Lot 5.—A capital Guernsey Cow; a first-rate Spanish Guitar; two Breeding
Sows; and a lovely Chalk drawing of a "Brigand," by Miss Victoria
Hiceter.—(_Bought for £22 10 0 by Ensign Namby, whose features bore a
great resemblance to those of the Brigand._)
Lot 8.—Thirty sacks of prime Potatoes (Early Yorks); a patent Rat-trap;
a splendid Embroidered Cat; Wheelbarrow, never used; four ropes of
strong Onions; six dozen of the best French Cambric Pocket
Handkerchiefs; and a binocular Opera Glass.—(_Sold very cheap to a Gin
Spinner of the name of Baylis._)
Lot 22.—Capital Set first-rate Harness; several Embroidered Collars;
sixteen Hay Forks; three rows lovely Imitation Pearls; two bushels of
Buckwheat; nearly a peck of dirty White Kid Gloves (warranted cleaned
only twice); and a bunch of handsome False Ringlets.—(_Purchased by the_
_Rev. G. Hodder, who complained that some of the Kid Gloves would not
bear cleaning again._)
Lot 36.—Two pair of magnificent Top-boots; half an acre of fine Turnips;
one quart of Lavender Water; a sack of Oats; a dozen plump Geese; six
new Ostrich Feathers; and a bundle of blue Veils.—(_Sold to Mrs. Glyde
of the Rookery._)
Lot 54.—Magnificent Stuffed Spaniel (King Charles's breed); eight good
Spades; ditto Pitchforks; two beautiful Fancy Dresses (one Circassian
Slave, and one Mary Queen of Scots); several Vols. Italian Duets;
splendidly bound Family Bible (not much used); large Garden Roller; and
six loads strong Manure.—(_Knocked down to Lady Guy Tomlins, who had
brought her carriage to take them with her._)
BREACH OF PROMISE.
OGLES _v._ WINKIN.
On the day appointed for the trial of the wretched man MIKE WINKIN, the
rush of ladies was so terrific that, we regret to state, several highly
respectable females met with severe accidents. MRS. DE SMYTHE SMITH had
her bonnet completely crushed, and her body literally torn from her. She
was carried to a shop in the neighbourhood, where her head was
immediately dressed; her body, however, was found to be so injured that
it was thought advisable to take it off. MISS BEEVES, we are sorry to
say, also lost both her legs, they having been taken from under her in
the scuffle.
The greatest praise is due to MRS. INSPECTOR DAKIN of the T division,
who kept up a constant and strong supply of that body.
At ten o'clock MRS. SERJEANT BLUBAG took her seat on the _fauteuil_. She
was attired in a robe of _poult-de-soie rose_, trimmed with _peau de
lapin blanc garnie de demi queue de chat noir_, and with her hair _au
cactus_. On the "devotionals" beside her were seated the MISSES JUSTICE,
TRACTS, and GRUEL.
The prisoner on being brought in was assailed with cries of "You brute!
Oh, you brute!" which drowned the call of Miss Asthma the usher, for
"Silence, my dears! Pray, silence, my dears!"
Miss Wartz, Q.C., the celebrated authoress of the "Trials of Women,"
assisted by fifteen other ladies, appeared for the prosecution; and,
having laid down a lovely pair of braces that she had been engaged in
working, opened the case by saying that—
In the whole of her born days she had never heard of such a downright
cruel affair.
Ever since she had worn a filthy disgusting wig that covered her "seat
of reason" with horse-hair.
What on earth had come to the gentlemen lately was really more than she
could say.
But men's _suits_ now-a-days were so plentiful that it was the third
time she had appeared in breeches that day.
Really, marriage was made such game of now-a-days, that, terrible to
tell! Hymen had completely extinguished his torch; for, as he said, "_le
jeu ne vaut pas la chandelle_." (Great confusion and cries of "Silence,
my dears! Pray, _pray_, my dears! let us have silence.")
The plaintiff in this case is a very good young woman, in the prime of
life, and the pastrycook line;
Whose manners are lovely, morals excellent, character superb, and eel
pies divine.
Early each morning defendant would seek out her shop, and stop there the
whole of the day.
Paying, the great big silly, nothing but compliments for emptying the
whole of the stale-tart tray.
But his promises proved only pie-crust; for he suddenly left her to make
love to a cook-shop next door.
After having sworn the fondest devotion, and lived on her eel pies for a
good six months or more.
And now he sends her a nasty impudent letter, saying, carrots are things
he cannot a-bear;
Though, as the poor fond dear said, she was ready to _dye_ for his sake,
the very moment she heard he didn't like nice warm auburn hair.
Mrs. Sniggles was called as witness. She objected to say how old she
was. Might be forty—might be twenty. On her oath, she wasn't sixty.
_Would_ swear she wasn't fifty-nine. Was perfectly well aware of the
consequences of perjury; and yet _would_ persist in affirming that she
had not reached her fifty-eighth year. Objected to answer any more
questions as to age. (Objection allowed.) Knew plaintiff. Had called to
see her, and found the poor thing fainting. She came to a little when
the chemist's young man tickled her. Plaintiff hadn't eaten enough to
lie on a fourpenny-piece ever since. Wouldn't swear to a
fourpenny-piece.
At this point of the case, the forewoman of the jury stated to her
Honour that their minds were perfectly made up as to the guilt of the
prisoner: whereupon Mrs. Serjeant Blubag proceeded to put on the black
cap. It was of _crêpe noir_, splendidly trimmed with artificial flowers
of rosemary and rue, and had a very _distingué_ and solemn effect. Her
Honour dwelt for a considerable time on the wretched man's impudent
expression of countenance, asking him in a most impressive manner where
he expected he would go to, and concluded by sentencing him to marriage
and hard labour for the remainder of his days, as hanging was too good
for him.
The defendant was then removed in the custody of Mrs. Twentystone, the
turnkey, and an old maiden lady of a serious turn of mind was
immediately sent for, to prepare the man for his wretched doom.
[Illustration:
A REGULAR POSER.
]