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[Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES.
_Algy._ "COME AND DINE WITH ME WITH ME TO-NIGHT, SNOBBINGTON?"
_Snobbington._ "SORRY TO SAY I CAN'T, OLD CHAPPIE. AFRAID I'VE GO TO
GO AND DINE WITH THAT OLD FOOL, LORD BOREHAM, FOR MY SINS!"
_Lord Boreham_ (_from behind his Newspaper_). "PRAY CONSIDER YOURSELF
EXCUSED THIS EVENING, MR.----MR.----A--I FIND I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU BY
SIGHT!"
[_Which is quite true!_
]
* * * * *
'ARRY AND THE NEW WOMAN.
Dear CHARLIE,--'Ow are you, old shipmate? _I_'ve bin layin' low
for a time.
'Ard years these 'ere Nineties, my nibs, yus, and bizness 'as bin
fur from prime.
All grind and no gay galoot, CHARLIE, of late 'as bin _my_ little
lot;
An' between you and me _and_ the post, I think most things is
going to pot!
It's Newness wot's doing it, CHARLIE! "Lor! _that_'s a rum
gospel," sez you.
Well, p'raps in your green tooral-looral you don't hear so much of
the New;
But in town with New Art, and New Women, New Drammer, New Humour,
and such,
There seems nothink _old_ left in creation, save four-arf, and
DANNEL'S old Dutch.
_She_'s old, and no hapricots, CHARLIE. But DANNEL'S a decentish
sort,
And the way as _she_ lays down the law about up-to-date woman _is_
sport.
'Er nutcrackers clitter and clatter; and when she is fair on the
shout,
Concernin' fresh feminine fashions, you bet it's a reglar knock-out!
I took LIL, DANNEL'S youngest, larst week to the play, with some
tickets I'd got.
Well, paperers mustn't be choosers. But oh, mate, of all the
dashed rot
They ever chucked over the footlights, this 'ere Probblem Play wos
the wust!
It left me with brain discumfuddled, the blues, and a thundering
thust.
It gave poor LIL 'ARRIS the 'orrors. "Lor, 'ARRY," she sez, coming
out,
"They've styged it, no doubt, tol-lol-poppish, but wot _is_ the
'ole thing about?
I feel just as creepy and 'oller, along o' these 'ere warmed-up
ghosts,
As if I'd bin dining on spiders. Eugh! Let's 'ave a glarss at 'The
Posts.'"
It took two 'ot tiddleys to warm 'er. An' when I was blowin' a cloud
A-top o' the tram going 'ome, she sez, "'ARRY," sez she, "_I_
ain't proud,
But don't tyke me never no more to no New Woman nonsense," sez she.
"It's narsty; and not one good snivel _or_ larf in the whole
jamboree.
"I don't call them _people_, I don't." "No; they're probblems,
_Lil_, that's wot _they_ are.
She-probblem a tearin' 'er 'air, whilst the he-probblem sucks 'is
cigar;
Two gurl-probblems sniffing at Marriage, that played-out old
farce--at sixteen!--
I thought we was fair up-to-date, _Lil_, but, bless yer, we're
simply pea-green!"
And when we arrived at Lamb's Conduit Street, old DANNEL 'ARRIS'S
shop,
His old Dutch got fair on the grind, and when started she's orkud
to stop.
"New Woman?" sez she. "_She_'s no clarss, LIL, and don't know a
mite where she are.
Yah! _We_ used to call 'em Old Cats; and a sootabler name, too, by
far.
"There ain't nothink new in _their_ Newness; it's only old garbige
warmed up.
Mere bubble-and-squeak. The stale taters and greens on which poor
people sup
Is 'olesome compared with sich offal. Yah! Weddings'll outlast
_that_ lot;
And while gals is gals the old Eve'll jest make the new evil seem
rot."
The jawsome old guffin wos right, _Charlie_; leastways, she wosn't
fur out.
Yer female footballers and bikers, as swagger and go on the shout,
And spile a good sport _and_ their hancles, are not more complete
off the track
Than them as "revolt"--agin Nature, and cock their she-bokos--at
fack!
All splutter-sludge, CHARLIE! On styge or on cinder-path, sillypop
things
As want to play Man and _be_ Woman are trying to fly without wings,
Or fight without fistes. Are Men, the world's masters--like you,
mate, and Me--
To be knocked out by probblems in petticoats? Wot bloomin'
fiddle-de-dee!
The Old Dutch, and young LIL, and myself are all much of a mind on
this job.
Old 'ARRIS sez men are not in it. _He_ don't mean it, I'll bet a
bob.
It ain't very likely, not now, that Yours Scrumptiously ever
_will_ marry;
But _if_ I should tyke a Old Woman, it won't be no New Woman!
'ARRY.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Edith._ "I DON'T BELIEVE JACK WILL EVER LEARN TO
DANCE!"
_Alice_ (_whose dress has suffered_). "WORSE THAN THAT--HE WILL NEVER
LEARN NOT TO ATTEMPT IT!"]
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