Produced by David Widger
OH! SUSANNAH!
By Mark Ambient
Produced at the Eden Theatre, Brighton, on September 6th, 1897,
afterwards played at the Royalty Theatre, London.
Scene:-Doctor's Consulting Room, 13 Marmalade St., Pimlico.
Time:-Lady Day, 4 p. m. to 6 p. m. The action is continuous
throughout the 3 Acts.
Time of representation.
Act I. 53 minutes.
Act II. 32 minutes. (One hour and three quarters.)
Act III. 20 minutes.
PROPERTIES.
On bureau. Whiskey decanter, water, glasses.
Below bureau. Pail with water and house flannel.
In med. chest. Small bottles of coloured water, medicine-glass
and roll of lint.
On steps Feather brush.
On ped. cupboard. Case of surgical knives.
On doctor's table. Microscope, test tubes, phials, double
stethoscope, eye-glass, stationery cabinet with note-paper, pen,
pencil, calendar, Bradshaw, blotter, scribbling block, hand bell,
ash-tray with cigarette ends and matches.
In mirror. Invitation cards (Sir Peter-Mrs. O'Hara).
On sofa. Cushions.
Off stage. Front door bell.
HAND PROPERTIES.
Doctor. Act 1. Gladstone bag packed with books, papers and one
collar. Photo of Flo in pocket.
Act 2. Aunt's letter, also Flo's photo and coppers.
Andrew. Act 3. Pipe and baccy.
Waverly. Act 1. Detective camera in form of turnip watch.
Act 2. Walking stick (for Pearl's Bus.)
Plant. Act 1. Pocket hair brush-mirror at back.
Act 3. Small black bag-deed inside.
Tupper. Act 1. Crumpled telegram in pocket. Landlady's account
book.
Flo. Act 2. Two bags and two parcels.
Act 3. Bundle of aunt's clothes (wet).
Ruby. Act 1. Andrew's letter.
Act 2. Visiting card.
Pearl. Act 2. Sporting Times.
Act 3. Pearl necklace in case.
Aurora. Act 1. Six letters in blue envelopes, pair of paste hair
combs (in pocket), duster, tea-things, grotesquely big brown
earthenware tea-pot, milk, sugar, cups and saucers, stale
quartern loaf, knife and butter.
Act 2. Lady's letter-thick paper, gold crest.
Act 3. Telegram.
CUSTOMS.
Doctor. Act 1. Frock coat and high hat.
Act 2. Changes to pyjamas and Turkish dressing-gown.
Andrew. Act 1. Blue serge yachting suit and cap.
Act. 2. As aunt, in picture.
Waverly. Very smart.
Plant. White hat, loud waistcoat, outré.
Tupper. In buttons.
Aunt. Quiet, old-fashioned, almost Quakerish.
Flo. Modern tailor-made costume and smart hat.
Ruby & Pearl. Dressed alike, in sailor hats and serge costumes,
with sailor collars.
Mrs. O'Hara. Eccentric Irish landlady.
Aurora. Slatternly slavey frock, soiled white apron, cap awry,
large slippers tied on with string. (During Act 3: changes to
grotesque colored dress: orange blossoms in hair.)
Scene plot.
The scene is a Doctor's consulting room on the ground floor of a
lodging-house in Pimlico.
(1) Door R. at back to bathroom (not opened till middle of Act II,
showing about half of bath, taps, etc).
(2) L. at back, to passage, showing hat stand.
(3) Down R.
(4) Window C, commanding view of similar houses across street.
FURNITURE.
(B) Bureau with practicable drawers.
(M) Medicine chest (hung between door r. and window).
(C) Operating couch in front of window.
(L) Step ladder, between couch and window at rise of curtain.
(P) Pedestal cupboard.
(H) Hatstand.
(A) Picture of Aunt, over door L.
(5) Sofa for three-half facing Are.
(T) Doctor's table, (t) Tea table.
(R) Revolving chair behind Doctor's table.
(G) Grandfather's chair at fireplace.
(C) Ordinary chairs.
Mirror and clock over fire, fender and fire-irons. Poker used.
OH! SUSANNAH!
ACT I.
_Scene. The Doctor's consulting room. Ground floor, 13 Marmalade
Street, Pimlico. (See Scene Plot.)_
_(Aurora. the slavey, discovered laying out Doctor's letters
lovingly on his writing table; she kisses each one as she lays it
down--all are in blue envelopes.)_
Aurora. They're all for 'im--the dear doctor. Won't 'e be pleased
when 'e comes back and finds all this little lot! 'E went off
quite sudden two days ago. Gone to see a patient, I expect, none
ever comes 'ere, so 'e must go to them, _(crosses L., looks in
mirror)_ Oh, why was I born so rudely 'ealthy? _(on sofa)_ I
would like to be 'is patient. I'd a-bear anythin' with the dear
doctor to see to me, 'e's got sich a sorft 'and. _(jumps off sofa
and stands C. looking at aunt's picture, curtseys)_ I wonder if
she's 'is fancy? 'Er with the diamond combs. You ain't the
only one, my lady, with diamond combs! I'll struggle with yer.
_(produces combs from her pocket)_ Tenpence a pair--in the
Strand, _(going to put them on, stops)_ No, I'll wait till 'e
comes 'ome. They're all for 'im, the dear doctor--all for 'im!
_(end of sofa)_
_(Enter Tupper, a fat little page.)_
Tupper. I say, Aurora. the missus is a'goin' to do the thing in
style this afternoon, two fiddler blokes--an' a planner an' a
programme o' the dances pinned up over the mantelpiece over 'ead.
_(picks up cigarette end off ash tray and smokes it)_
Aurora _(down C.)_ Lor, you don't say! An' printed invitations
an' all. _(takes card from mirror)_ 'Ark at this! "Mrs. O'Hara
requests the honor of Doctor Sheppard'ss company--"
Tupper. 'E won't come back for that. I wish 'e would.
Aurora. Why not, Tupper? Where's 'e gone? _(comes C.)_
Tupper. Gie us a kiss, an' I'll tell yer.
Aurora. _(moving away)_ A kiss! There's bloomin' cheek! I never
did!
Tupper. _(coming to her)_ Oh yes, you did--only larst Friday, an'
it's Friday agin, an' what's more, it's _Lady_ Day.
Aurora. _(innocently)_ Is it, Tupper? Well, as it's _Lady Day_.
_(puts her cheek up, aside)_ It's all for 'im! _(kiss Bus.)_ Now
tell me.
Tupper. 'E's gorn to get married, _(goes down r. puffing
cigarette hard)_
Aurora. _(with concern)_ No, Tupper, don't say that! _(changes
her tone)_ I mean, 'ow do you know?
Tupper. _(turning round)_ Gie us another, an' I'll tell yer!
Aurora. Go hon!
Tupper. I will when I got summat to go hon with. _(comes to her)_
Aurora. _(impatiently)_ Oh, there, then! _(kissed him--aside)_
They're all for 'im!
Tupper. Well, as you know, _(gets on table)_ Aurora. the doctor's
a wonderful gentle gentleman, as gentle as--well, there 'e is
gentle!
Aurora. _(more impatiently)_ I know that. I give you them kisses
to tell me summat I don't know.
Tupper. Well, I'm goin' to. When 'e was packing to go away, 'e
was that excited 'e couldn't 'ardly strap the bag.
Aurora. Well, what o' that? A gentleman can get excited without
gettin' married, yer silly kid! _(goes to steps)_
Tupper. Ah, but 'e put on a new frock coat, an' a bran noo pair
o' trarsers----
Aurora. The dear doctor! I'll bet 'e looked a toff! _(start on
steps)_
Tupper. An' then 'e 'ad a brandy and soda--wot for? _(up to
couch)_
Aurora. 'Cos 'e was thirsty, o' course, yer silly kite.
Tupper. Thirsty! It was to bring 'im up to the scratch!
Aurora. _(aside)_ The scratch! My 'eart! My 'eart! _(top of
ladder)_
Tupper. I bet my buttons 'e's enj'ying 'is 'oneymoon in 'is noo
clothes, an' forgotten all abart me an' mine. _(up stage R.)_
Aurora. _(curiously)_ _Your_ noo clothes?
Tupper. Yes, I was loored into these under false pretences. When
Mrs. O'Hara engaged me, she says she'd let orf 'er ground floor
to a very risin' doctor.
Aurora. So 'e is! The day _will_ come, 'e'll be the most
risin'--_(gesticulates with feather-duster, on steps, nearly
falls)_
Tupper. Do you want to 'ear abart my trarsers, or do you not?
_(sits on couch)_
Aurora. Yes, Tupper, o' course I do--get 'em orf yer chest.
Tupper. Well, Mrs. O'Hara, _she_ sez, 'e'll find yer in clothes,
she sez, an' think of all the gratooities----
Aurora. Great--who?
Tupper. Gratooities from grateful patients--shillins an'
'arf-crowns, she sez. Well, we been at it three months to-day--
Aurora. _(sadly)_ An' not a blessed patient 'as called yet.
_(comes down)_
Tupper. No, but the _tailor's_ called, lots o' times, an' larst
time 'e was very cross--said 'e'd 'ave these clothes orf me if
they wasn't paid for Lady Day. _(crosses to R. of table)_
Aurora. Oh! the person! Never mind; the day will come.
Tupper. The day 'as come! _(takes up pile of letters)_
Aurora. Well, never mind, look at all these--all from lady
patients, _(sits in Doctor's chair, puts on his eye-glasses)_
Tupper. _(laughing)_ Lady patients! Why, they're bills. That's
the butcher, _(puts it down)_ An' that's the chemist.
Aurora. Oh! 'e can read!
Tupper. _(puts it down)_ I know 'em all! _(reads)_ "Cummerbund
and Co., Tailors." Oh lor! That's me! _(drops the pack suddenly)_
I call it downright selfish of the doctor to go away and never
think of me. _(produces crumpled telegram from pocket)_ Oh, I
forgot, this is for you! _(hands it to her)_
Aurora. Silly kid!
Tupper. Who's it from? Your young man? _(reads wire over Aurora's
shoulder)_
Aurora. _(opening it)_ 'Arf a mo'! It's from the dear Doctor.
_(aside)_ I'd know 'is 'and writing anywheres, it's sich a sorft
'and. _(reads word for word)_ "Expect -- me -- back -- at -- half
-- past -- four -- and --: please -- have -- my -- tea -- ready."
Tupper. _(counts words on his fingers--sadly)_ There's
extravagance. Blues a tenpence on a telegram, an' my clothes
owin' for.
Aurora _(aside)_ 'Ave 'is tea ready! That I will! As if I
wouldn't 'ave it ready whenever 'e comes, bless 'im! _(stuffs
telegram in bosom, then fusses about room, putting things
straight, starts scouring bureau)_
Tupper. _(watching her)_ I believe you're in love with the "Dear
Doctor." _(picks another fag end off ash-tray and lies on couch
smoking it)_
Aubora. Oh, go smoke! Little boys should be seen and not heard!
Tupper. Well, any'ow yer always tidyin' up 'is things an'
neglectin' the missus, an' yer only 'arf 'is, yer know.
_(Front door bell rings.)_
Aurora. _(snatches ladder quickly and goes to the door, saying to
herself)_ 'Arf 'is, indeed! No! It's all for 'im--all for 'im!
_(Exit Aurora. L. U. E.)_
Tupper. _(laughs)_ That's _sure_ to be for the missus. She 'as
lots o' callers. She's a widder. If I was a woman, I'd be a
widder. _(jumps off couch)_ Oh lor, if it's the tailor, _(crosses
to fire, stands back to it, legs apart)_ I wouldn't mind so much,
only I sold my old clothes to 'ave a bit on a dead cert, wot
didn't come orf--dead certs never do--I wish my clothes was a
dead cert.
_(Enter Aurora. followed by Pearl. then Ruby. then Plant. in
single file. Tupper works behind arm-chair and gets up stage and
puts out cigarette)_
Aurora. _(aside)_ Our fust! _(fussily shaking sofa cushions,
standing behind sofa)_ Take your seats, please! _(motions girls
to sit)_
_(Ruby sits r. of Pearl.)_
Make yourselves quite at home--and don't be frightened.
_(Girls turn round and stare at her.)_
'E'll treat yer kindly--'e's got sich a sorft 'and! _(soothingly
to Ruby)_ Would yer like a cup o' tea, miss, to buck yer up?
Ruby. No, thank you.
Aurora. _(to Ruby)_ Oh, the doctor allus gives 'is ladies tea.
_(Tupper, sitting on couch, bursts out laughing and shoves his
handkerchief in his mouth.)_
Pearl. No, thank you.
Plant. _(looking round)_ Is the doctor out?
Aubora. _(bustling about dusting)_ Yes, sir.
_(Girls rise.)_
--But 'e'll be back at 'arf past, if the ladies'll kindly wait.
_(Girls sit.)_
'E's been called orf to see a lady who couldn't wait.
_(Tupper same Bus.--Aurora goes to him.)_
Plant. _(coughs.)_ Ahem! That will do. _(aside)_ Fancy setting up
for a ladies' doctor in Pimlico! How can he earn bread and butter
in Marmalade Street. No. 13, too!
Aurora. _(to Tupper)_ 'Old yer row! They're lady patients. 'Appy
girls! I wonder what they've got?
Tupper. Nuffiin'. They're a bit off _all_ right! _(laughs)_
Aurora. _(sadly)_ Are they, Tupper? Then why do they come 'ere?
Plant. _(aside)_ What has _he_ done to deserve a rich aunt who
has instructed me to draw up a deed settling a thousand a year on
him? It's disgusting! _(sits, head on hand)_
Tupper. _(sees Plant. head on hand--aside to Aurora)_ Oh,
p'raps it's 'im! _(comes to him)_ Anythin' wrong with yer 'ead?
_(touches his hair)_
_(Girls laugh--Plant looks dumbfounded.)_
Aurora. The doctor's wonderful clever for 'eads. _(same Bus.)_
Plant. Don't do that!
Tupper. Yus, 'e cured mine in a jiffy. I rekkemmend 'im to all
_my_ friends.
Plant. Ah, then I presume Doctor Sheppard has a large practice.
Aurora. _(cheerily)_ Oh yes, sir, 'e's allus practisin'--'e
practised all larst week on the milkman's baby. It 'ad the
direfearier, sir, in its throat, and the doctor was afraid the
cows'd catch it and spile the milk. 'E stopped up all night for a
week nussin' that baby. _(goes on scouring bureau)_
Tupper. Oh, he's a wonderful gentle gentleman, is the doctor.
Plant. _(aside)_ A "Gentle Sheppard?" Just what his rich aunt
hopes to find him. I must get a word with Ruby.
Ruby. _(to Tupper)_ Ah, you hear what his grateful patients think
of him.
Tupper. _(comes down)_ Grateful patients? _(shakes head sadly)_
No, miss, not yet.
Plant. You carry the medicine round, don't you?
Tupper. No, sir, not yet.
Pearl. But you're the doctor's boy, aren't you?
Tupper. No, miss, not yet--only 'arf of me, the other 'arf
belongs upstairs. You see, the doctor ends orf where the
stair-carpets begin; 'e shares me with the missus--an' 'e shares
the gal too.
Plant. _(rises, coughs)_ Ahem! That will do! Is the room always
so full of smoke?
Aurora. _(coming to him quickly)_ Oh yes, sir, wuss generally,
_(flaps wet flannel in his face)_ The doctor's a wonderful
gentleman for smoke, 'e lies on that couch smokin' all day long,
an' read in' this 'ere book, _(fetches it)_ You look at it.
_(comes down C.)_
_(Girls go up to her,)_
You can't make 'ead nor tail of it, 'cep' the pictures, an' they
is--well, there!
Plant. Ahem! That will do! _(takes it from her before his
daughters see it)_ What are the doctor's hours?
Aurora. I dunno, sir--all hours. Sometimes out all day. Sometimes
don't come home all night----
Plant. Ahem! That will do!
Tupper. Wednesday 'e went out, an' ain't back yet
Ruby. Two days ago? That lady's case must be serious! _(comes to
back of sofa and sits L. end)_
Aurora. It is serious, miss, I tell yer. _(confidentially)_ It's
a case of----
Plant.. _(yells in her ear)_ Ahem! _That_ will do!
Aurora. Sorry I spoke!
Plant. Very unusual for smoke to hang about for forty-eight
hours.
Tupper. Oh,that's nothin', sir. 'E's wonderful unusual in 'is
'abits.
Aurora. 'As a biled egg for 'is dinner orfen. _(to Ruby)_
Ruby. _(to Pearl)_ Poor fellow! He must be starving!
_(Tupper looks admiringly at Ruby. and goes to fire, stands back
to it, legs apart.)_
Plant., _(aside)_ "Poor fellow!" He'll be rich enough before
the day's out. It's hard not to tell one's own daughter--but I
mustn't betray a professional confidence.
Tupper. _(aside)_ Fine gels! _(to Ruby)_ 'E'll be wonderful glad
to see you, Miss.
Ruby. How do you know?
Tupper. 'Cos 'e's settin' up as a ladies' Doctor. miss, an'
you're the fust callers we've ever 'ad. _(aside)_ Bar the tailor.
Ruby. The first? _(to Pearl)_ He _is_ starving!
Aurora. Oh, 'e'll cure yer, whatever yer got. _(crosses to
Plant)_ He's wonderful clever. 'E'd see through you, sir, weskit
an' all. 'E don't hax no hex rays to tell 'im. _(to Ruby)_ 'E
knows all what's goin' on in yer innards----
Plant. Ahem! That will do. Er--no doubt, no doubt.
Tupper. No bloomin' doubt, sir. _(going to him)_ But I do 'ope
you'll pay afore leavin'--'cos it's Lady Day, an these 'ere
clothes ain't paid for yet--an' if they ain't--they're a-comin'
orf.
Plant. That'll _do!_ We don't want to hear any fairy tales.
Tupper. _(sadly)_ There ain't no tails about these 'ere.
_(looking at his jacket)_ It's a norrible fac'!
Plant. You can go--_(to Tupper)_ both of you. _(to Aurora)_
Aurora. _(having fetched pail--to Tupper)_ Come aw'y, you talk
too much. _I'm_ the doctor's local demon when 'e's aw'y.
_(Exeunt Tupper and Aurora.)_
Plant. Nice sort of servants for a doctor to have. _(puts book on
couch)_
Pearl. _(to Ruby. who is reading a letter)_ Who's that from?
Ruby. Lieutenant Merry!
Pearl. Oh, let me read it!
_(They read it together.)_
Plant. _(aside)_ A thousand a year for an unbusinesslike young
fool, and here am I, her own cousin's husband, and she's never
given me a penny, except what I've borrowed. _(Bus. with pocket
hairbrush, mirror at back)_ I did think my chance had come when
she sent for me to Cumberland. I got the hair-dresser to touch
out all the grey ones, thinking I might fetch the old girl, but
as soon as she saw me she was very rude, called me a fright, and
began asking some damned awkward questions about my late wife's
trust money. Just my luck! _(sits at writing table)_
Pearl. _(reading from letter which Ruby holds)_ "And, my darling
Ruby--if your father dies"--there's not much "if" about it. He
does. _(taps her hair)_ I've seen the bottle.
_(Both giggle.)_
Plant. _(aside, looking in pocket mirror)_ So I took the next
train back to Southsea, and romped my daughters up to town.
If Ruby can only hook the doctor before the aunt arrives, I'm
saved--if she can't--I'm--ahem!
Ruby. _(aside to Pearl)_ And only think, Pearl. when he's an
Admiral, I shall be Lady Merry--perhaps a Duchess!
Pearl. But, father----
Ruby. Oh, he'll be delighted. We're keeping it as a surprise for
his birthday.
Pearl. He'll be 63 next birthday--he looks more like 36.
_(Both laugh.)_
Plant. _(to them)_ Stop that silly giggling! _(crosses over to
the two, sends Pearl across to table)_ Go and sit over there.
Ruby. my precious jewel, I have something very solemn to say
while we are waiting to see the doctor.
Ruby. _(jumping up, excitedly)_ Pa, don't say you've brought us
for the doctor to sound us.
Pearl. _(quietly, sitting still)_ He shan't sound _me!_
Plant. On the contrary, I've brought you to sound the _doctor_,
_(pulls Ruby down again and sits r. of her on couch)_
Ruby. _(excitedly)_ What about?
Plant. You are aware that although we are strangers to Doctor
Sheppard, he is our cousin.
Ruby. Second cousin, pa!
Pearl. On mother's side.
Ruby. Three times removed.
Plant. Well, well, let us hope he won't be so far removed in the
future. I regret very deeply that we have never yet enjoyed the
friendship of--er--_dear_ cousin Jack.
Pearl. You have frequently remarked, it was not worth while to
cultivate _any_ of our poor relations.
Plant. _(hotly)_ Do you want your pocket money stopped? The fact
is. Pearl. you're bringing my grey hairs----_(stroking his black
locks)_
Pearl. _(quietly)_ Your what?
Plant. _(jumping up)_ I stop your pocket money for a month! Ooh!
_(puts his hand to his back)_ This lumbago is unbearable. When a
man gets to my time of life----
Pearl. _(quietly)_ What time is it now?
Plant. _(hotly)_ I stop your pocket money for _three_ months!
Pearl. _(rises)_ Really, father, a solicitor should be more
cautious. I meant to say the time is getting on, _(points to
clock and crosses to couch--stands behind Ruby)_ and you have not
yet informed us of the "very solemn" something you have to say.
Plant. I accept your explanation--without prejudice. _(stands R.
of couch)_ I say when a man gets to my time of life--the future
happiness of his offspring becomes an all-engrossing theme. You
are aware that when exalted personages contemplate a matrimonial
alliance, they neyer look outside the family. Living as we do,
in so fashionable a resort as Southsea, we cannot be too
--er--"tony" in such important matters. Now you are both--as I
know, being your father--heart-free.
_(Pearl digs Ruby hard in the ribs.)_
Ruby. _(crying out)_ Oh!
Plant. How dare you interrupt me!
Ruby. I didn't, pa, it was----
Pearl. Sneak! _(pinching her arm)_ Ruby. It was nothing!
_(Pearl sits in big armchair.)_
_(aside to Pearl)_ Little cat!
Plant. I accept your explanation, without prejudice. You have
heard from that stupid Buttons what a noble character the doctor
bears, and no man is a hero to his--his Buttons. The _one_ thing
the doctor wants is a _wife._
Pearl. To look after his buttons?
Plant. Silence, miss! And you, my dear Ruby, my favourite, I mean
my first-born, have all the qualifications for a doctor's wife.
Ruby. A doctor's wife? _(looks at Pearl)_
Plant. It has always been the dream of my life to see you united
in matrimony to _dear_ Jack.
Ruby. _Cheap_ Jack! He hasn't a penny!
Plant. Oh hasn't he?--er--_(aside)_ Nearly let it out that time,
_(to her)_ I mean should he be clever enough to win my Ruby. my
Ruby mine--er--this afternoon, he will be rich beyond the dreams
of avarice. Alas, I have no dowry to give you, save the blessing
of your dear old--your dear fond, _fond_ father, _(kisses her
forehead)_ But only obey me in this, and Lady Fortune will smile
on us all--smile--_smile_.
Ruby. _(bursts into tears)_ I can't smile--I won't! _(turns to
Pearl)_
Pearl. _(comes to meet her--aside to her)_ Of course you
won't--I'll get you out of it.
Plant. _(angrily)_ Stop that silly crying. He'll be in soon, and
you look a perfect fright with your eyes all red. You've never
obeyed me in your life--either of you--but I've made up my mind
this time, and damme--I'll make you obey me. I swear _that dear
cousin Jack shall be my son-in-law._ _(crosses C.)_
Pearl. _(going quietly to him, standing between him and Ruby)_ If
such is your determination, I will sacrifice myself.
Plant. _(contemptuously)_ You!
Ruby. _(rushing to Pearl)_ You shan't!
Pearl. I will--what is it after all? Marriages aren't made in
heaven now-a-days.
Ruby. No, no, Pearl. you're too good. I'd rather marry him
myself.
Pearl. You can't--you know you can't--you're engaged.
Ruby. Sneak! _(pinches her arm)_
_(Pearl howls.)_
Plant. _(shouts)_ Stop quarrelling! Such rivalry between sisters
is most unseemly. What do I dress you alike for?
Pearl. To save expense.
Plant. No, miss, to save _jealousy_, and I'll have no Jealousy
about this. Settle it amicably between you, _(aside, crosses to
R.)_ Good idea! They'll go it faster without me. I'll leave 'em
alone with him. _(aloud)_ Dear, dear, I've forgotten something
I particularly want to show Jack. I'll step over to our
apartments----
Ruby. Pa, you can't leave us alone in a bachelor's room!
Plant. Hang it, you're cousins, and you're two to one. Now,
remember, _one of you two must marry Jack_--that's my last word,
and you know my word, like my profession, is law!
_(Exit Plant.)_
Pearl. We've got a nice thing in fathers, _(looking out of
window)_ He's brought us up to London to put us on the market
Ruby. Yes, and by a cheap excursion. _(goes L.)_
Pearl. Now we know why we've come to encamp just across the
street--it's to lay siege to a penniless cousin. _(picks up
"Quayle on Muscles" off couch, takes it to table)_
Ruby. _(at small table up stage L., opens case, shrieks)_ Ach!
knives!
Pearl. _(looks up from book)_ _You_ wouldn't do for a doctor's
wife, whatever Pa says, _(looks at picture)_ Besides, you're not
free, but I am. _(sadly)_
Ruby. Pearl. there's Waverly! _(coming to her, looking over her
shoulder at picture)_
Pearl. Yes, there's Waverly, but he's _(turns to next picture)_
most disappointing. He's been staying at Southsea with Lieutenant
Merry for a whole week, _(turns page)_ and father's been away
the whole time. _(turns page)_ And I've given him every possible
encouragement. _(looks at picture)_ At least, of course I
didn't go so far as _you_ did with Lieutenant Merry. You
were--simply--_(turns page)_
Ruby. _(looking at picture)_ Shocking! _(shuts book and puts it
back on couch)_
Pearl. Yes, you were! _(laughs)_
Ruby. How dare you! I never gave Andrew the slightest
encouragement, _(sits on sofa)_
Pearl. My dear Ruby. I judge by results. He proposed to you the
second day. _(comes and sits by her on sofa)_
Ruby. What about you? You let Waverly kiss you.
Pearl. Only once--just there; _(touches her cheek)_ and that was
after a dance, which doesn't count. No, I've gone as far with Mr.
Vane as any girl, who isn't a born flirt, _(pointedly looking
at Ruby)_ can go, and he's said nothing--yet So I'm going to get
father to invite Doctor Sheppard down to Southsea, and I'll flirt
_desperately_ with him.
_(Ruby crosses C.)_You see, I shall be obeying father--I shall
get you out of your difficulty, and it will force _Waverly_ to
say something--definite, _(sits on the word)_
Ruby. Oh, Pearl! What a clever idea! _(thinks)_ _Andrew_ hasn't
been _quite_ so attentive since I accepted him. And, as you say,
dear papa must be obeyed, so I'll flirt with Doctor Sheppard too,
before Andrew--it'll do him a _world_ of good.
Pearl. Doctor Sheppard!
Ruby. No, _Andrew_, of course. Oh, Pearl. I wonder how they're
getting on without us? Do they ever talk about us, do you think?
Pearl. Of course they do--_everybody_ talks about us--in
Southsea.
Andrew. _(heard off)_ Not in? P'raps he's got a patient.
_(laughs)_
Ruby. It's Andrew! How do I look? _(jumps up and looks in
mirror)_
_(Pearl tries to pull her away from it--Enter Andrew. followed by
Waverly.)_
Waverly. _(looking at girls' backs and nudges Andrew)_ P'raps
he's got two patients.
Andrew. Oh, Susannah! _(takes double stethoscope off table, aside
to Waverly)_ Let's have a lark. I'll pretend to be the doctor.
Waver. No, no, never joke about business, _(scuffles to get
stethoscope)_
_(Ruby looks round.)_
Andrew. Ruby! _(goes to her with outstretched arms)_
_(Pearl looks round.)_
Waver. _(aside)_ Pearl! Oh, lor! _(goes down r.)_ Pearl.
_(coyly)_ Mr. Vane! What attraction has brought you all the way
from Southsea? _(follows him)_
_(Waverly looks confused.)_
Andrew. _(to Ruby)_ What's brought you? We called at Clarence
Parade this morning and found that you'd flown up to London by
the excurs--the early train, so we thought what a lark it'd be to
run up on the chance of meeting you.
Waver. We didn't expect to find you at the doctor's.
Andrew. No. _(to Ruby. anxiously)_ Are you ill?
Ruby. _(laughing)_ No.
Waver, _(to Pearl. wearily)_ Don't say it's _you_.
Pearl. I'm _never_ ill. What's the matter with you?
Waver. _I've_ only come with _Andrew_, _(tries to cross to
Andrew)_
_(Pearl pulls him back.)_
Ruby. _(screams)_ Oh Andrew. then it's _you!!!_ What's the matter
with you?
Andrew. _(laughing)_ Nothing! Sound me if you like. _(offers
stethoscope)_
Ruby. But _why_ have you come to see a _doctor_?
Andrew. _(laughs)_ I haven't--I've brought Vane to introduce
him to my old school-fellow, dear old, serious, studious,
short-sighted, absent-minded Jack Sheppard.
Ruby and Pearl. _(together)_ You know _Jack_?
Waver, and Andrew. _(surprised)_ Jack?
Ruby. Cousin Jack! Didn't you know?
Andrew. No, you never told us you _had_ any cousins. What a
lark! Jack's my greatest friend--because we're such opposites, I
suppose. I call him Dull Boy, because "all work and no play makes
Jack------" see? Rather smart for me, and he calls me "Merry
Andrew"--Andrew Merry--Merry Andrew--see? Oh, that was Jolly
smart for Jack--only joke he ever made.
_(Ruby sits on couch--Andrew behind couch.)_
Waver. Why have you never mentioned his name?
Ruby. We haven't seen him since he was a little boy in kilts.
Pearl. We saw lots of him then, we were both of us _awfully_ in
love with him.
Ruby. And we're longing to see him again! _(pointedly)_
Andrew. _(laughing)_ Oh, are you? Well, I shan't be jealous of
_serious_ old Jack.
Ruby. _(aside)_ Oh, won't you?
_(Ruby and Pearl exchange looks, smiling.)_
Waver. Where is he?
Ruby. _(quickly)_ He won't be back till half-past--_(coyly)_ How
shall we kill time?
Andrew. I know, come and shoot tin dickie-birds at the
Aquarium--I must have exercise.
Ruby. Oh, what fun! Come along!
_(Exeunt Ruby and Andrew.)_
Waver. _(breaking away--aside)_ I shall never have the pluck to
break it to her that I've got engaged to another girl.
Pearl. _(looking at door, then at Waverly, drops Tier eyes)_
Well!
Waver. _(stands facing audience, back to writing table--to
her)_ Miss Plant. there's something I want to say to
you--something--I--I--I don't know how to _say_ it.
Pearl. _(coquettishly)_ Then don't say it. Write me a little
note, _(taps his arm, goes to table, holds up note-paper and
pen)_
Waver. Thanks awfully! _(sits and writes)_
_(Pearl walks away.)_
_(Pauses, aside, alarmed)_ Does she mean business? She's not a
lawyer's child for nothing. She might make a Breach of Promise
out of this, _(tears up letter and pockets the pieces)_ I'd
better blurt it out. _(goes to her)_ I say, it's not--er--it's
not that.
Pearl. Not what?
Waver. I mean--er--_(absently takes from his pocket a kodak made
like a large turnip watch, and fumbling nervously with it)_ I
mean I've been and got--er--I've been and got----
Pearl. A watch?
Waver. No. _(aside)_ But it'll gain time, thank goodness.
Pearl. What is it? _Do_ tell me.
Waver. A detective camera that _defies_ detection.
Pearl. _(rises)_ Oh, what fun! _(takes it from him)_ Let's go and
take snap-shots at Andrew and Ruby when they're not looking, then
they shall take us--when we're not looking, _(takes his arm)_
_(Enter Tupper.)_
Waver. _(aside)_ She does mean business.
_(Exeunt Waverly and Pearl.)_
Tupper. _(looking after them)_ I don't like the look of those two
gents, _(takes cigarette end off ash-tray, lights it)_ They've
gorn and eloped with the fust two customers we've 'ad. _(lies on
operating couch)_ Oh, well, I don't interfere with other people's
business. I got enough to do to look after my own.
_(Enter Doctor in high hat, frock coat, overcoat, carrying a
Gladstone bag, looks as if he had something on his mind.)_
_(Jumping off couch)_ I _am_ glad to see you back, sir.
Doctor. Thank you, Tupper--a kind boy--unpack these, _(hands him
bag)_
Tupper. _(finds bag very heavy, drops it down by bureau, opens
bottom drawer, looks in, aside)_ Empty--must 'ave pawned the lot
to buy the noo ones, _(takes out pile of books and papers and one
collar)_ I wonder if 'e's spliced, 'e looks un'appy enough.
I'll arsk 'im. _(chucks books, MSS., collar, etc., into drawer,
anyhow, crosses on tiptoe to Doctor)_ 'Ave yer brought 'er with
yer, sir?
Doctor. _(swinging round on revolving chair facing Tupper, who
has backed to bureau alarmed)_ Don't talk, I'm busy! _(opening
his letters--aside)_ Can that boy have guessed? No, how could he?
_(picks up Cummerbund's letter)_
Tupper. _(aside)_ 'E's got the letter! _(closes drawer)_
Doctor. _(throwing down letters savagely)_ Bills, bills,
bills--nothing but bills! _(walks up and down shying things
about)_
Tupper. _(aside, stealing out on tiptoe)_ It's my last day out o'
bed, I know it is.
_(Exit Tupper.)_
Doctor. _(takes card out of mirror)_ "Sir Peter and Lady Quayle
request the pleasure----" That's what did it, that dinner of
Quayle's. Sir Peter told me over dessert, that for the first six
months after he started in practice, he was starving. Then he
met a young governess who was starving too, and with what their
friends called "sublime imprudence" they got married. _And he
never looked behind him after_. Then he said if I meant to get on
as a gynaecologist, I must get married. "Your wife will prove
a mascotte like mine did," he said, "and patients will flow
in--simply flow in." Well, I believe in Quayle. That was Tuesday
night; on Wednesday I ran down to Lowesloft, proposed to Flo on
Thursday, we were secretly married this morning at the Registry
Office, she's gone back to her people, and I've come back to
town; and what do I find? Nothing but bills, and I can't pay one
of them. After settling for the special license, my fare back to
town, and that telegram to Aurora. _(feels in pocket, produces
coppers)_ I've got sevenpence half-penny in the wide world and a
wife! It's all Quayle's fault! Damn Quayle! I'll never believe in
him again. I don't even know where my next meal is coming from,
_(walks up and down)_
_(Enter Aurora with the tea--goes to small tea-table.)_
Aurora. 'Ere's yer tea, sir. I was glad to get your telegram.
Mrs. O'Hara was getting quite anxious about you.
Doctor. _(aside)_ About her rent, more likely.
Aurora. She wondered where you'd got to, but I knew, sir. 'Ow is
the pore lady? Do you think she'll get over it, Doctor?
Doctor. Don't talk, my good girl, I'm busy, _(cuts bread)_
Aurora _(getting behind couch--aside)_ "'Is good girl," that
I am, it's all for 'im. I know 'e's starving. 'E goes for that
stale quartern like the pore prodigal gentleman with the 'usks,
but I've got a treat for 'im, that there card put it in my 'ead.
_(points to Quayle's card in mirror)_ I've bought 'im a beautiful
bird, that'll give 'im a relish, _(to Doctor)_ Couldn't you fancy
something light with yer tea, sir? _(back of couch)_
Doctor. Yes, I think I could--I'll finish that tin of potted pig
I left, _(rises, gets cC)_
Aurora. _(aside)_ My stars! An' Tupper's ate it!
Doctor. _(opens drawer of bureau)_ Hullo! It's gone!
Aurora. _(to him)_ G-gone bad, sir.
Doctor. _(suspiciously)_ Gone bad?
Aurora. Yes, sir, an' I've fr--fr--
Doctor. Fried it?
Aurora. No, sir, frowed it away!
Doctor. All of it? _(goes to medicine chest)_
Aurora. Yes, sir, all of it. _(one step back, nods hard)_
Doctor. _(aside)_ She's eaten it. _(to her)_ Aurora. show me your
tongue. H'm! you'd better take this. _(pours out a draught)_
Aurora. _(aside, rapturously)_ 'Is patient at larst! _(takes it)_
Thank you, sir. _(gasps)_ I've touched 'is 'and.
Doctor. You won't like it.
Aurora. I will, sir, if I die arter it. _(aside)_ I'm in seven
'eavens already! _(drinks, pulls an awful face)_ It's all for
'im!
_(Doctor puts glass back, Aurora takes big lump of sugar from
tea-table.)_
Doctor. _(seriously)_ You might have died of ptomaine poisoning,
eating that decayed tinned stuff, _(crosses to sofa, sits again)_
Aurora. Oh, sir, I never touched a mossel. _(big lump in her
cheek)_
Doctor. _(surprised)_ You didn't eat it?
Aurora. Not me, sir! I ain't no thief! _(takes another lump)_
Doctor. _(smiles)_ Well, never mind. That won't hurt you.
Aurora. Please, sir, _(looking at him fondly--hesitatingly)_
Mrs. O'Hara, she arsked me to say--as it's Lady day, would you
allow 'er----
Doctor. I know--something on account.
Aurora. Oh, no, sir--would you allow her to send up a beautiful
bird for yer tea?
Doctor. No, thanks, I--I've just dined, _(eats ravenously)_
Aurora. _(aside)_ Lord forgive 'im. _(watches him eating)_
Doctor. _(aside)_ Mrs. O'Hara has tried that dodge before, but
I'm not taking any.
Aurora. I'm sure you'd like it, sir, it's a quail on toast.
Doctor. _(aside, jumping up)_ Quail on toast!' Damn it! Do you
want to drive me mad? _(shouts to her)_ No! Go! _(sits and pours
out another cup)_
Aurora. _(aside)_ No go. 'E don't love me, or 'e wouldn't say
that?
_(Bell rings.)_
Oh, that bell! _(comes back and quickly removes the things)_
Doctor. _(still holding teapot in left hand)_ What are you doing
now?
Aurora. Clearing away, sir, in case it's for you.
_(Exit Aurora with tea-tray.)_
Doctor. What's she done that for? I wish Flo was here to look
after me. It was hard to leave her at Lowestoft, _(takes photo
from pocket, stands it up before him on table)_ Dear little Flo!
The one girl I've loved all my life! _(arm outstretched, teapot
in L. hand)_ To think that you're my wife at last! _(slowly
closing his arms)_ My wife! _(hugging teapot, yowls)_ It seems
too good to be true. And where are the patients Quayle said would
flow In? Simply flow In! _(waves teapot, tea, goes all over the
stage)_ Hello! its flowing out.
_(Enter Plant.)_
_(loudly)_ I say, where are my patients? _(loudly, coming down
stage, not seeing Plant)_
Plant. _(more loudly)_ And I say _where_ are my daughters?
Doctor. _(seeing him)_ My first! Quayle's right, after all.
_(comes to Plant teapot in hand, assumes professional air)_ Good
afternoon, won't you sit down? _(seats himself and writing table,
puts teapot on blotter. He is always absent-minded when absorbed
in his science)_
Now! _(earnestly)_ What can I do for you? What's the trouble, eh?
Plant. _(aside)_ Well, upon my word, he's a cool customer.
_(stands R. of table)_
Doctor. Come, come, let's hear what it is, or how I can help you;
you know I'm in the habit of hearing confidences, _(sees teapot,
puts it under table)_
Plant. _(indignantly)_ Sir, I'm a father!
Doctor. _(bowing)_ Sir, I congratulate you. _(writes "Father"
on note pad--to Plant cheerfully)_ Is it a boy or a girl?
Plant. _(hotly)_ Two girls, sir.
Doctor. Dear, dear, I sympathize with you. _(makes a note "two
girls")_ Mother doing well?
Plant. _(gesticulating wildly)_ The mother's dead, sir!
Doctor. _(with sympathy)_ Ah, now I understand your agitation,
_(makes note)_ And the twins--are _they_ well?
Plant. _(wildly)_ Damn it, Sir, they're not twins, and I've lost
'em.
Doctor. Dear, dear! _(aside)_ Lost his wife and both the poor
little babies, _(writing on note pad)_
Plant. _(chokingly)_ Only half an hour ago, and I've come to
you----
Doctor. _(putting up his hand)_ No, no, if your own Doctor won't
grant a certificate, it's no use coming to me. _(tears up notes)_
Plant. I tell you I left 'em here, on this sofa.
Doctor. _(rises indignantly)_ Oh _my_ sofa! Then you'd no
business to. How dare you leave the poor things lying on my sofa?
Where are they? _(looking under sofa cushions)_
Plant. Hang it, sir, that's what I've come to ask _you_. What
have you done with them?
_(Enter Tupper.)_
Tupper. _(to Doctor)_ Please, sir, Mrs. O'Hara says--_(hands him
her account book)_
Plant. _(seizing Tupper)_ Where are my daughters? _(crosses C,
shaking Tupper--threatening him with big stick)_
Tupper. I dunno, sir--give it up.
Plant. No prevarications! You saw the two young ladies.
Doctor. _(surprised)_ Two young ladies! I see now!
Tupper. Are you their _father_, sir? I didn't think you was old
enough.
Plant. _(pleased, releases him, pats his head)_ Good lad!
_(crosses down L.)_
Doctor. Where have they gone, Tupper?
Tupper, I dunno, sir--they was fetched.
Plant. Fetched? Who by? _(rushing at Tupper furiously)_
Tupper. I dunno, sir, two gentlemen--they didn't leave no name,
they simply come, saw the ladies---and carried 'em off.
_(Bus.--Plant threatening Tupper--Tupper arm up.)_
_(Exit Tupper quickly.)_
Doctor. _(aside)_ Just my luck--lost two cases!
Plant. A plot, sir--a vile plot--whoever the scoundrels are, they
shall pay heavily for this wounded heart.
Doctor. _(seriously)_ Heart? Cardiac? _(hand on Plant's heart,
listens)_
Plant. _(half crying, on Doctor's arm)_ My precious jewels!
Two dear girls, Doctor. who have never caused me a moment's
uneasiness all their blessed lives.
Doctor. Apparently not. Hadn't you better go and look for them?
Plant. _(excitedly walks up and down)_ Ah, you are not a
father--
Doctor. _(aside, looking through microscope)_ Hope not--only
married this morning.
Plant. --or you couldn't stand there unmoved. I am struck down in
the flower of my days; this is a stroke, sir, a fatal stroke.
Ach! _(cries out with pain--puts hands to his back)_
Doctor. That's not a _stroke_--that's _lumbago_.
Plant. _(hotly)_ Hang it, sir, I speak in parables--I'm not a
patient!
Doctor. Not a patient! Then what do you come here for? Parables
are no good to me. I've got my living to earn! _(rings bell)_
Good afternoon!
_(Enter Aurora.)_
Aurora. 'Ere's a letter for you, sir.
Doctor. _(taking it)_ Thanks, and show this gentleman out.
Aurora. Very good, sir, we _are_ busy to-day, sir. _(to Plant)_
This way out. _(at door)_
Plant. _(to Doctor)_ You little know whom you are insulting. Some
day, sir, your eyes will be opened--and you will discover that
the country cousin--
_(Aurora listens and mimics him.)_
--whom you spurned from your door, was none other than a fairy
prince, who will this very day lift you from the slough of
grovelling poverty to the realms of affluence and prosperity.
Good day, sir!
_(Aurora crosses and exits behind Plant.)_
Doctor. _(alone)_ "This very day"--"Affluence and
prosperity"--"fairy prince"--oh, he's off his dot! _(looks at
postmark)_ "Ambleside." Why, it's from _(rises and crosses L.)_
Aunt Susannah! "My dear Nephew: I have heard glowing accounts of
your success." My success! "I long to see my brilliant nephew
--I'm coming up to London to-morrow." To-morrow--to-morrow,
_(looks at calander)_ that's Saturday, good job it's not to-day.
Mrs. O'Hara's got an Irish party on upstairs and Aunt Susie's so
awfully quiet she can't stand the slightest noise, _(reads)_ "It
is my constant joy to know that you are devoting your days--and
I daresay many of your nights--to the noble work of alleviating
human suffering." _(looks at her picture--reads)_ "I mean to
do all that my money can do to help you to pursue your glorious
profession with everything in your favor." Its too good to be
true! _(rises)_ No, it isn't Quayle's right again! Flo _has_
brought me luck, and on our wedding day! _(pause)_ The very day!
That's what that silly old man with the dyed hair meant. By Jove!
he is a fairy prince! Oh, Flo, Flo, what a honeymoon we'll have!
_(dances all over the room with delight, seizing a sofa cushion
to dance with)_
_(Enter Aurora. followed by Ruby. Pearl. Waverly and Andrew in
single file.)_
Aurora. The Doctor'll see you directly. Take your seats, please.
_(Ruby and Pearl sit on couch, Ruby L. of Pearl; Andrew and
Waverly R. C, laughing.)_
TABLEAU.
Doctor. _(stops dancing suddenly--aside)_ Quayle's right again!
They're flowing in, simply flowing in! _(sits at table--to
Waverly down r.)_ Good afternoon. Won't you sit down?
_(Waverly sits O. P. corner.)_
Now what can I do for you? What's the trouble, eh?
Andrew. _(behind Doctor. slaps him on back, laughing)_ What do
you take us for, Dull Boy?
Doctor. _(turning round)_ Why, it's Merry Andrew!
Andrew. Of course it is! How are you? This is Mr. Vane, old
friend of mine.
Waver. _(other side of Doctor)_ How are you? _(shakes hands)_
Doctor. _(between them)_ Not a patient? _(to Andrew)_ Who are the
ladies?
Waver. Don't you know your own cousins?
Doctor. _(mystified)_ Cousins, what cousins?
Ruby. _(coming down L. of him--Andrew gives way)_ Second cousins.
Pearl. _(coming down r. of him--Waver, gives way)_ On mother's
side.
Doctor. I know, you're the Plants from Southsea? But how could I
recognise you? I haven't seen you for so long.
Pearl. _(making eyes at Doctor)_ We hope to see you every day
now; we're in town for a week.
Doctor. _(aside)_ What does she make eyes at me like that for?
Ruby. Yes, just across the road--_dear_ Jack!
Doctor. _(aside)_ "Dear Jack?" This is very sudden! _(to them)_
Er--have some tea? _(rings bell on table)_
Pearl. Oh, thank you. I love tea.
_(Girls go to sofa--Boys follow.)_
_(Enter Aurora.)_
Doctor. Some more tea, please, Aurora--hot, strong and quick!
Aurora. Yes, sir--hot, strong and quick, _(dives under knee-hole
of table)_
Doctor. What are you doing there?
Aurora. _(coming through)_ Getting out the teapot, sir.
TABLEAU. _(Exit Aurora.)_
Doctor. _(back of sofa, to Ruby)_ And have you come up from
Portsmouth with Merry Andrew?
Ruby. _(confused)_ No--of course not, my _dear_ Jack!
Doctor. But aren't you--eh?
Andrew. _(laughs)_ You've guessed it in once, Dull Boy! But it's
a secret.
Doctor. _(pleased)_ I'm never wrong in a diagnosis. _(shakes
hands with Andrew)_ I congratulate you. _(looks at Pearl)_
And you and Mr. Vane are---- _(shaking hands with Waverly)_ I
congratulate you----
_(Pearl shakes her head.)_
--Er--I mean I beg your pardon.
Waver. Don't mention it.
Andrew. You were having a jolly good caper when we came in;
what's up?
Doctor. She's coming! _(waves hand vaguely towards picture and
sits on sofa between girls)_
_(Enter Aurora with tea.)_
Andrew. _(laughing)_ Oh, _you've_ got a "she," have you? You dog!
_(back at sofa)_
Aurora. _(aside)_ 'E's got a she! _(gasps audibly)_
Ruby. Dear Jack!
Andrew. _(to her)_ Here, not so much of your "dear Jack!"
Ruby. Don't be absurd, Andrew. he's my cousin.
_(Andrew goes C.)_
I congratulate you with all my heart, dear Jack! _(kisses him)_
_(Aurora gasps again, louder.)_
Pearl. And I congratulate you too! _(kisses him)_
_( Aurora gasps a third time, loudest, and puts tray on
tea-table, upsetting milk jug onto tray. Takes everything off
tray quickly, pours spilt milk back into jug, wipes tray and mops
milk off floor with apron, goes to fire and wrings out apron in
fireplace.)_
Doctor. _(rises, goes up)_ You've got something on your chest,
Aurora----
Aurora. Yes, sir. _(takes out loaf of bread and puts it on the
table)_
Doctor. I must give you a tonic.
Aurora. _(with fervour)_ Oh, do, sir. _(goes C., aside)_ 'Is
patient again! I wonder what colour it'll he this time? _(to
Doctor as he hands her the draught)_ Will this 'ere mix with that
there, sir? _(pointing at it)_
Doctor. _(snatching it back)_ No, I'm hanged if it will!1 _(puts
it down)_
Aurora _(aside)_ I was a little silly to speak. I did want to
touch 'is 'and again. 'E's got sich a sorft 'and!
_(Exit Aurora. sadly.)_
Ruby. And what is your lady-love like?
Doctor. _(pointing to Aunt's picture)_ That!
Pearl. Oh, isn't she pretty! _(looks at Ruby grimacing)_ Who is
she?
Doctor. My maiden aunt Susannah!
Andrew. Oh, Susannah! Now you're having a lark with us.
Doctor. No, I'm not--I leave larking to you. She's coming
to-morrow.
Waver. To-morrow? We've got a box at the Hippodrome; you must
come and bring your aunt.
Andrew. Yes, we'll trot her round.
_(Doctor handing cigarettes to Andrew. who hands them to Waverly,
and Waverly to girls.)_
Doctor. No, no, she's not a trotter. She lives at Ambleside, and
she's awfully quiet.
_(Pearl takes a cigarette from Waverly, strikes match on her
shoe, lights it.)_
She'd think a visit to the Ballad Concerts was reckless
dissipation, and if she saw a girl riding a bicycle or smoking
a cigarette she'd say--_(sees Ruby and Pearl--stops confused)_
I--I--don't know what she'd say.
Andrew. _(roars and slaps him on the back)_ Just the same serious
old Jack. You must come out with Vane and me to-night.
_(Doctor writhes when Andrew slaps him.)_
Waver. Yes, we'll paint London red for you--it's the season for
spring-cleaning.
Doctor. With pleasure, but mind you, no larks after to-night. I
know what a fellow you are for practical jokes, but if you played
any joke on auntie, I'd never forgive you. She's one of the best,
and I want her to enjoy her visit in her own quiet way. _(looks
through microscope)_
Andrew. So she shall, old fellow! We'll take her to the Zoo to
see the lions fed.
Pearl. That _will_ be quiet!
_(All laugh.)_
Doctor. _(aside)_ Where's that specimen? _(rings bell)_ Oh, I
remember, in there--_(points to door R. I. E., to them)_ Will you
excuse me for a moment?
_(Exit R. U. E.)_
_(Andrew crosses to sofa, Pearl pulls Waverly on to sofa. The
Quartette sit around tea-table, talking and laughing.)_
_(Enter Aurora.)_
Aurora. _(aside)_ Where's the dear doctor? What have they done
with him?
Andrew. _(who has his arm round Ruby. aside to Waverly)_ Lend me
your detective camera?
Aurora. _(aside)_ Detective? I'm in this--it's all for 'im!
_(hides behind operating couch)_
Waver. Here, no larks, Merry Andrew. what do you want it for?
_(nervously indicating that Pearl's taken his arm and put it
round her waist)_
Andrew. _(with smothered laughter)_ I'll show you! _(takes it
from him)_
_(Waverly nervous tries to get his arm away--Andrew takes
snap-shot at Aunt's picture, Aurora watching, her eyes just above
couch.)_
All over!
_(Aurora bobs down.)_
Ruby. What's the joke?
Andrew. I'm going to that wig-maker fellow to get him to make me
up just like this snap-shot of that picture, he'll do it in half
an hour, dress and all. I'll come back before you're gone, and
Jack'll think I'm his "she."
Aurora. _(aside)_ _Will_ he? Not if I can help it! _(bobs down)_
Andrew. And you'll all be larking and smoking and kicking up no
end of a row, and poor old Jack's serious face'll be a study.
Aurora. _(aside)_ Will he? I'll learn you to make fun of the dear
Doctor. see if I don't! _(creeps to door)_
_(Exit Aurora. unobserved.)_
_(Re-enter Doctor--Waverly withdraws his arm suddenly, Pearl puts
it back.)_
Pearl. _(to Doctor)_ Jack?
_(Doctor doesn't hear, absorbed in microscope.)_
Jack, dear, has any one been here while we were away? _(toying
with Waverly's hand)_
Doctor. _(still looking through microscope)_ Only a Billy old
lunatic with dyed hair and a touch of lumbago.
Ruby and Pearl. _(jumping up suddenly)_ Father!
_(Andrew sits on couch with Waverly.)_
Doctor. _(aside)_ Oh, lor! _(aloud)_ I'm awfully sorry I didn't
know he was your father, he said he was a fairy prince.
Pearl. How like him! _(laughs)_
Ruby. Where's he gone?
Doctor. To look for someone--I think it was you. _(points to
Waverly and Andrew)_
Pearl. Had he his big walking stick? _(seriously)_
Doctor. _(nods)_ He had! He practised with it on Tupper.
Andrew and Waveb. _(together, rising)_ I think we had better be
going now.
Ruby. _(to Andrew)_ Yes, do, you don't know papa when he's
roused.
_(Waverly looks around nervously and goes up.)_
Andrew. Oh, I'm not afraid, but I've an appointment. _(winking
and smiling)_
Ruby. _(smiling)_ With a lady? _(pointing at picture)_
Andrew. _(smiling)_ Yes!
Waver. I'll come with you, I'd like to see her.
Andrew. Right! Shan't be long, Jack, and when we come back we're
going to take you out to have one jolly good caper for the last,
_(slaps him hard on back.)_
Doctor. _(absently)_ The last before auntie comes.
Andrew. _(laughing and nudging Waver.)_ As you say, _before
auntie comes_.
_(Exit Andrew and Waverly.)_
Pearl. _(to Ruby)_ He's looking at us! Suppose he's fallen in
love with us!
Ruby. He mustn't for worlds--father would accept him at once!
Pearl. _(to Ruby)_ We must be very _distant_ cousins now.
_(Girls sit on sofa.)_
Doctor. _(aside)_ I'm no match for the two of 'em. _(sits on
couch between girls--cheerily)_ Now make yourselves quite at
home, let me give you some more tea? _(to Ruby.)_
Ruby. _(freezingly)_ No, thank you. _(moves to armchair)_
_(Pearl goes to window and looks out.)_
Doctor. _(C. aside)_ Very sudden change! What have I done?
Pearl. _(looking out of window)_ Father's back!
_(Bell rings. Ruby and Pearl rush back and sit one on each
side of Doctor. cuddling close to him, each holding one of his
hands.)_
Doctor. _(to them)_ Father's back? Oh, yes, I know, _lumbago!_
I'll cure it.
_(Enter Plant.)_
Plant. Ah, here you are, my precious jewels!
_(Doctor rises, girls rise with him, still holding his hands.)_
Sir, accept a father's thanks!
_(Holds out his hand, which Doctor cannot take--Bus. then girls
release him--shaking Doctor's hand.)_
Forgive my harshness this afternoon--a father's feelings, you
know.
Doctor. On the contrary, you ought to forgive _me_--I know now
how much I owe you--my fairy prince!
_(Girls laugh and sit on sofa.)_
Plant. _(quickly)_ Hush! Not before the girls! _(goes to them,
stands back of sofa)_ My precious jewels, how thankful I am to
find you safe and well, _(aside)_ I'll give it you when I get
you home. I know _all!_ _(to Doctor)_ Two dear girls, Doctor.
who have never given me a moment's uneasiness all their blameless
lives, _(aside to Ruby)_ Have you settled? Which is it to be?
Ruby. _(aside to him)_ Me.
Pearl. _(aside to him)_ And me too!
Plant. _(savagely to Pearl)_ I shall lock you up in our room,
miss, for the rest of the day.
Ruby. _(ruefully)_ Oh, papa, how unkind!
Plant. _(aside to Ruby)_ And you too! _(aside)_ I can get on
better without you. _(to Doctor. stroking their hair)_ Ah,
Doctor. the man who would dare to rob me of my precious jewels,
Ruby and Pearl. will have much to answer for.
Doctor. Don't distress yourself, no man would be so heartless,
_(looking through microscope)_
Plant. Ahem! Not such a fool as he looks! These girls are no
match for him. I must get him alone. _(aloud)_ Well, Doctor. we
mustn't waste your precious time; I see you're busy.
Doctor. No, no, not on a Friday, to-morrow's my day. _(nearly
dances, checks himself, aside--to Plant)_ Besides I'm expecting
an old school fellow directly, he's a lieutenant in the navy, and
my greatest friend.
_(Consternation of Ruby and Pearl.)_
You _must_ stop.
Plant. My dear Jack, we should be charmed to meet any friend of
yours, but really during our short stay in town we have so many
engagements, _(to Ruby)_ Say good-bye and kiss him!
Ruby. I have kissed him once. _(rises)_
Plant. Good! Do it again for luck!
_(Pearl crosses towards Doctor)_
Not you! _(stops her)_
Pearl. _(to Plant)_ I wasn't going to.
Plant. I wouldn't trust you.
Pearl. Good-bye, Doctor. I wish you every success. _(shakes hands
and goes up stage)_
Ruby. Good-bye! _(pause)_ Dear Jack! _(pause)_ I _(going to kiss
him, catches her father's eye, aside to Plant)_ I can't when
you're looking.
Plant. _(aside to her)_ Idiot! _(aloud)_ Come, my precious
jewels!
_(Puts his arms round them; swing Bus.)_
The sunshine of my widowed home, Jack, a humble place, but when
you come to visit us at Southsea, you will echo the words of the
immortal bard, and join with us in singing, _(sings)_ "Ours is a
happy little home!"
_(Exit Plant. Ruby and Pearl. _all quarrelling loudly_.)_
Doctor. _(alone)_ What a strange man! I wonder why he's pleaded
my cause with Aunt Susannah? _(looks at aunt's picture, sitting
end of sofa)_ Poor Aunt Susie, when she was quite a girl she fell
in love with a man who turned out all wrong; that's why she's
lived such a lonely life all these years. Dear Aunt Susie! I'll
do all I can to give you a good time, _(goes back to microscope)_
_(Enter Aurora.)_
Aurora. _(excitedly)_ If you please, doctor----
Doctor. Don't bother me now, Aurora. I'm busy.
Aurora. _(sadly)_ I don't want to bother you, sir, I've come to
give you _warning_.
Doctor. You want to leave me?
Aurora. _Never_, sir, not till I'm took feet front. I want to
warn you about that detective, sir, as the gent brought in his
pocket. His friend let it off at that picture, sir.
Doctor. _(mystified)_ Let _what_ off?
Aurora. Detective camera, sir, an' 'e's comin' back dressed up
like 'er.
Doctor. _(smiling)_ Who is?
Aurora. 'Im as 'is friend calls "Merry Andrew." sir.
Doctor. _(rubbing his hands)_ Oh, is he? It's my profession to
cure people, and I'll cure _you_, Master Merry Andrew. of this
insane love of practical joking, _(thumps on table)_
Aurora. _Do_, sir, I _don't believe_ there's no ailment, male nor
female, what you couldn't not cure, sir.
Doctor. Thank you, Aurora. _(crosses to fire)_
Aurora. Excuse the liberty I've took, sir, but I thought I'd best
warn you, sir, lest when 'e come dressed up, you might think it
was--it was _she_--and--and be disappointed, _(half crying)_
Doctor. So I should have been--_very_ disappointed. _(looking at
picture)_ Thank you very much.
Aurora. Still gazin' at 'is fancy! The time 'as come. It's now or
never--I'll struggle with yer! _(gets on chair, looks over into
mirror, takes combs from pocket, puts them on, pauses)_ I do
'ope Tupper was wrong; if 'e's gorn and married 'er, I'm the
miserablest girl in all Pimlico--South Belgraviar, I mean,
_(jumps down)_
Doctor. _(turning round and seeing her)_ What on earth are you
doing? Do you want to bring the house down?
Aurora. I can't 'elp my weight, sir.
Doctor. _(smiling)_ What a swell you look, Aurora!
Aurora. _(effusively)_ 'E's seen my combs--my diamond combs,
_(shakes head to make them sparkle)_
Doctor. _(laughing)_ Did Mrs. O'Hara give you those paste things
to wear for her party?
Aurora. _(disappointed)_ No, sir, they _ain't_ for Mrs. O'Ara,
and they _ain't_ pastry things, _(aside)_ 'E don't know diamonds
when 'e sees 'em!
Doctor. They're like those in my aunt's picture.
Aurora. _(joyfully)_ Is that your h'aunt, sir?
Doctor. Yes.
Aurora. Ho! I h'am glad! _(aside)_ There's 'ope, there's 'ope!
Doctor. But those combs have gone out since that picture was
painted; you're a long way behind the times--a long way.
_(bursts out laughing and rushes out)_ Ha! ha! ha!
_(Exit Doctor. R. I.E.)_
Aurora. _(alone, sobbing)_ I'm "gorn out"--"be'ind the times,"
there's no 'ope, I shall never wear 'em again--_(takes them off)_
But I'll 'ave 'em buried with me. _(pockets them)_ I shall die an
old maid now--I can't wait till Tupper's growed up. Oh, it's an
'ard world for us maids, a very 'ard world!
_(Exit Aurora. sobbing, L.U.E.)_
Aunt. _(heard off)_ Is Doctor Sheppard in?
Aurora. _(heard off, sobbing)_ I'll see, mam, I'll s-ee!
_(Enter Aurora. followed by Aunt Susannah.)_
Aunt. _(to her)_ What's the matter with you, my good girl? _(c.
up stage)_
Aurora. _(sobbing)_ N-othin', mum. We're a b-bit b-busier to-day
than usual, that's all.
Aunt. Is this the doctor's consulting room? _(looks round with
affectionate interest--sits at his table)_ Aurora. One of 'em,
mum--I expect 'e's in one of the h'inner rooms, engaged with some
patients, 'e's always very busy on a Friday--you couldn't 'ave
picked a worse day to come and see the great Doctor. 'Ave you got
an appointment?
Aunt. I wrote to him. He expects me about this time.
Aurora. Oh! _(Bus.--mimicking her intonation)_ Then I'll tell
him. _(knocks at door R.I.E.)_ A lady to see you, sir.
Doctor. _(heard off)_ All right! Tell him to take a chair.
Aurora. _(at door)_ It ain't an 'im, it's an 'er!
Doctor. _(heard off, laughing)_ Oh, then tell _her_ to take the
couch.
_(Aunt crosses L.C., looks at tea-table.)_
Aurora. _(aside)_ The h'operating couch! Pore thing! If it ain't
a h'arm, it's a leg! _(looks at her sympathetically)_
Aunt. _(looking at picture over door)_ My picture! How sweet of
the dear boy! Oh, Jack, what a happy time we shall have together.
Aurora. _(coaxingly)_ If you please mum, the doctor says as
you're to take the couch, and he'll take your case next, mum.
_(puts her arm round her waist and walks her up to couch)_
TABLEAU.
Aunt. _(smiling)_ My case! _(sits on sofa)_ Aurora. Yes, buck up,
mum! _(slaps her on back)_
Aunt. _(amused, aside)_ Am I _very pale_, I wonder? If I am, it's
with the joy of looking forward to clasping my dear brother's
child in my arms.
Aurora. _(kindly)_ It'll soon be over. He'll be very gentle with
yer, he's got sich a sorft 'and. _(puts her legs up)_
_(Enter Doctor.)_
Doctor. _(sotto voce)_ Damn good get-up. _(loudly)_ Damn good!
Aurora. _(shocked)_ Oh, doctor!
Doctor. _(to Aurora)_ Don't you see? It's the picture--my Aunt
Susie! _(points to picture, then to her)_
Aurora. _(comes to join him, they stand c, backs to audience,
roars)_ So it is, an' I said, "If it ain't a h'arm, it's a leg."
_(roars)_
Doctor. It's _both_ arms and _both_ legs, Aurora. and we'll
have 'em off in a twinkling, _(takes coat off, rolls up shirt
sleeves)_
Aunt. _(flabbergasted)_ Both arms! Both legs!
Aurora. Right you are, sir, you fetch the larfin' gas, while I
sharpen the knives, _(sharpens two long knives from case against
each other)_
Aunt. _(screams)_ Knives! Murder! Murder! Let me out!
_(Exit quickly.)_
Doctor. _(calls after her)_ Don't go--Old Soosie-Toosie!
Aurora. _(laughing)_ We've cured him, sir, we've cured him!
CURTAIN.