Blame me not for leaving thee in the night secretly. I could not have
borne a parting. I know thy love for me is such that, hadst thou known
my intention, thou wouldst have become frantic—and I should have been
quite overcome. My heart failed me as I stole past thy bedchamber door
on tiptoe; my shins quivered with emotion when I thought of thy tiny
gold-shodden foot; my cheek burned as thy delicate hand seemed to press
against it; and when I pictured to myself thy long and graceful nails, I
was as a man without eyes!
Enough, oh, Tee-Tee! This comes hoping you are quite well, as it leaves
me at present—Fo be praised for the same!
Our labours have not yet been crowned with success. I speak not of the
vulgar seeking after gold—to which motives the opponents of progress and
light have basely attributed the Great Chinese Emigration Movement which
has shaken the barbarian world to its foundation. Thou knowest better.
If thou dost not, after all I have told thee, all I can say is that it
is just like thee, for a stupid obstinate mule as thou art.
Our mission was to civilize the whiskered and shirt-collared heathen.
The light of wisdom had been too long concealed from the outer world by
the Great Wall. Thou mayst remark it was odd we never thought of
civilizing them till we heard of their finding gold—gold limitless as
the glories of the empire! here and in their other settlement of
Aus-tra-lee-ah.
Such a remark, oh, Tee-Tee! would be just about as sensible as thy
remarks usually are.
It was because the barbarians had found this gold they stood in need of
our assistance more than ever. Could such people be expected to know the
use of wealth; I ask—could they? And as for once in my life in
addressing thee, I can have all the talk to myself—without waiting for
thy doubtless illogical reply—I answer, No, they couldn't.
[Illustration:
_An Exraordinary Movement in China—or an alteration in "The Willow
Pattern"—at last!!_
]
It became our duty, at all hazards, to teach them. We resolved, even at
the pain of leaving our homes and wives (it's no use thy getting into a
passion, oh, Tee-Tee!), to go forth amongst them, and accept the
presents of gold and treasures they would doubtless be too glad to lay
at our feet, in exchange for that intellectual wealth which we alone are
capable of dealing out with a layish hand. At any rate we could prevent
their doing much mischief—by taking the treasures from them.
But they are such a set of fools!
Our words of wisdom they receive with mocking laughter, or by calling on
their idols to send down curses on our eyes and limbs. So ignorant are
they, that they have no fear of the Emperor before their eyes; and tell
us, if we want gold we must dig for it.
And this is our reward! Of course digging, for a true-souled Chinaman,
is out of the question. In the first place, we should have to cut our
nails. In the second place, we should have to exert ourselves. In the
third place, one process indispensable to the work of gold-seeking is
called washing—a revolting idea!
The result is, that did we not, in our superior wisdom, know the value
of rat and puppy (which the barbarians despise), the chop-sticks of your
Poo Poo and his companions would be unoccupied.
We are not alone, however, in our misfortunes. There are several men
here of a superior tribe—which I think I have heard called Dan-dees—who,
like ourselves, have been trained in the ways of wisdom, to despise mere
physical labour, and think only of Man's superiority as evidenced in
their own persons; who came like ourselves, expecting to be received
with rich gifts and open arms by the drudging savages, whose wilderness
they had condescended to enlighten by their presence. These men are
reviled and neglected because they do not like to soil their hands—and
have never learnt to do anything!
My paper is out; and as, I dare say, thou hast already forgotten me, and
taken up with that atrocious rascal, Tom Tom—to whom thou wilt probably
hand this letter for a pipe-light, without having even looked at it—I
need add no more than the signature of the unfortunate