THE FALL OF MAN.
"One day a note from Frau Salden, intimated to me that I was now
considered strong enough to be present at one of those secret sittings,
in which the great act of salvation was taught and practised, and
invited me to one of those gatherings.
"It was a tolerably large room, but dimly lighted. Men and women were
assembled, their devoutness appeared more fervent than usual, yet a
spirit of secresy pervaded the gathering, which had shut itself off
from the outside world. Lengthy and solemn was the preacher's
discourse, urging his hearers, by the power of a higher consciousness,
to shake off all sin, successfully to resist all temptations, to
despise all earthly charms.
"And the spiritual instruction was followed by spiritual exercises.
"I can here only relate what I felt and what a flash of lightning was
launched into my soul on that evening. Mephistopheles might feel
himself at home in the classical Walpurgis night, he had been educated
to it on the Blocksberg; but a man who has only seen female beauty in a
statuary of antiques is internally stirred by it at first as by
something strange, divine; yet the sacred fire transforms itself into a
brand that it casts into his soul.
"Thus it befell me also! Another perhaps would have turned away from
the incredible, as if from some hypocritical doings, and have condemned
the leader of this _divina comedia_. Again another would have condemned
the excesses of extravagant piety which played a serious game with sin.
"The veil of Sais which hung before my life was torn; for the first
time I saw in all its glory the disguised wonder of my dreams, woman.
"But the Millennium also sank into ruins with one blow!
"I was sufficiently used to intoxicated rapture not to condemn with the
mind of the sober man that which was unusual, over which the
uninitiated must break a lance. That which was done, was not done in
the service of sin, it was a holy sacrifice, and how could the exalted
lights of the community be thus extinguished in the fog and mist of
what was common? If the limitless audacity of these believers made me
shudder--it was only the curse of sin, the temptation of the devil, it
was the unatonable crime of beauty, against which the power of blessed
resistance might strive in vain.
"And this marvel of creation should be a work of the devil, this
paradise of beauty only conceal the serpent within itself!
"Fools who drew to light the secret dispositions of the primeval
powers, because ruin and sin creep about in darkness, but in light
beauty triumphs. No uneasiness, no thought of mockery and desecration
arose within me; I felt so strange amongst these men and women, for
only in the service of higher powers could they overcome that which
without in unsanctified circles was esteemed citizen-like custom. Their
sanctification consisted in crossing themselves before beauty, and
drawing near to it in blindness that could see, and with a loathing
that struggled to suppress delight.
"Thus had the preacher taught; in such sanctity I, too, made my essay,
but much too great was the power of beauty over me who had hitherto
seen so little. I felt that its contemplation sanctified me otherwise
than the secret doctrine desired. Like an electric flash of
enlightenment, it poured over all recollections of my school days; the
dreary lecture-room was transformed into Mount Ida with its goddesses,
and Venus appeared before my eyes as she arises in immortal beauty out
of the ocean's billows.
"A heretic was begotten in me, secession from the dark doctrine
proclaimed itself in my heart. A principal figure of those revelations
which illumine the creation of the world with mysterious light, stood
before my soul, and I had the temerity to compare myself with it. It
was that Eloah of light, that Lucifer who suddenly perceived that the
powers of light which flowed from him became diminished, and now
retained them defiantly within himself, in opposition to the plan of
creation. Thus I felt within me the spirit of revolt, the individual
power which receives the light of revelation in itself merely for its
own defiant illumination.
"And on that evening the Graefin from the Castle led Frau Salden to me
as my spiritual bride. Spiritual bride!--profound significance lay in
this word, a significance which extended far away beyond the span of
earthly life; it contained a consecration for this and for that other
world.
"Yet I was no longer capable of grasping that import--earthly love had
laid hold of my heart; now I no longer recognised the barriers, as I
did after that confession to the Graefin; like a tempest in spring, I
felt it rage within me: the spring of love and beauty had for the first
time made their entry into my soul.
"I visited Frau Salden, but how changed everything appeared to me in
those cosy rooms! All rest, all peace had vanished from them. The lines
in the splendid open Bible ran confusedly into one another, the
Magdalene on the wall seemed to rise from her couch, throw the Bible
aside, and be wafted towards us in that seductive beauty in which she
once wandered on the shores of the Sea of Galilee, and, as if in
mockery of my feverish unrest, the windmill sails on yonder side of the
river moved with irritating regularity.
"But the seraphic kisses of my spiritual bride burned upon my lips.
"She was gentle and calm before my passionate fervour. I acknowledged
to her that I loved her; she replied that such was my right and my
duty, and that this love was reciprocated by her; certainly it might
not be of a perishable form, not like children of the world must we
love one another, but with imperishable spiritual love. My heart, all
my feelings were bound up in her. Nevertheless, it was not merely
indistinctness, but hypocrisy on my part when I still spoke of such
spiritual love, for I loved her with all fervour, as mortals love who
do not belong to the elect and chosen.
"I still frequently attempted to attune my mind to those emotions which
filled me when woman still stood before me sublime, unknown; but that
magic was broken, and as I previously, probably more than all others of
that circle, had been capable of the purest spiritual love, so was I
now, when since that fatal evening on which the unhemmed waves of
passion broke over me, more incapable of it than all others.
"What to the others appeared to be the hermit's grotto of Saint
Anthony, who resisted the allurements of the spirit of beauty, had
become a mount of Venus for me, and like a modern Tannhaeuser, I lay
beneath the spell of the immortal goddess.
"I dared not confess my heresy to the beloved one; perhaps she would
have turned angrily away from me for ever, and I could justify my
silence, because I too had moments in which I could join in my
spiritual bride's fervent prayers, but they were merely moments. My
internal estrangement from the faith of the elect community increased.
I only ventured to express the faintest doubts, then she looked at me
with an expression of infinite love; her large tender eye rested upon
me with such soul-felt meaning; verily her love for me was different
from mine for her: she appeared to watch over my whole life, she felt
that we must all be prepared to welcome the coming hour of the
Millennium; atonement, forgiveness, purification spoke from out her
looks, infinite desire to rescue, to sanctify the sinner.
"I came frequently, I came daily; she withheld all tokens which love
demands, although her saintly eyes expressed an increasing, more
intense emotion. I became a hypocrite, I required these tokens in the
name of salvation, of spiritual exercises; could my spiritual bride
deny me them?
"Serious and devout conversations must accompany the work of
sanctification.
"She urged me with great sternness, and blamed my lack of holy
strength, when my eyes told more of passion than of sacred
self-conquest; yet her eyes, too, were not always so stern as her
words; sometimes they were filled with a tenderness the eloquence of
which was very different from that which flowed from her lips; it was
as if they would atone for the unavoidably harsh word which sacred duty
imposed; yes this word, too, lost its victorious decision, it quivered
with internal conflict, and sometimes she closed her weary eye, and
tears hung on her eyelashes.
"It was on a quiet evening, we alone as usual; I came overwhelmed with
conflicting feelings, because I was wanting in all the qualifications
of a hypocrite; my heart rebelled against the opposition which
threatened to destroy my life.
"The wings of the windmill went round beneath the evening sky; it
seemed like a mockery of all my thoughts and deeds, that everlasting
monotony of the beating of wooden wings, that interminable game of
those arms stretching out in vain.
"I was more daring, she softer than usual; she would even on that day
deny me the right of devout exercise. Then I assumed the stern tone of
a spiritual bridegroom, and she obeyed hesitatingly; the spirit of
grace seemed to have left her, she seemed to be seized with a tremor
before the might of passion, with rapture into which her own beauty
transported her. And, indeed, I thought her more beautiful than ever on
that day; pious words died upon her lips; I covered them with glowing
kisses, and folded her in my arms.
"The spiritual bride had become a mortal woman, the grey ashes of
penitence had been wafted away by all the winds of heaven, and the
Vulcan of earthly affection had obstructed the Paradise of those Saints
with red-hot lava.
"She released herself from my arms, and rushed, sobbing, upon her knees
before the _prie dieu_, to which she clung convulsively.
"I explained to her that, from that day, I should look upon her as my
betrothed, and begged her to accept my heart and hand.
"She looked up at me with a glance full of emotion and love, as it
appeared to me, for she uttered no word, nor did she rise from her
knees.
"With equal decision, however, I told her that we must both leave the
circle of saints, that for long already my heart had rebelled against
the doctrine of sanctity and this playing with sin; that I no longer
believed in the marriage of souls, but that now I perceived the goal of
that love which takes possession of the entire man, in giving up mind
and body.
"Then the penitent arose, and, with clasped bands, gazed at me with a
look of pity.
"'There is one atonement for sin,' said she, 'if the right spirit of
sanctity dwells within us; but he who renounces that spirit is lost; he
destroys the bond of the community of souls, for this and for the next
life.'
"'Paulina,' cried I, 'you have heard my offer, and you would still thus
refuse to be mine?'
"'Why shall marriage,' replied she, 'not be the pillar of lasting
communion of souls? Even our principal children of light, even the
Witnesses of the Revelation are united, and gladly would I traverse the
path of life with you. But never shall I sacrifice the incorruptible to
the corruptible! You shut yourself out from the companions of our
union, as soon as you release yourself from our faith. Then I shall no
longer be your spiritual bride, and it would be impious to become your
earthly wife.'
"I still spoke to her in the imploring language of passion; I folded
her ardently in my arms, she did not repel me, yet she remained cold,
and the pupils of her eyes dilated with a strange wandering light.
"'You are too agitated to-day,' I said to her. 'Recover yourself, I
will come again to talk more quietly.'
"'It will not make any difference,' said she, coldly. 'I have sinned, I
know it, but for such sin there is forgiveness; I will go to him who
occupies a high position in the spiritual kingdom, to the perfect man;
I will confess to him, and he will pardon my guilt! But there is no
atonement for those who draw back from the earnestness of
sanctification, and return into the darkness of the world and their
ruin, because the shadow of death, will fall upon them, and they are
faithless and have succumbed to the devil. Return to us,' she cried,
imploringly, 'then I will be your wife upon earth, as some day in
heaven; believe once more in the sanctification which you have
impiously desecrated with unbelief, because the acknowledgment of the
truth has power to sanctify everything.'
"'Never,' said I now. 'I shall not return, and just as little shall I
tolerate that my wife be sanctified by the witnesses and angels.'
"She replied that she should never separate herself from a community in
which she had found her soul's eternal salvation.
"My heart seemed to be pierced and torn; was it possible that she, in
whom I had found the delight of my life, was lost to me? Was it
credible that now we parted coldly and distantly?
"It had become late; I descended the dark staircase of the house, when
I heard a merry, childish voice, and touched a nurse's dress in
passing.
"'The little Salden?' asked I.
"'Yes, my Herr,' was the reply.
"I stroked the hair and cheeks of the little one, who seemed to nestle
against her companion in alarm.
"'Do not be afraid,' said I, 'go play with your dolls; it is the same
game that the saints indulge in with theirs.'
"As I descended the stairs still farther, I heard above me another
surreptitious chuckle, followed by cheerful laughter.
"During a sleepless night, the late occurrences impressed themselves
with glowing characters into my soul--the intoxication of bliss,
and the anguish of renunciation--and hastening down from a
brightly-illumined hill, I followed a woman wandering through chasms
from one dark abyss to another; her tattered robe caught on every
thorn, but her beautiful form gleamed from the depths below.
"Two days passed away in agonising excitement; I hoped Paulina in the
meantime would have found leisure for calmer consideration; I, myself,
adhered firmly to my given word, although I was aware that in the
circle of my relatives who disapproved of my intercourse with the
saints, of my connection with that beautiful woman, who was known to be
one of the most zealous adherents of the much-abused creed, much
annoyance would be caused, yes, that my father would perhaps refuse his
consent altogether.
"Once more I visited the woman of what was truly my first love. I
repeated my offer.
"She was friendly as ever, and welcomed me with the pious greeting of
the community, and then said--
"'We will remain friends; I have spoken to him, the holy, the pure man;
I have seen him with my eyes, he has taken me to his heart, he will
teach and sanctify me, for he has pity upon my weakness. Then, however,
I am to occupy a high position in the congregation; he recognises that
in my inner being lies all that must call me to be a child of light.'
"She uttered it cheerfully, almost triumphantly, but I saw that this
woman was lost to me for ever! I parted from her in despair.
"Since then I have never seen her again.
"When the secular powers interfered in the secrets of the new faith,
when the leading preachers were summoned before the law, then the
public voice spoke a verdict of condemnation upon all who belonged to
that circle.
"Then I heard Frau Salden's name mentioned, whose guardianship of her
child had been taken from her by the authorities, because a mother
possessing such impious principles was not capable of bringing it up
properly; I learned that she had banished herself to the greatest
solitude upon her remote estate. I had contrived to have myself removed
to the law courts of another province, but since that time the report
of my participation in that community persecuted me. My relations to
Frau Salden certainly had remained a secret; but it was sufficient that
I had been a member of that despised circle, in order to cause me to be
constantly overlooked and kept back in the early part of my career. I
therefore relinquished it entirely, and wandered through distant
quarters of the globe, so as to escape from the reproaches of others
and from my own memories of the past. After many years I returned home,
and to my pained astonishment found that those occurrences which I had
deemed long since buried, still clung to people's recollections. But
that is not the worst. A cold hand has taken hold of the new spring
that arose brilliantly before me, and all its verdure and blossoms are
transformed into crackling, withered leaves; inevitably, mortally the
past seizes me as if it were a Medusa's head! That is a blow to my very
heart, and after I have once more let the pictures of my life pass
quietly before me, I may now at last utter one cry of anguish, like a
wounded hart, that pants in vain to refresh itself at the sparkling
forest spring.
"Eva's mother is that Frau Salden, who once was my spiritual bride!
Thus the daughter can never become my earthly one; it is a calamity, it
is my doom! No written law prohibits it; the world's opinion cannot
condemn, as from it all remains a secret; but my irrefutable feeling
rebels against it, it is impossible and I am utterly miserable that it
is impossible."
With these words, Blanden had concluded his story. Without, the morning
already lay sparkling over land and sea; Blanden started as a chance
glance in the mirror showed him his own worn-out reflection.
Doctor Kuhl had merely interrupted his friend's tale now and again by a
question or a remark, now he flung his finished cigar aside with the
words, "The poor child!"
"And can you see no means of escape?" asked Blanden.
"No, one may bid defiance to laws, but not to one's personal feelings."
"Never have I been so helpless," cried Blanden, "so desperately
helpless; I wander about like a criminal; I dare not approach either
the mother or the daughter. May she learn the truth? What excuse is
offered for my withdrawal, for behaviour that looks like a public
insult?"
"Write a couple of lines to her now," said Kuhl, "but not all at once.
The dose would be too severe. Leave the rest to the mother. And now go
and sleep, my friend; you need a few hours' refreshment. I will forget
the follies of human life, and simultaneously with the fire of the
young sun plunge into the ocean tide. Until we meet again!"