THE NOVICE.
"Two or three years might have passed since that evening; I was by that
time one of those young officials, whose knowledge, learned in the
lecture-room, had melted away by monotonous practice, when one day an
old respected aunt invited me to tea.
"She had only recently moved into the town from her estate; I had seen
little of her during my life, and had not the remotest idea of being
her heir, although I was one of her nearest relatives; the roseate
light in which nephews, eager to inherit, are wont to look upon
such-like matrons, who shine with the radiance of golden promises, did
not, therefore exist for me; I only saw in her a good woman, who had
become pious in the evening of life, and who rushed about from church
to church.
"When I entered I found several elderly ladies and gentlemen assembled
round the tea urn. They were imbibing the Chinese beverage.
Nevertheless, the conversation was but little cheerful--now and again a
word, a sentence--they were the silent ones in the land.
"The ticking of an old clock upon the wall, the noise of the tea-urn
were the only sounds which interrupted the quietude. I was overcome by
that endless weariness which I often experienced when I drove through a
waste part of Masuren on rutty roads, beneath a rainy-grey sky. Such
weariness at last exercises a sensibly physical oppression; it acts
painfully; at last one counts every movement of the pendulum, and time,
in its boundless void, appears like a fatal doom.
"Even for observation or enjoyable criticism into which the despair of
_ennui_ might resolve itself, the assembly offered little scope.
"There was nothing remarkable about the old ladies and gentlemen that
could challenge it; sometimes I felt a sensation as though I were
sitting in a cabinet of wax figures; every one around me so orderly and
pale--so silent and motionless.
"Outside, the moonlight fell full upon the Castle lake. How gladly
should I have wandered about where it shed its silver through the tall
trees of the garden, until farther away the bright effulgence blended,
dreamlike, with the dusky green.
"In the meantime, a few younger ladies had entered; yet the
conversation would not flow freely. They were slender, almost thin,
figures. Averse to every ornament, they had selected a costume which
merely served to make the meagreness of their appearance more
disadvantageously conspicuous.
"In my efforts worthily to represent youthful mankind, I was only
assisted by a candidate for the ministry, who finally offered some
incitement to my wearied imagination, inasmuch as I could, without very
great temerity, compare his tall, overgrown figure, which was
distinguished by a remarkably long neck, with a giraffe.
"He made an attempt at conversation by imparting information to my aunt
as to which ministers would proclaim the Word of God at the different
town churches on the following Sunday; thereupon he seated himself,
with his tea-cup, in a corner and remained persistently silent.
"Here and there a mysterious whispering; I began to feel more and more
uncomfortable.
"Then the door opened, and everything, as if by the stroke of an
enchanter's wand, was metamorphosed for me--was as if illumined with a
magic light flowing fully in upon us; for in came that graceful woman,
with all the freshness of youth, whom I had seen amid the companions of
that remarkable prophet, and it seemed as if the whole company felt the
same influence, for all rose with a certain warmth and hastened towards
her.
"In her dress, she differed little from the other ladies; everything
bright was avoided. An unobtrusive grey, only broken by a plain white
collar, excluded every charm of colour; yet, how gleamed the blue of
her beautiful eyes! What fresh, rosy tints in her cheeks, what
youthfulness in her movements!
"Like pillars of salt, the others stood beside her! I was introduced to
her, I learned her name!
"She was a Frau Salden, and from some turn in the conversation I was
enabled to gather that she was a young widow, who for four years
already had lived alone with an eight-year-old little daughter.
"She must have married very young, for she was evidently still in the
beautiful bloom of the twenties.
"I reminded her of our first meeting; she recollected the young
student--she had recognised me again at once.
"'He departed this life,' said she, regretfully, 'our friend and guide,
the preacher in the wilderness--that glorious man, who penetrated into
the secrets of the world with singular depth of thought. You have seen
him and heard him speak, it will remain a lasting recollection for you;
in the even tenour of the world of the present day, such men must be
unforgotten.'
"It seemed to me as though a glistening tear rose to her eye.
"'It was John the Baptist; he foretold the coming Man.'
"'Child, what utterances,' said my aunt, who had known the young lady
since childhood.
"Indeed, I perceived several tokens of disapproval amongst the elder
ladies and gentlemen.
"The candidate for the ministry pushed his chair about impatiently,
like a great Power that is preparing for war; and only two of the young
ladies indicated their concurrence.
"I remarked that in this holy circle divers parties were formed, and
did not hesitate for a moment under which standard I should take my
oath of allegiance.
"'So much dead Christianity,' continued Frau von Salden, intrepidly,
'reigns in the world, so much benumbedness; streams of life must be
conducted into it again by the elect.'
"Then the candidate rose from his chair, and, with the gestures of a
zealous accuser, asked--
"'Who, then, are these elect? Surely not those who deem themselves to
be such--not those preachers who prowl about the streets, and give out
the inventions of a diseased brain for words of revelation; not those
who have their peculiar secret doctrines, of which nothing is to be
found in the Scriptures, and who, as rumour says, allow themselves to
be idolised by their disciples? True piety is far removed from the
assumption of being able to teach something better than that which the
Holy Scriptures proclaim.'
"'Then all thinkers would be condemned to eternal silence,' suggested
I. 'I have heard that prophet speak; they were new bold thoughts that
must enchain the people's mind.'
"'We require,' cried Frau von Salden, 'a new key to the comprehension
of the secrets of Nature and history.'
"The candidate stretched out his long neck towards his valiant
opponent, and said--
"'An examination will be made as to whether this key is not false and a
copy.'
"Several elderly gentlemen interposed mediatingly between the
conflicting parties, and protested particularly against any
interference on the part of the State; but the candidate, who became
still more like a raging turkey cock, cried, with suppressed wrath--
"'And what is it that charms in this new doctrine? Why do the women and
girls follow a banner which dared not be unfurled in the open light of
day? That is effected by the charming standard bearers; that preacher
who at the same time is a handsome man, combines benignity and dignity
in his features, who unites distinguished and commanding bearing with
ensnaring courtesy and amiability. When the manna falls, all the people
stoop; but above all the daughters of Eve.'
"I admired the longsuffering of the young widow, who replied with a
placid smile to all these violent onslaughts, while I even, although I
did not exactly know whither all those onslaughts were directed,
assumed a sharp tone towards the candidate, and condemned the
intolerance which his words displayed.
"Those speeches still live in my recollection; they made a deep
impression upon me at the time. That which in earlier years floated
before me, the founding of a new religion, was it now being carried out
in my immediate vicinity, without my knowing anything about it? And did
this religion possess such graceful priestesses as that one, from whom
I could not avert my gaze so long as she was within its reach? I had
sometimes heard people talk of the new sect which had gained numerous
adherents from the fashionable world; despite all difference of opinion
about that sect, all were agreed as to the fact that the actual nature
of its doctrines was a secret, and I would not force myself into such a
secret.
"'You must hear him,' said the young widow, 'that preacher, of whom the
Herr Candidate thinks so little. You will be amazed at the power of his
eloquence; he is full of aspirations, and interprets the Bible boldly,
without deviating from its words.'
"She spoke confidentially, and only to me--
"'I had quite ceased to know what a feeling of devotion is, because the
pious indifference of ordinary attendance at church only seems like the
compulsory recapitulation of our duty towards Heaven; but our religion
whose revelations and delights penetrate to our innermost feelings, a
religion that the day does not know, can alone reveal to us the secret
of faith.'
"Thereupon she spoke brightly of everyday matters, and displayed such
sound judgment on all topics, that I could not look upon such
enthusiasm as the outflow of a diseased temperament. When the company
had dispersed, I accompanied her on the short portion of our road that
lay together, which here led us over the Castle bridge. It was a magic,
moonlight night, and my companion had inspired me with such confidence
that I initiated her into the enthusiastic emotions which nature
stirred within me; I hoped to find sympathy in her, and I did find it.
"'That is a ray of the original light, which penetrates the human
soul,' said she in her charming manner.
"Yet I recognised that there was some connection between my innermost
sensations and the doctrines of that community; but I recognised still
more that in this beautiful woman an appreciative companion of my
efforts had risen up for me.
"I parted from her with a warm shake of the hand, which she cordially
returned. Love and friendship ever found a place in that brotherhood; I
was extremely moved. Her presence exercised more of a soothing effect
upon me; as soon as I lost sight of her, I was overcome as with an
unconquerable longing sensation. Not as formerly did I seek to control
it; I vowed firmly to myself to see her again, to seek her wherever she
might be.
"On the following Sunday I visited the church of which Frau Salden had
spoken to me. The house of God was festively, almost too secularly
decorated; a large town-like congregation was assembled, such as might
be expected in one of the principal parish churches. At the first
glance the pious gathering did not seem to differ from such as are to
be found in other churches; however, I soon remarked that in the front
rows and upon the favoured _prie-dieux_, a more select community, as it
appeared, had taken their places. My eyes first sought Frau Salden, and
soon found her in the midst of fashionable ladies and gentlemen, whose
whole demeanour betrayed that they felt themselves to be peculiarly at
home here. The assurance and gracefulness of behaviour, the studiously
simple attire of the ladies, the radiance of a transfiguring fervour
that overspread their countenances, all showed me that my eyes were
resting upon the circle of the elect. Several elderly gentlemen were
decorated with the Iron Cross; they were fine men, grave and dignified,
and yet enthusiastically devout.
"The minister appeared in the pulpit; a handsome man, with a slight
figure and long dark curly hair parted down the middle. His delivery
was singularly melodious, somewhat winning, yes, entrancing; I
understood what a charm this apostle must exercise upon his devout
listeners, especially upon the girls and women.
"On the other hand, his sermon disappointed me completely. I had
anticipated new, almost excessive disclosures, luminous flashes of a
loftier revelation, which, even if more dazzling than enlightening,
would quiver through the obscurity of the traditional faith, while what
I heard was one of those biblical discourses that are to be found in
everyday churches. He spoke of sin and redemption, he urged us to
conversion and salvation, but all was based upon the words of the
Evangelists and Apostles. Only sometimes it appeared to me that with
some turn, as it were, a little side door was opened, through which
fell the radiance of a more mystical light, but which was only visible
to the elect.
"I now visited my aunt often enough, and I succeeded also in meeting
the beautiful widow there two or three times. I did not conceal from
her the impression which that much-admired speaker's sermon had made
upon me.
"'Wherefore,' said she, 'reveal the deeper meaning of Nature and the
Bible to those who, after all, cannot grasp it? For them the transient
gleam of light which plays upon the surface is all-sufficient. Besides
which, every new and profound doctrine is exposed to misunderstanding,
it must cause offence to the crowd.'
"'But so did not that prophet think,' suggested I, 'in whose company I
first saw you. He preferred to address his revelations to the people.'
"'It was an error,' replied Frau von Salden. 'He atoned heavily for it;
lonely and unassisted he passed away. Such working for the people is
like wandering through sand; the next gust of wind removes all traces
of our footsteps. Everything lofty is a secret; only sympathetic minds
can raise the veil.'
"I asked how one may draw nearer to the secret, and my beautiful friend
advised me to visit the minister, and tell him that I was animated with
the desire of entering the narrow circle of his faithful. She
encouraged me to do so most eagerly, and I felt as if her words
contained something that seemed like true interest in the welfare of my
soul.
"I knew I should often have opportunities of meeting her; yet, even
although my whole soul yearned to do so, although I found myself
beneath the power of her beautiful eyes, and dedicated to her that
superabundant adoration which is always united to a first love, yet it
was not this alone that decided me to follow her advice, but still more
that dark longing which, from childhood upwards, had been animated
within me, to find a new solution for the enigma of the world, which it
was so difficult to fathom, and to find the key for many an internal
occurrence that had seemed to me like a revelation of the Divine.
"The preacher received me with great friendliness, and did not hesitate
to grant my wish. His conversation fell easily upon much that was
scientific and worldly; to many questions about the state of enthusiasm
under which I laboured, he was able to give adroit information. It
certainly touched what I felt, but did not satisfy me. Then he assumed
a still more friendly mien, and began to initiate me into the secrets
of the community, so far as this was practicable for a novice.
"I learned that the sect consisted of various circles, all, indeed,
around the same centre, but in greater or lesser proximity, and that it
did not tend to the benefit of those more remote to know everything
that was revealed to those who stood nearest. Still, the preacher
informed me that several women and girls occupied the highest position
amongst those who were enlightened, and belonged to the favoured
natures of light, beneath whose protection he himself stood.
"Certainly all this did not sound very satisfactory, but mysterious and
exciting enough. A far off goal was set to all efforts; truths
displayed themselves in semi-veiled outlines, which must later be
revealed fully and clearly to the seeker, even if now they admitted
manifold interpretations.
"In short, with a good heart, I put out to sea beneath the flag of the
mysterious creed. The minister dismissed me with a kiss and shake of
the hand.
"I hastened to my aunt; there Frau Salden was awaiting me; she knew the
time and hour of my appointment with the minister. Much delighted, she
heard my news; her features became animated, her eye was radiant.
"When my aunt was called away by some domestic concern, Frau Salden
rose, came towards me with a grave, inspired countenance, greeted me as
a member of the congregation, as her brother, and pressed a kiss upon
my lips.
"It was the holy kiss of a sister, the seraphic kiss, the consecration
of the bond of saints! Did not male and female cousins and indifferent
relatives kiss one another according to the right of cousinship; how
much higher stood the right of spiritual relationship! Certainly, for
many such a kiss would only be a pious symbol, for many, a form of but
little significance. It was different with me, different with this
woman! Until now, I had remained a stranger to all intercourse of
affection and love; how unapproachable all womankind had appeared to
me!
"This kiss was the first kiss of initiation; but not the secret of the
community did it reveal to me, the secret of life itself. It
metamorphosed me inwardly; every feeling of estrangement it swept away
from me; woman no longer stood before me as a far-removed saint; she
appeared to be desirable, to promise felicity.
"And could it be otherwise?
"How long in worldly circles must hesitating affection wait ere love
presses the seal of the first kiss upon it in token of acquiescence?
But this woman had already first occupied my inmost emotions before I
approached her under the eyes of the saints; now she came towards me
with open arms, with the pious greeting of love, for which, with
worldly affection, I might long have striven. Must not this intoxicate
me, and kindle an unknown ardour within my soul?
"Certainly Frau Salden did not share it; she only cherished sisterly
feelings for me, yes, I might almost say maternal; distantly and
coldly, she commenced an extensive examination of my inner nature.
"The bright smile had vanished from her lips; even the gaze of her
large eyes was proud and stern. An incomprehensible contradiction, and
a something almost solemnly strange, lay in such close intimacy. I
stood her examination with calmness and without reserve, for pride
stirred itself within me, and I would not recognise the superiority
that she assumed. Nevertheless, I drew an immediate advantage from my
position towards the select community, and begged for permission to
visit her, which she readily granted.
"She lived in the east suburb, in a couple of cosy rooms, elegantly
furnished. The one seemed to be dedicated to pious reflections. A large
book-shelf contained the works of our poets and thinkers, at the same
time a large number of religious writings. The walls were covered with
representations of Christ, as well as with pictures of the prophet and
the preacher, which hung on a level, as it seemed, accurately measured
line with His.
"On a lectern lay a magnificently bound Bible with a golden cross upon
the cover; above it on the wall hung a copy of Correggio's Magdalene.
The windows opened towards the river and the green meadows, which there
enframed its bed; farther off, two solitary windmills moved their wings
in wearisome regularity.
"The front room was of a more worldly character; in the one corner
stood a small doll's room, and other girlish playthings, but the little
bird had always flown from its nest at the hour when I usually came; it
was the time when with her governess, she went down to the next story
to her favourite playfellow. Beside it upon a writing table lay account
books, which I immediately recognised as such; a later communication
from Frau Salden confirmed my idea that they were the accounts of the
management of her estate; she possessed a small property, which she
only occupied during a short period in the summer, as a lengthy
separation from the community would have been too great a trial for
her.
"All this still stands so vividly before my mind, that I could paint
those two rooms down to the veriest trifle, ebony table and chair,
every picture on the wall; for who would ever forget the stage on which
such important events were acted, and just now I feel an urgent need to
bury myself in these recollections, and ah! that little doll's room
to-day fills me with mournful emotion, yes with silent despair.
"I now frequently visited Frau Salden; we talked much of worldly and
spiritual affairs; she was alternately merry and unembarrassed, or
grave, solemn and reserved. Then again, from time to time, it was as
though she were not speaking in her own name, but on the part of the
community; it was in order to induct me ever deeper into the secrets of
the new doctrine; this I perceived soon enough, and it was particularly
attractive, to me it was indeed a new religion, which only appeared
before the world in biblical guise.
"Zoroaster could, just as well as Christ, stand godfather to the
doctrine of the two primordial beings, fire and water, the element of
darkness, its opposite and its union by means of Lucifer, the
scintillant serpent-spirit, and thus through all life extended the
contradiction of the two-headed principle. Did not the minister
himself, in the circle of the elect, pronounce that the old law had
outlived itself, and proclaim the approach of the Millennium.
"Yet in me also lively doubts were kindled as to how he could control
those fundamental powers of everything living. The revelation of light
which had been proclaimed to me, was not lost; I interpreted it in my
own way, and brought it into unison with the delights of Nature which
had often enraptured me; but the beautiful woman had greater power over
me than the priestess; in her eyes I forgot the Millennium, and all its
apostles in her seraph's kisses. The pious and solemn greeting at
meeting and parting, burned for me like earthly fire, and I could not
conceal from myself that an unholy passion had taken possession of me;
unholy because it was a misuse of holy forms, because it broke
distractingly into all circles of my thoughts and feelings.
"One day, Pauline, for I knew her Christian name already, and might use
it with a brother's right, announced to me that she could not decide
whether I belonged to the natures of light or of darkness; it was the
minister's wish that I should visit the Graefin at the Castle, and make
a full confession of my sins to her.
"It was the period when in France a Saint Simon's and Pere Enfantin's
doctrine of the priesthood of woman found extensive propagation, and in
large assemblies of the Paris street _Taitbout_ was taught by inspired
women. I could not avoid thinking of that intelligence in the
newspapers, when I was invited by the Graefin to the Castle. There was
repeated in pious garb the same performance, but only in doctrine, not
in deed. Here the priestly office was already exercised by an
aristocratic woman, and that woman boasted of lofty revelation, and
could even spread her angel's wings protectingly over the minister of
the community.
"Not without hesitation I entered the inner castle yard; the gloomy old
masonry of the large quadrangle overlooked by lofty towers did not act
soothingly upon my temperament; I felt like those unfortunate men to
whom once in those gloomy apartments, which were still known as those
of criminal justice, the sword of the German knights was placed at
their throats, so that they should confess Christ, or else incur the
penalty of death. It was a horrible trial of faith, and I felt as if I
were one of those unhappy followers of Perkunos.
"Certainly the drawing-rooms into which I was conducted, did not bear
the remotest resemblance to those dread vaults. The view from that high
stronghold of Ottokar extended far over the town, which with its church
towers and high gabled houses, and at the same time windowless
warehouse quarters, surrounded and traversed with glistening branches
of the river, lay as if cowering at its feet. There was something
soothing and alleviating to the mind in that free prospect; with my
heart throbbing less violently, I awaited the entrance of the woman who
was considered to be the superior nature of light in the elect circle.
"And she entered, smiling gently and kindly, her appearance delicate
and distinguished; I almost felt as though an ambrosial light was
floating around her, and when she also greeted me with the sisterly
kiss, I felt as if receiving consecration from above, it was as though
one of those bodyless angel's heads, which, as Raphael painted them,
possess wings only, had kissed me.
"At first it was the mild, confiding sister who spoke to me; she
introduced sundry worldly affairs into the conversation, and I was
obliged to give her accurate information about our genealogical tree
and the estates of our family, and just the same of my previous life.
"Nevertheless, I soon perceived that I no longer talked to my
fellow-believer on terms of equality; with polite and dexterous transition
she had changed the conversation into an examination. The examination
in the first place concerned my external life, but should soon direct
itself towards my internal one.
"A change, for which I could not entirely account, had taken place in
the Graefin, but of which, however, I soon experienced the secret power.
All friendliness and mildness had suddenly disappeared from her
features, they had assumed an almost gloomy air of decision; something
majestic and commanding lay in her whole demeanour. She rose and stood
before me, drawn up to her full height; the woman had been transformed
into the priestess. With a sign, she bade me remain seated, and
solemnly explained that the Archdeacon had given to her the right of
consecrating and sanctifying men and women, after he had imparted
supreme consecration to herself. It was her duty to examine hearts, to
root out sin, to speak truths sharply and unsparingly; because love in
man becomes zealous with a divine zeal. And she, indeed, appeared to be
impregnated with that zeal; a deep glow suffused her features, she
stood before me in proud, strange beauty. I was fain to think of the
angel with the flaming sword.
"She required unreserved confession and acknowledgment of my sins.
"I hesitated. What should I confess? So new was this introspection
still to me that I had occupied myself but little with discovering
what, according to the measure of these saints, would be accounted sin.
"She became more urgent; she demanded confession by the rights of her
office. It was false shame wishing to conceal anything. The heavenly
passion purified fallen man from sin. No secular laws were concerned in
this case; not the sham and falseness of society, only truth--the open
truth. Nor need the confession seek for veiled expressions; the sharper
the words, the sharper the self-condemnation.
"I still hesitated. She began to ask if I--I who came from the world
without, beginning at home--had banished all earthly affection from my
intercourse with the women of the community.
"She enquired so solemnly, I could almost believe that I heard the
scales of justice rattle. I was already beneath her spell; I had no
perception of what was strange, astounding in the whole proceeding; the
oppressive sensation of internal consciousness of guilt overcame me,
and I acknowledged that my heart drew me towards Frau Salden, and that
in the midst of pious conversations the thought of her beauty, of her
charms, entangled me.
"I drew a breath of relief after this confession; I believed that I had
now done my duty as a penitent. Yet I was mistaken; now only did the
implacable judge commence an examination that penetrated to the inmost
detail; she entered upon a domain which no child of the world would
have trodden with equal freedom; my whole soul lay as if upon a
dissecting-table before this wonderful woman. Emotions, wishes, which
softly, obscurely, and of which I was even only vaguely conscious,
concealed themselves in the recesses of my heart, must be brought to
light; my inner nature became transparent to her as well as to me; and
when I had conquered the first shyness, such a confession was even
welcome. I found it tranquilising to have a witness of my internal
struggle. An inexplicable charm, which was not only of a spiritual
nature, lay in such undisguised confession, which despised all social
custom, but was justified by higher ordinance.
"The Graefin praised me for my candour, and when I had made known to her
that otherwise I was still free from all sin, and that my heart, in the
midst of Nature, still often rejoiced in marvellous revelations, she
called me a child of light, who might, perhaps, be destined to attain a
high position in the circle of the elect.
"I had promised reformation of the one sin to which I could confess, a
sin of thought, and indeed I was in earnest about it. Since my visit to
the Graefin, a gloomy consciousness of guilt had taken possession of me,
which I loved to ponder over in solitude. Woman had formerly been a
divinity for me, she seemed so again, since I had seen the Graefin in
the exercise of her priestly mission, and the feelings of vain worldly
pleasure to which I had yielded when with my pious young friend, I
counted to myself as a sin.
"I became an industrious attendant not only at church, but also at the
smaller meetings in which the minister expounded his doctrines; I
eagerly studied the Revelation of St. John. The Lion and the Lamb, the
Breaker of the Seal, as a second minister of the sect was designated,
the Angel of the Apocalypse; all these were pictures which became more
and more vivid to my imagination, yet in the principal doctrine of the
approach of the Millennium I buried myself with a fervour which was not
free from doubts, yet was it not the prediction of a new world, and
such dreams lived long within me. The entrancing words of the minister,
the enthusiasm and proud beauty of the female children of light at his
side, the spiritual toiling and struggling in a world withdrawn from
everyday life, full of singular mysteries, had made me into a zealous
disciple of the secret community. I was looked upon with respect by the
minister, the Witnesses, and the Breaker of the Seal. My visits to Frau
Salden became very rare; I also avoided her at the meetings; my shy
manner towards her had been remarked by her. Had the Graefin not stood
so high upon the ladder of the saints, Frau Salden would have charged
her with being the cause of my transformation. At heart she certainly
did not spare the Graefin this accusation, as since my visit to the
castle I had become distant towards herself. Sternly and for some time
I struggled successfully against my affection for the beautiful woman,
until a new and unexpected turn took place in my life."