A very civil engineer, residing in Liverpool, has favoured us with his
plan for raising whatever winds may be necessary to ships, for the
purpose of commerce. His idea is, to fix a colossal pair of
double-action bellows, worked by steam power, at the stern of every
ship, which, being put in action, will blow directly on the sails, and
propel the vessel in any given direction. This entirely precludes the
chance of a ship ever becoming becalmed. He candidly tells us that he
cannot claim the entire credit of the invention; and he can remember the
late Mr. Joseph Grimaldi working something to the same effect in a
pantomime, when he was a child; but the boat being made in this instance
of a washing-tub, and rigged with a mop stolen for that purpose from an
itinerant vendor, no clear notion could be formed of its power.
THE ZODIAC—APRIL.
BULL IN THE PRINTING OFFICE.
BY W. WORDSWORTH, POET LAUREATE.
Oh! Bull, strong labourer, much enduring beast,
That with broad back, and sinewy shoulder strung,
Draggest the heavy wain of taxes, flung
In growing heap, from thy poor brethren fleeced.
Hadst thou a literary sense of shame,
How wouldst thou crush, and toss, and rend, and gore
The printing press, and hands that work therefore,
For the sad trash that issues from the same.
If they would print no other works than mine,
The task were nobler; but, alas, in vain,
Of audience few and _un_fit I complain,
Bull wont believe in Southey's verse and mine.
Arouse thee, John, involve in general doom
All who bid Wordsworth rise for Byron to make room.
THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND
IN APRIL.
BE very cautious, on the 1st, of attending to gratuitous advice given in
the street, respecting your pocket-handkerchief, straps, or coat-tails.
Mistrust everything and everybody until midnight, if you would escape
being laughed at.
The month of April is showery, therefore get an umbrella; but remember,
that whilst it is fine, a cotton one at half-a-crown looks as well in an
oilskin case as a silk one at a guinea; and that when it is wet, nobody
cares what you have, never stopping to look.
That you must renew your acquaintance with all sorts of editors to get
orders to the Opera, and thus move in the great world at a small outlay.
N.B.—Gloves worn the evening before at a party are sufficiently
presentable in the pit.
Angling begins this month, and its professors become all hooks and eyes.
If you wish to kill time (and nothing else) sit in a Chertsey or Hampton
punt, and wait for barbel.
[Illustration:
TAURUS—A literary Bull.
]
NOVEL CHESS PROBLEM.
NEITHER SIDE TO WIN IN ANY MOVES.
[Illustration]
Punch takes the Press, and checks the Albert Hat.
Albert Hat retires, and Punch checks the Queen.
Times' Thunderbolt checks Railway Engine, surrounded by Stags.
Church makes a move towards O'Connell.
Corn League retires one square.
Albert Hat mates the Crown.
MISCELLANEA CURIOSA.
SELECTED FROM THE "MISCELLANIES" OF J. AUBREY, ESQ., CONTAINED IN
THE ASHMOLEAN MUSEUM, AT OXFORD.
Shoes came into Englande with Henry the Fourth his wife, Joan of
Navarre. Before that time the nobles did wear dried flat fish, cunningly
tied on with thongs of hide. And hence the name of _soles_ as used to
this day, and by alle men.
In 1580, a shower of potatoes did fall in Lancashire, at which the
husbandmen were sorelie afraid. They were sayde to have been brought
from America in a whirlwind, and, being hitherto unknown, became
directly common.
The Polka is a measure danced by salvage men and women in Hongrie.
_Item._—Sir Francis Drake assures me he hath seen it kept up for twenty
minutes and more, until the salvages were like to drop; the reason
whereof is difficult to tell; but he takes it to be a religious
ceremony, as the whirling dervishes in the Indies doe practise.
Tobacco is a plant growing in China on inaccessible mountains, whence it
is plucked by people in balloons made of fish-skin, and preserved in red
leather bottles underground. Sir Walter Raleigh did use it first. Its
vapour inhaled is an admirable narcotic; and one Master Aytoun, deprived
of it, did, in its stead, smoke strips of Blackwood's Magazine; but this
well nigh coste him his life.
The first drinking glasse used in Englande had no foote whereon to stand
(to encourage drinking), but fell alway; and was hence called a tumbler.
A Bristow man, living at Castile, did learn the art of making soap,
which he set up here: and straightway upon this it became common to wash
one's self twice and thrice in the week. Nay, Mrs. Gregoire, the
commissioner his wife, did cleanse her hands, and eke her face each
daie. Soe that it was soon the rage; and people before they went to stay
with such and such a one would saie to him, "How are you off for soape?"
meaning therebye that if he had not good store, they would none of him;
and soe went on their way betymes.
I do remember when they did call cats _Tomassins_, which, being
corrupted to Tom, is still in use with the vulgar; but the etymologie
thereof I could never learn, save that the word came from Flanders.
_Item._—My good friend, Mr. Marmy, assures me that he heard them shriek
and cry like infants, beneath his chambers; such as could only be
frighted by tossing the fire-irons and fender about their ears. But he
verilie believes they were devils' imps and familiars. _Item._—Mr.
Glanville gave him a charm to exorcise them, which is as follows, writ
on fayre parchment:—
"Tomassin, tomassine, alabra,
Parlak vak abracadabra."
The which being pronounced, they would frantically take to their heels
and scuffle off like mad, to return no more.
To preserve beer from being soured by thunder:—_Summa_, it is best to
drinke it all off before the storm. They doe practise this in Kent with
certainty, and other parts of England. This also on the authority of Mr.
Glanville.
Men in liquor have droll conceites. 1 knew such a one, being a justice
of the peace, who, when tipsie, would take off his peruke to salute the
company with obeisance, and then, putting it on a bottle, would sing a
song that had neither beginning nor end, but went merrilie on over
again: the which he wold never stop until earned awaie to bed. And yet
he was well to doe, and a clever man, but lacked prudence.
My Lord Saye his gardener tells me that during the late storm he did
track a flash of lightning through a gooseberrie bush, which marvel he
had often heard of, but never saw before.
* * * * *
A correspondent inquires, "Why is beer always excluded from the
dinner-parties of those who drink it every day when alone?" We pause for
a reply.
[Illustration:
GEMINI—Odd-fellows.
]
THE ZODIAC—MAY.
GEMINI.—THE TWINS.
The new explanation which our artist has put forward, of the origin of
the term _Gemini_, so clearly tells its own story, that any further
remarks upon the subject from us are unnecessary. The situation of the
twins, however, suggests that we should make some allusion to the state
of the Clowns of England; on which subject we purpose bringing out a
work in the same style as the Wives, Mothers, Queens, and other female
facts of the said favoured country.
The progress of burlesques at the various theatres has done much to
injure pantomimes; and it is feared the race of Clowns will become
extinct, unless, in these days of educational enlightenment, some means
are taken to train up fresh ones as the old ones drop off. To this end,
we mean to establish a school for infant Clowns, who will be taught
practical jokes in classes; and old ladies, shopkeepers,
lodging-letters, and little boys, will be provided for them to play off
their tricks upon. Proper works will be provided for them to study: and
from one of the most elementary, not yet published, we make the
following extract; premising that the Clown to a travelling circus is
the first step on the ladder of pantomimical perfection:—
CHAPTER FROM
THE MERRYMAN'S MANUAL;
OR, CLOWN'S HANDBOOK OF POPULAR HILARITY.
CHAP. II.—HOW TO COLLECT THE CROWD IN FRONT OF THE SHOW.
[N.B.—_The Performers are to walk about as if they were noble Lords and
Ladies._ _The_ Manager, _as a Venetian of high birth, with a whip in his
hand, and the_ Merryman, _stand on the steps_.]
* * * * *
_Master of the Show._ Now, Mr. Merryman, be so good as to tell the
company——
_Merryman._ Yes, sir. (_Counts his fingers._) Ten, twenty-eleven,
fourteen, two.
_Master._ What are you doing, sir?
_Merryman._ I'm telling them, sir.
_Master._ Nonsense, Mr. Merryman. I mean you are to tell them the nature
of the exhibition.
_Merryman._ That's capital good.
_Master._ What is capital good, Mr. Merryman?
_Merryman._ Eggs and bacon.
_Master._ I did not say eggs and bacon, sir. I said, exhibition. Also,
the sports and pastimes—
_Merryman._ That's better still.
_Master._ What is better still, Mr. Merryman?
_Merryman._ Pork and parsnips.
_Master._ Sports and pastimes, sir (_sternly_).
_Merryman._ Now I've got it. Times and passports.
_Master_ (_whipping him_). Take that, sir!
_Merryman._ Now keep still, can't you? You'll take all the whicksters
off my calves.
_Master._ Now, Mr. Merryman, inform the company the nature of the
performances as exhibited before all the—
_Merryman._ Exhibited before all the—
_Master._ Potentates in Europe.
_Merryman._ Potatoes in Europe. (_Confidentially, to the crowd._) That's
a lie.
_Master_ (_sharply_). What did you say, sir?
_Merryman._ I said, they'd see it all by-and-by.
_Master._ Dancing on the tight and slack rope—
_Merryman._ Prancing on the slight and tack rope—
_Master._ With a variety of ground and lofty tumbling—
_Merryman._ With a variety of round and crafty grumbling—
_Master._ Remember the price. Halloo! (_Through a speaking trumpet._)
_Three_pence each is all we ask! Servants and working people _two_pence!
_Merryman._ Recollect: be in time. All in to begin! _Three_pence each is
all we ask; but we'll take as much more as you like to give us. All in
there! all in! [_Exeunt company, to re appear in one minute._
* * * * *
This will give a fair notion of the value of the work. In addition to a
series of such helps to education, phrases, to be committed to memory,
will be hung round the room. These will be principally for the
pantomimists, and will consist of sentences like the following:—"Here we
are again! how are you?" "Now, don't be a fool!" "Here's somebody
coming!" "I saw him do it, sir!" with other similar ones.
The co-operation of all friendly to the interests of the Clowns is
earnestly requested to promote the welfare of this institution.