Scene.--Same as Act I. No time elapses.
Doctor. _(alone)_ Good old Merry Andrew! What a sight he looked!
Fancy expecting me to take his lumbering carcase for my gentle
aunt. Why, I could see his trousers, _(laughs, picks up bills,
suddenly stops laughing)_ I must sober down now and remember I'm
a married man with a lot of responsibilities--and no money, not
_yet!_ But auntie's coming to-morrow--the _real_ aunt--coming
like a good fairy to make everything rosy! _(looks at photo)_
Flo, dear little Flo!
_(Bell.)_
_(not hearing bell, engrossed in photo)_ I'm longing to tell
you the good news! I'll write to you. _(sits and writes)_ "Dear
Madam." _(tears it up)_ I mean "Darling Flo." _(writes)_
_(Enter Flora. shown in by Aurora. She carries a bag in each
hand, and parcels under each arm.)_
Aurora. This way, miss. The doctor's very busy, but----
Doctor. _(not hearing, writes)_ "What wouldn't I give to have you
here now." _(takes out coppers)_ Sevenpence ha-penny!
Flora. _(slyly behind him C.)_ Is Doctor Sheppard in?
Doctor. _(absently)_ Good afternoon. Won't you sit down? Now,
what can I do for you? What's the trouble, eh?
Flora. The trouble?
Doctor. Oh, it's my wife! _(rushes into her arms)_ Flo!
Flora. Jack! _(kisses him)_
Aurora. _(gasps, aside)_ 'Appy patient!
_(Exit Aurora.)_
Doctor. Delighted to see you, my dear Flo--most unexpected
pleasure--only sorry you can't stop the night.
Flora. _(surprised)_ Jack! I've come to stop for ever.
Doctor. _(releasing her suddenly)_ You can't--you mustn't!
Flora. But I can and I must! I can't live apart from you, Jack.
I've tried it all the morning, and I can't. _(falls in his arms)_
Doctor. But you must live apart from me--for--for a day or two.
There's a lady coming to-morrow who mustn't see you here for
anything.
Flora. _(by sofa C.)_ A lady! The first day of our honeymoon! Who
is she? _(pauses)_ A patient?
Doctor. _(smiling and shaking his head)_ Better than a hundred
patients.
Flora. What's she coming for? Tell me--tell me at once.
Doctor. _(putting his arm round her assuredly)_ My dear little
wifie, she's only my maiden aunt.
Flora. Oh, Jack, are you _sure_ she's a maiden aunt?
Doctor. Quite! Here's her letter, _(crosses to sofa, takes it
from his pocket and gives it to her)_ Now are you satisfied,
jealous little woman?
Flora. Forgive me, Jack. I can't help being jealous of everybody
and everything--I love you so much!
Doctor. _(round on to sofa)_ I know you do--and see what luck
you've brought me. _(pointing to letter which she is reading)_
I told you we shouldn't go wrong if we followed Quayle's advice.
Auntie's coming to-morrow, and she's going to do all that money
can----
Flora. _(reading letter)_ To-day, Jack--she's coming _to-day_.
This letter was written yesterday.
Doctor. _(suddenly)_ What a fool I am! Where's the Bradshaw?
_(crosses to table, turns over leaves of Bradshaw, hurriedly)_
Ambleside! A! Where's A! Acton, Aldersgate, Ambleside, here we
are! Good gracious! She's nearly here! _(crosses to Flo)_
Flo, it will never do to greet her with a story of a secret
marriage--she'd be simply horrified! It's very hard to part--it's
been a short and unsatisfactory honeymoon, _(kisses her)_ But--
Where's that Bradshaw? _(crosses to table, fumbles to find the
place)_ Lowestoft? L! L! Where the devil is L?
_(Enter Aurora with letter.)_
Aurora. 'Ere, sir--a letter for you, sir--and the boy's waiting,
_(R. C.)_
Doctor. _(takes letter)_ Look out the next train, you _must_
catch it! _(throws Bradshaw to Flo)_
_(Doctor reading letter--Flo reluctantly looking out train, in
Bradshaw, half crying.)_
Aurora. _(aside)_ You shall catch it, impudent 'ussy! I see yer
kiss 'im! They all kiss their dear Doctor. excep' me. _(turns up
her nose at Flo, crosses R. of table c.)_
Flora. _(glancing at Aurora)_ I don't like the look of that girl,
_(starts)_ She's reading his letter, and _I_ haven't seen it!
Aurora. _(to Doctor)_ Any answer, sir?
Doctor. Yes, I'll write a note to this lady.
Flora. _(jealously)_ A lady!
Aurora. _(aside, reading the letter)_ I'll learn 'er bloomin'
symptoms--I must be 'is patient.
Flora. _(watching her)_ The forward minx! _(shuts Bradshaw with
a bang)_ I won't go back to Lowestoft. A wife's place is by her
husband's side, _(takes her hat off and sits twisting Bradshaw,
viciously)_
Doctor. Give the boy this.
Aurora. Yes, sir. _(takes note, crosses to Flo)_ Can I show you
your place--
_(Flo indignant.)_
--in the Bradshaw, miss? P'raps you ain't beyond the A. B. C.
Flora. _(haughtily, snatching it back)_ No, thank you--I can
manage myself.
Aurora. _(aside)_ Can yer? I'll struggle with yer--I've learnt
'er symptoms, _(as she goes out)_ Impudent 'ussy!--kissing the
dear doctor. I'll struggle with yer, my gal!
_(Exit Aurora.)_
Flora. _(looking at Doctor. who is absorbed reading letter)_ He's
forgotten me already, _(pause)_
Doctor. _(rubbing his hands)_ Good business! Call on you this
evening, my dear lady--of course I will! I wish it was time now.
_(looks at watch)_
Flora. _(jealously)_ Who's that letter from, Jack? _(kneels on
sofa)_
Doctor. A lady in Grosvenor Road.
Flora. How long have you known her?
Doctor. I've never _seen_ her yet.
Flora. Who is she? _(stands)_
Doctor. A patient, Flo--my first--at last!
Flora. _(with a sigh of relief)_ Oh, only that!
Doctor. "Only that!" My dear Flo, a doctor's wife can't afford to
be jealous. You'll frighten away all my most paying patients.
Flora. Oh, no, Jack, I won't, _(runs and kneels by him)_ I'll try
and look as if I liked them, but I can't help being jealous. My
jealousy's only love the wrong side up--that's all.
Doctor. I know it is, and I'm so glad that my first case has
come when you were here. You are a mascotte indeed! _(stoops and
kisses her)_
Flora. If I stop, I'm sure lots and lots and lots will come.
Doctor. _(not noticing, absorbed in letter)_ This is the very
case I've always been hoping for, and I've got if at last! Just
look at the gold crest, and the thick paper. No, don't read it.
Oh, it's worth three guineas a week, if it's worth a penny, and
it's a three years' job--bar accidents.
Flora. What's she got?
Doctor. Hysterical paraplegia--she's afflicted with all sorts of
abnormal fancies and longings.
_(Front door bell rings.)_
Flora. _(jumping up suddenly from her knees)_ Who's that? Another
lady afflicted with all sorts of longings?
Doctor. _(seriously, rubbing his hands)_ I hope so--devoutly,
_(rises suddenly)_ By George! If it's auntie!1 She mustn't find
you here.
Flora. _(running about aimlessly)_ Where shall I go? _(crosses
L., runs towards bathroom R. U. E)_
Doctor. _(stopping her)_ Not in my _bedroom!_
Flora. Why not? I'm your wife!
Doctor. Oh, yes, I forgot. But aunt may want to take her things
off, and if she found _you_ there, the whole story'd have to come
out, and she might think it was a fairy tale, and that would be
awful! I know--on my operating couch.
Flora. _(shrieks)_ Ach! Operating!
_(Runs down O. P.., crosses R. corner and then round table C.,
followed by Doctor.)_
Doctor. It's all right! It won't bite you! _(takes up rug)_ I'll
chuck this rug over you. She'll think it's something anatomical.
She'll never suspect it's my blushing bride.
Flora. Oh, Jack, why should you hide your blushing bride? She's
sure to find me _here_.
Doctor. No, no, she won't!
Flora. She _will! I'm so conspicuous!_ _(sits on sofa)_
Doctor. The _more_ conspicuous the better, when you want to hide
anything. It disarms suspicion, _(down stage)_
Flora. _(jumps off couch, and stalks down to him in a towering
rage)_ Jack! You've done this _before!!_
Doctor. Never! I swear! Do help me now, and all will come right,
_(drags her back and covers her up)_
Flora. _(popping her head out)_ Oh, hubby, are you _sure_ we're
_properly_ married?
Doctor. Quite. Lie still, _(same Bus.)_
Flora. _(same Bus.)_ It doesn't feel like it a bit. Oh, it's a
horrid, horrid wedding day! _(kicks and disarranges rug)_
Doctor. _(putting it back)_ She's coming! Lie still, do lie
still! Flo, please--for my sake! Do lie _quite_ still--
_(Flo kicks.)_
and don't kick.
_(Enter Plant.)_
Plant. My dear cousin Jack! _(putting out his hand)_ I'm so glad
to find you alone. My mission is of rather a delicate nature.
Doctor. _(aside)_ Oh, Lord! _(looks at couch nervously to Plant)_
I'm rather busy to-day. You couldn't call some other time, could
you? _(feels his pulse)_
Plant. My dear Jack, you misunderstand me--it's not me--it's my
precious jewels. I've left them lying in their room, their sobs
were distressing to hear, they are suffering terribly.
Doctor. _(aside)_ Another case! Quayle's right again! They're
flowing in.
Plant. _(aside)_ Locked up, and serve 'em right. I'll get
on better without 'em. _(aloud)_ They are both--_( sobs )_
--both----
Doctor. Two of 'em! The more the merrier! I'll come at once,
_(putting on his hat)_
Plant. No, you misunderstand me--they are simply overcome with
the way--to use their own phrase--the "affectionate" way in which
you received them this afternoon.
Doctor. _(aside)_ And Flo can hear every word. It's all up!
Plant. They can talk of nothing else.
_(Doctor pulls Plant's coat.)_
It's Jack, dear Jack, darling Jack, _(same Bus.)_ Ah, you have
robbed me of my precious jewels.
Doctor. _(glancing nervously at couch, with assumed levity)_
Nonsense!
Plant. _(indignant)_ It's not nonsense at all, it's very
_serious._ Heaven forbid that I should speak, harshly to a young
man with a rich--ahem!--future--but as their father--from
whom they have never had a secret all their blameless
lives----_(crosses R.)_ I tell you, sir, you have broken _two_
hearts in one afternoon.
Doctor. _(gloomily)_ Oh, good afternoon! _(sits at table)_
Flora. _(aside)_ I shall go home by the next train.
Plant. They're wasting the best years of their lives, and all for
you, sir--all for you! _(cross L., waves his stick excitedly)_
Doctor. _(half to himself)_ I can't commit bigamy.
Plant. I don't ask you to marry both--_(whacks)_--of them, but
one or the other you must--_(whacks)_--and _shall_--_(whacks on
table)_--after all you have said and done, _(up)_ Now, my dear
sir, _(walking about waving his stick C.)_ I speak to you as
a bachelor--_(whacks rug with walking stick)_--without
encumbrances, _(whacks)_ What have you got there? _(whacks)_
Doctor. _(gets up)_ My encumbr------er--my model! _(R. of chair)_
Plant. Your model?
Doctor. _(intercepting him)_ Yes, my ana----
Plant. Anna?
Doctor. Anatomical model. Look out, you'll break it--and these
things cost money, you know.
Plant. I accept your explanation--without prejudice, Well, to
return to our muttons--I mean my poor lambs--
Doctor. _(aside)_ Oh. damn your lambs! _(crosses L.)_
Plant. I ask you, as a father, what are your intentions?
Doctor. _(aside)_ Can't tell him I'm married--he'd tell auntie.
Plant. _(severely)_ Answer me, sir--what are your intentions with
regard to my two daughters? _(Bus. Flo.)_
Doctor. _(sofa, aside)_ If he wasn't my fairy prince, I'd brain
him! _(spots Flo's hat and collars it, confused)_ Flo's hat! Oh
--er--honourable, you know--strictly honourable, _(tries to
hide Flo's hat)_
Plant. _(pointing to Flo's hat)_ What is _that_, sir? _(works
right round sofa)_
Doctor. _(following)_ A lady's _hat_, sir.
Plant. Don't be flippant, sir. _(seizes hat and waves it)_ You're
deceiving my girls, two girls with but one Single thought, two
hats--hearts that beat for Jack.
Doctor. _(to Plant)_ I'm deceiving no one--that hat belongs to
one of my patients.
Plant. _(aside)_ A patient, indeed! He's got none. _(goes for
hat)_
Doctor. A lady in whose case I take the deepest interest. Can't
tell you--it would be a breach of professional etiquette.
Plant. _(goes to Doctor over R., throws his hat and stick on
sofa)_ Ah, now you're talking business. The legal and medical
professions are sisters, and should have no secrets.
Doctor. _(shakes his head)_ No, no, it's a delicate case.
_(Bus.)_
Plant. Delicate cases are my speciality, and if I can be of any
assistance to you--_(aside)_--or you to me--. _(aloud)_ I'm at
your service. Proceed.
Doctor. _(aside)_ I'll break it to him gently why I can't marry
his daughters, _(to Plant)_ Well, to begin with, she's a married
woman----
Plant. Is she? She'll cost her husband a pretty penny in hats.
Doctor. _(airily)_ Oh, he can afford it. _(speaks low so that Flo
can't hear)_ He's a great friend of mine--in fact, the greatest
friend I have in all the world.
Plant. _(loudly)_ Then what's his wife's hat doing here?
Doctor. _(aside)_ That's just like a d------d lawyer!
_(softly)_ Don't you see, they married secretly, without her
parents' consent, and she went back to her people, and--and
time went on--and at last she could bear it no longer, so this
afternoon she came up to town to find her husband----
Plant. Your greatest friend?
Doctor. Er--precisely!
Plant. _(aside)_ It's that lieutenant in the navy. I must
remember that.
Doctor. And she came straight to me, and she had a fit of
hysteria and she fell----
Plant. Fell?
Doctor. Yes--in my arms.
Plant. Sir!
Doctor. Fainted--fainted! And now she's lying down, and the
question is, when she recovers, where is she to go?
Plant. Go? To her husband, of course! Where is he?
Doctor. Ah, that's the question!
Flora. _(aside, popping her head out)_ I've got the cramp! I
shall shriek in a minute.
Plant. _(aside)_ I'll put him under an obligation, _(to
Doctor--effusively, loudly)_ My dear cousin, my door is
ever open to the weary wanderer, and if the fair owner of that
hat----
Doctor. No, no! It's very kind of you, but I won't hear of it.
The fair owner of that hat is perfectly comfortable where she is.
_(Doctor and Plant up.)_
Flora. Ooh! _(sits up)_
TABLEAU.
She's not a bit comfortable where she is, Doctor Sheppard!
Plant. _(aside)_ Ah, the old story! _(crosses R. of table)_
Flora. I've got pins and needles.
Doctor. My poor child, let me----_(goes to her O. P. side of
table)_
Flora. Go away--don't touch me. _(lies on couch, rubbing her leg,
aside to Doctor)_ I'm not your poor child any longer. I shall get
the registrar to cancel our certificate.
Plant. _(to Doctor. who comes down C., looking miserable)_ So
that's your anatomical model, eh? Your friend's wife? You Don
Juan! _(digs him in ribs. In his ear)_ "These things cost money,
you know." _(laughs--to Doctor)_ If it comes to a divorce, look
me up. I'll pull you through on reduced terms.
Doctor. No, no, you don't understand.
_(To Flo, who comes down between them)_
Are you all right now?
Flora. _(coldly, crossing from him to Plant)_ Yes, thank you,
Doctor Sheppard. _(aside)_ Now I'll find out all about Jack and
these precious jewels! _(crosses r. to Plant)_ I accept your kind
offer of hospitality, sir.
_(Doctor pulls Flo to him, she gets away, and sits down r.)_
Plant. _(aside)_ He'll have to marry my daughter after this,
_(goes to Flo)_
Doctor. _(aside)_ I hate letting her go with Plant. but P'raps
it's the best way out. Anyway she'll not see auntie, I must get
'em oft before she comes, _(to Plant)_ My fairy prince, how can I
thank you for this double act of kindness?
_(Slaps him hard on the back--Plant doubles up with lumbago.)_
Don't double up like that--you might be struck so. I'm more
grateful to you _(same Bus.)_ than I can express. _(same Bus
again)_ I've moved him at last! Good!
_(Doctor goes to Flo, who crosses L. to sofa at once.)_
Plant. I must get out of this. Ah, my dear young lady, allow
me. Your hat. _(hands Flo hat from off sofa, watching Doctor--to
Flo)_ Ah, he's a sad dog, always full of fun! That's why all the
girls are so madly in love with him.
Flora. _(severely)_ They must be mad to be in love with him! _(at
sofa back, putting her hat on, looking in mirror)_
Plant. _(aside)_ Tired of him already. She'll be wanting to go
back to her husband--good business for the lawyer--_(rubs his
hands)_--and especially for yours truly, _(goes up in front of
mirror--crosses round sofa)_ I must find out what her husband's
name is. I'm quite ready when you are, my dear Mrs.--er--Mrs.----
Doctor. _(crosses C. quickly, aside to Plant)_ Garden--. better
call her Miss Garden for the present.
Plant. _(aside to Doctor)_ I say, this mustn't be used against me
in evidence. It's only for your sake, you gay dog! _(offers his
arm to Flo)_ Come, my dear Miss Garden--you must confide in me as
in a second father.
_(She takes his arm.)_
Doctor. _(aside)_ I hope she won't!
Plant. _(at door)_ I say, Jack--"a lady in whose case I take the
deepest interest!" _(nods towards her)_
Doctor. _(to Flora. as they go out)_ Flo! Speak to me.
Flora. _(going--angry)_ No, I won't speak to you.
Plant. _(as they go out arm in arm, winks at Doctor)_ No, sir, we
won't speak to you.
_(Exit with Flora.)_
_(Bell rings.)_
Doctor. _(alone)_ I should like to have that gentleman for a
surgical patient! I half wish I hadn't let her go. Those girls
are sure to talk about me, and Heaven only knows what they'll
say! I wonder if they're really in love with me? No! not likely.
I'm not the sort of fellow girls fall in love with. No girl ever
fell in love with me except Flo--dear jealous little Flo! Ah,
well, I love her all the more for being so jealous, and I know
she loves me. Thank Heaven one woman loves me, and only one.
_(Exit R. I. E..)_
_(Enter Aurora. followed by Aunt.)_
Aurora. This way, mum. The doctor's very busy.
Aunt. _(aside)_ I'm calmer now! _(her lips are set, and she looks
anything but calm)_ And I'll make him explain his outrageous
conduct, _(crosses right round writing table)_
Aurora. Will you take a chair, mum--and I'll tell the doctor----
Aunt. _(with suppressed indignation)_ Engaged with some poor
suffering patient, I presume? _(sits)_
Aurora. _(aside)_ I don't like her tone of voice, _(comes down
and looks in her face--aside)_ It's 'im! _(aloud)_ Is the
doctor expectin' of you back, or was you took wuss? What's your
complaint, eh? _(taps her on the shoulder)_
Aunt. _(indignantly)_ My complaint? _You!_ _(shoves her away)_ Go
and tell the doctor that I am here, at once.
Aurora. _(not moving)_ Oh, yuss, if not sooner. What name, eh?
_(same Bus.)_
Aunt. _(loudly)_ No name.
Aurora. _(not moving)_ Oh, the doctor won't see no lady without
no name. 'E's very particular.
Aunt. _(with suppressed rage)_ Then tell him Susie-Toosie wants
to see him. _(crosses sofa and sits)_
Aurora. Oh! what ho! _(laughing)_ Susie-Toosie--oh, if it's that
you needn't wait. Come along, outside. _(tries to pull her out of
her chair)_ 'Op it!
_(Enter Doctor. Aurora stops suddenly.)_
Doctor. _(surprised)_ Aurora!
Aurora. _(to him)_ It's Susie-Toosie, sir. _(laughs)_ Come back
again.
Doctor. _(laughing)_ So it is. Go on, Aurora. turn it out, that
thing's my aunt, _(sings)_ "For she's a jolly good fellow."
_(Bell rings.)_
Aurora. _(leaving go of Aunt)_ Drat that bell, it's spoilt my
day.
_(Exit Aurora.)_
Doctor. _(quietly)_ Look here, you merry Andrews take your hair
off. _(pulls it)_ Oh, by George!, he has stuck it on tight!
_(pulls it harder)_
Aunt, _(indignantly)_ Sir!
Doctor. Don't put on that silly voice, I know all about you. I'll
make him jealous, _(sings)_ "There were two jolly sailor girls
from Portsmouth town"--the little one makes eyes at me. But it's
the tall one I like, she calls me "dear Jack." Oh, she's _dead
gone_ on me. _Her father wants me to marry her._ _(aside)_ That's
shut him up! _(aloud)_ And look here, you've got to take your
hook. I'm fagged out after my railway journey--I'm going to have
a bath before _she_ comes--you know I'm a great believer in the
water cure.
_(Takes off his frock coat and throws it down, goes to bath room,
turns on hot and cold taps in sight of audience, noise of water
flowing into bath.)_
Now, don't sit there looking a silly ass. _(shies something
at her at the last word)_
_(Aunt sits facing audience, speechless with indignation.)_
You know you're not a bit like a lady, and nobody but a lunatic
would take you for one. Hurry up and get some decent togs on, and
come back for me at 7:30. Do you hear, you old joker, it's no use
keeping it up--
_(Aunt sits motionless.)_
Oh, well, I can't wait, _(undoes his braces)_ But look here, if
you don't clear out before _she_ comes I'll break every bone in
your body. Au reservoir!
_(Doctor exits into bath-room.)_
Aunt. _(crosses to table)_ And _that_ is my brother's
only child! A shameless monster, lost to all sense of decency,
and carrying on with _two_ sailor girls! Horrible! But after all,
he's my nephew and I must do my duty by him. What is my duty,
I wonder? _(comes back and sits on sofa)_ His father was such a
gentle soul, and to think that this brutal ruffian is his son.
_(Enter Tupper.)_
Tupper. _(looks round, sees no one, hears splashing in next
room)_ 'E's 'avin' a bath, now's my time for a quiet smoke,
_(picks cigarette end oft ash tray)_
Aunt. _(to herself)_ Oh, my poor head!
Tupper. _(starts and comes to her, cigarette in mouth)_ Summat
wrong with yer 'ead?
Aunt. Go away, you horrid boy!
Tupper. The doctor'll cure it in a jiffy, take my tip, but 'e's
'avin' a bath just now. You know he's a great believer in the
water cure. He says if we 'ad cleaner bodies we'd 'ave cleaner
minds--do _you_ 'old with that? I spec he'll give _you_ the water
cure. I say--you must pay for it afore you go, 'cos 'e's stoney.
Goes on tick for every think. 'Ave you got a light?
Aunt. Go away!
Tupper. All right, no offence, _(gets match from mantelpiece)_
The doctor could make lots of money if he'd only try, but 'e
don't. 'E just lies on that couch all day reading books with
'orrible pictures of people 'aving their arms and legs chopped
orf, and such like. _(coming round)_ This is the wust--ain't it
blood-curdling? But the lady don't seem to mind--she looks quite
calm and peaceful-like, don't she? _(shows Aunt the book)_
Aunt. Take it away, you dreadful boy!
Tupper. All right--keep your 'air on. _(goes up stage)_ 'E's
wonderful clever; you should see 'im with these 'ere knives,
golly! ain't they sharp! _(trying one)_ 'E'd slice yer up as soon
as look at yer, _and yet_ no patients don't come. Why's that? Do
you think 'e's too expensive--it's a pound a time.
_(Bell rings.)_
I say, the proper way is to leave it in a h'envelope on this 'ere
table. Don't forget, 'cos there 'ere clothes ain't paid for yet,
and if they ain't to-day, they're a-comin' orf.
Aunt. You rude boy! Go! _(sits in grandfather's chair)_
Tupper. _(aside)_ Well, it ain't _my_ fault if 'e don't get on! I
says all I can!
_(Exit Tupper R. I. E. above table.)_
_(Enter Ruby and Pearl. shown in by Aurora--they don't see
Aunt.)_
Aurora. I'll tell the Doctor. _(goes towards bath-room door)_
_(Splashing heard.)_
He's very busy--but----
_(Louder splashing.)_
Ruby. Pray don't disturb him.
_(Bell rings.)_
Pearl. We don't want to see him _just_ yet. We'll wait
_(Exit Aurora.)_
That stupid cabman never suspected anything. He called him "Mum."
_(Both laugh.)_
Ruby. Let's bring her in now, before Jack comes in.
_(Enter Aurora. followed by Flo.)_
Aurora. I'll tell the Doctor. _(goes to bath room)_ E's _very_
busy now--but----
_(Splashing heard.)_
Flora. _(to Aurora)_ Not yet--I want to speak to these ladies
first.
Ruby. _(backing down stage astonished, to Pearl)_ Miss Garden!
What does she want to come for--and spoil our fun?
Pearl. _(to Flo)_ You said you had a headache, and were going to
lie down.
Ruby. _(to Flo)_ Yes, that was only an excuse for coming to see
Jack.
Aunt. _(aside)_ She calls him Jack!
Aurora. _(aside)_ I must 'ear this--it's all for 'im. _(stays at
back, pretending to tidy)_
Flora. It was no excuse at all. I was pulling the blind down to
darken the room, when I saw you two horrid things crossing the
road to this house--when you _said_ you were going shopping. That
was only an excuse to come and flirt with _my_ Jack!
Aunt. _(aside)_ Oh, he's _her_ Jack, is he?
Flora. And I followed you, though my head's splitting, for I love
him with all my heart, and I won't let _anyone_ come between us.
_(Aurora gasps.)_
Ruby. You brazen girl, and you're married to his greatest friend!
Flora. I'm not! _(descends on Ruby)_
Ruby. You know you are! Pa said so!
Flora. Did he? Then he basely betrayed my husband's sacred
confidence, _(crosses back again)_
Pearl. _(with sarcasm)_ Your husband's sacred confidence! If
you're really a respectable married woman, my dear Miss Garden,
instead of coming here to slander my father, you'd better go
back and lie down.
Flora. And leave you alone with my Jack? No, thank you! What are
_you_, I'd like to know? Two horrid fast girls who ran away with
two young men only this morning, and had to be locked up.
Aunt. _(aside)_ And _these_ are my nephew's _friends!_
Flora. And you picked the lock with a hairpin, and came here all
alone to flirt with my Jack!
Ruby. _Your_ Jack? How dare you! _(crosses to Flo and comes
back)_ He's my Jack!
_(Aurora gasps again.)_
Aunt. _(aside)_ Oh, he's her Jack now! It gets worse and worse!
Pearl. To be strictly accurate, Doctor Sheppard is our Jack!
Aunt. _(aside)_ Our Jack! This is too much!
_(Aurora gasps louder.)_
Flora. What do you mean?
Pearl. It is my father's wish that one of us should marry him.
Aurora. _(screams)_ Oh, 'Evvings! They're going to marry my Jack!
_(coming down--falls on her knees facing audience C.)_
Aunt. _(aside)_ Her Jack! That's four of them! They all love
Jack!
Flora. _(to Aurora)_ Your Jack!
Aurora. _(kneeling)_ Yuss! I love Mm with a secret passion and I
don't care who knows it! _(rises)_
Aunt. It's a perfect harem! _(makes her escape towards door and
Exits still unobserved.)_
Aurora. _(C.)_ Don't you think because I'm only a servant, a
common slavey with £5 a year and a 'alf a pound o' sugar a week,
that I'm a-goin' to 'ave the _dear doctor_ took from me!
Flora. How dare you love him!
Aurora. And why not? 'Cos I wears a cap? Look 'ere! you three
girls is all settin' your caps at 'im. I'm in it too. _(throws
down cap)_--and I chucks darn the gimlet.
Pearl. You little stupid!
Aurora. _(crying)_ Yuss! I know I'm a little stupid, but which o'
you would put yer 'ole soul into cleanin' 'is boots, as I does?
Which o' you would buy 'im wittles out o' yer perks as _I_ does?
I may be a little stoopid, but I loves 'im more than all of yer
put together, and I'll struggle with yer, see if I don't!
_(Exit Aurora.)_
Ruby. _(to Flo)_ Are you going, Miss Garden, or are you not?
Pearl. It'll make your headache much worse if you stay here.
Flora. I shall ask the doctor to give me something to send it
away, _(makes herself comfortable on sofa, back to Pearl)_
Pearl. _(to Ruby)_ Isn't she a spiteful little cat!
Ruby. _(to Pearl)_ Never mind, she shan't interfere with our fun;
we can't leave those two sitting in that four-wheeler all day.
_(rises, comes to Pearl)_
Pearl. No, come along, We'll go and tell "auntie" to come in.
_(Exeunt Ruby and Pearl.)_
Flora. _(aside)_ I'll make Jack explain about those girls, or
I'll break off our--our honeymoon; they talk as if he was engaged
to both of them. Now I know why he was so desperately anxious to
hide me when their father called.
_(Enter Doctor. in pyjamas and eccentric Turkish dressing gown,
rubbing his head with a towel--Flo doesn't see him.)_
Oh, Jack, jack, I never thought you'd turn out such a monster as
this!
Doctor. _(surprised to see her)_ Good afternoon, _(fumbles for
his eye-glass which is hanging down his back)_
What can I do for------_(recognizes her)_ My darling wife! This
is a pleasant surprise.
Flora. _(starting up)_ Go away, you object! _(crosses R. )_ It's
not a _pleasant_ surprise, and I'm _not_ your wife any longer! I
know all--oh, Jack!
Doctor. _(aside)_ Those precious jewels have said something.
Confound them! _(advancing to her, timidly)_ My dear Flo, if you
will only give me time, I can explain everything!
Flora. _(eagerly)_ Oh, do, Jack, do! _(rushes into his arms)_
_(Enter Ruby and Pearl.)_
Ruby. _(seeing Doctor and Flo together)_ Oh, we didn't know you
were engaged.
Pearl. There's another lady wants to see you.
Flora. _(jealously)_ _Another_ lady? _(turns away)_
Doctor. _(eagerly)_ In hysterics?
Pearl. No--in a four-wheeler.
Ruby. She said she'd rung twice, but couldn't make anyone hear.
Doctor. Tupper's never awake when the bell rings. I'll discharge
that boy--at least my _half_ of him!
Ruby. I told her I'd see if you were disengaged, and she
scribbled her name on her card; here it is. _(reads)_ Miss
Susannah Sheppard!
Doctor and Flora. Auntie!
Doctor. _(to Flo)_ She mustn't see me like this--_(looks at the
dressing gown)_--and she mustn't see you _at all_, you must fly!
Flora. _(clinging to Jack, who is pale and agitated)_ Oh, Jack!
I can't go and leave you with them, _(looking at Ruby and Pearl)_
Can't you say that I'm one of your patients?
Doctor. Good idea, how clever of you. Get back there, _(on
operating couch)_
Ruby. Oh, what fun! Let's all be patients! _(nudges Pearl)_
_(Ruby and Pearl sit down and pretend to be suffering.)_
Doctor. _(to girls)_ All right! All be patients. It'll impress
auntie, _(takes off dressing-gown and flings it into bathroom,
is just going in--stops)_ No! No time to change, _(snatches his
frock coat off chair, and buttons it over his pyjamas)_ Remember!
This is the supreme moment of my life. Whatever I say to
you--whatever I _do_ to you--you mustn't mind.
Ruby and Pearl. We won't, _(stifling a laugh)_
Doctor. Hush!
_(Enter Andrew dressed as Aunt, followed by Waverly.)_
_(to Andrew)_ My dear aunt, I'm so glad to see you. Won't you sit
down? _(leads him down to sofa)_
_(Pearl runs to Waverly, and drags him down O. P. corner.)_
Pearl. Come and sit here! Pretend to be a patient! Waver. Why?
_(Pearl explains in dumb show.)_
Doctor. _(at settee to Andrew)_ I must apologize for this
worn-out attire--I'm always worn out on Friday, my worst day. I
wish you'd come _any other day_. No! I don't mean that! I mean
I'm awfully glad you've come to-day, but I'm awfully sorry I'm so
busy I can't talk to you. No, no! I don't mean that! I mean I'm
awfully glad, of course, that I'm so busy I can't talk to you!
No, no, of course I don't mean that--I mean--I don't quite know
what I do mean. You see it's Friday--oh! what a fool she must
think me! Will you excuse me just two minutes while I settle off
a few patients?
_(Trio 1st laugh--Doctor crosses quickly to them.)_
_(aside to them, softly)_ Don't laugh at her! and don't look so
beastly healthy! Look pale! Faint! Do _something!_
_(Bus.--Ruby makes a sling for her arm out of her handkerchief.)_
_(crosses quickly back to Aunt)_ I'm so sorry to keep you
waiting, my dear aunt; won't you amuse yourself with a book or
something? _(goes to couch at back, fetches "Quayle on Muscles,"
comes back quickly to Aunt, opens it)_ Here you are. _(shuts it
quickly and shies it down, aside)_ What _do_ ladies read?
_(Crosses quickly to Pearl. who is reading "Pink 'Un," snatches
it from her.)_
Thank you very much, _(crosses quickly to Aunt)_ Here you are,
aunt, this is a lady's paper! _(gives it to her and runs to Flo
at back--aside anxiously)_ I'll explain everything when they've
gone! _(loudly, holding her hand)_ Ah! your nerves are run down a
little, _(goes to medicine chest)_
_(Trio 2nd laugh.)_
Confound those Plant girls--I'll pay them out! _(flings roll of
lint at Pearl. then pours sal volatile from bottle into measuring
glass, then into tumbler, adds a little water--to Flo)_ There!
drink that! You'll soon be better.
_(During this Bus. Pearl picks up roll of lint, puts a bandage
round Waverly's face--Ruby steals across stage and kisses
Andrew--Doctor turns round just after.)_
Ruby. _(C., confused, comes to table)_ Could you take my case
next, doctor? I'm so bad!
Doctor. You are. _(Bus.--with stethoscope)_ I mean--with
pleasure! I'll write you a prescription, _(writes)_ I should
advise a long voyage with a merry companion.
_(Andrew shakes his fist at Doctor unobserved by him.)_
Better start at once, _(hands her prescription, saying aside)_
Go! _(rings bell on table)_
_(Enter Tupper.)_
Show this lady to her carriage, Tupper.
_(Ruby doesn't move from table.)_
_(aside)_ Go! Go! What are you waiting for?
Ruby. _(aside to him, stifling a laugh)_ My sister, of course.
I'm not going to leave her here, _(crosses C., then on to
Andrew)_
Doctor. Pray don't.
_(Doctor rushes at Pearl. who is hobbling across stage on
Waverly's walking stick and takes stick from her.)_
_(aside)_ Do you want to give me away to my aunt?
_(then loudly)_ I'll write to your school mistress about you. I
think a little physical treatment _locally applied_ _(brandishing
stick)_ will put you right very soon. Good afternoon, _(aside)_
Go! Go! _both_ of you! _(rings bell)_
_(Re-enter Tupper.)_
More carriages for this lady, Tupper. _(to Pearl)_ You needn't
wait, little girl.
Pearl. I shall wait for Mr. Vane; and I won't be called a little
girl! _(goes to Ruby)_
_(Bell rings.)_
Doctor. _(getting desperate)_ Shall I never get rid of 'em!
_(rushes at Vane and grips him by the arm)_ I'll take you next,
sir. _(loudly)_
_(Waverly laughs.)_
Stop that infernal laughing. I know my aunt will see through it
soon, _(punches him on back)_
_(Waverly cries out.)_
Ah, it's still there! _(loudly)_ That'll have to come out!
_(punches him harder)_
_(Waverly cries louder.)_
Yes! _(severely)_ We must remove that at once. Step into my
operating room.
_(Drags him oft to bath-room--opens door, turns on taps and
leaves them running. Waverly runs back to his chair, Doctor runs
back after him.)_
Come along, now--be a man! Waver. Not to-day, thank you all the
same.
_(Enter Aunt, shown in by Tupper.)_
Aunt. _(C.)_ I'll give him _one last chance_.
Doctor. _(seeing her--rushes at her--aside to her)_ Take 'em off,
you fool! She's come! Take 'em off, I say, or I'll take 'em off
for you!
_(Andrew starts up and takes his bonnet and wig off.)_
Andrew. _(calls loudly)_ Jack! Jack!
_(Doctor far too preoccupied to hear him, pushes Aunt into
bath-room--she falls head foremost into bath, her heels go
up--loud splash. Doctor bangs door, turns round, sees Andrew.)_
Doctor. _(aghast)_ Merry Andrew!!!
Andrew. Yes, Dull Boy!
Doctor. Then who's in here? _(opens door)_
TABLEAU.
_(Flo rushes into bath-room and shuts door quickly.)_
CURTAIN.