I dreamt that Napo-le-on Bo-onaparte
Was waltzing with Madame T-e-ee;
That O'Connell, to study the regicide art,
Had a gossip with Fieschi-e-ee;
And Penn making eyes with Queen Be-ess I saw,
And Pitt taking gro-og with Fox.
And I a-also dreamt the Sun melted—oh la!
The nose of Lord Brougham and Vaux—
The nose of—the nose of Lord Brougham and Vaux,
The nose of—the nose of Lord Brougham and Vaux.
[Illustration:
Napoleon, at Madame Tussaud's, melting before the Sun of England.
]
SIR THOMAS BROWN ON WELSH RABBITS.
BEING A CONTINUATION OF HIS "INQUIRIES INTO VULGAR AND COMMON
ERRORS."
The common opinion of the Welsh Rabbit conceits that it is a species of
_Cuniculus_ indigenous to Wales; of which assertion, if Prescription of
time and Numerosity of assertors were a sufficient Demonstration, we
might sit down herein as an orthodoxical Truth, nor should there need
ulterior Disquisition. _Pliny_ discourseth of it under the Head of _De
Animalibus Walliœ_. _Seneca_ describeth it as an exosseous Animal, or
one of the invertebrated or boneless kind. _Claudian_ saith that it
delighteth to burrow underground in Coal Holes and Cyder Cellars.
_Scaliger_ affirmeth it to be like to the Hyena, incapable of Domitation
or taming, for the cause that he never heard of one being domesticated
in a Hutch. _Sarenus Sammonicus_ determineth it to be like unto the
Salamander, moist in the third degree, and to have a mucous Humidity
above and under the Epidermis, or outer skin, by virtue whereof it
endureth the Fire for a time. Nor are such conceits held by Humane
authors only, for the holy Fathers of the Church have likewise similarly
opinioned. _St. Augustine_ declareth it to be an unclean Animal;
insomuch that like to the Polecat it is Graveolent, emitting a strong
Murine, or Micy Effluvium. _The Venerable Bede_ averreth that it is
Noctiparent, as the Bat or Owl, and seldom quitteth its Warrenne until
Midnight, for food; for the reason that being Cœcigenous, or possessing
no organs of Vision, it loveth Tenebrosity.
All which notwithstanding, upon strict inquiry, we find the Matter
controvertible. _Diodorus_, in his Eleventh Book, affirmeth the Welsh
Rabbit to be a creature of Figment, like unto the Sphinx and
Snap-Dragon. _Mathiolus_, in his Comment on _Dioscorides_, treateth it
not as an Animal, but as a Lark. _Sextius_, a Physitian, saith that
having well digested the matter, he was compulsed to reject it; whilest
_Salmuth_, the Commentator of _Pancirollus_, averreth that one
_Podocaterus_, a Cyprian, kept one for Months in a Cage, without ever
having attained the sight of the remotest Manifestation of Vitality.
Now, besides Authority against it, Experience doth in no way confirm the
existence of the Welsh Rabbit as an Animant Entity. But, contrariwise,
the principles of Sense and Reason conspire to asseverate it to be, like
unto the Myths of Paganism, an Inanimant Body, vivificated by the
Ignoration and Superstitiosity of men. For had they but inquired into
the Etymon, or true meaning of the name of the Entity in question, they
would have experienced that it was originally merely the Synonyme for a
British Dainty, or Cymric Scitamentum; insomuch as it was primitively
appellated, "The Welsh Tid, or Rare-Bit;" which, by elision, becoming
Metamorphosed into Ra'bit, was, from its Homophony, vulgarly supposed to
have respect to the _Cuniculus_ rather than to the _Scitamentum_ of
Wales.
Again, the Doctrine of the Existence of the Welsh Rabbit as a Vivous
Entity, doth in nowise accord with the three definitive Confirmators and
Tests of things dubious: to wit, Experiment, Analysis, and Synthesis.
And first by Experiment. For if we send to Wales for one of the Rabbits,
vernacular to the Principality, we shall discriminate on the attainment
of it, no Difformity in its Organism from that of the Cuniculi vulgar to
other Countries. And if we then proceed to discoriate and exossate the
Animal thus attained, or to deprive it of both its Skin and Bones, and
after to macerate the residuary Muscular Fibre into a papparious Pulp,
we shall experience, upon diffusing the same on an _Offula tosta_, or a
thin slice of toast, that so far from the concoction partaking in the
least of the delectable Sapor of the Welsh _Scitamentum_, it will in no
way titillate the lingual Papillæ, but, contrariwise, offer inordinate
Offence to the Gust.
And, secondly, by Analysis, If, in the stead of sending to Wales, we
betake ourselves to any Hostelrie or place of Cenatory Resort, vicine to
Covent Garden (whereanent they be celebrious for the concoction of such
like Comestibles, for the Deipnophagi or eater of Suppers), and thence
provide ourselves with one of the Welsh Rarebits or Scitamenta, whereof
we are treating, we shall discriminate upon the Dissolution or
Discerption of its parts, that it consisteth not of any Carnal
Substance, but simply of a Superstratum of some flavous and adipose
Edible, which, to the Sense of Vision, seemeth like unto the Unguent,
denominated Basilicon, or, the Emplastrum appellated Diachylon; whilest
to the Sense of Olfaction it beareth an Odour that hath an inviting
Caseous or Cheesy Fragror, and fulfilleth all the conditions and
Predicaments of caseous matter or Cheese, which hath undergone the
process of Torrefaction; whereof, indeed, if we submit a portion to the
Test of the Gust, we shall, from the peculiar Sapor appertinent thereto,
without Dubitation determine it to consist.
And, thirdly and lastly, by Synthesis. If we provide ourselves with
about a Selibra or half pound of the Cheese, entitulated _Duplex
Glocestrius_, or Double Gloucester; and then go on to cut the intrinsic
caseous Matter into tenuous Segments or Laminæ; and, positing such
Segments within the coquinary commodity distinguished by Culinarian's as
the _Furnus Bataviœ_ or Dutch Oven, submit the same to the Fire, until
by the action of the Caloric they become mollified unto Semiliquidity:
whereupon, if we diffuse the caseous fluid on an Offula of Bread, the
Superfices whereof hath been previously torrified, and then Season the
same with a slight aspersion of the Sinapine, Piperine, and Saline
Condiments, or with Mustard, Pepper, and Salt, we shall find that the
Sapor and Fragror thereof differ in no wise from the Gust and Odour of
the Edible we had præ-attained from the Covent Garden Cœnatorium; and,
consequentially, that the Welsh Rabbit is not, as the Vulgar Pseudodox
conceiteth, a species of Cuniculus vernacular to Wales, but as was
before predicated, simply a Savoury and Redolent Scitamentum or Rarebit,
which is much existimated by the _Cymri_ or Welsh people, who, from time
prætermemorial, have been cognized as a Philocaseous, or Cheese-loving,
Nation.
[Illustration:
THE MILITARY ACADEMY IN AN UPROAR.
]
[Illustration:
The Naughty Life-Guardsman.
]