dark, unless she is engaged to him or he is a near relative of hers.
A young woman should meet a young man with whom she has only a slight
acquaintance under her father’s or a proper guardian’s roof. When he
has become well acquainted with her and her family or friends, she may
take occasional walks with him alone in the afternoon, but never in the
evening.
When two women meet in a door-way, the younger gives precedence to the
elder.
A man does not first offer to shake hands with a woman unless he is
very well acquainted with her.
When it becomes necessary for one to address a man or woman whose name
one does not know, it should be as “Sir” or “Madam.”
It is very bad taste for young women to eat candy during a theatrical
performance, or, indeed, in any public place.
TRAVELING.
One can travel all over the United States alone, and if she conducts
herself quietly, and as a lady should, she will receive all due
respect. At the same time it is perhaps a little wiser to have a friend
with one, or even, if that is not possible, to be put in the care of
some one who is making the same journey.
When a young woman is traveling alone and is obliged to stay at a
hotel, she is shown to a reception room and sends for a clerk to come
to her. After the business arrangements are made, she either gives him
a card or tells him her name, and he registers for her. There is no
reason why she should go into a public room or register herself.
It is not customary, unless one is without luggage, to pay in advance
at a hotel.
Fees are usually given on leaving the steamer to the steward or
stewardess, deck steward, head waiter, waiter of the particular table
at which one has taken his meals, and any other servants who have made
themselves useful to him during the voyage. The amount of the fees
depends on the amount of the service that has been required, varying
from $1 to $5 for each. Living in lodgings abroad is much cheaper than
living in hotels, and in most of the large cities such accommodations
may be had at reasonable rates, and are very comfortable. The prices
for lodging vary according to location, etc. A steamer trunk should
suffice for a traveler who makes a short trip abroad and intends to
spend all his time traveling and sight-seeing. Money for a short
trip can be carried on the person, in a belt, or a pocket hung about
the neck. For a trip of some length a letter of credit is more
convenient, and can be obtained from any banking-house having foreign
connections. In some countries traveling in the second-class carriages
is very comfortable; in others it is not. In Italy a traveler can be
comfortable only by traveling first-class; in France second-class is
not bad; and in Germany and Great Britain it is perfectly comfortable,
and preferable to first-class in many respects.
A rush and scramble at a railway ticket office is only carried on by
ill-bred people, or by those who appear so at the time.
If a woman offers to seat herself beside a man, he should rise at once
and give her the choice of seats.
No real gentlemen would be unmindful of the comfort and convenience of
women, while traveling, from a selfish motive.
In the cars one has no right to keep a window open, if the current of
air thus produced annoys another.
A woman should always be careful to thank a person for any little
attention he may bestow upon her while traveling.
BICYCLING.
As to rules of politeness for bicyclers, one who is a true lady will
show herself to be one as surely when riding a wheel as at any other
time, not only by her costume, which will be unobtrusive in color, cut,
and adjustment, but by her manner, which will be even more quiet and
self-possessed than usual, as she well knows that by mounting a wheel
she makes herself more or less conspicuous. It goes without saying that
she will not ride fast enough to attract undue attention; that she will
not chew gum; and that she will not allow advances from strangers,
who may, like herself, be on a wheel, and, to all appearances, may be
gentlemen. Neither will she ride off alone after dark, nor take long
rides in the evening attended only by an escort. In the daytime, when
out only with a man friend, she will avoid stopping to rest under the
trees and in out of the way places. Too much care cannot be taken,
especially by young girls, as to appearances. Their very innocence and
ignorance lays them open to criticism.
TELEPHONING.
For the benefit of those who but seldom make use of the telephone, and
consequently feel more or less ill at ease when attempting to use one,
and also for those who, from ignorance of the first laws of politeness,
or who, from thoughtlessness, ignore them, a few hints upon the subject
may not come amiss. It is after having called up “Central,” and been
given the number requested, that one often stands in need of no small
amount of tact and good breeding, as well as of some idea of the best
method of procedure. When there are several different persons using
the same line, two or three of them may mistake the call for theirs,
and all rush to the telephone at once. If at all stupid, or lacking in
politeness, they will make it quite unpleasant for each other. The one
entitled to speak should politely inquire for the one for whom she has
called at the telephone, also giving her own name as the one delivering
the message. If this does not suffice to enlighten those who sometimes
keep calling “hello,” “hello,” without waiting to learn if they are
the ones desired, the one talking should again announce herself, and
the name of the one to whom she wishes to speak. Then, occasionally,
even while in the midst of a conversation, some one will break in
with a “Hello!” “Who is it?” “What do you want?” etc., which is quite
distracting. If one can gain a hearing in no other way, it is well to
say: “Excuse me, I hold the line.” If this does not bring order out of
chaos, one should ring off and call again.
One should be careful not to call up friends at inconvenient hours,
and when one is notified by a servant, or otherwise, that someone, the
name being given, is at the telephone wishing to speak with her, she
should certainly be as expeditious as possible in replying; for, by
holding the wire, she is inconveniencing others, as well as the one
who is waiting for her. No lady needs to be warned against speaking
discourteously under any circumstances to the telephone assistants at
the central office. It is in these little things that one shows herself
to be well-bred or not.
None, of course, but the most informal of invitations can be delivered
by telephone.
Servants should be taught always to answer the telephone politely and
intelligently. When answering, a servant should say whose residence it
is, if asked, not by giving the family name, as “Smith,” but as “Mr.
Smith,” and then, if asked who is at the instrument, she should reply,
“Mrs. Smith’s cook” or “maid.”
One’s individual manners, and ordinary polite or impolite forms of
address, are very noticeable when accentuated by the telephone.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER VI.
THE TABLE AND SERVICE AT TABLE, HABITS AT TABLE, SERVANTS AND SERVING.
“God may forgive sins, but awkwardness has no
forgiveness in Heaven or earth.”—_Hawthorne._
THE TABLE AND SERVICE AT TABLE.
The table looks best when not over-decorated. The housekeeper who
cannot make changes in her table decoration finds that a mirror
centerpiece is a background that multiplies the beauty of her flowers,
fruit, leaves, or whatever may constitute the decoration.
A unique and effective decoration for a luncheon table is made of long,
narrow bouquets of white carnations, tied with bows of yellow satin
ribbon, and arranged so that the ribbons all meet in the center of the
table, while the points are directed towards the guests. The effect is
of a great golden-hearted daisy.
A pretty conceit for decorating a dainty table is to cluster a number
of small palms together in the center of the table. Around these place
small ferns, while beyond the latter arrange yards of smilax so as to
conceal the pots. Outside of all have a flat border composed of loose
bunches of pinks, roses, and maiden-hair ferns. Tie these with wide
pink satin ribbons, a long end of which should extend from each bouquet
down to the place of each of the women guests, and have her name
painted in gold upon it. Then there should be _boutonnières_ of pink
carnations for the men.
Menu cards are not ordinarily used at any but the most formal kind of
an entertainment. They are always seen at large functions, men’s public
dinners, etc., which are usually given in a hotel or restaurant; but
in a private house individual menu cards, whether at a dinner or a
luncheon, are exceptional.
When the dinner is large and formal, or even when it numbers only eight
or ten, it is wise to have small cards with the names of the guests
at each place at the table, and, if the guests are strangers to each
other, to have a tray in the men’s dressing-room or hall where they
remove their coats and hats with tiny envelopes addressed to each,
containing little cards on which is written the name of the dinner
partner. The hostess must see that, as soon as two dinner partners are
in the receiving room before dinner, they meet each other, and have a
chance for a little conversation before the meal is announced; and she
should also make a point to introduce each woman before dinner to the
man who is to sit on the other side of her.
Introductions are not proper at the table, and at a large dinner it is
awkward to introduce all one’s guests to each other before the meal.
At a small dinner, of course, it is not necessary to observe all this
formality, and the hostess may introduce her guests to each other
without much ceremony, when the company numbers only four or six; but
with more, each woman should be provided with a partner who escorts her
to the table. At a small function there need be but a few minutes of
waiting before the guests are all seated. The guest of honor sits at
the right of the host.
As to the manner of arranging the table, there is some difference
of opinion. However, generally speaking, there should be a napkin,
squarely folded, in front of each guest, and at the left of it the
forks, _i. e._, a fish fork and a large and a small ordinary fork.
At the right of the napkin should be the knives and spoons, a glass,
bread-and-butter plate (if used), and a salt cellar; and in the center
of the table on an embroidered centerpiece or circular mirror, the
floral decorations. At the head of the table, upon an embroidered
square, are laid the tea service,—the urn, the cups and saucers, the
cream pitcher, sugar bowl, etc.; at the other end are placed the dishes
for serving. Scattered about on circular doilies are the dishes of
jelly, preserves, pickles (sweet and sour), olives, salted almonds, etc.
Chafing-dishes are used to prepare such dishes as terrapin, oysters, or
whatever may be cooked absolutely on the table. A napkin and plate, or
tray, is best liked for removing crumbs.
Finger bowls should always follow the last course at formal and
informal meals alike, except at breakfast, when, if fruit is the first
course, the finger-bowl is put on the table when the covers are laid
ready for the fruit course.
Spoon-holders are no longer used, but if one should be fancied it would
be better to put the bowl of the spoon in the holder first.
Unless one serves something more than wafers, small cakes, tea, and
chocolate on an “at home” day, napkins are not necessary; if, however,
there is some dish that will soil the fingers or the lips, then there
should be a pile of small napkins on the tea-table.
Tooth-picks should not be put on the table, nor should they be used
outside one’s own room.
It is not necessary to fold one’s napkin when only one meal is to be
eaten in the house in which one is staying.
The day for tying cakes, sandwiches, etc., with ribbons has passed.
The waitress should stand with a tray in her hand behind the host’s
chair to receive each plate as it is filled, passing it to the left
of the guest, and waiting for him to remove it. When the hostess is
pouring tea or coffee, the maid’s place is by her left side in waiting
for the cups. After that she should be on the alert to see when the
glasses need filling, or when there is bread, pickles, or anything to
be passed. When removing the plates it should be from the right side of
the guest, but everything should be offered at the left that the right
hand may be used to receive it.
When a dish is passed and there is no maid in attendance, one should
help himself and pass it on. If a dish is standing near one, under such
circumstances, he may quite properly ask if he may help himself, and do
so.
When a plate is passed for a helping, the knife and fork are laid well
to the side of the plate, so placed that they will not fall off, and
yet not be in the way of the server.
All the appurtenances of each course should be removed before the
succeeding one is served. The bread-and-butter plates, however, should
be removed before the salad course, as crackers and cheese are passed
with this, the salad plate being used to hold all three things.
The salted almonds should be started about the table by the hostess
soon after the guests are seated. Some hostesses possess cut-glass
or china individual dishes, on which the almonds are placed when the
guest helps himself, but it is quite usual for them to be placed on the
bread-and-butter plate.
Bonbons should be passed by the maid when the coffee is served, and
eaten from the plate from which the finger-bowl and doily have been
removed.
It is not important whether tumblers or goblets are used on the
dinner-table; each season brings its own custom.
The bread-and-butter plates at a formal dinner serve the purpose
only of bread plates, as it is not customary to serve butter on such
occasions. If it is used, however, butter should be made into tiny
balls, and one or two placed on each bread-and-butter plate.
It is customary to put the vegetables served with the meat on the
same plate. The use of individual dishes for vegetables is no longer
approved.
Oranges are seldom served at dinner unless they are specially prepared,
that is, with the skin taken off, and the sections divided, in which
case the fruit is eaten from a fork.
Cheese and crackers of some sort are always served with salad courses.
At a formal dinner bouillon or consommé is usually served in
soup-plates. At a supper or luncheon it is oftenest served in cups. The
regulation cups are those having handles on each side.
When oysters are served on the half-shell, they are usually placed upon
the table before the meal is announced.
It is not customary to serve fruit as a first course at dinner, though
at a lunch it is quite proper.
Grape-fruit must be served ice cold. It is served in two ways: either
it is cut in halves, midway between the blossom and the stem end, the
seeds removed, the pulp loosened with a sharp knife, but served in
the natural skin, to be eaten with a spoon; or the pulp and seeds are
entirely removed from the skin with a sharp knife, and the edible part
only served in deep dessert plates. Pulverized sugar should accompany
grape-fruit.
In waiting upon plates, one should never pour gravy on the food, but
place it at one side.
The salad course at dinner always succeeds the game course.
After dinner coffee is served in small cups and without cream. In
many houses rock-candy, crushed in very small pieces, is used as a
substitute for sugar, the claim being made that it gives a purer
sweetness.
Cut sugar is served with coffee, and powdered sugar with fruit or
oatmeal.
Coffee may be served at the table or in the drawing-room as is best
liked. People are not asked if they will have it; it is served to them.
Only sugar is offered with black coffee.
HABITS AT TABLE.
Nothing indicates the good breeding of a man so much as his manners
at table. There are a thousand little points to be observed, which,
although not absolutely necessary, distinctly stamp the refined and
well-bred man. A man may pass muster by dressing well, and may sustain
himself tolerably in conversation; but, if he is not nearly perfect in
table etiquette, dining will betray him.
Any unpleasant peculiarity, abruptness, or coarseness of manner is
especially offensive at table. People are more easily disgusted at
that time than at any other.
One should never rest the arms upon the table, but keep the left hand,
when not in use, lying quietly in the lap.
A man guest should never precede his hostess into or out of the
dining-room, but should wait respectfully by the door for her to pass.
A soup-plate should never be tilted for the last spoonful.
The mouth should be kept closed in eating, and as little noise made as
possible.
A goblet should be held by the stem, and not by the bowl.
Bread should be broken and not cut before buttering it to eat.
A knife should never be used at table except where one is unable to cut
his food with his fork; it should never be used in conveying food to
the mouth.
A knife should be held by its handle, and the finger not allowed to
extend up on the blade. In eating with a fork it should be held in the
right hand.
The fork is generally used with the tines curving upward.
Olives are eaten from the fingers; pickles, from a fork. It is usual to
put either a small fork or a long-handled spoon with a small bowl on
the dish containing olives or pickles, and one should use it in helping
one’s self.
The tips of the fingers are put in the finger-bowls and may then
moisten the lips. Both lips and finger tips are dried on the napkin,
which is not afterwards folded.
Watermelons are eaten with a fork, and cantaloupes with either a spoon
or a fork.
A baked potato should be eaten from the plate after it has been pushed
out of its skin by the fork.
Dried beef is eaten with a fork.
Grape seeds may be removed from the mouth with the fingers. The seeds
of watermelons should be taken from the fruit with a fork before the
fruit is put into the mouth.
Fish bones are taken from the mouth with the fingers. Care, however, is
usually taken to leave as few bones as possible in the fish, since the
general use of the silver knife with the silver fork has made it easy
to separate the bones from the meat.
Bananas are broken with a fork, and a piece is conveyed to the mouth on
a fork.
When a servant offers one a dish, he should help himself without taking
it from her hand.
When drinking from a cup, the spoon should be left in the saucer, where
it also remains when the cup is empty.
It is not proper to eat gravy with bits of bread; instead, it should be
regarded as a sauce, and simply eaten on the meat of which it forms a
portion.
It is decreed by custom that the small bones of any bird may be taken
in the fingers, and the meat eaten from the bone. But this must always
be done daintily.
What is known as “layer cake” is eaten from a fork, and in serving it
one uses either a pie-knife or a tablespoon and a fork.
Cheese is eaten with a fork.
After-dinner coffee is taken directly from the cup, and not from the
spoon.
Crackers should be eaten from the hand, and not be broken into soup.
When bread is passed, one takes a slice as it is cut, and does not
break it and leave a portion on the plate. Bread is always eaten from
the fingers.
Raw oysters are eaten with a small oyster-fork from the shell. In
helping one’s self to salt, the little salt-spoon is used, and the salt
is placed on the plate.
When strawberries are served with their stems on, one picks one up by
the stem, dips it into the soft sugar at the side of the plate, and
eats it from the stem. Bonbons are eaten from the fingers. If a spoon
is in the dish from which they are served, then one uses it; if not,
the fingers are proper.
An apple or a pear may be held on a fork, and pared with a knife; or it
may be quartered, and each quarter held in the fingers, and then pared.
Dates are eaten from the fingers.
When one answers “thank you” to an invitation to partake of a certain
dish at the table, “yes” is meant.
One should break a small piece of bread off the slice, then butter it
and eat it. Only very small children in the nursery bite from a slice
of buttered bread.
One need not fear to take the last piece on the plate when it is
offered. It would be more impolite to refuse it.
It is very bad form to pile up, or in any way arrange the plates or
small dishes put before one, for the benefit of the waiter. She should
do her own work, which is to take away the plates without any help.
When one wishes for bread, or anything of that sort, he should simply
ask for it, either addressing his request to the servant or, if there
is none, to whomever the bread may be nearest, if it is on the table.
Upon leaving the table, and the signal for leaving is given when the
hostess rises, one’s napkin should be placed upon the table unfolded,
unless one is to remain for another meal.
At a formal dinner party the host should enter the dining-room first
and with the lady in whose honor the dinner is given; the hostess goes
into the dining-room last with the most important man guest, who should
be seated at her right.
Where menus are used they should be placed on the left-hand side,
beside the forks. When the dinner is over, at a signal from the
hostess, the women rise and retire to the drawing-room, where coffee
is usually served, the men remaining in the dining-room for coffee and
cigars.
Five o’clock tea may be served in a variety of ways: the hostess may
brew it herself in a teapot upon her tea-table in the parlor; she
may make it by pouring boiling water over a tea-ball; or it may be
served by either a man or maid servant in the dining-room. Its proper
accompaniments are sugar, cream, sliced lemon, and either wafers, thin
sandwiches, or cake.
It is in better form to have a luncheon served at a large table,
especially when the guests do not number more than twenty, than to have
small tables. Two o’clock is the fashionable hour for a luncheon;
after it is over the guests usually disperse.
A host, in entertaining at a hotel or a restaurant, even if he
entertains only one woman, should give the order for the meal himself,
and save her the slight embarrassment it may be for her to make her
own selection. The most courteous thing is for him to order the meal
beforehand, but if the occasion is very informal and he prefers to
wait until they are at the table, he should, after he and his guest
are seated, hand the menu to her and ask if she has any especial
preference, and then, respecting her wishes, give the order himself to
the waiter.
If, however, friends happen in, and are asked informally to stay to
a meal at a hotel, they may order themselves what they want from the
menu, and, if necessary, the host or hostess of the occasion may pay
the bill before leaving the dining-room, but the bill should not be
paid until the guests have departed.
In giving one’s order for dinner at the hotel, oysters come first, then
soup, fish, a roast or a bird, ices, whatever dessert may be desired,
and coffee. Very often a woman is well served, when she is alone, by
allowing the waiter to arrange a dinner for her.
If the only guest at the family dinner-table is a man, he should not be
served until all the ladies of the family have been attended to.
If the hostess is the only woman at the table, she is served first,
as a lady is of most importance from a social standpoint, and it is
always proper to attend to her wants first. After her the man who is a
visitor, or whose age gives him precedence, receives attention.
The guest of honor at a tea arrives a little earlier than the other
guests, and remains somewhat later, but at a luncheon or dinner she
should appear at the regulation time. One should remove one’s gloves
at a luncheon, but the retaining of the hat is entirely a matter of
personal taste.
The inconsiderate guest who arrives late for luncheon or dinner is
shown immediately into the dining-room, and the hostess does not leave
her guests, but simply rises and motions him to a seat when he enters
the room.
Ten minutes is the time usually allowed for each course where more than
a six-course dinner is served.
The correct and usual way of seating a bridal party at a wedding
entertainment is for the groom to sit at one end of the table, and
the bride at the other end, the best man on the bride’s right, and
the maid of honor or first bridemaid on the groom’s right. The other
bridemaids and ushers are placed wherever seems best. As a usual thing,
the parents of the bride and groom do not sit at the same table with
the immediate bridal party, but at another table, together with the
near relatives on both sides, and perhaps the minister who officiated
at the wedding and his wife; but if it seems desirable to have the
parents at the bridal table, it is perfectly proper to seat them there.
There are certain distinctive features of a bridal table which must be
in evidence. One is the wedding or bride’s cake, and this cake should
be the central ornament, and should be surrounded with a wreath of
roses. The place-cards should have the initials of the bride and groom
woven together for decoration, and the souvenirs may be small satin
boxes containing wedding cake.
SERVANTS AND SERVING.
There is so much to say upon the subject of servants, notwithstanding
so much has already been said, it is difficult to know where to begin.
But, in the first place, every woman should remember that servants are,
like herself, human, and that in our free America, they are becoming
very independent, not to say self-assertive. Thus a house mistress has
no small matter to deal with when she demands obedience and respectful
attention from girls who are generally ignorant, and often impudent
and ill-bred. The greatest strength of the mistress lies in her power
to control herself, and while she must demand respectfulness from her
servants, she can often avoid a clash with them by using a little tact.
If they are treated in a kind, though dignified, manner, unless very
degenerate, they will usually respond satisfactorily.
One can speak, with perfect propriety, of the one servant employed as
“the maid,” but not as “our girl.”
Servants should be expected to dress neatly, and where there is but
one, she should have a clean white apron ready to put on when answering
the door-bell, being prepared with a tray to receive the caller’s card.
She should also know, before answering the bell, who is in and who is
not at home, and what excuse, if any, to make for each one called for.
Servants should never be allowed to call any member of the family from
a distance, as from the foot of the stairs, but should go to the one to
whom she wishes to speak, and deliver her message.
It is hard to say, under all circumstances, what to expect of a nursery
governess, and what should be her privileges. To treat her with the
greatest consideration is well worth while; for one is compensated in
being able to get an intelligent, ladylike woman who may be trusted
to guide her charges wisely. One may ask a governess to sleep in the
same room with the children, dress and undress them, eat with them, and
teach them, and take the entire charge of them; but, of course, one
will provide some attractive place for her to sit during the evening,
while the children are asleep in her room. It is also necessary to see
that her meals are well cooked and carefully served, and to permit
her to be free one afternoon and evening every week. She should be
addressed as “Miss Smith,” not by her first name.
It is expedient to supervise the work of the general house-work servant
as much as possible; and if it is more convenient for her to go up the
front stairs to announce callers, and to go down them to answer the
front door, certainly allow her to use the front stairs instead of the
back ones on occasions. A waitress or parlor-maid is no more privileged
to use the front stairs than a general house-work servant. A nurse may
be, with propriety, wherever her charges are allowed.
If a maid is expected to wear a cap, it is usually furnished by the
lady of the house.
It is good form to address the servants one knows when entering a
house, and to thank them for any attention.
It is unfortunate that the English system of feeing has come into vogue
here. But it is quite customary now, for a guest, after a visit, even a
short one, to bestow upon a servant a small fee, say, of a dollar.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER VII.
FUNERALS, MOURNING.
Civility implies self-sacrifice; it is the last touch,
the crowning perfection of a noble character.—_Mathews._
FUNERALS.
At no place is a lack of system, and an observance of formality, more
noticeable than at a funeral. An undertaker generally has charge
of the details, and where he is well informed and has sufficient
assistance, he can manage affairs nicely, but there is a great deal of
unostentatious service that may be done by friends, indeed, must be.
They can assist the servants in arranging the house, flowers, etc.,
before the funeral; meet any who may call at the door; and in every way
stand between the afflicted family and the outside world. Of course
none but intimate friends can be of service at such a time. All others,
no matter how willing, can but call at the door with offers of service,
and even that should not be carried far enough to appear intrusive.
At a house funeral the family remains upstairs, or in a side room,
and is not seen. The remains are in the drawing-room, where they are
usually viewed by those present when passing out. The clergyman stands
near the head of the casket, if in so doing his voice can be well
heard. If there is singing, it is usually done by a quartet or by a
smaller number of persons, who are seated at the head of the stairs out
of sight and unaccompanied by any musical instrument. Those who are not
going to the cemetery quietly disperse at the close of the service.
Carriages are in waiting for the family, and the cortege moves as soon
after the close of the service as possible.
In the meantime the nurse (if one still remains at the house), or some
friend, with the assistance of the servants, makes everything look as
natural and pleasant as possible before the return of the family. If
visitors come in later, of course it depends upon circumstances whether
or not they should be admitted.
Church funerals are more formal. The congregation assembles, and when
the carriages containing the family arrive, the organ plays softly, and
the procession enters, the relatives walking close to the casket, and
sitting as near it as possible. After the services the procession moves
out in the same order, and the people in the pews wait until is has
passed on.
The crêpe that is hung at the door-bell has often combined with it
ribbon streamers, those for the aged being black, for a younger person
purple, and for a child white with white crêpe also. Flowers should be
sent to the bereaved, in due time after the death, in token of sympathy.
MOURNING.
The putting on of mourning is a question that should be decided
entirely by those most deeply concerned. Many families never follow the
custom, and even wear white instead of black on the day of the funeral,
while others seem to consider the wearing of crêpe as a mark of respect
shown to the dead. To assume the expense such a change in clothing
would entail, may sometimes be placing a burden upon the living for
the sake of the dead, which certainly neither custom nor reason should
demand. Then, to many, the wearing of crêpe is so depressing that it
is a sin against one’s self to put it on. None but narrow-minded,
uncultivated persons would ever think of criticising one for not doing
so. Of course one would naturally feel like dressing in as subdued
colors as possible, if not in assuming half mourning (black and white,
lavendar, drab, etc.) if not deep black or crêpe.
When mourning is worn by a wife for a husband, it is worn from one to
two years, at least.
The question of wearing mourning for one’s betrothed must be decided
by one’s self, for it is purely a personal question that the laws of
etiquette do not govern.
When crêpe is laid aside, black-bordered paper and black-bordered cards
are no longer proper. While wearing all black on the street, after
crêpe is laid aside, one may wear, with propriety, all white in the
house.
While in deep mourning one does not go into society. All that mourning
etiquette demands is that one acknowledge her calls with her visiting
cards, which should be sent in return for a call within two weeks after
it is made, and should go by hand rather than by mail.
One sends invitations to one’s friends who are in mourning, to show
that they are not forgotten.
CHAPTER VIII.
POLITENESS OF YOUNG CHILDREN.
Give a boy address and accomplishments, and you give
him the mastery of palaces and fortunes wherever he
goes.—_Ralph Waldo Emerson._
A mother once asked a clergyman when she should begin to educate her
child, then three years old. “Madam,” was his reply, “you have lost
three years already.”
As soon as the child can talk, its lessons in politeness should begin.
Among a child’s first words should be “please” and “thank you.”
A child should never be allowed to leave the table, after it is old
enough to understand and to say it, without asking to be excused.
A child should be taught to pass behind and not before one.
Little boys should never be allowed to keep their hats on in the house.
Children, when very young, should be taught to be generous and polite
to their little visitors, and, if necessary, to give up all of anything
where half will not do.
Children should be taught to “take turns” in playing games, and that no
one should monopolize the pleasantest part of a game.
Children soon feel a pride in being little ladies and gentlemen, rather
than in being rude and impolite.
If mothers would impress upon their children’s minds how stupid they
appear when they stand staring at one without answering when addressed
with “good morning” or a like salutation, they would be anxious to know
what to say, and to say it.
Children do not always know what to answer when addressed. They ought
to be taught, so that they may feel no embarrassment.
When children inconvenience others, they ought to be taught to say
“excuse me” or “beg pardon.”
In the cars, or in any public place, a boy or a girl should always
rise, and give his or her place to an older person.
A child should always learn that it is both naughty and rude to
contradict, and to say “what for” and “why,” when told to do anything.
A mother who is as careful of her child’s moral nature and manners as
of his physical nature, will guard him from naughty and rude playmates
as closely as she would from measles or whooping-cough.
A mother should never allow any disrespect in her children’s manners
toward herself, nor toward any one older than they are. They should be
taught especially to reverence the aged.
Habits of politeness and kindness to the poor are of great worth, and
easily formed in childhood.
Virtue is born of good habits, and the formation of habits may be said
to constitute almost the whole work of education.
Habits have been compared to handcuffs, easily put on and difficult to
rid one’s self of.
Those parents who regulate their lives in accordance with the commands
of the Bible, find many verses which are of great assistance in
teaching politeness to young children, such as, “Be ye courteous one to
another,” “Be respectful to your elder,” “Do to others as ye would that
they should do to you,” etc.
A child should be thoroughly trained with regard to table manners. The
well-bred child will not chew his food with his mouth half open, talk
with it in his mouth, nor make any unnecessary noises in eating; and he
will handle his knife and fork properly.
Children should be taught that it is very rude to look into drawers or
boxes, or, in fact, to meddle with or handle anything away from home
that is not intended for them to play with.
Children should be made to understand that they must not ask too many
questions promiscuously, such as, “Where are you going?” “What have you
there?” etc.
A child should be taught never to tease a playmate’s mother, or to have
its own mother teased by a playmate. Teasing should not be allowed.
Children should never be allowed to say “I won’t” and “I will,” even to
each other.
Children should never be allowed to speak of an elder person by the
last name without the proper prefix. They should also be taught, in
addressing boys and girls, say, sixteen years of age, to use the
prefix, as “Miss” or “Mr.,” before the given name; thus “Miss Alice”
or “Mr. George.” In fact, all people should observe this rule in
addressing the young, except in case the older person is very familiar
with the younger, or in case the latter is too young to be so addressed.
Children are now taught to say, “Yes, mamma,” “What, mamma?” “Thank
you, mamma,” “Yes, Mrs. Allen,” “What, Mrs. Allen?” etc., in preference
to “Yes, ma’am,” “No, ma’am,” etc.
Children should be taught that it is rude to yawn without trying to
suppress it, or without concealing the mouth with the hand; to whistle
or hum in the presence of older persons; or to make any monotonous
noise with feet or hands, beating time, etc.; to play with napkin
rings, or any article at table during meal time; to pick the teeth
with the fingers; to trim or clean one’s nails outside one’s room; to
lounge anywhere in the presence of company; to place the elbows on the
table, or to lean upon it while eating; to speak of absent persons by
their first names, when they would not so address them if they were
present; to acquire the habit of saying “you know,” “says he,” “says
she;” to use slang words; to tattle; to hide the mouth with the hand
when speaking; to point at anyone or anything with the finger; to stare
at persons; to laugh at one’s own stories or remarks; to toss articles
instead of handing them; to leave the table with food in the mouth; to
take possession of a seat that belongs to another without instantly
rising upon his return; to leave anyone without saying “good-by;” to
interrupt any one in conversation; to push; to ridicule others; to
pass, without speaking, any one whom they know; etc.
Some young people are not as particular as they should be about certain
articles of the toilet, such as combs, brushes, etc. One should always
have such things for his own individual use. It is exceedingly
impolite to use any toilet article belonging to another.
It is ill-mannered to ask questions about affairs that do not concern
one, or to pry into the private affairs of one’s friends. To inquire
the cost of articles indiscriminately, is impudent.
If parents are not at home when visitors come in, or are too busy to
see them at once, a child, in the absence of a maid, should politely
show them in, offer them a comfortable chair, show them anything he
thinks they will be interested in, and make every effort to entertain
them agreeably until such time as his parents can take his place. He
should then politely withdraw from the room.
Children and young people should early learn not to monopolize the best
light or the most desirable seat in the room, but to look about when
anyone enters, whether a guest or an older member of their own family,
and see if by giving up their own place the new-comer may be made more
comfortable.
A boy ought to show to his mother and sisters every attention he would
show to any other woman. Should they chance to meet on the street he
should politely raise his hat. He should allow them to pass first
through a door, give them the inside of the walk, help them into a
carriage, and everywhere and under all circumstances treat them with
politeness and deference. Girls should of course treat their brothers
in the same polite manner; for they can hardly expect to receive
attentions where they are unwilling to bestow them.
Children, especially little boys, should be taught not to precede their
mothers, or any woman, into theaters, street cars, churches, elevators,
or into the house or even a room.
SCHOOL-ROOM ETIQUETTE.
“Good manners are the shadows of virtues, if not
virtues themselves.”
If teachers realized the inestimable amount of good they might
accomplish by giving a little time and thought to the manners of their
pupils, surely they would willingly give it. Those of their pupils who
have no proper training at home would thus gain a knowledge which, in
after life, would prove a blessing. And such a course acted upon by the
teacher would be of great assistance to the parents of those who are
well trained at home; for a large portion of a child’s time is spent in
school, and under conditions that require such training.
Teachers must treat their scholars politely if they expect polite
treatment from them.
Every teacher should see that no pupil is allowed to treat those of a
lower station in life with disrespect.
It is a common occurrence for a teacher to speak with seeming
disrespect of a pupil’s parents, blaming them for the pupil’s lack of
interest in school, truancy, etc. Such a course is highly reprehensible
in the teacher, and gains the pupil’s ill-will. It is better to assume
that the parents would be displeased with anything wrong in the pupil,
and to appeal to the pupil for his mother’s or father’s sake.
A teacher should never allow herself or himself to be addressed by
pupils as “Teacher,” but as Miss or Mr. Smith.
If pupils would take pains to bid a teacher “good-morning” and
“good-night,” they would appear well in so doing, and easily give
pleasure to another.
The entire atmosphere of a school-room is dependent upon trifles. Where
a teacher, by her own actions and in accordance with her requirements,
insures kindness and politeness from all to all, she may feel almost
sure of the success of her school.
Young misses ought to be addressed by the teacher as “Miss Julia,”
“Miss Annie.” Young boys (too young to be addressed as Mr.) should be
addressed as “Master Brown,” “Master Jones,” etc.
Teachers should use great discretion in reproving any unintentional
rudeness, especially on the part of those ignorant from lack of home
training. If such were reproved gently and privately, it would be
more efficacious and just. No one should be allowed to appear to
disadvantage from ignorance.
Selfishness, untruthfulness, slang, rowdyism, egotism, or any show of
superiority should be corrected in the school-room.
Young teachers hardly realize with what fear and dread mothers intrust
to them their carefully reared children, especially young ones.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER X.
OFFICIAL ETIQUETTE.
“Good fashion rests on realty, and hates nothing so
much as pretenders.”—_Emerson._
All presentations to foreign courts are made through the national
representatives, and from them is received all the information desired
in reference to the necessary forms and ceremonies.
Kings and queens are addressed as “Your Majesty.” The Prince of Wales,
the crown princes, and all other princes and princesses are addressed
as “Your Royal Highness.”
The President’s “levees” at Washington are open to all, and are
conducted very much as an ordinary “reception.” As one enters, an
official announces him, and he proceeds directly to the president and
his lady, and pays his respects.
The door of the White House may be said never to be closed, and any
one who desires may call upon its occupants as upon those of any other
dwelling. He may not, however, obtain a personal interview. This, to be
secured, he must seek in the company of an official or intimate friend
of the president, who will be able to judge of the claims for attention
of a visitor.
No particular style of dress is required to make one’s appearance at
the Republican Court.
No refreshments are expected to be offered at a presidential reception.
Custom does not require that the wife of the president of the United
States should return official calls. Exception is made in the case of
visiting Royalty. The wives of the foreign ambassadors should make the
first call upon the wife of the vice-president, as should the wives
of the cabinet officials. At a function given by officials of foreign
governments at Washington, the wife of the secretary of state takes
precedence over the wives of the foreign ambassadors.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER XI.
BUSINESS CORRESPONDENCE, APPLICATIONS, ETC.
Since custom is the principal magistrate of human
life, let men by all means endeavor to obtain good
customs.—_Lord Bacon._
CORRESPONDENCE.
BUSINESS CORRESPONDENCE.
Closely written postal cards and long letters meet with little favor
among business men; therefore it is important to make business
correspondence as plain and brief as possible.
Names of places and persons should be written very plainly.
When a letter is written in reply to another, the date of the letter to
which the reply is made should be given, and it is an excellent plan,
and one that saves much time, to give in a letter the substance of the
one to which it is a reply. This is especially desirable when accepting
a special offer made in such letter, thus:
Mr. A. FLANAGAN, Chicago, Illinois.
_Dear Sir:_
Your favor of Feb. 15, in which you offer us a discount
of 33-1/3 per cent. on your books, when purchased in
lots of 100 or more, came duly. We herewith enclose
our check for three hundred dollars ($300.), for which
please ship us, by freight the following:
100 copies of “Words; Their Use and Abuse.”
100 “ “Getting on in the World.”
100 “ “Hours with Men and Books.”
Respectfully,
GEO. W. JONES & CO.
Boulder, Colo., April 3, 1899.
Griggsville, Ill. MESSRS. HARPER & BROTHERS, New York.
_Gentlemen:_
Enclosed is a post-office order for $3, for which
please send me Harper’s New Monthly Magazine for one
year, beginning with the May number.
Respectfully,
(MISS) SARA BROWN.
When writing a business letter, a married woman should sign her name as
she would sign it when writing any other letter; that is, by placing
her first name and surname in the usual position of the signature, and
adding, a little to the left-hand, her name in full, with the address,
thus:
St. Paul, Minn., Nov. 9th, 1899.
MESSRS. HARPER & BROTHERS, New York.
_Gentlemen:_
Please send me one copy of “How Women Should Ride,” for
which you will find enclosed one dollar and twenty-five
cents ($1.25).
Respectfully,
EMMA C. BOWEN.
MRS. CHARLES E. BOWEN,
324 Dupont Avenue.
When writing to a person or firm for information solely for one’s own
benefit, a postal card or a stamped envelope should be enclosed for a
reply.
It is a too common custom among people unacquainted with the rules
of business, when sending an order to one firm, to enclose money to
be paid another, or with which to make small purchases in some other
line, to be sent in the package ordered from the firm with which the
correspondence is held. The proper way to do when one wishes to order
goods from different houses in the same city, and yet have all the
goods shipped in the same package, is to write an order to each firm
requesting the goods to be delivered to the firm with which one does
the most business, having, of course, notified such firm of his action.
It has become so common among people to request everything “by return
mail” that business men look upon such requests as a mere form, rather
than as an evidence of urgency. If such urgency exists, it is well to
state the cause of it in a few words, and request immediate attention
to the order, thus:
Harvard, Ill., Nov. 2, 1899.
MESSRS. A. C. MCCLURG & CO., Chicago.
_Gentlemen:_
I enclose herewith $2, for which please send me a copy
of Longfellow’s poetical works. You will oblige me by
sending the book by return mail, as I wish to use it on
the evening of the 4th inst.
Respectfully,
JAMES WELLS.
Whoever writes a caustic letter makes a mistake; for it will do no
good, even if there seems to be a cause for it, and if the assumed
cause proves to be simply a mistake the writer will be humiliated.
LETTERS OF APPLICATION.
It is sometimes difficult to write a letter of application, because
one must speak of himself and of his ability to fill the position
sought, and to do so without seeming egotistic. If the applicant has
had experience in work similar to that for which he applies, a simple
statement of the fact, the length of time engaged in such work, the
reason for quitting his last position, and the name and address of his
former employer, should form the substance of his letter. If he has had
no experience, he should state what advantages he has had to qualify
himself for the work, and not boast that he could soon and easily learn
to do it.
The following will exemplify the points:
124 La Salle St.,
Chicago, Sept. 24, 1899.
MESSRS. A. G. BAKER & CO.,
Kirkwood, Ohio.
_Gentlemen:_
I am informed by a friend, Mr. C. A. Brooks, of your
village, that you are in want of a book-keeper, and
I desire to make application for the position. I am
a young man, but have had several years experience
in keeping books. I am now in charge of the books of
Messrs. Jones & Williams, of this city, to whom I
can refer you for information as to my ability and
character. I desire to go to the country, and should be
glad to work for you, if you can pay me $70 per month,
which is my present salary.
Very respectfully,
T. R. MILLER.
Salem, Wis., May 15, 1899.
MESSRS. CLARK & WILLIAMS,
107 State Street, Chicago.
_Gentlemen:_
I am informed that your shipping clerk is soon to
leave, and that the position now held by him will be
vacant. I desire to apply for the same, but I am sorry
to state that I have not had any experience in this
particular line of work; however, I have been a general
clerk in a village store, and am familiar with simple
book-keeping, which would probably enable me to learn
the work of a shipping clerk in a reasonable length of
time.
In case you should wish to engage me on trial, I would
gladly assist, without compensation, your present clerk
until the end of his engagement, which, I understand,
is about three weeks from date.
My present employer is Mr. G. W. Webster, of this
place, and he will doubtless answer any inquiries
concerning my work that you may address him.
Respectfully,
GEO. E. JOHNSON.
Such letters should always contain a stamp for a reply. The stamp is
attached by its corner or by a pin to the head of the letter.
Great precaution should always be taken not to send a letter with
insufficient postage on it; for the additional postage is collected
from the person to whom the letter is sent, and many business men look
upon such neglect as inexcusable, if they do not consider it dishonest,
inasmuch as it compels others to pay what the writer should have known
it was his duty to pay.
An application for a position as teacher in a public school is often
very difficult to write, because it is necessary to say much, and to
say it, in some cases, to men who are not thoroughly familiar with
business principles.
Before giving any forms, some suggestions which experience has taught
may be of great importance. The handwriting should be natural. If one
has a degree, he should not sign his name with it, but state in his
letter that he is a graduate, naming the institution from which he was
graduated. All boasting should be avoided. One should not ask a reply
by return mail, but he might enclose a postal card or a stamp with a
request to be informed when the board meets to consider applications.
One ought not to name as references persons who know nothing about his
work; for although they may, if consulted, endeavor to praise him,
they will show their ignorance of what he has done, and the board will
naturally assume that he has no better references.
As a rule it is not advisable to give testimonials from ministers or
from county superintendents, unless the writers can say that they are
familiar with the teacher’s work, and have visited his school. Very
old testimonials should not be placed before a board. Indeed, it is
doubtful whether any testimonial, unless it comes from a competent
judge, is of value.
If boards would consult one’s references, or seek information from
outside sources, it would be only just to all concerned; but as they
will not often do this, it is wise to send copies of two or three,
generally not more, good testimonials, and to have one or two of the
applicant’s friends write the board in his behalf.
A letter of application, especially if for the position of
superintendent or that of principal, should be full and explicit,
specifying the opportunities the writer has had to prepare himself for
the position, rather than stating that he has done so-and-so, for in
the latter case it might seem like boasting.
Sometimes a short letter, unless circumstances demand a long one, will
be most favorably received by a board. The writer once knew a very
important position to be obtained by a correspondence about as follows
(names of places, dates, etc., are omitted):
TO THE HONORABLE BOARD OF EDUCATION.
_Gentlemen:_
I learn through a friend in your county, that the
position of superintendent of your school is vacant.
If the position has not been filled, I desire to make
application for the same. I am a graduate of ————, and
have taught three years. I am now principal of the ————
schools, but desire to teach in your State, as my home
is there.
Respectfully,
—————————
A stamp was enclosed for a reply. The secretary of the board at once
wrote asking for references and stating the salary paid. The applicant
replied that he did not wish the position at the salary named, and
thanked the secretary for the trouble he had been given.
Had the applicant written a long letter, setting forth the value of his
services, and urging the board to raise the salary, it is not probable
that a reply would have been received by him. The simple statement that
he did not want the position at the salary named, was evidence to the
board that he considered his services worth more, and, moreover, that
he had confidence that he would command more. The secretary replied
to the last short note, asking for references and at what salary he
would accept the position. The information was given, and in a few days
the applicant was requested to meet the board with the assurance that
the position would be given him if the interview proved satisfactory,
which it did. Afterwards the applicant was informed by the president of
the board that his short business-like letters, written in an almost
illegible but natural hand, obtained for him the place over nearly
one hundred applicants, many of whom were college graduates of long
experience in teaching, and who had basketfuls of testimonials, but not
one of whom had written even a fairly good letter of application.
Many cities and towns have stated public examinations, which applicants
must attend before they can be employed.
The impression of character and of qualification produced by a personal
interview is deemed so important that even minor appointments are
scarcely given to any one not personally known to one of the school
board, or to some one in whose professional judgment they have great
confidence.
Preliminary inquiries about positions are most profitably made through
acquaintances, who can advise one whether to take any further steps.
One might write as follows:
Chicago, Ill., Nov. 3, 1899.
_My Dear Friend:_
May I trouble you to ascertain whether there is any
vacancy in the schools at Elgin, to which I would have
any prospect of an appointment? You will confer a great
favor upon me if you will ask the superintendent,
and let me know soon what he says. You can say to
him that after I finished the high school course at
Racine, I taught a term in a district school in Racine
County, Wis., and was one year in charge of a primary
department at Woodstock, and that I had charge of the
grammar department at the latter place last year.
You know something of the work I have done, and I can
furnish testimonials from the school officers where I
have taught.
Yours very truly,
EMMA C. BOWEN.
If a favorable answer is received, something like the following form
may be used, which is also a form suitable to make application where
one is already acquainted, and where formal applications are expected.
Chicago, Ill., Jan. 10, 1899.
MR. C. E. RYAN,
Supt. of Public Schools,
Elgin, Ill.
_Dear Sir:_
I desire to obtain a position in the schools of your
city. I enclose a letter from Mr. Henry Jones, a
director of Woodstock, where I last taught; and I
refer you to Mrs. Mary Smith, of Elgin. I prefer the
intermediate work, but would not object to any position
that I may be able to fill.
I completed the course in the Racine High School, and
have taught a little more than two years, first in
a country school, then in a primary school a year at
Woodstock, where I afterward had charge of the grammar
room for a year.
Please inform me when and by whom candidates are
examined, as well as what vacancies there are, and be
kind enough to make any suggestions that you think will
be helpful to me.
Very respectfully,
(Miss) EMMA C. BOWEN.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER XI.
GENERAL HINTS.
We remain shackled by timidity till we have learned to
speak and act with propriety.—_Samuel Johnson._
A man raises his hat when walking with another, not only to his own
acquaintances, but to those persons who bow to his companion, whether
he is acquainted with them or not.
If a man meets a woman in a hotel corridor or hall he should step
aside, allowing her to pass, and raising his hat.
If in a public place a man hands a woman anything she has dropped, he
should raise his hat when offering it to her. A well-bred man raises
his hat after passing the fare of a woman in a car or coach. This does
not mean that he has any desire to become acquainted with her, but it
is his tribute to her sex.
Slight inaccuracies in statements should not be corrected in the
presence of others.
One should give her children, unless married, their Christian names
only, or say “my daughter” or “my son,” in speaking of them to anyone
excepting servants.
Men remove their hats when in elevators in the presence of women.
Men having occasion to pass before women seated in lecture and concert
rooms, and all other places, should “beg pardon,” and pass with their
faces, and not their backs, toward them.
In going up or down stairs, a man precedes a woman or walks by her side.
To indulge in ridicule of another, whether the subject be present or
absent, is to descend below the level of gentlemanly propriety.
A reverence for religious observances and religious opinions is a
distinguishing trait of a refined mind.
Religious topics should be avoided in conversation, except where all
are prepared to concur in a respectful treatment of the subject. In
mixed societies the subject should never be introduced.
Frequent consultation of the watch or time-piece is impolite, either
when at home or abroad. If at home, it appears as if one were tired
of the company and wished them to be gone; if abroad, as if the hours
dragged heavily, and one were calculating how soon he would be released.
It is very unbecoming to exhibit petulance or angry feeling, though it
is indulged in largely in almost every circle. The true gentleman does
not suffer his countenance to be easily ruffled.
The right of privacy is sacred, and should always be respected. It
is exceedingly improper to enter a private room without knocking. No
relation, however intimate, will justify an abrupt intrusion upon a
private apartment. Likewise the trunk, boxes, packets, papers, or
letters of any individual, locked or unlocked, sealed or unsealed,
are sacred. It is ill-mannered even to open a book-case, or to read a
written paper lying open, without permission, expressed or implied.
Members of the same family should never differ with each other in
public.
One should never appear to be thinking of his own personal rights to
the resenting of a little slight, whether real or imaginary.
In small communities where near neighbors, for convenience’s sake,
borrow back and forth, great care should be taken that the practice
does not become a nuisance, as it surely does when it is indulged in
too frequently, and when borrowed articles are not speedily returned
and in good condition. There should be no stinted measures in returning.
Ostentation is snobbish, as is all too great profusion.
To affect not to remember a person is despicable, and reflects only on
the pretender.
Some conceited or ill-bred people imagine they make themselves
important and powerful by being rude and insulting.
One is judged, to a great extent, by the character of his associates.
One should be very careful how he asks for the loan of a book. If
interest is shown in one, its owner will offer it for perusal if
willing to lend it. When reading a borrowed book, one should take the
best of care of it, and return it as soon as possible. No real lady
or gentlemen will leave finger prints upon its pages, or turn down
its leaves in place of a book-mark, or scribble in it with a pencil,
or loan it to a third person without the knowledge and consent of the
owner.
A lack of reverence in one in the house of God, implies low parentage,
or a coarse nature that is not subject to refinement.
To whisper and laugh during any public entertainment proclaims one’s
ill-breeding, and invades the rights of others.
One ought never to leave the house after the evening’s entertainment
without bidding the hostess good-night, and acknowledging the pleasure
the evening has afforded him.
The business man has no stock-in-trade that pays him better than a good
address.
It is only those persons and families whose position is not a secure
one, that are afraid to be seen outside their own social circle.
One should never reprove servants or children before strangers.
A true lady will not betray her astonishment at any violation of
conventional rules, least of all will she make it her province to
punish those who may make any such violation.
If one, on meeting another, fails to recall the name, he should frankly
say so.
One should never recall himself to the recollection of a casual
acquaintance without at the same time mentioning his name.
In a flat-house a man should take his hat and coat into the apartment
where he is going to call, and not leave them in the hall on the first
floor.
It is very bad taste, even in quite a large party, for young girls to
visit a man at his office.
It is perfectly good form for a mother to invite to a little child’s
party children whose parents she does not know, or who have not yet
called upon her. The invitations go out in the child’s name and to the
child’s friends.
It is extremely rude and ill-bred, when at a boarding-house or hotel
table, to criticise the food that is served. The fact that it is paid
for makes it none the less an evidence of bad manners. People who are
not satisfied where they are boarding should always leave; they have no
right to make others uncomfortable by their lack of good-breeding.
Women of good-breeding do not permit themselves to “overlook” those to
whom courtesies are due.
A man should learn to put his coat on in a public place of
entertainment so that he will not require assistance from the woman who
is with him.
The young woman to whom a seat is offered should take it, unless her
companion is an older woman, when it would be quite proper to extend
the courtesy to her.
It is very bad taste, even for a frolic, for a young girl to assume
boy’s clothes, or get herself up in any way that will tend to make
herself look masculine.
There is no impropriety in giving to those men friends with whom one is
well acquainted, some trifling souvenir at Christmas or Easter, or on
birthdays.
It is customary for a young man to send a young woman only such gifts
as flowers, candy, and books; and as these presents are sent merely
as a slight return for her hospitality and invitations to her house,
etc., it is not necessary for her to send him any gift in return. If,
however, a young woman and man are on intimate enough terms to exchange
presents, she may send him any small article for the desk or toilet;
such as a silver-handled whisk broom, court-plaster case, pen-wiper,
paper-cutter, or books, which are a good present and always acceptable
to any one.
Nothing looks more ill-bred than to see a young man, under his parents’
roof, devoting himself during a whole evening entirely to one young
woman to the ignoring of the others.
A man who is escorting two women in the street should not walk between
them, but on the outside of both near the curb; at the theater or at
any place of amusement or at church, he should sit nearest to the
aisle, at the side of one of them.
Unless there is some good reason why she needs his support, a man
seldom offers his arm to a woman he escorts, even in the evening. A
husband may offer his arm to his wife, of course, and a man may proffer
this help to an invalid or aged person.
A little delicate perfume may be used with propriety, but a heavy
perfume, and one that scents the entire room in which the person who
uses it happens to be, is in very bad form.
In opening a door from the hall to the drawing-room, a man should hold
it while a woman precedes him in entering.
When one’s pardon is asked for some slight inattention, an inclination
of the head and a smile is the best answer.
The words “gentleman friend” and “lady friend” have been so vulgarized
that most well-bred women now say “man friend” or “woman friend,” it
being taken for granted that they number among their friends only
ladies and gentlemen.
Custom never condones liberties, no matter how slight, between young
men and women.
When a woman is visiting, any acquaintance who should call upon her
should also ask for her hostess, and if she is absent leave a card for
her.
It is considered very bad taste for a young girl to address a man with
whom her acquaintance is but slight by his Christian name.
No young man has any right to spend the entire afternoon and evening
every Sunday at one particular house, to the annoyance of an entire
family, who do not like to make him conscious of the fact that they
consider him a bore.
When a young man is paying a visit, and the older members of the family
are in the room, he should, in leaving, bid them good-night first, and
afterward say his farewell to the young girl on whom he has called. It
is in bad taste for her to go any further than the parlor door with him.
Even if a correspondence is of a “purely friendly character,” it should
not exist between a married woman and a young man, or between a married
man and a young woman.
It is not good taste to ask one’s men friends to buy tickets for
charity affairs. They do not like to refuse, and very often, though the
sum required may be small, they cannot afford it.
There is very great harm in young girls meeting young men in
secret; the men will have no respect for the girls, and nothing but
mortification for the girls will be the result.
It is quite proper to thank any public servant, such as a railroad
conductor, for any information he may give, but it is not necessary to
be effusive about it.
It is not in good taste, nor even proper, for young women to go alone
to a hotel to dine with a man.
When a girl is young and pretty, a Platonic friendship is very
difficult to keep up.
When a man friend has driven a woman in town to go to church he should
take her direct to the church and leave her there while he drives where
his carriage and horses are to wait until after the service. Of course
he would walk to church and join her there.
It is not in good taste for different members of a party to go off in
pairs, and spend the evening alone on the seashore.
It is not wise for a young woman and young man living in the same city
to correspond. If meeting each other often they ought to be able to say
all that is necessary.
One has no right whatever to read a postal card addressed to another
without permission.
The very minute the married man begins to tell of his wife’s faults,
the time has come to cut his acquaintance.
It is more than wrong for a young girl to receive visits from a married
man.
In entering any public place a woman should precede a man, but going
down the aisle, the usher, of course, would precede her.
A hostess stands to receive her visitors, but she does not advance to
meet them unless the visitor should be some one quite old or of such
importance that the visit is of great honor. The hostess extends her
hand to the men who call, as well as to the women.
A woman is not supposed to recognize a man who is one of a group
standing in a public place, since a modest girl will not look close
enough at a group of men to recognize an acquaintance.
No matter how well a woman may know a man, it would be in very bad form
to send him an invitation which does not include his wife, unless it
should be at some affair at which only men are to be present.
A man should show as much courtesy to a woman in his employ as he does
to the women he meets in social life.
It is not in good taste to visit at the home of one’s betrothed, unless
a personal invitation is received from his mother.
Two women may attend, with perfect propriety, a place of amusement
without an escort. They should be, however, under such circumstances,
exceptionally quiet in their manners and their dress.
In escorting a young woman home, a man should go up the steps with her,
wait until the door is opened, and, as she enters the house, raise his
hat and say good-night.
If a young girl were very ill, there would be no impropriety in her
mother bringing her betrothed to see her, although, of course, she
would remain in the room during his visit.
It is always proper and courteous for a person in church to share
either prayer-book or hymnal with anyone who may be without either.
There is no impropriety in a woman’s permitting a man friend to assist
her in putting on her over-shoes.
If one approves of the acting or the sentiment of the play, there is no
impropriety in expressing gentle applause, but a loud clapping of the
hands is decidedly vulgar.
One should never prevent people from leaving his house when they
desire. That is not hospitality. It is tyranny; it is taking a mean
advantage of their unwillingness to offend.
If a women lives in a boarding house and has only one room, it would
be very bad taste to receive any man visitor there. Even if it is not
quite so agreeable, they should be received in the public parlor.
When a man and woman approach a hostess together, the hostess should
shake hands with the woman first.
When a man calls on a woman, he shakes hands with her on his arrival;
but, unless he is very intimate in the house, a simple bow is
sufficient when he leaves.
An unmarried woman writing her name in a hotel register should prefix
it with “Miss” in parentheses.
When a man friend has taken a lady to a concert, she should thank him
for his kindness in having given her a pleasant evening.
It is not advisable for a girl to deliberately “cut” any man. If
she wishes to discontinue her acquaintance with a man whom she
cannot respect, it may be done gradually, at first by the coolest of
greetings; then, by a look in the other direction; and in time all
recognition will cease.
If a stranger takes occasion to be polite to one during a street-car
accident, all that is necessary is a polite “thank you.”
When a man who is to escort a girl to an entertainment calls for her at
her own home, it is proper for her to appear with her wraps on, and be
ready to start at once.
If a man is courteous enough to open the door of a store or any public
building for a woman, she should thank him.
If a girl of sixteen goes to an evening affair, her mother should
arrange to have either a servant or a member of the family go after her
to bring her home.
If the hostess opens the door for a man caller, she should precede him
in entering the parlor.
After having taken a meal or having received any other kind of
entertainment at a private house, before leaving a guest should express
his thanks, or, rather his enjoyment, of the same to the hostess. This
courtesy from a young man or girl is very acceptable to elderly ladies.
Queen Victoria has forgiven certain breaches of etiquette made in
ignorance, and left her guest to discover the mistake at another time.
It is a reprehensible host indeed who does otherwise, and so makes a
guest uncomfortable. Etiquette is all wrong and false when it makes one
forget the higher laws of courtesy or hospitality.
[Illustration]
* * * * *
Transcriber’s Notes:
Obvious punctuation errors repaired.
Page 5, repeated word “to” removed from text (cares not to be seen)
Page 7, “introducd” changed to “introduced” (are introduced to each)
Page 15, “BNOWN” changed to “BROWN” (MISS ANNA BROWN)
Page 19, “furture” changed to “future” (one’s future home is)
Page 20, “seen” changed to “seem” (in her power to seem)
Page 32, “amd” changed to “and” (Mr. and Mrs. Charles)
Page 43, “distrub” changed to “disturb” (to disturb a hostess)
Page 48, repeated word “the” removed from text (tables after the
playing)
Page 53, repeated word “be” removed from text (should be issued on)
Page 54, “maché” changed to “mâché” (papier mâché)
Page 74, “Britian” changed to “Britain” (Great Britain it is perfectly)
Page 83, “wating” changed to “waiting” (in waiting for the cups)
Page 85, “consumme” changed to “consommé” (bouillon or consommé)
Page 85, “befor” changed to “before” (upon the table before)
Page 96, “intellegent” changed to “intelligent” (an intelligent,
ladylike woman)
Page 98, “noticable” changed to “noticeable” (formality, more
noticeable)
Page 100, “couse” changed to “course” (Of course one would)
Page 104, “other” changed to “others” (to others as ye would)
Page 113, “humam” changed to “human” (of human life, let)
Page 116, “humilated” changed to “humiliated” (writer will be
humiliated)
Page 121, “ean” changed to “can” (who can advise one)
Page 124, “XII” changed to “XI” (CHAPTER XI)
Page 126, “justisy” changed to “justify” (will justify an abrupt)
Page 131, “christian” changed to “Christian” (by his Christian name)
Page 134, “enteres” changed to “enters” (and, as she enters the)
Page 136, “diliberately” changed to “deliberately” (a girl to
deliberately)
End of Project Gutenberg's Practical Etiquette, by Cora C. (N. C.) Klein