One day Ellen came to me, on her arrival, with an air of suppressed
excitement quite unusual to her. It was not, evidently, anything to be
alarmed about, for she looked half way between laughing and crying, but
not melancholy. ‘May I speak to you after Chatty has had her lesson?’
she asked. I felt sure that some new incident had happened in her
courtship, about which I was so much more interested than about any
other courtship I was acquainted with. So I arranged with all speed--not
an easy thing when there are so many in a house, to be left alone, and
free to hear whatever she might have to say. She was a little hurried
with the lesson, almost losing patience over Chatty’s fumbling--and how
the child did fumble over the fingering, putting the third finger where
the first should be, and losing count altogether of the thumb, which is
too useful a member to be left without occupation! It appeared to me
half a dozen times that Ellen was on the eve of taking the music off the
piano, and garotting Chatty with the arm which rested nervously on the
back of the child’s chair. However she restrained these impulses, if she
had them, and got through the hour _tant bien que mal_. It was even with
an air of extreme deliberation, masking her excitement, that she stood
by and watched her pupil putting away the music and closing the piano.
Chatty, of course, took a longer time than usual to these little
arrangements, and then lingered in the room. Generally she was too glad
to hurry away.
‘Go, Chatty, and see if the others are ready to go out for their walk.’
‘They have gone already, mamma. They said they would not wait for me.
They said I was always so long of getting my things on.’
‘But why are you so long of getting your things on? Run away and see
what nurse is about; or if Fräulein Stimme would like----’
‘Fräulein isn’t here to-day. How funny you are, mamma, not to remember
that it’s Saturday.’
‘Go this moment!’ I cried wildly, ‘and tell nurse that you must go out
for a walk. Do you think I will permit you to lose your walk, because
the others think you are long of putting your things on? Nothing of the
sort. Go at once, Chatty,’ I cried, clapping my hands, as I have a way
of doing, to rouse them when they are not paying attention, ‘without a
word!’
To see the child’s astonished face! She seemed to stumble over herself
in her haste to get out of the room. After the unusual force of this
adjuration I had myself become quite excited. I waved my hand to Ellen,
who had stood by listening, half frightened by my vehemence, pointing
her to a chair close to me. ‘Now, tell me all about it,’ I said.
‘Is it really for me that you have sent Chatty away in such a hurry? How
good of you!’ said Ellen. And then she made a pause, as if to bring
herself into an appropriate frame of mind before making her
announcement. ‘I could not rest till I had told you. You have always
taken such an interest. John has got a rise of fifty pounds a year.’
‘I am very glad, very glad, Ellen.’
‘I knew you would be pleased. He has been expecting it for some time
back; but he would not say anything to me, in case I should be
disappointed if it did not come. So I should, most likely, for I think
he deserves a great deal more than that. But the best people never get
so much as they deserve. Fifty pounds a year is a great rise all at
once, don’t you think? and he got a hint that perhaps about Midsummer
there might be a better post offered to him. Isn’t it flattering? Of
course I know he deserves it; but sometimes those who deserve the most
don’t get what they ought. That makes two hundred and twenty; an
excellent income, don’t you think? He will have to pay income-tax,’
Ellen said, with a flush of mingled pride and gratification and
grievance which it was amusing to see.
‘I don’t know that I think much of the income-tax; but it is very
pleasant that he is so well thought of,’ I said.
‘And another rise at Midsummer! It seems more than one had any right to
expect,’ said Ellen. Her hands were clasped in her lap, her fingers
twisting and untwisting unconsciously, her head raised, and her eyes
fixed, without seeing anything, upon the blue sky outside. She was rapt
in a pleasant dream of virtue rewarded and goodness triumphant. A smile
went and came upon her face like sunshine. ‘And yet,’ she cried, ‘to
hear people speak, you would think that it was never the right men that
got on. Even in sermons in church you always hear that it is rather a
disadvantage to you if you are nice and good. I wonder how people can
talk such nonsense; why, look at John!’
‘But even John has had a long time to wait for his promotion,’ said I,
feeling myself the devil’s advocate. I had just checked myself in time
not to say that two hundred and twenty pounds a year was not a very
gigantic promotion; which would have been both foolish and cruel.
‘Oh, no, indeed!’ cried Ellen; ‘he looks a great deal older than he is.
He lived so much alone, you know, before he knew _us_; and that gives a
man an old look--but he is not a bit old. How much would you give him?
No, indeed, thirty; he is only just thirty! His birthday was last week.’
‘And you, Ellen?’
‘I am twenty-four--six years younger than he is. Just the right
difference, mother says. Of course I am really a dozen years older than
he is; I have far more sense. He has read books and books till he has
read all his brains away; but luckily as long as I am there to take care
of him----’ Then she made a pause, looked round the room with a half
frightened look, then, drawing closer to me, she said in a hurried
undertone, ‘He said something about that other subject to-day.’
‘Of course he did; how could he have done otherwise?’ I said with a
little momentary triumph.
‘Please, _please_ don’t take his part, and make it all more difficult;
for you know it is impossible, impossible, quite impossible; nobody
could have two opinions. It was that, above all, that I wanted to tell
you about.’
‘Why is it impossible, Ellen?’ I said. ‘If you set up absurd obstacles,
and keep up an unnatural state of things, you will be very sorry for it
one day. He is quite right. I could not think how he consented to go on
like this, without a word.’
‘How strange that you should be so hot about it!’ said Ellen, with a
momentary smile; but at the bottom of her heart she was nervous and
alarmed, and did not laugh with her usual confidence. ‘He said
something, but he was not half so stern as you are. Why should it be so
dreadfully necessary to get married? I am quite happy as I am. I can do
all my duties, and take care of him too; and John is quite happy----’
‘There you falter,’ I said; ‘you dare not say that with the same
intrepidity, you little deceiver. Poor John! he ought to have his life
made comfortable and bright for him now. He ought to have his wife to be
proud of, to come home to. So faithful as he is, never thinking of any
other pleasure, of any amusement, but only you.’
Ellen blushed with pleasure, then grew pale with wonder and alarm. ‘That
is natural,’ she said, faltering. ‘What other amusement should he think
of? He is most happy with me.’
‘But very few men are like that,’ I said. ‘He is giving up everything
else for you; he is shutting himself out of the world for you; and
you--what are you giving up for him?’
Ellen grew paler and paler as I spoke. ‘Giving up?’ she said aghast.
‘I--I would give up anything. But I have got nothing, except John,’ she
added, with an uneasy little laugh. ‘And you say he is shutting himself
out of the world. Oh, I know what you are thinking of--the kind of world
one reads about in books, where gentlemen have clubs, and all that sort
of thing. But these are only for you rich people. He is not giving up
anything that I know of.’
‘What do the other young men do, Ellen? Every one has his own kind of
world.’
‘The other young men!’ she cried indignant. ‘Now I see indeed you don’t
know anything about him (how could you? you have never even seen him),
when you compare John to the other clerks. _John!_ Oh, yes, I suppose
they go and amuse themselves; they go to the theatres, and all those
wrong places. But you don’t suppose John would do that, even if I were
not in existence! Why _John_! the fact is, you don’t know him; that is
the whole affair.’
‘I humbly confess it,’ said I; ‘but it is not my fault. I should be very
glad to know him, if I might.’
Ellen looked at me with a dazzled look of sudden happiness, as if this
prospect of bliss was too much for her--which is always very flattering
to the superior in such intercourse as existed between her and me. ‘Oh!
would you?’ she said, with her heart in her mouth, and fixed her eyes
eagerly upon me, as if with some project she did not like to unfold.
‘Certainly I should.’ Then, after a pause I said, ‘Could not you bring
him to-morrow to tea?’
Ellen’s eyes sparkled. She gave a glance round upon the room, which was
a great deal bigger and handsomer than the little parlour in Pleasant
Place, taking in the pictures and the piano and myself in so many
distinct perceptions, yet one look. Her face was so expressive that I
recognized all these different details of her pleasure with the
distinctest certainty. She wanted John to see it all, and to hear the
piano, which was much better than her little piano at home; and also to
behold how much at home she was, and how everybody liked her. Her eyes
shone out upon me like two stars. And her big English ‘Oh!’ of delight
had her whole breath in it, and left her speechless for the moment.
‘There is nothing in the world I would like so much,’ she cried at
last: then paused, and, with a sobered tone, added, ‘If mother can spare
me’--a little cloud coming over her face.
‘I am sure your mother will spare you. You never have any parties or
amusements, my good little Ellen. You must tell her I will take no
denial. You never go anywhere.’
‘Where should I go?’ said Ellen. ‘I don’t want to go anywhere, there is
always so much to do at home. But for this once--And John would so like
to come. He would like to thank you. He says, if you will not think him
too bold, that you have been his friend for years.’
‘It is quite true,’ I said; ‘I have looked for him almost every day for
years. But it is not much of a friendship when one can do nothing for
the other----’
‘Oh, it is beautiful!’ cried Ellen. ‘He says always we are in such
different ranks of life. We could never expect to have any intercourse,
except to be sure by a kind of happy accident, like me. It would not do,
of course, visiting or anything of that sort; but just to be friends for
life, with a kind look, such as we might give to the angels if we could
see them. If there only could be a window in heaven, here and there!’
and she laughed with moisture in her eyes.
‘Ah!’ I said, ‘but windows in heaven would be so crowded with those that
are nearer to us than the angels.’
‘Do you think they would want that?’ said Ellen in a reverential low
tone; ‘don’t you think they must see somehow? they would not be happy if
they could not see. But the angels might come and sit down in an idle
hour, when they had nothing to do. Perhaps it would grieve them, but it
might amuse them too, to see all the crowds go by, and all the stories
going on, like a play, and know that, whatever happened, it would all
come right in the end. I should not wonder a bit if, afterwards, some
one were to say, as you did about John, “I have seen you passing for
years and years----”’
I need not repeat all the rest of our talk. When two women begin this
kind of conversation, there is no telling where it may end. The
conclusion however was that next evening John was to be brought to make
my acquaintance; and Ellen went away very happy, feeling, I think, that
a new chapter was about to begin in her life. And on our side we
indulged in a great many anticipations. The male part of the household
assured us that, ‘depend upon it,’ it would be a mistake; that John
would be a mere clerk, and no more; a man, perhaps, not very sure about
his _h’s_; perhaps over-familiar, perhaps frightened; that most likely
he would feel insulted by being asked to tea--and a great deal more, to
all of which we, of course, paid no attention. But it was not till
afterwards that even I realized the alarming business it must have been
to John to walk into a room full of unknown people--dreadful critical
children, girls and boys half grown up--and to put to the test a
friendship of years, which had gone on without a word spoken, and now
might turn out anything but what it had been expected to be. He was a
little fluttered and red when Ellen, herself very nervous, brought him
in, meeting all the expectant faces, which turned instinctively towards
the door. Ellen herself had never come in the evening before, and the
aspect of the house, with the lamps lighted, and the whole family
assembled, was new to her. She came in without saying a word, and led
her love, who for his part moved awkwardly and with shy hesitation,
through the unknown place, threading his way among the tables and
chairs, and the staring children, to where I sat. I have always said my
little Chatty was the best bred of all my children. There was no one so
much interested as she; but she kept her eyes upon her work, and never
looked up till they were seated comfortably and beginning to look at
their ease. John faltered forth what I felt sure was intended to be a
very pretty speech to me, probably conned beforehand, and worthy of the
occasion. But all that came forth was, ‘I have seen you often at the
window.’ ‘Yes, indeed,’ I said hurriedly, ‘for years; we are old
friends: we don’t require any introduction,’ and so got over it. I am
afraid he said ‘ma’am.’ I see no reason why he should not say ma’am;
people used to do it; and excepting us rude English, everybody in the
world does it. Why should not John have used that word of respect if he
chose? You say ma’am yourself to princesses when you speak to them, if
you ever have the honour of speaking to them; and he thought as much of
me, knowing no better, as if I had been a princess. He had a soft,
refined voice. I am sure I cannot tell whether his clothes were well
made or not--a woman does not look at a man’s clothes--but this I can
tell you, that his face was well made. There was not a fine feature in
it; but He who shaped them knew what He was about. Every line was
good--truth and patience and a gentle soul shone through them. In five
minutes he was at home, not saying much, but looking at us all with
benevolent, tender eyes. When Chatty brought him his tea and gave him
her small hand, he held it for a moment, saying, ‘This is Ellen’s
pupil,’ with a look which was a benediction. ‘I should have known her
anywhere,’ he said. ‘Ellen has a gift of description--and then, she is
like you.’
‘Ellen has a great many gifts, Mr. Ridgway--the house is sure to be a
bright one that has her for its mistress.’
He assented with a smile that lit up his face like sunshine; then shook
his head, and said, ‘I wish I could see any prospect of that. The house
has been built, and furnished, and set out ready for her so long. That
is, alas! only in our thoughts. It is a great pleasure to imagine it;
but it seems always to recede a little further--a little further. We
have need of patience.’ Then he paused, and added, brightening a little,
‘Fortunately we are not impatient people, either of us.’
‘Forgive me,’ I said. ‘It is a great deal to take upon me--a stranger as
I am.’
‘You forget,’ he said, with a bow that would not have misbecome a
courtier, ‘that you were so kind as to say that we were not strangers
but old friends.’
‘It is quite true. Then I will venture to speak as an old friend. I wish
you were not so patient. I wish you were a hot-headed person, and would
declare once for all that you would not put up with it.’
He reddened, and turned to me with a look half of alarm, half, perhaps,
of incipient, possible offence. ‘You think I am too tame, too easy--not
that I don’t desire with my whole heart--’
‘Not that you are not as true as the heavens themselves,’ I said, with
the enthusiasm of penitence. His face relaxed and shone again, though
once more he shook his head.
‘I think--I am sure--you are quite right. If I could insist I might
carry my point, and it would be better. But what can I say? I understand
her, and sympathize with her, and respect her. I cannot oppose her
roughly, and set myself before everything. Who am I, that she should
desert what she thinks her duty for me?’
‘I feel like a prophet,’ I said. ‘In this case to be selfish is the
best.’
He shook his head again. ‘She could not be selfish if she tried,’ he
said.
Did he mean the words for himself, too? They were neither of them
selfish. I don’t want to say a word that is wicked, that may discourage
the good--they were neither of them strong enough to be selfish.
Sometimes there is wisdom and help in that quality which is so common. I
will explain after what I mean. It does not sound true, I am well aware,
but I think it is true: however in the meantime there was nothing more
to be said. We began to talk of all sorts of things; of books, with
which John seemed to be very well acquainted, and of pictures, which he
knew too--as much, at least, as a man who had never been out of England,
nor seen anything but the National Gallery, could know. He was
acquainted with that by heart, knowing every picture and all that could
be known about it, making me ashamed, though I had seen a great deal
more than he had. I felt like one who knows other people’s possessions,
but not his own. He had never been, so to speak, out of his own house;
but he knew every picture on the walls there. And he made just as much
use of his _h’s_ as I do myself. If he was at first a little stiff in
his demeanour, that wore off as he talked. Ellen left him entirely to
me. She went off into the back drawing-room with the little ones, and
made them sing standing round the piano. There was not much light,
except the candles on the piano, which lighted up their small fresh
faces and her own bright countenance; and this made the prettiest
picture at the end of the room. While he was talking to me he looked
that way, and a smile came suddenly over his face--which drew my
attention also. ‘Could any painter paint that?’ he said softly, looking
at them. As the children were mine, you may believe I gazed with as much
admiration as he. The light seemed to come from those soft faces, not to
be thrown upon them, and the depth of the room was illuminated by the
rose-tints, and the whiteness, and the reflected light out of their
eyes. ‘Rembrandt, perhaps,’ I said; but he shook his head, for he did
not know much of Rembrandt. When they finished their little store of
songs I called to Ellen to sing us something by herself. The children
went away, for it was their bedtime; and all the time the good-nights
were being said she played a little soft trill of prelude, very sweet,
and low, and subdued. There was a harmonizing influence in her that made
everything appropriate. She did things as they ought to be done by
instinct, without knowing it; while he, with his gaze directed to her,
felt it all more than she did--felt the softening of that undertone of
harmonious accompaniment, the sweet filling up of the pause, the
background of sound upon which all the little voices babbled out like
the trickling of brooks. When this was over Ellen did not burst into her
song all at once, as if to show how we had kept her waiting; but went on
for a minute or two, hushing out the former little tumult. Then she
chose another strain, and, while we all sat silent, began to sing--the
song I had heard her sing to him when they were alone that summer
evening. Was there a little breath in it of consciousness, a something
shadowing from the life to come--‘I will come again?’ We all sat very
silent and listened: he with his face turned to her, a tender smile upon
it--a look of admiring pleasure. He beat time with his hand, without
knowing it, rapt in the wistful, tender music, the longing sentiment,
the pervading consciousness of her, in all. I believe they were both as
happy as could be while this was going on. She singing to him, and
knowing that she pleased him, while still conscious of the pleasure of
all the rest of us, and glad to please us too; and he so proud of her,
drinking it all in, and knowing it to be for him, yet feeling that he
was giving us this gratification, making an offering to us of the very
best that was his. Why was it, then, that we all, surrounding them, a
voiceless band of spectators, felt the hidden meaning in it, and were
sorry for them, with a strange impulse of pity--sorry for those two
happy people, those two inseparables who had no thought but to pass
their lives together? I cannot tell how it was; but so it was. We all
listened with a little thrill of sympathy, as we might have looked at
those whose doom we knew, but who themselves had not yet found out what
was coming upon them. And at the end, Ellen too was affected in a
curious sympathetic way by some mysterious invisible touch of our
sympathy for her. She came out of the half-lit room behind, with
trembling, hurried steps, and came close to my side, and took in both
hers the hand I held out to her. ‘How silly I am!’ she cried, with a
little laugh. ‘I could have thought that some message was coming to say
he must go and leave me. A kind of tremor came over me all at once.’
‘You are tired,’ I said. And no doubt that had something to do with it;
but why should the same chill have crept over us all?