But these were only ephemeral clear spots in our sky, and the cries
which accompanied them only grew more bitter and terrible. I knew that
Elaine was growing more and more uneasy at the apparent strangeness of
my character, that she suffered from it and that it affected her nerves,
that the existence to which I was condemning her in spite of myself,
that all this immoderate love of mine, followed by fits of inexplicable
coldness and of low spirits, disconcerted her, so that she was no longer
the same, and kept away from me. She could not hide her grief, and was
continually worrying me with questions of affectionate pity. She
repeated the same things over and over again, with hateful persistence.
She had vexed me, without knowing it! Was I already tired of my married
life, and did I regret my lost liberty? Had I any private troubles which
I had not told her of; heavy debts which I did not know how to pay; was
it family matters or some former connection with a woman that I had
broken off suddenly, and that now threatened to create a scandal? Was I
being worried by anonymous letters? What was it, in a word; what was it?
My denials only exasperated her, so that she sulked in silence, while
her brain worked and her heart grew hard towards me; but could I, as a
matter of fact, tell her of my suspicions which were filling my life
with gloom and annihilating me? Would it not be odious and vile to
accuse her of such a fall, without any proofs or any clue, and would she
ever forget such an insult?
I almost envied those unfortunate wretches who had the right to be
jealous, who had to fight against a woman's coquettes and light
behavior, and who had to defend their honor that was threatened by some
poacher on the preserves of love. They had a target to aim at; they knew
their enemies and knew what they were doing, while I was wounding in a
land of terrible mirages, was struggling in the midst of vague
suppositions, and was causing my own troubles and was enraged with her
past, which was, I felt sure, as white and pure as any bridal veil.
Ah! It would be better to blow my brains out, I thought to myself, than
to prolong such a situation! I had had enough of it. I scarcely lived,
and I wished to know all that Elaine had done before we became engaged.
I wanted to know whether I was the first or the second, and I determined
to know it, even if I had to sacrifice years of my life in inquiry, and
to lower myself to compromising words and acts, and to every species of
artifice and to spend everything that I possessed!
She might believe whatever she liked, for after all, I should only laugh
at it. We might have been so happy, and there were so many who envied
me, and who would gladly have consented to take my place!