Many of us owe to a visit to Astley's our earliest initiation into the
mysteries of histories; and we are of opinion that a set of questions
should be framed in accordance with these grand dog-mata—or horse-mata,
as a maliciously-disposed person might call them—which we have gleaned
from the boards of that great equestrian establishment. The arena of the
circus is not a mere desert of sand or sawdust to him who looks at it
with an intelligent eye, for many a wise saw may be picked up from the
aforesaid sawdust, if the eye itself does not disdain the humility of
the pupil. We subjoin a few specimens of the sort of questions and
answers that would be found to meet the case, if we looked at history
through some of Astley's grand spectacles.
_Q._ How was the battle of Waterloo decided?
_A._ By six Scotch Greys popping out from under two trusses of straw
beautifully divided into six, and representing about half a pint of
"standing corn," from which the gallant fellows emerged in time to
"discomfit" eight French cuirassiers, who retired before the battery of
the flats of the enemy's swords upon their highly polished
breast-plates.
_Q._ How did Napoleon succeed in crossing the Alps?
_A._ He was carried across in an open boat on the backs of four
supernumeraries.
_Q._ In what manner did the Emperor travel to Russia?
_A._ In a pasteboard hackney-coach, gorgeously emblazoned with Dutch
metal, and which had been discovered among the rich relics of barbarism
used for the old melodrama of Xaia of China.
_Q._ How did the Duke of Wellington behave at Waterloo?
_A._ He never spoke a single word, but pranced about, looking
unutterable things, on a piebald charger.
_Q._ To what are our successes in India attributable?
_A._ To Lady Sale having surmounted an extensive range of platforms on a
highly trained steed, and called upon "the whole strength of the
company, with a numerous train of auxiliaries," to "advance for the
honour of Old England," while the band in the orchestra played "Rule
Britannia."
_Q._ Mention some prominent points connected with the burning of Moscow?
_A._ There were several terrific bangs, which had the effect of throwing
a red glare over the whole scene; and several of the public buildings
fell like the flap of a dining-table, showing underneath a very ruinous
state of things; while the inhabitants appeared to be indulging
themselves in letting off squibs and crackers into the air for the
purpose of heightening the horrors of the conflagration.
_Q._ What became of Napoleon's trusty Mameluke?
_A._ On the last occasion that he took a part in public affairs he was
recognised as a baker who had been just pillaged and pummelled by the
clown in a pantomime.
_Q._ State some of the most striking peculiarities of the late Emperor
Napoleon?
_A._ He chiefly depended for his advice on the "ferry-man" of his army;
he took immense quantities of "property" snuff from a "practicable"
snuff-box; he granted long interviews to "females in distress," and
finished every alternate speech he made by declaring himself "the son of
destin_ie_."