GENERAL HINTS 124
INTRODUCTION.
“True politeness is to do and say
The kindest thing in the kindest way.”
If civil law is the outgrowth of regard for other people’s rights,
social law is equally the outgrowth of regard for other people’s
feelings and convenience. Social law is kindness and good-will and the
desire to be agreeable codified. A system of so much importance cannot
be unworthy of consideration.
The very essence of good manners is self-possession, and
self-possession is another name for self-forgetfulness. Gentility is
neither in birth, manner, nor fashion, but in the mind. A high sense
of honor, a determination never to take a mean advantage of another,
and an adherence to truth, delicacy, and politeness towards those
with whom one may have dealings, are the essential and distinguishing
characteristics of a gentleman.
Quietness in all things is an essential element to a well-bred person.
He shuns all outward display of his personality; he cares not to be
seen or heard; he eschews noisy and grandiloquent talk; he avoids
showy and noticeable costumes. His voice is low; his words simple; and
his actions grave. He holds himself habitually under restraint; his
words never seem to vibrate with emotion.
Habits are said to be good or bad as the result of actions that are
right or wrong. A man of good habits is one who has for so long a time
practiced right thinking, speaking, and doing, that he acts properly
from force of habit.
Good manners are not to be put on for particular occasions, like fine
clothes, but they should be one’s second nature. The simpler and more
easy and unconstrained one’s manners, the more he will impress people
with his good breeding. Affectation is one of the brazen marks of
vulgarity.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER I.
INTRODUCTIONS, CALLS, CARDS, VISITING.
“A beautiful behavior gives a higher pleasure than
statues or pictures; it is the finest of the fine
arts.”—_Emerson._
INTRODUCTIONS.
In introducing persons, one should be careful to pronounce each name
distinctly.
When either name is not perfectly understood, a repetition of it should
be requested of the person making the introduction. When introductions
are given, it is the man who should be presented to the woman; when two
women are introduced, it is the younger who is presented to the elder.
For example, in presenting Mr. Jones to Mrs. Smith, it is Mrs. Smith’s
name that is first mentioned. The word “introduce” is preferred to
“present.” Informal introductions are given by merely mentioning the
names; as, “Mrs. Smith, Mr. Jones,” and this is ordinarily sufficient.
In introducing two sisters, the elder is “Miss Smith” and the younger
“Miss Virginia Smith.”
When two women are introduced to each other, it is not necessary for
either to rise; a bow and a smile from each is sufficient.
A woman does not rise when a man is presented to her, unless he is
very old or is a person of great importance. Upon being introduced, a
married woman may offer her hand to a man but it is not customary for a
young woman to do so.
It is the duty of a man who attends a private entertainment, to have
himself presented to every member of the family whom he does not know.
An introduction in the street car is very bad form.
One should never forget that it is difficult, almost impossible, for
some people to remember names and faces, and that such people actually
suffer from their inability to recognize and call by name persons to
whom they may have been introduced recently.
It is not uncommon to see one approach such a person, offer her hand,
and say, if there is not an immediate recognition, “I am afraid you
do not remember me,” while the person approached stands in agony, and
gradually makes an apology for her poor memory, and asks the name.
One who is truly polite, who is at all thoughtful for another person’s
feelings, would not be the cause of such a scene. She would prevent it
by saying: “I am Mrs. Smith. I had the pleasure of meeting you at Mrs.
Brown’s luncheon last Thursday;” or something of the kind.
Whenever one has reason to think his name or face may have been
forgotten, he should make himself known, in approaching another person,
by giving his name at least.
CALLS.
A first call ought to be returned within a very short time.
A lady when receiving rises as her callers enter, and they immediately
advance to pay their respects to her before speaking to others.
A man takes any vacant chair, without troubling the hostess to look
after him.
A man rises when women with whom he is talking rise to take their
leave. Women calling do not rise unless those who are leaving are
friends older than themselves.
When taking leave, one ought to choose a moment when there is a lull in
the conversation, and then take leave of the hostess, letting one bow
include the others in the room.
One month after the birth of a child, a call of congratulation is made
by acquaintances.
A call of condolence is made within ten days after the death, if the
caller is on intimate terms with the family, or within a month if
otherwise.
Calls of congratulation are due to the newly married, and to the
parents who gave the invitations to the marriage.
A man invited by a woman to call upon her, cannot, without great
discourtesy, neglect to pay the call within a week.
A lady will never keep a caller waiting, without sending word that she
will be in immediately.
One ought always to return a call, but if the acquaintance is not
desirable, the first call may be the last.
Some women only rise when their callers leave, others accompany them as
far as the drawing-room door; but it is always polite for a hostess to
accompany her visitors to the front door when they take their leave,
if there is not a servant on hand to open the door for them. The best
bred hostesses even go so far as to accompany their callers to the
elevator in a hotel or an apartment-house. Of course, if one has more
than one caller at a time, it would be discourteous to leave the others
to accompany one to the door; but, otherwise, it is rude to permit a
friend to go to the door alone, and get out as best she may.
A bride who is “At Home after November first,” should make a point of
literally staying at home for an hour or two every afternoon during
the month of November and the early part of December. She should be
dressed to receive callers, and should have some dainty refreshments
ready to serve,—tea and sandwiches or cake. After the first week of
December the bride may begin to return her calls, calling first on
those who first called upon her, and so on.
When the “at home” is a large and formal function, with engraved
invitations and all the accessories of hired waiters, an elaborate
repast, floral decorations, etc.,—such as a debutante’s coming out, a
wedding reception, or a reception to celebrate a wedding anniversary,
and other large entertainments of this order,—an after-call is
obligatory. But an ordinary “at home” does not demand another call,
for instance, the reception or “days” a bride has on her return from
her wedding trip, or when she is settled in her new home; or a tea or
“days” for which a hostess informally sends the invitations written or
engraved on her visiting cards, and receives with little ceremony and
serves only a modest menu. On the contrary, the hostess owes a return
call to all who attend; and only those who were invited, but were
unable to be present, are in debt to her.
The length of time proper for one to stay at an “at home” depends
on circumstances. It is always a compliment to one’s hostess to
make a long visit at “a day”, for it implies that one is having a
pleasant time; but nobody should stay long enough to be a burden on
the hostess’s hospitality, or to detain her from her other guests. If
one finds that she does not know any one present, or if she is not
introduced to a congenial person with whom she can have a pleasant
chat, it would be wise for her to leave after a conventional ten or
fifteen minutes’ call.
The calling code demands that soon after a second caller is announced,
the caller who was first present shall take leave of the hostess. The
reason for this rule is obvious: visitor number one has already had
a little time of uninterrupted _tête-à-tête_ with the hostess before
visitor number two appeared, and he or she should generously retire
first, so that visitor number two may have the same privilege. But
while this is the law, it depends somewhat on circumstances whether it
is always carried out. If the first caller is an intimate friend of
the hostess, and has come to have a long informal talk with her, and
the second caller is merely a formal visitor whose obvious intention
is to make a ceremonious visit, then the first comer may, with perfect
propriety, outstay the other; or if the hostess has particularly asked
the former to remain until after the latter goes, he may do so, and, of
course, if the first visitor has come for some special reason, and the
visitor who is announced later interrupts an important conversation,
which, for business or other reasons, should be continued, the former
is naturally justified in transgressing the calling code. All things
being equal, however, it is the place of the first comer to be the
first goer; and one must have a very good excuse for outstaying a
caller who comes later.
Guests who are invited to attend one large reception which is given for
the express purpose of introducing a young woman into society, should
make a call after the reception, but if the _débutante_ is introduced
at a series of “days,” the callers need call but once, on one of the
“days.”
An invitation to any kind of “day” or reception demands a card from
a person who is unable to attend the function; and the card should
be sent on the day of the reception, even if the invitation to the
function has been already answered, and even if an after-call is in
order.
When one calls on an acquaintance who is staying with a relative, the
caller should ask for the latter (the hostess), even if she does not
know her, and she should leave one of her own and one of her husband’s
cards for her, as well as one of each for her friend. It is not
obligatory to leave two of her husband’s cards for each woman. Even
in the most formal visiting, it is optional whether one leaves one or
two cards. Probably the hostess will excuse herself altogether; but the
caller must show her the courtesy of asking for her.
In making a call it is proper to give one’s card to the servant who
opens the door, if it is not a regular reception day; but on such an
occasion the card should be left either in the dressing-room or on the
hall table in passing out.
In making a formal call ten minutes is quite long enough to stay.
When one is returning visits and driving, it would be in very bad taste
to have the coachman get off his box and take the card to the door. It
is the woman’s place to deliver her card in person, unless she has a
footman to attend to it for her.
In making an evening call a man should appear about half-past eight,
and remain an hour. Even if his visit is to the daughter, he should ask
for her mother.
It is quite proper, when making calls with a friend, for one to write
her name in pencil on her friend’s card, if she has no card of her own
with her.
Those women whose households are most modest find that the day “at
home” is a great convenience, since, having a special time for
receiving one’s friends, all necessary arrangements can be made
beforehand, and no embarrassing situations are apt to occur.
When one calls on a friend who lives in a flat, she should, immediately
after ringing, call through the tube her name and that of the person
she wishes to see.
A man leaves his overcoat, hat, and stick in the hall when making an
evening call; when calling in the afternoon he leaves his overcoat in
the hall, but carries his hat and stick into the drawing-room with him.
When a daughter is in the parlor, and her mother is entertaining
callers, she should rise when her mother does in bidding them good-day.
It is very improper for a young girl who is ill to receive men callers
in her room.
CARDS.
When an invitation to a reception is sent in the name of several
women, a guest should leave or send cards for all whose names are on
the invitation. A woman leaves with her own cards the cards of those
members of her family who are unable to call.
A young woman, when calling upon her friends with a young man who is a
stranger to them, should send his card with her own to the hostess and
other women of the household.
In making formal calls a visitor invariably hands her cards to the
servant who opens the door with a card tray in her hand; when calling
informally one may simply give her name to the servant at the door, but
then leaves no card later.
A married woman, when making formal calls, leaves one of her husband’s
and one of her own cards for the hostess and for every other woman she
asks for in the house, and one of her husband’s cards, besides, for
the host; but, while this is the rule for formal visiting, it is quite
permissible for a married woman, when calling on a number of women who
reside in the same house, to leave, besides her own and her husband’s
for the host and hostess, only one more of each for all the others.
In making formal visits, and subsequent calls after the first formal
visit has been made, a married woman need leave only one of her
husband’s cards with her own; and in making a call in acknowledgment of
an invitation to an entertainment to which she alone was invited,—such
as a woman’s luncheon,—she should leave only one of her own.
The fashionable visiting card varies in size; but for a married woman
it is generally pure white and very thin, with the name engraved in
ordinary script. For a woman who lives in the country, it is in good
taste to have the name of her country place put just where, if she were
in the city, her town address would be, which is in the left hand lower
corner.
If a woman receives “at home” cards for “Tuesdays in February,” and is
prevented from calling on any of the Tuesdays, she should send her card
in an envelope, either by hand or mail, on the first Tuesday, and call
on the hostess at the earliest opportunity on some other day.
A man should use a card engraved, as “Mr. George Wellington Smith,” not
omitting the prefix, with the address in one corner, if desired. The
size of the card varies from time to time, but it is smaller than a
woman’s card.
The names of mother and daughter or daughters are often engraved on one
card; as,
.................................
. .
. MRS. JUDSON BROWN. .
. MISS ANNA BROWN. .
. .
.................................
...........................
. .
. MRS. JUDSON BROWN. .
. THE MISSES BROWN. .
. .
...........................
The following is the usual form for an unmarried woman’s card:
...........................
. .
. MISS MAY BROWN, .
. .
. 12 PINE ST. .
...........................
It is quite proper for a woman to retain her deceased husband’s name on
her visiting cards; as, “Mrs. John Smith.” It is equally proper for her
to use “Mrs. Jane Smith” for the purpose.
When a caller is met by the hostess at the door, she should drop her
card in the card receiver or leave it on the hall table on her way out.
The object of such a card is not to introduce people when visiting, but
as a reminder of the visit.
“P. P. C.” cards should be left on the occasion of a long absence (of
over three months); on leaving town at the close of the season; on
leaving a neighborhood where one has resided for years, or where one
has resided for months and sometimes only for weeks, but not when
changing houses in the same neighborhood, not even when about to be
married, unless one’s future home is to be in another city. The words
_pour prendre congé_ signify to take leave.
“R. S. V. P.” means “_Repondez s’il vous plait_,” which is the French
for “Answer, if you please.”
Turning down the corner of a visiting card, meaning that the call was
made in person, is no longer in vogue. One might leave her card in
person, writing on it “With kind inquiries,” when sickness or death has
entered the household of a friend, and thus show a delicate courtesy.
It is proper for a hostess to shake hands with a man visitor on his
arrival and at his departure.
It is an evidence of very bad taste for a young woman to send wedding
cards to a married man without including his wife’s name, even if she
has no acquaintance whatever with her.
A young girl who is not “out” does not have visiting cards. If she is
the oldest or only daughter and is in society, her cards have upon them
“Miss Smith.”
A woman should never ask a man formally calling to take his hat, or a
woman to lay aside her wraps.
A card sent to an afternoon reception represents one’s self. It should
be sent either by mail or messenger, and never by a friend to deposit
upon the receiver with her own card.
VISITING.
A guest should always ascertain what are the usual hours of rising,
taking meals, and retiring, and then conform scrupulously to them.
Guests should give as little trouble as possible, and never apologize
for the extra trouble their visit necessarily occasions.
If a ride, drive, or walk is proposed by one of the family
entertaining, a guest should acquiesce as far as her strength will
allow, and do all in her power to seem pleased by the efforts made for
her entertainment.
Upon taking one’s departure, it is expected—and reasonably, too—that
some acknowledgment be made of the pleasure that has been afforded one.
It is also proper upon returning home to inform the friends just left
of one’s safe arrival.
CHAPTER II.
NOTES OF INVITATION, ANNOUNCEMENT CARDS, WEDDING INVITATIONS,
ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS, LETTERS, LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.
“Politeness is one of those advantages which we never
estimate rightly, but by the inconvenience of its
loss.”—_Samuel Johnson._
NOTES OF INVITATION.
Notes of invitation for evening parties are issued in the name of the
lady of the house; as,
_Mrs. James Little requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. George White’s
company on Monday evening, March seventeenth, from nine to twelve
o’clock._[A]
The expression “presents compliments” is obsolete, as is also the
term “polite,” which was formerly used in acceptances or regrets. The
English form of “kind” or “very kind” is now substituted in its place.
A very acceptable form of invitation for a mother (if the mother is not
living, the father’s name may be so used) and daughter is this:
_Mrs. and Miss Graves at Home, Thursday, October twenty-seventh, from
eight to eleven o’clock._
When a very large dinner party is to be given, the invitations should
be issued at least two weeks in advance; and if some very celebrated
people are to be invited, twenty-one days should elapse between sending
out the invitations and the day of the function. For a small affair ten
days’ notice is sufficient. Invitations to large teas should be sent
out fourteen days in advance, but for small ones a week’s notice is
sufficient.
In answering an invitation sent out in the name of both mother and
daughter, one should address the mother.
When sending out invitations to evening parties, it is customary to
denote the amusement feature, if there is to be one, by naming it
in the lower left hand corner; as, “Dancing,” or “Cards,” or “Fancy
dress and masks.” The hour is designated thus: “Dancing after nine,”
or “German at eight o’clock,” or “Supper at half after seven,” and
underneath “Dancing.” Sometimes a separate card is enclosed, reading
“Dancing at nine o’clock.”
_Mrs. George Brown requests the pleasure of Miss Lee’s
company on Tuesday evening, January seventh, at nine
o’clock._
_Dancing._ _221 Thirty-fifth Street._
The correct form of invitation for an entertainment where an
elocutionist is to be the principal feature is worded as follows:
_Mrs. James Smith requests the pleasure of Mr. and
Mrs. Brown’s company on Thursday evening, December the
first, at eight o’clock._
_124 Jewell Avenue._
_Reading by Professor William White._
An invitation to a rose or lawn party might read thus:
MRS. JAMES SMITH.
THE MISSES SMITH.
AT HOME
TUESDAY EVENING, JUNE THE TWENTY-EIGHTH,
AT EIGHT O’CLOCK.
ROSE PARTY TO MEET
212 SHERIDAN AVENUE. THE MISSES WHITE.
In writing invitations for a club for which one is acting as secretary
it would be wise to put them in the third person, and then there would
be no embarrassment about the arrangement of names.
The words “reception” and “at home” are synonymous. Each means an
entertainment which takes place between certain stated hours in the
afternoon or evening, where refreshments are served, and no especial
order of amusement is provided, unless it is specified in the
invitations. To a “reception” or “at home” the hostess generally sends
invitations to all on her calling list. These large functions are
usually given for some especial purpose; as, to introduce a _débutante_
into society, to celebrate a wedding anniversary, or for the bride and
groom after the wedding ceremony, or merely that the hostess may meet
all her friends.
There is, however, a decided distinction between a reception or an “at
home” and a tea or “days.” An invitation to the first is engraved on a
sheet of note paper or a large sized card, and is formally worded. The
hours for the afternoon function are usually from four until seven,
and one may expect to find at the house or place of entertainment
decorations of flowers and greens, and quite an elaborate repast
provided; but an invitation to a tea or to “days” does not imply that
anything but the simplest kind of menu will be served, nor that any
but simple preparations will be made. The invitations to the latter
entertainments may be the hostess’s visiting cards with the address
and “tea at four o’clock” written in one corner; or if the hostess
prefers to receive informally on more than one day, she may have the
form “Fridays,” or “Fridays in February,” or “First and third Fridays
in February,” or whatever days she chooses, written or engraved on her
cards.
The formal luncheon hour is from one to two o’clock. Afternoon teas are
usually at five. One’s visiting card can be used only for an invitation
for an afternoon “at home;” invitations to dinner or luncheon must be
written out. In sending out cards for a tea one should simply write the
date and the hour in the lower left-hand corner; in sending a note,
whether by messenger or post, the number of the house and the name of
the street should be written out in full.
The following is a good form of invitation to an “at home” given by
several women:
MRS. JAMES SMITH
MRS. CHARLES WHITE
MRS. FREDERICK BROWN
AT HOME
SATURDAY, APRIL THE SIXTEENTH
AT FOUR O’CLOCK
112 MADISON STREET
The usual form of an invitation to a luncheon is as follows:
MRS. JAMES BROWN
REQUESTS THE PLEASURE OF YOUR COMPANY
AT LUNCHEON
ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL THE SIXTH,
AT ONE O’CLOCK.
Below this and to the right would be the address, and the date on which
the invitation is written.
The invitation for a musical may be worded as follows:
_Mrs. James Smith requests the pleasure of Miss Brown’s
company on Friday afternoon, March seventeenth, at two
o’clock._
_Music._
_R.S.V.P._ _24 Queen Avenue._
ANNOUNCEMENT CARDS.
The simplest way to announce an engagement is for each of the engaged
couple to write short notes of announcement on the same day to each
one’s relatives and near friends. All these notes are sent so that they
will be received at the same time. They are written in the first person
on dainty note paper, and the best form is the simplest. The character
of the note must depend on the intimacy between the writer and the
recipient.
A pretty and fashionable sequence to the announcement is for the bride
to give a tea for the express purpose of receiving congratulations.
She may mention it in her notes of announcement, and her _fiancé_ may
mention in his notes that she will be at home on a certain day at a
certain hour. She should then receive with her mother or some older
relative, and she should have some light refreshment provided for her
callers. All her young friends will call, and all the relatives and
near friends of her _fiancé_. The _fiancé_ should be present at the
tea, or he may come before it is over, but he should not formally
receive with his betrothed.
Engagements are often announced in the newspapers.
Wedding announcements or invitations should be sent in envelopes
addressed to the father and mother of the family, to the daughter or
daughters (addressed as the Misses), and to each of the grown sons.
All these invitations in their envelopes may be enclosed in an outside
envelope addressed to the parents.
A wedding invitation or announcement card should always be addressed to
both members of a married couple, even if the bride or groom who sends
it is acquainted with only one.
The correct form for wedding announcement cards is as follows:
MR. AND MRS. JOHN SMITH
ANNOUNCE THE MARRIAGE OF THEIR DAUGHTER,
ANNA
TO
MR. FRANK BROWN
ON SATURDAY, OCTOBER THE TWENTY-SECOND,
EIGHTEEN HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE.
WASHINGTON, D. C.
The bride’s “at home” cards should be separate, but enclosed with the
announcements, and should read as follows:
AT HOME
TUESDAY AFTERNOONS IN JANUARY.
125 WEST FIFTEENTH STREET,
NEW YORK CITY.
Announcement cards should be sent out immediately after the wedding
to every one on the bride’s and groom’s list. And, again, wedding
announcement cards need not be sent out in any one’s name. The
following is an example:
MARRIED
ON WEDNESDAY, JANUARY THE EIGHTEENTH,
EIGHTEEN HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE
AT ST. THOMAS’ CHURCH
NEW YORK,
MARGARET BAKER WHITE
TO
WILLIAM BARTON.
When a bride is an orphan it is customary for the cards announcing her
wedding to be sent in the name of one of her near relatives, or else
they may read simply like the one given above.
Wedding announcement cards demand no acknowledgment from an
acquaintance of the bride who lives at a distance, unless a “day” or
“days” are mentioned on them, when it is obligatory to send visiting
cards on the “day” or the first one of the “days;” otherwise, if one
wishes to be particularly polite, one may send a visiting-card in
acknowledgment of the announcement, but it is not obligatory to do so.
Wedding announcements are sent to friends at home as well as to
those abroad, because the cards are supposed, not only to suggest
remembrance, but to express a desire that the acquaintance should be
continued after the name is changed.
The birth of a baby is announced in various ways, there being no
especial rules of etiquette for making the announcement. Sometimes
engraved cards bearing the baby’s name and date of birth are sent by
themselves in small envelopes, into which they fit exactly; sometimes
they go in an envelope with the mother’s visiting-card, and are written
instead of engraved. These cards should be attached to the mother’s
visiting cards by a piece of white baby ribbon, which is passed
through a hole made in the top of both cards and tied in a tiny bow.
They should be sent out when the mother is ready to receive calls.
WEDDING INVITATIONS.
Wedding invitations should be issued at least two weeks before the day
of the affair.
It is customary for the bridegroom to give to the bride’s mother a list
of his relatives and friends to whom he would like cards sent, and some
member of the bride’s family attends to it.
When the guests at a wedding are limited to the immediate family, the
invitations may be personal notes sent by the bride’s mother. The notes
may read like the following:
_My Dear Mary,—It will give us all much pleasure if
you will come to the very quiet wedding of my daughter
Catherine to Mr. John Martin, on Saturday, February the
fourth, at twelve o’clock, and remain to the little
breakfast that will follow the ceremony. Only the
members of the family will be present. Hoping that you
may be with us the fourth, I am,_
_Affectionately yours,
Anna Brown._
A formal invitation may read as follows:
MR. AND MRS. JAMES M. MOORE
REQUEST THE PLEASURE OF YOUR PRESENCE AT
THE MARRIAGE OF THEIR DAUGHTER
ALICE
TO
CHARLES ALBERT SMITH,
THURSDAY EVENING, AUGUST TWENTY-FOURTH,
AT EIGHT O’CLOCK,
121 SEVENTH STREET EAST,
DAVENPORT, IOWA,
1899.
Another form is as follows:
MR. AND MRS. JOHN BROWN
REQUEST THE PLEASURE OF YOUR PRESENCE
AT THE
MARRIAGE BREAKFAST OF THEIR DAUGHTER
MARY LOUISE
AND
MR. CHARLES ALBERT SMITH,
ON THURSDAY, OCTOBER THE SIXTH,
FROM ONE UNTIL THREE O’CLOCK.
15 PROSPECT STREET.
If the bride is an orphan, or if there is any very good reason why her
parents’ names should not appear on the invitation, the latter may be
sent in the name of the married brother and his wife, or in the name of
whoever gives the bride the wedding reception. It may read as follows:
MR. AND MRS. CHARLES SMITH
REQUEST THE HONOR OF YOUR PRESENCE
AT THE MARRIAGE OF THEIR SISTER
BERTHA WILD
TO
MR. JAMES MONTGOMERY BROWN,
ON WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER THE TWELFTH,
AT EIGHT O’CLOCK.
2400 FIFTH STREET SOUTH.
The following is a suitable form for an invitation for a silver wedding:
TWENTY-FIFTH ANNIVERSARY.
MR. AND MRS. JOHN H. SMITH
AT HOME
SATURDAY EV’G, DECEMBER TWENTY-SEVENTH,
EIGHTEEN HUNDRED NINETY NINE,
FROM EIGHT TO ELEVEN O’CLOCK.
ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS.
It is considered very rude not to reply to an invitation immediately,
either by note of acceptance or regret.
In writing acceptances one should never use “will accept” for
“accepts,” or “to dinner” instead of “for dinner” or “to dine.”
In accepting a dinner invitation one should repeat the hour named in
order that, if any mistake has been made, it may be corrected.
An acceptance may be written as follows:
_Mr. and Mrs. Frank Warren accept with pleasure Mrs. John Somers’ kind
invitation for Monday evening, October seventh._
The following is a good form for a note of regret:
_Mr. and Mrs. James Swift regret that, owing to sickness, they are
unable to accept Mrs. Frank Hall’s kind invitation for Monday evening,
March 16th._
In writing regrets, when it is possible to do so, one should give the
reason for not accepting an invitation.
The best bred people agree that an invitation to a wedding reception
or a wedding breakfast demands a response, whether or not a response
is requested. But it is another question when one receives only an
invitation to a church ceremony, or merely an announcement card with
no “at home” card enclosed, and does not know the bride and groom well
enough to call. If the cards are sent merely as a matter of courtesy
because of business relations or on account of a former intimacy in the
families, a call does not seem necessary. In such cases one must judge
more or less for herself, and do what seems natural. If one lives in a
small place and the bride comes there as a stranger, it is generally
the best way to call, whatever be the form of the cards received.
Formal invitations to a church wedding do not demand an answer, unless
one is requested, until the day of the ceremony, when those unable to
attend acknowledge the invitation with visiting cards addressed to the
father and mother of the bride, or to whoever sends out the invitations
for the wedding. Invitations to a wedding reception and a bride’s “At
Home” demand no other acknowledgment than visiting cards sent on the
day of the function by those unable to attend. A formal invitation to
a house wedding demands the same acknowledgment as an invitation to a
church wedding.
In acknowledging an invitation to a wedding, a single woman sends
one of her visiting cards in an envelope addressed to the mother and
father of the bride on the day of the wedding. A single man sends two
of his cards, and a married couple send one of the wife’s and two of
the husband’s cards. To the bride on her “At Home” day, cards should be
sent in exactly the same way. A wedding reception, if it takes place in
the evening, demands full dress.
It is very courteous to acknowledge the reception of a “commencement”
invitation.
It is very bad form to write “Congratulations” on one’s visiting card
and send it in answer to a wedding invitation. If one desires to send
her good wishes to the bride, then a personal note would be proper.
It is also bad form to send a visiting card with “Regrets” written in
one corner instead of writing the proper note.
If, having accepted an invitation, one changes her mind, she certainly
ought to give some reason when writing a note of apology.
LETTERS.
In writing letters and notes of invitation, acceptance, regrets, or
introduction, certain and specific rules of etiquette, ordained by
custom, hold despotic sway; and unless one is acquainted with these, he
must be considered by those who are, as more or less uncultivated.
In addressing an envelope one surely ought to know that the first line
of the address should be at or below the middle of the envelope, and
the address should be written in a plain hand devoid of flourishes. The
place for the stamp is always the upper right-hand corner.
In no way is one’s culture sooner made known than by his manner of
writing a note or letter.
In a formal business letter or in one commencing “Dear Sir” or “Dear
Madam,” the name of the person addressed is put at the end of the
letter in the left-hand corner, but it should not be repeated, if it is
used at the head of the letter.
The writing of notes in the third person is now confined to notes of
invitations, acceptance, and regret.
Nothing would show greater ignorance than signing one’s name to a note
written in the third person.
In addressing a clergyman it is customary to commence with “Reverend
Sir.” Doctors of Divinity and of Medicine are thus distinguished: “The
Rev. James Swift, D. D.,” or “Rev. Dr. Swift;” “I. G. Latham, M. D.,”
or “Dr. Latham.”
In writing to servants, it is customary to begin thus: “To Mary
Bates,—Mrs. White wishes, etc.”
When a woman is writing to strangers who will not know whether to
address her in reply as “Mrs.” or “Miss,” the address of the writer
should be given in full, after signing her letter, as, “Mrs. Jane
Smith,” followed by the direction; or, if unmarried, the “Miss” should
be placed in marks of parenthesis preceding the signature. One should
never sign her name as “Mrs.” or “Miss.”
The formal manner of address in a note or letter written in the
first person, is, “My Dear Mrs. Brown;” the less formal is “Dear
Mrs. Brown.” To an intimate friend one may use either. “Dear Mary”
is less formal than “My Dear Mary,” and yet to one who is near,
the real significance of the latter form is very sweet and full of
tender meaning. However, there are no rigid laws to regulate the
correspondence of friends.
When a woman writes a personal note to a man, no matter how slight her
acquaintance may be with him, it should begin “My Dear Mr. Brown.”
Ordinary social correspondence, when forwarded by the hand of an adult
socially equal with the sender, should not be sealed. If, for some
reason, a letter must be sealed, then the post or some other method of
letter conveyance should be used.
The form “Addressed” on an envelope is merely the relic of an old legal
form that has no especial significance nowadays, but is put on the
envelope as a matter of courtesy. It means that the contents of the
envelope are for the person whose name is written on the outside. It is
very seldom used, and is quite superfluous.
Only letters of unmarried women and widows are addressed with their
baptismal names. All letters of married women should bear their
husband’s names; as, “Mrs. John Howe.”
Writing on the first, then on the third, then crosswise on the second
and fourth pages of a letter, facilitates the reading and is in
perfectly good form.
It is very bad taste for a doctor’s wife to assume his title. An
invitation addressed to them should read “Dr. and Mrs. Jones.”
One should not write “Mrs. John Brown, _née_ Lottie Smith,” because one
is not born with a Christian name; instead, one would write “Mrs. John
Brown, _née_ Smith.”
The use of perfumed stationery is not general, nor is it in good taste.
Any letter of congratulation received, even though it be from a person
with whom one has only a slight acquaintance, requires an answer.
No matter how fond a young girl may feel of a man whom she has known
for years, any letters, when trouble comes to his family, should be
addressed to his wife and not to him.
The fashion that obtains with reference to placing the date on a letter
is to place it in the upper right-hand corner; on a note it is usually
placed in the lower left-hand corner.
A young girl who receives letters from a man at the post-office without
the knowledge of her mother is doing something wrong, which in time
she will certainly regret, and which, it is equally certain, will
result in trouble.
It is not in the best taste to write letters of friendship on the
typewriter, but it will always be excused in the busy woman.
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.
Letters of introduction are to be regarded as certificates of
respectability and esteem, and should only be given by friends of the
person introduced and to friends. They should be brief and carefully
worded, intimating the mutual pleasure that one feels the acquaintance
will confer, but not complimenting the bearer so openly that he will
feel embarrassed in delivering the letter. Such letters are left
unsealed.
There is no greater insult than to treat a letter of introduction with
indifference. A person thus introduced ought to be called upon at once,
and shown any other little attention within one’s power. In England
letters of introduction are called “tickets to soup.”
In England the party holding a letter of introduction never takes it
himself, but sends it with his card. On the Continent the reverse is
the fashion. In America the English custom prevails, though where a
young man has a letter to one many years his senior or to one who is
to aid him in some enterprise, he takes it himself at once.
A letter of introduction should be somewhat like the following:
_My Dear Mr. Barnes:_
_This note will introduce to you my friend, Mr. Charles
Smith, whom I know you will be as glad to meet as he
will be glad to meet you._
_Mr. Smith is an old friend of mine, and any kindness
you may be able to show him will be very much
appreciated by me._
_Faithfully yours,_
_Anna Martin White._
Before giving a letter of introduction one should be certain that the
persons introduced will be congenial to each other. Such a letter
puts a certain obligation on the person to whom it is addressed: he
will be obliged to show the bearer some attention and hospitality. It
is, therefore, not right to make the demand of a friend unless one is
certain that the acquaintanceship will compensate him for the trouble
he may take.
FOOTNOTES:
[Footnote A: It is now quite common to omit marks of punctuation at the
end of lines in an invitation.]
CHAPTER III.
DINNERS, LUNCHEONS, BREAKFASTS, TEAS, RECEPTIONS, DANCING PARTIES,
CARDS, PARTIES, WEDDINGS, WEDDING GIFTS, WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES.
“Manners aim to facilitate life, to get rid of
impediments.”
DINNERS.[B]
A “dinner” is supposed to be an elaborate affair, with numerous courses
and ample service, and is usually given at seven or eight o’clock
in the evening. At a dinner the number of courses naturally varies
according to the taste and financial condition of the hostess. (For
arrangement of the table, see Chapter VI.)
For a formal dinner the courses usually consist of soup, fish, a roast
with one or more vegetables, a salad, an ice or ice cream, cakes,
bonbons, and black coffee. Olives and salted almonds, jellies, etc.,
generally appear in some of the courses.
Although the following really belongs under the head of “The Table” and
“Service at Table,” a repetition here may not come amiss.
The attendant places each dish, in succession, before the host or
hostess with the pile of plates. Each plate is supplied, taken by the
attendant on a small salver, and set, from the left, before the guest.
A second dish which belongs to the course is presented at the left of
the guest, who helps himself. As a rule the woman at the right of the
host, or the eldest woman, should be served first. As soon as a course
is finished, the plates are promptly removed, and the next course is
served in the same way. Before the dessert is brought on, all crumbs
should be brushed from the cloth. The finger bowls, which are brought
in on a napkin on a dessert-plate and set at the left of the plate, are
used by dipping the fingers in lightly and drying them on the napkin.
They should be half full of warm water with a bit of lemon floating in
it. When all have finished dessert, the hostess gives the signal, by
pushing back her chair, that dinner is ended, and the guests repair to
the drawing-room, the oldest leading and the youngest following last,
the men passing into the library or smoking-room.
Seemingly, one should arrive at the house where one is invited to a
dinner or a luncheon at exactly the hour mentioned in the invitation;
but the proper thing at a formal function is to get to the house
ten minutes after the hour of the meal, and to be announced in the
drawing-room five minutes later.
The host, with the guest of honor, leads the way into the dining-room
at a dinner; at a luncheon the hostess leads the way alone or with one
of the guests.
Fifteen minutes is the longest time required to wait for a tardy guest
when the dinner hour was understood, as it always should be.
If the hostess thinks the visitor has no acquaintances in the room,
she introduces her to two or three persons who are near her, and then,
counting on her knowledge of the customs of society, she will feel
quite sure that her guest will enjoy herself.
A hostess should never reprove a servant before a guest, as it is
unpleasant for all concerned, and by passing over the annoyance
herself, it may escape the attention of others.
No accident must seem to disturb a hostess, no disappointment embarrass
her.
At formal dinner parties the servant who is detailed to attend
to the wants of the men guests hands each one, as he leaves the
dressing-room, an envelope containing a card bearing the name of the
woman whom he is to take to dinner.
LUNCHEONS.
Luncheons are usually given between the hours of one and two o’clock in
the afternoon, and to them women only are invited. The menu is lighter
than for a dinner, and generally consists of sherbets, oyster patties,
scalloped oysters, sweet-breads, sandwiches, salads, ices, cheese
sticks, fruit, ice cream, cakes, bonbons, salted almonds, olives, and
black coffee, served in such number and order of courses as best suits
the hostess.
BREAKFASTS.
The difference between a breakfast and a luncheon is very slight. On
the invitation the word breakfast is used instead of luncheon, and
the hour is earlier than for a luncheon. Also men and woman may meet
together for a breakfast, and therefore a few more solid courses
are advisable. Otherwise one may be guided entirely in giving the
entertainment by the rules which apply to a luncheon.
TEAS.
A tea is the simplest and easiest kind of an entertainment to give, for
the only essential requisites for its success are prettily arranged
receiving-rooms, with as many flowers as one can afford; a gracious
hostess, who stands during the hours of the function to receive her
guests and is properly dressed in a becoming high-necked house dress;
a few other women, who also receive in pretty dresses; and a dainty
tea table, which may be presided over by a woman friend or two of the
hostess. It is only necessary to serve a modest menu of tea, chocolate
or bouillon, assorted sandwiches, fancy cakes, and bonbons. The other
factors to the tea’s success are pleasant weather and well trained
servants, who may assist in serving the tea and are alert to open and
close the door for the guests.
At a formal function of any kind the guests leave their wraps in
dressing-rooms, where one or more maids should be on hand to assist
women in their dressing-room, and a man to perform the same services
in the men’s dressing-room; but at a small tea, where, as a rule, the
guests do not remove their street wraps, it is only necessary to have a
maid in the entrance hall to be ready, if called on, to do any service.
It is not customary to offer refreshments to casual evening callers;
but if one has a regular evening for receiving, she may have a tea
table in the drawing-room, and serve tea, chocolate, sandwiches, cake,
etc., as in entertaining on the afternoon of a “day.”
RECEPTIONS.
On the day of the reception, the hostess, with her assistants, should
receive the guests, standing at the door of the drawing-room. The
refreshment tables should be spread in the dining-room, and prettily
decorated with flowers, candles in candelabra or candlesticks, dishes
of bonbons and cakes, plates of sandwiches, and platters of salad. A
bouillon urn may stand at one end of the table with cups, and coffee
may be served from the other end. All that is necessary for the menu
is bouillon, easily prepared in the house from canned bouillon,
jellied tongue, chicken salad, and sandwiches, ices and cake, fruit,
and candies. Coffee and lemonade will suffice for beverages. If one
can afford to have a few pieces of music, so much the better. The
musicians should play from some hidden nook. One or two servants in the
dining-room, and one to open and shut the front door, will be all that
is necessary.
DANCING PARTIES.
For the form of invitation refer to Chapter II.
In selecting a company for a dancing party the hostess will naturally
choose only those who dance, and she should see, as far as possible,
that all the women are provided with partners.
It is better to dance first with one acquaintance and then with
another, rather than to make one’s self conspicuous by giving a great
number of dances to one man.
A man gives the first and last dances to his partner of the evening.
No man should invite a young woman to attend a dress affair without
providing a carriage for her. When the party is small and informal, it
is allowable to go on the street-cars.
At the end of the dance, the man should offer his arm to his partner,
and take at least one turn around the room before consigning her to her
seat.
A man who can dance, and will not, ought to remain away from a ball.
If for any reason a girl should refuse to dance with one man, she
should not accept another invitation for the same dance.
An invitation to a ball may be asked for a friend who is a stranger in
town, and has had no opportunity of making the acquaintance of the one
who gives the ball.
A man should not ask a girl, to whom he has been introduced for the
purpose of dancing with her, for more than two dances the same evening.
CARD PARTIES.
If given, prizes should be carefully chosen, so that they may be in
good taste and desirable. The supper should be served at the card
tables after the playing is over. A large napkin should be spread on
the top of each table, and the refreshments served in courses.
WEDDINGS.
For invitation forms see Chapter II.
When a wedding takes place in a church that has but one entrance, the
customary way for the bridal procession to enter is for the groom and
best man to walk in just behind the minister, a little before the
others, and to take their places at the altar; then the ushers enter,
walking two by two; then the bridesmaids in the same order; then the
maid of honor alone; and last the bride on her father’s arm. The
bride’s family enter the church a few minutes before the minister and
the groom and bridal party.
A bride goes up to the altar with her veil over her face, but comes
down with it thrown back. It is the duty of the maid of honor to throw
it back immediately after the ceremony is ended.
When the bride’s mother gives her away at a church ceremony, she
usually walks up the aisle with the bride. After she has given her to
the groom, she steps quietly and unescorted to the front pew, where she
stays during the remainder of the service. The bride may walk up the
aisle with an attendant instead of with her mother, who in this case
steps from her seat in the front pew to the chancel when the time comes
for her to officiate, and steps back to her seat afterwards.
The bride and the groom should stand at the wedding reception until
they have received the congratulations of all present, then, together,
they should walk into the room where the breakfast is to be served. The
others follow as they please, with the exception of the parents on both
sides. The groom’s father usually escorts the bride’s mother, and _vice
versa_.
It is not the custom for a bride to remove her gloves at the wedding.
The inside seam of the ring finger of the glove should be ripped
beforehand; and when the time comes for the ring to be put on, the
bride merely slips off this glove finger, and puts it back again after
the ring is on her finger.
At no wedding service is it proper for the bride to enter the church
alone.
At a church or house wedding where the bride walks up the aisle with
her sister acting as the maid of honor, instead of with a gentleman
escort, she need not take the arm of her attendant, as both the ladies
will look more graceful if walking separately. The maid of honor should
carry a bouquet, and the bride a bouquet, prayer-book, or bible.
At a home wedding the bride enters the room on the arm of her father.
With a short dress she would not wear a veil.
The wearing of gloves at an informal wedding is entirely a matter of
taste. Recently at several large weddings they were omitted by the
entire bridal party.
The prettiest way to make an aisle for the bridal party at a house
wedding is for four children to enter the room where the ceremony will
be, just before the bridal party comes in, and separate the guests
into two groups by stretching two pieces of white ribbon the length
of the room. A child stands at each end of the two pieces of ribbon,
holding it while the bridal party walks up between them, and during the
service. Ushers may hold the ribbons instead of the children, or the
ends may be fastened around plants which are placed at the requisite
points.
Where there is no side door through which the groom and best man may
enter the room at a house wedding, they come in by the principal door
just before the bridal party and just after the minister.
It is not customary for the men at a wedding party to kiss the bride;
that is a liberty taken only by the immediate members of the family.
A bride, if she wishes, may omit the bridal veil, but she should then
wear a dainty bonnet or picture hat. The ushers and best men are
invited by the bridegroom.
If the church wedding is a full dress one, followed by an evening
reception, it is proper to wear an evening gown. If it is in the
daytime, a handsome visiting dress and pretty bonnet are proper.
At a daytime wedding the guests seldom remove their bonnets, although,
of course, heavy wraps are frequently laid aside. At an evening affair
one goes in full dress without anything on one’s head. The ushers
present the guests to the bridal party. The bridesmaids are spoken to
by the people they know, but it is not necessary that they should be
addressed by everybody.
A bride may wear her wedding dress after her wedding day as much
or as little as she chooses. For the sake of sentiment many brides
like to preserve their wedding dresses intact to hand down to future
generations; but a girl who has to consider economy cannot afford to
consider sentiment, and often the wedding dress is converted into a
low dinner and evening gown soon after the wedding day. A bride may,
with perfect propriety, wear her wedding dress to the reception given
her after her wedding by the groom’s mother. Of course, she will wear
it just as it was when she was married, high in the neck, unless the
reception takes place in the evening and demands evening dress, when,
according to the conventions, it must be cut low.
A bridegroom is always expected to furnish the bouquets that the bride,
bridesmaids, and all the bride’s attendants carry at the wedding. He
should learn from the bride the flowers she wishes, and should order
them several days before the wedding, so that they may be ready at the
bride’s house when the bridesmaids meet there to go together to the
church or to the place where the ceremony is held.
Besides furnishing these bouquets, the groom provides the ushers and
best men with their _boutonnières_, and gives them also some small
souvenir, and, if he wishes, a bachelor dinner or supper a day or two
before the wedding.
There are no wedding luncheons nowadays. Every entertainment of the
kind up to two o’clock is called a breakfast, and when it takes place
in the afternoon or evening it is called a reception.
WEDDING GIFTS.
The idea that a wedding invitation necessitates a present has,
sensibly enough, gone out of fashion, and only those who are bound by
ties of blood or close friendship have the privilege of sending a gift
to the bride.
Presents should be sent as soon after receiving the invitations as
possible. All wedding gifts, even from friends of the groom who may
never have met the bride, are sent to the bride; and, if marked, they
should be engraved with the initials or monogram of the bride’s maiden
name, or they may have her name in full.
Wedding presents should be acknowledged by the bride-elect in a short
personal note, which should be written and sent immediately on receipt
of the present.
When several friends combine in giving a present to the bride, she
should write a letter of thanks to each one separately, sending the
letters by post.
It is perfectly proper to open a gift in the presence of the giver, and
express one’s pleasure and gratitude on the spot. Indeed, it is much
better form to do so than to wait until the giver has gone.
WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES.
The paper wedding, so termed, is celebrated one year after marriage.
Invitations should be issued on heavy gray paper or thin card-board.
Presents may consist of any article made of paper or _papier mâché_;
such, for instance, as books, engravings, etc.
The wooden wedding is celebrated five years after marriage. Invitations
may be issued upon wooden cards, or wooden cards may be inclosed with
an invitation written or engraved upon a sheet of wedding note paper.
The presents may be anything made of wood, from a mustard spoon to a
house or set of furniture.
The tin wedding comes ten years after marriage. Invitation cards are
sometimes covered with tin foil, or tin cards are inclosed, or, if
preferred, the invitation is printed on tin bronze paper. Presents
should consist of articles made of tin.
The crystal wedding, fifteen years after marriage, is next in order.
Cards may be issued upon transparent paper, or upon note paper with a
card of isinglass inclosed.
The china wedding takes place twenty years after marriage.
Semi-transparent cardboard will answer for the invitations.
The silver wedding is celebrated on the twenty-fifth anniversary,
and is generally an occasion of much more importance than any of the
foregoing anniversaries. The invitations may be printed on silver
paper, and the presents are, of course, articles of silver.
The golden wedding, celebrated on the fiftieth anniversary of the
marriage, may be said to be the one in which the young do homage to
the old. It should be conducted by the near relatives or friends of
the couple, and the occasion should be made one of retrospect, of
encouragement, and of congratulation. The invitations should be on
white paper in gold letters, and the presents should be of gold.
At each of these anniversaries it is customary to have the marriage
ceremony re-performed, and all arrangements for the celebration are
made in about the same manner as for the first marriage.
[Illustration]
FOOTNOTES:
[Footnote B: In looking up any one point in this book,—as “dinners,”
for instance,—one will be obliged sometimes to refer to more than one
place. Chapter II., under “Notes of Invitation,” and Chapter I., under
its three different heads, contain more or less information concerning
“dinners,” which it seems difficult to classify anymore closely than
has been done.]
CHAPTER IV.
CONVERSATION, CHAPERONAGE, MARRIAGE, DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES.
“Manners are not idle, but are the fruit of noble
natures and of loyal minds.”
CONVERSATION.
The late Dr. George Ripley was wont to say that the secret of being
agreeable in conversation was to be honorable to the ideas of others.
He affirmed that some people only half listened to you, because they
were considering, even while you spoke, with what fine words, what
wealth of wit, they should reply, and they began to speak almost before
your sentence had died upon your lips. These people, he said, might
be brilliant, witty, dazzling, but never could they be agreeable. You
do not love to talk to them. You feel that they are impatient for
their turn to come, and that they have no hospitality towards your
thoughts—none of that gentle friendliness which asks your idea and
makes much of it. This want of hospitality to other people’s ideas
often has its root in egotism, but it is equally apt to be the growth
of a secret want of self-confidence, a fear that one will not be ready
to take one’s own part well,—an uneasy self-consciousness which makes
real sympathetic attention to the ideas of others impossible.
Agreeability, readiness in conversation, tact and graciousness of
manner are great aids to popularity. To possess these qualities one
must have marked consideration for others, and be ever ready to
manifest it. One should also be ready to recall faces and names.
Though one has but few facts and ideas to draw upon, she may still,
by making sufficient effort, become a fair conversationalist. If one
despair in this direction, she may at least train herself to become an
interesting listener, and she will be surprised to find how popular she
will be; for three-quarters of the world like to talk, while to listen
intelligently is a great talent. The good listener, by her evident
interest in, and sympathetic attention to, the matter of conversation,
brings out all that is best in the one with whom she talks. Diffident
people forget their shyness in her presence, and leave her with the
comfortable and novel conviction that they have, after all, acquitted
themselves rather well.
No well-bred person would be guilty of the gross rudeness of picking
up a book or magazine and “looking through” it while pretending to
pay heed to the talk of a friend. The assurance, “I am only looking at
the pictures of this magazine, not reading, and I hear every word you
say,” is no palliation of the offence. The speaker would be justified
in refusing to continue the conversation until the pictures had been
properly studied. If a speech is worth hearing, it is worthy of
respectful and earnest attention.
No one should ever monopolize the conversation, unless he wishes to win
for himself the name of a bore.
A well-educated and finely cultured person proclaims himself by the
simplicity and terseness of his language.
In conversation all provincialisms, affectations of foreign accents,
mannerisms, exaggerations, and slang are detestable.
Flippancy is as much an evidence of ill-breeding as is the perpetual
smile, the wandering eye, the vacant stare, or the half-open mouth of
the man who is preparing to break in upon the conversation.
Interruption of the speech of others is a great sin against good
breeding.
Anecdotes should be sparsely introduced into a conversation, lest they
become stale. Repartee must be indulged in with moderation. Puns are
considered vulgar by many.
In addressing persons with titles, one ought always to add the name;
as, “What do you think, Doctor Graves?” not, “What do you think,
Doctor?”
The great secret of talking well is to adapt one’s conversation
skillfully to the hearers.
In a _tête-à-tête_ conversation, it is extremely ill-bred to drop the
voice to a whisper, or to converse on private matters.
One should never try to hide the lips in talking by putting up the hand
or a fan.
One should avoid long conversations in society with members of his own
family.
If an unfinished conversation is continued after the entrance of a
visitor, its import should be explained to him.
Though bores find their account in speaking ill or well of themselves,
it is the characteristic of a gentleman that he never speaks of himself
at all. La Buryere says: “The great charm of conversation consists less
in the display of one’s own wit and intelligence than in the power to
draw forth the resources of others; he who leaves one after a long
conversation, pleased with himself and the part _he_ has taken in the
discourse, will be the other’s warmest admirer.”
In society the absent-minded man is uncivil.
There are many persons who commence speaking before they know what
they are going to say. The ill-natured world, which never misses an
opportunity of being severe, declares them to be foolish and destitute
of brains.
He who knows the world, will not be too bashful; he who knows himself,
will not be imprudent.
There is no surer sign of vulgarity than the perpetual boasting of fine
things at home.
One should be careful how freely he offers advice.
If one keeps silent sometimes upon subjects of which he is known to be
a judge, his silence, when from ignorance, will not discover him.
One should not argue a point when it is possible to avoid it, but when
he does argue, he should do so in a gentlemanly and dispassionate
manner.
One should never notice any mistakes in the language of others.
CHAPERONAGE.
The foreign custom that makes a chaperone indispensable where young
people are gathered together at places of public entertainment, has
long obtained in the cities of the East, and in all conventional
communities everywhere. No really fashionable party is made up without
a chaperone.
A young woman condemns herself in the eyes of good society who is
observed to enter alone with a young man a place of public refreshment,
be the restaurant or tea room ever so select. Bred under other
conditions of a society so necessarily varying as that in our broad
America, a stranger visiting New York, for instance, might readily and
innocently make a mistake of this nature, and blush at finding herself
condemned for it. In the same category of offenses is ranked that of
maidens visiting places of public amusement under the escort of young
men alone. Many parts of the South and West allow this to be done
with the smiling consent of good society; but in Eastern cities it is
considered a violation of good form, and for the comfort, if not the
convenience, of the girl considering it, had better be ranked among the
lost privileges upon which social evolution may look back with fond
regret.
It is always wisest, when a number of young people are to have a
party, to ask two or three married women to be present, not only for
propriety’s sake, but because there will then be no danger of anything
unwished for happening, inasmuch as it is the duty of the chaperones to
make all social entertainments smooth and pleasant.
When it is necessary for a girl to pay long visits to a dentist’s
office, she should be accompanied either by her mother, or some woman
relative, or maid.
The etiquette of chaperonage is much less strict for a young widow than
for an unmarried girl of the same age; but it is important and in good
taste for a woman who is a widow to be very quiet and inconspicuous in
all she does, giving by her behavior no opportunity for criticism.
MARRIAGE.
A young girl’s own safety, as regards her present and future happiness,
demands that she receive attentions from only the best of young
men,—those of whom her reason would approve, if the acquaintance should
lead to more than acquaintance.
Parents should carefully watch the young men who frequent their houses,
in order to see that undesirable intimacies are not formed with their
daughters, for friendships and intimacies soon lead to love.
Many a girl, feeling convinced that she had loved unwisely, has entered
upon the married state with heart and reason at variance, when she
might have given up the acquaintance, in the beginning of it, very
easily.
The most perfect reserve in courtship, even in cases of the most ardent
attachment, is indispensable to the confidence and trust of married
life to come.
All public display of devotion should be avoided, for it tends to
lessen mutual respect, and it makes the actors ridiculous in the eyes
or others. It is quite possible for a man to show every conceivable
attention to the one to whom he is engaged, and yet to avoid committing
the slightest offence against delicacy or good taste.
It is quite possible for a man to show attention, and even assiduity
up to a certain point, without becoming a lover; and it is equally
possible for the girl to let it be seen that he is not disagreeable to
her, without actually encouraging him. No man likes to be refused, and
no man of tact will risk a refusal.
Long engagements are usually entered into by people who are quite
young, but who, for some reason, cannot marry. As the years go on their
tastes may change, and yet each may feel that honor binds the one to
the other. The woman chosen by a man when he is twenty-one is seldom
the woman he would chose when he is forty. When people marry young
they grow accustomed to each other, and, oddly enough, they grow to be
alike; but during a long engagement their tastes are apt to change, and
the result is apt to be anything but a happy one. Of course, there are
exceptions, but, generalizing, the long engagement is to be feared.
DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES.
Etiquette is a comprehensive term, and its observances are nowhere more
to be desired than in the domestic circle.
If husbands and wives, generally, would render each other half of the
little attentions they lavished upon each other before marriage, their
mutual happiness would be more than doubled.
A wife should never let her husband have cause to complain that she is
more agreeable abroad than at home, nor see her negligent of dress and
manners at home when it is the reverse in company.
If, unhappily, any misunderstandings or annoyances occur between
husband and wife, it is ill-bred and unjust for either to repeat them
to a third person.
Faithful unto death in all things should be the motto of both husband
and wife; and forbearance with each other’s peculiarities, their
never-ending effort to attain.
If a girl discovers very soon after her marriage that she has made
a mistake, it is wisest for her to make the best of it; she should
look for all that is good in her husband and try to forget that which
she dislikes. There are times when a legal separation is necessary,
but when people marry they marry for better or for worse, and if,
unfortunately, it should be for worse, even that does not release them
from the solemn vows which they have taken.
It is not in good taste for a husband and wife to call each other by
endearing names in the presence of others.
A man has no right whatever to open his wife’s mail, but a woman should
not receive any letters that she would not be willing that her husband
should see.
[Illustration]
CHAPTER V.
DRESS, GLOVES, STREET ETIQUETTE, TRAVELING, BICYCLING, TELEPHONING.
“Refinement of character is said never to be found with
vulgarity of dress.”
DRESS.
In appropriateness our people have something to learn, as has the
whole world, for that matter. Necklaces and jewels in the morning are
monstrous, no matter what the fashion of the moment may be, and there
will come a time when every one will look upon them with horror, as
every one, indeed, used to do.
The day is past when latitude or great variety in dress is considered
original. Clothes, if they are startling at all, must be startling in
a degree to be borne. A train cannot be worn where only a short skirt
is in order, nor can an abbreviated drapery go where full dress is
required. A garden party, for instance, or an out-of-door tea at a
private house demands a muslin, a silk, or, at any rate, an elaborate
toilet, while at a golf club, such dress is absurd, except for the
elderly or non-players. In winter, frills and furbelows, if they are
worn at all, are worn at large teas, the plain tailor-made suit having
gone out for such purposes. However, it is difficult to follow the
vagaries of fashion in these regards.
For morning wear, no dress can be too simple. Luncheons are growing
more and more informal. When distances are great, however, and one
dresses for calls in the part of town where the luncheon is, afterward,
more elaborateness of dress is allowed.
The best advice to all girls upon the subject must be, not to be
overdressed, nor yet to be careless in the matter. They should attire
themselves according to their circumstances, and should, above all
things, avoid all extremes of fashion, as well as all eccentricities of
style.
Only quiet colors should be worn either to church or on the street,
and wherever girls go they should endeavor to be unconscious of their
personal appearance.
The woman who is overdressed at an afternoon reception is much more
uncomfortable than she who is gowned with the simplicity of a Quaker. A
well fitting wool gown, a becoming bonnet, a fresh pair of gloves, and
one is suitably dressed as a caller.
A girl of fourteen should not wear her hair done up, and her gown
should come just below her ankles.
It is not in good taste for a young girl to wear diamond rings; if she
is fortunate enough to possess them, let her keep them carefully until
she is older, and then she may wear them with perfect propriety.
It is in very bad taste to wear a dressing-sacque when breakfasting
in a public dining-room of a hotel. Such an undress costume is only
permissible in one’s own room.
A frock coat is, under no circumstances, a correct garment for a man
to wear at an evening dance, neither is a Tuxedo or dinner coat. The
proper dress is a full dress suit, with white vest and white string
tie. Possibly a dinner coat might be allowable at a very small and very
informal dance, but a frock coat never.
A man should wear a white tie with a dress suit at any large formal
entertainment, such as a ball, the opera, a wedding reception, a
large dinner party, etc., and on all occasions where he wears a white
waistcoat. He should wear a black tie at the theater, at a small
dinner, in calling, and at home with his dinner coat.
Evening dress may be as gay as one chooses to make it, though extremes
are not desirable.
Dresses made a suitable length for walking are much more appropriate
for the street than those that are so long that their wearers become
street cleaners.
Neatness in a lady’s dress is one of the first requisites.
To dress well requires good taste, good sense, and refinement.
The most appropriate and becoming dress is that which so harmonizes
with the figure that the apparel is unobserved.
A hostess should be careful not to out-dress her guests.
When going out one should consider the sort of company she is likely to
meet, and should dress accordingly.
The idea that “dress makes the man” is a very false one, but a man
_does_ make, or select, rather, his dress, and is judged somewhat in
accordance with that selection.
At a five o’clock church wedding the groom, best man, and ushers all
dress as nearly as possible alike. The proper costume or suit is a
black frock coat, gray trousers, black or fancy vesting waist coat,
white tie, _glacé_ gloves, patent leather boots, and a tall hat.
GLOVES.
A young woman should of course wear gloves with a full evening dress to
any kind of an evening entertainment.
On taking one’s seat at a dinner table or a card table one may remove
one’s gloves, but not until then; and at the theater or opera, gloves
should be worn throughout the performance and during the evening.
A man wears light or white kid gloves to the opera, dances, a
reception, or any other formal evening entertainment, except a dinner.
It is usual to remove one’s gloves when eating supper at an evening
affair, unless merely a cup of bouillon or an ice may be chosen, and
then there would be no impropriety in keeping on one’s gloves.
A man wears gloves when calling, and removes them just before or just
after entering the parlor. Tan gloves may be worn at all hours of the
day; white or pearl ones are proper in the evening, when calling, or at
any place of amusement.
No matter how long one’s gloves are, they should be entirely taken off
at supper, and be resumed again upon returning to the drawing-room or
after using the finger bowls, and before arising from the feast.
To wear gloves while playing cards is an affectation of elegance.
STREET ETIQUETTE.
A man offers his right arm, if either, to a woman on the street (also
in the house), that she may have her right hand free for holding her
parasol or guiding her train. Both common sense and gallantry assign
the woman’s place where it is for her greatest convenience, and that
is, undeniably, on the right of the man.
The rule for giving the left arm was held good in those days when it
was necessary for men to pass to the left, thus keeping the sword-arm
free for self-protection or for the protection of the women, but now
the passing is all to the right.
In walking with a woman a man chooses the outer side without any regard
as to its being either the right or the left. In walking with two women
he chooses the outer side also, and never walks between them.
A man walking with a woman returns a bow made to her, lifting his hat,
although the one bowing is a stranger to him.
Ladies do not talk or call across the street.
Men should not smoke when driving or walking with women, nor on
promenades much frequented, where they cannot remove the cigar from the
mouth whenever meeting a woman.
One should never stare at another.
A man when meeting a woman who is walking and with whom he wishes to
converse, does not allow her to stand while talking, but turns and
walks with her.
A man cannot refuse to return the bow of any respectable woman. If he
does not wish to recognize her he must avoid her.
It is much less rude for women to return a recognition coldly, and upon
the next occasion to turn away or to avoid a meeting, than to give a
“cut direct.”
A man precedes a woman in passing through a crowd; but women precede
men under ordinary circumstances.