["Advertisements for some time past have been inserted in
Government publications."--_Daily Paper._]
SCENE--_Room of a_ Secretary of State. _Present_ Right Hon. Gentleman
_attended by his_ Private Secretary.
_Right Hon. Gentleman._ Well, TENTERFORE, anything for me this
morning?
_Private Secretary._ I think not. You will find that I have worked out
the answers to to-day's questions--the list is not a very heavy one,
only a couple of dozen queries or thereabouts.
_Rt. Hon. Gent._ That's right. Such a lot of time is wasted in that
sort of thing. And has anyone come for me?
_Priv. Sec._ No one of importance. A fellow with a new invention or
something of that sort. Said you were extremely busy just now, but
that if he would write, his letter would receive the attention of the
department.
_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Was he satisfied?
_Priv. Sec._ (_smiling_). Well, I fear not entirely. I think he must
have had some experience of Government offices. He said he preferred
to see you personally.
_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_amused_). I daresay he would. Anyone else?
_Priv. Sec._ Only a man about advertisements.
_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_aghast_). You did not send _him_ away?
_Priv. Sec._ Well, no. I believe he is still in the waiting-room. But
surely you don't want to see him?
_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Of course I do. A most important person. Send a
messenger for him at once. (_Exit_ Private Secretary.) That's the
worst of TENTERFORE--so impulsive! Means well, but so very impulsive!
(_Knock._) Ah, here comes my visitor. (_Enter stranger._) My very dear
Sir, I am delighted to see you. (_He shakes hands warmly and
provides him with an arm-chair._) I am sorry you should have been
detained--quite a mistake.
_Stranger_ (_surprised_). You are most kind. I come about some
advertisements.
_Rt. Hon. Gent._ I know, my dear Sir, I know. Now what can I tempt
you with? You arrive at a most fortunate moment. We are thinking of
letting the sides of our cruisers for posters. The Mediterranean fleet
will be a most excellent medium. We can do sixteen double crowns at
a very reasonable rate; of course the Admiral's flag-ship would be a
trifle extra. Is your leading article soap, pickles, or hair-dye?
_Stranger._ I am afraid you do not understand me.
_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Oh yes, I do; but, if you object to marine
advertisements, I think we can suit you on land. We have several
commanding positions on the colours of some of the most popular
regiments in the service vacant. (_Showing plans._) You see we can
insert type--we object to blocks--on the material without interfering
with the badges or the victories. A most admirable medium, I assure
you.
_Stranger._ You really are in error. I wish to say----
_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_interrupting_). Yes, I know. You think that
something would be better. Well, we can put advertisements on the
backs of all petitions presented to Parliament, and let you out
hoardings in front of the more prominent of the Government offices.
How would that suit you?
_Stranger._ Really, you must allow me to explain. Advertisements
of matters interesting to mariners--such as notices of wrecks--are
inserted solely in the _London Gazette_ and----
_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Ah, you are thinking of the sky signs. Well, of
course, we might utilise the lighthouses, but we have not quite made
up our minds whether such a course might not cause confusion in misty
weather.
_Stranger._ I was going to propose that the Government might feel
inclined to insert the advertisements to which I have referred in a
paper with which I am connected, and which is extensively circulated
amongst seafaring men.
_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_astounded_). You want _me_ to give _you_ an
advertisement! No, Sir; now that we have taken up advertisements we
insert them and don't give them out. (_Enter_ Private Secretary.) Mr.
TENTERFORE, be so good as to explain to this gentleman that my time is
valuable.
[_Scene closes in upon the_ Secretary of State _performing the
now rather miscellaneous duties appertaining to his office._
* * * * *
BRIEF STAY IN LONDON OF THE EMINENT FRENCH NOVELIST.--He has not quite
mastered our idioms, but he has made a pun in English, when saying,
"_J'y suis, moi, Daudet; je pars demain_," _i.e._, "I am here
_Do-day_, and gone to-morrow."
* * * * *
SUGGESTION.--"_The Attaree Khat Tea Co._" is a nice name. Why
not follow with the "_Attaree Khat and Kitten Milk Co._"? Very
attaree-active to some pussons.
* * * * *
MOTTO (ADDRESSED TO FLUTES, HAUTBOYS, &C.) FOR CONDUCTOR OF THE
STRAUSS ORCHESTRA.--"STRAUSS shows how the wind is to blow."
* * * * *
"INFANT PHENOMENON!"--At Drury Lane, the arduous part of _Don Cæsar_
in the opera of _Maritana_ was last Friday played by a CHILD!
* * * * *