surrounded by slaves. Though they did not, in general, look unhappy, and
though they enjoyed many comforts, yet the whole system excited my
indignation. You know I had never learned to control or conceal my
sentiments, and I now took every opportunity of expressing them with
such silly enthusiasm, and so publicly, that I not only offended all the
whites, but injured the poor negroes themselves. My imprudent sympathy
not only made them feel their degraded situation the more acutely, but
materially helped to inflame that spirit of discontent which, more or
less, must always accompany slavery; and I really tremble in reflecting
how much I may have been accessary to the events which afterwards
happened. Yet you will be astonished, Bertha, when I add, that such was
the perverse inconsistency of my character, that while overflowing with
compassion for these poor creatures, I was a most arbitrary mistress to
those who were among our domestics, and tyrannical over all who were
under my influence. I had established an evening school for the slaves
when their work was done; I did really pay it unremitting attention, and
fancied that I found great pleasure in being useful; but I could not
bear to have my benevolent intentions thwarted: those who were negligent
in their attendance excited a stronger feeling than displeasure; and I
blush in confessing that the task-master found it was his interest to
treat those who had displeased me with increased severity.
One of the females who worked in the plantation had a very engaging
daughter; she had a good figure, spoke English tolerably, and had a
quickness and intelligence which particularly pleased me. I had a great
wish to have this girl about my person, and at last obtained her, though
against her mother’s will. She lived in the house, and was a most useful
and good-natured creature; and the rapidity with which she acquired all
the knowledge that I could teach, fully justified the high opinion of
her that I had formed.
Sometimes, in the intervals of my economical fever, I amused myself in
making little collections in natural history; and she endeared herself
extremely to me by the zeal with which she entered into all my pursuits.
Birds, insects, beetles, spiders, reptiles, were all caught by her
dexterity; and the tenderest plants and flowers were laid on my table as
fresh as when they were pulled; so that Mr. P. and I were able to
examine, at our leisure, all the natural productions of the island. In
short, during more than a year and a half, this blameless and innocent
girl, Nanina, continued high in my favour, and was treated more like a
daughter than a slave. She really loved me, and her efforts to please me
were most assiduous. But I had a temper which had never been controlled
in youth, and which was still unmanageable. Caprice alone governed it,
and I began to grow tired of poor Nanina. Perhaps she might have been
sometimes rather too familiar in her manner, but if so, it was my own
fault. Always in extremes, I now became dissatisfied with everything she
said or did. If she appeared hurt at this unaccountable change of
conduct, I was still more angry; and one day, that she threw herself at
my feet, and with tears in her eyes remonstrated against some unjust
accusation, I barbarously spurned her from my chair, and ordered her
never more to enter my room. Alas! how quickly does the spirit of
injustice grow; the next day I missed a favourite ring, and I accused
her of stealing it!--Yes, I suspected poor Nanina, who had been
invariably faithful, and whose principles I well knew had been proof
against many far greater temptations.
I learned that Nanina had gone to confide her griefs to her mother; and
as she did not return, I became so incensed at her for leaving me, as
well as at her family for encouraging her to stay away, and I spoke of
them with so much bitterness to the overseer, that he lost no
opportunity of treating them with rigour. No attention, however, was
paid to my positive orders for her return: she was not with her family;
to all inquiries about her, they preserved a stubborn silence; and it
was notorious that the unjust harshness of the overseer to them all was
the effect of my resentment. Several weeks elapsed without any tidings
of her, and irritated by what I considered her obstinacy, I determined
to communicate the whole affair to Mr. P., in order that he might
enforce obedience to my commands. I did so, and never shall I forget the
horror and astonishment he expressed at my conduct. At first I was vexed
and mortified by what he said, but when he calmly retraced to me all the
circumstances of the case, contrasting my professed sensibility with my
real inhumanity, and dwelling not only on the capricious extremes of my
affection and hatred for Nanina, but on the accumulated cruelty of
suspecting her without cause, of punishing her without proof, and of
revenging my quarrel with her on the whole family, I sunk into his arms,
I saw and acknowledged all my odious errors, and would have done
anything to compensate the poor girl for my base injustice, if she
could have been found.
All this took place in the beginning of summer; and in the middle of the
hottest part of that season Mr. P. was obliged to go to Spanish Town,
which was fifteen miles distant, about business. The day passed heavily,
the sultry air oppressed me, there seemed to be an unusual stillness
everywhere; the slaves even appeared to work in sullen silence, and I
scarcely heard a sound but the buzz of some insect, or the angry chirp
of the humming-birds as they quarrelled about the flowers at my window.
My thoughts turned mournfully upon my late conduct, and upon the severe
but just expostulations of my husband. They did indeed oppress my heart;
and in some measure to relieve myself, I went in the afternoon to the
school, but I found it locked and no creature near it. There was a
mountain path near the Pimenta grove, where we used sometimes to walk
late in the evening to enjoy the land breeze; and taking a book which
happened to lie on the sofa, I strolled through the grove and ascended
slowly from the valley. The hills in that country are covered with woods
which never lose their verdure; and after musing for some time on a
magnificent group of the stately cabbage-palm, the tall cedar, and the
wide spreading mahogany, I sat down under their shade. At length I
opened my book, and the very first thing I saw was my long lost ring! I
quickly recollected that many weeks before I had put it in there to keep
the place open, and I felt myself so shocked at my unworthy suspicions
of Nanina, and so angry at myself, that I was quite overcome. But
gradually the breeze revived me, and I burst into tears. At that moment,
When sunk by guilt in sad despair,
Repentance breathes her humble prayer,
I was startled by the sound of hurried footsteps, and Nanina herself
appeared before me. She stopped, hesitated--then seized my hand and
pressed it to her heart. “Oh! joy, joy,” said she. “Nanina thought never
more see you, and now me search for you, and no find you in house.” I
was painfully glad to see her--I hastily rose to take her home, and
began to express my feelings, but she interrupted me and said in the
most urgent tone, “This day me make escape, and run to tell mistress not
to stay in home to-night--they all rise this night, and go everywhere
for mischief, but first kill mistress, or make her slave.”
However startled by this alarming speech, I immediately proposed to
return home to save my husband’s papers and to tell the servants to
escape.
“No, no, no,--too late,--come with me, me put you safe, but no talky
now,--come quick,--come silent.”
As we hurried along through the forest paths, I could not help saying,
“Nanina, I was unjust to you--I accused you of stealing;--how comes it
that you are so kind to one who has used you so cruelly?”
“That is what me learn from the book you gave me, and taught me to
know--me never lose that book;--that book say, forgive your enemy, do
good to him that persecute you. Yes, you call me teef, but you be killed
dead if Nanina no come save you, and Nanina forget all but that you were
once good mistress.” She grasped the hand I had laid on hers, as she
said this, and I felt her tears drop on it. Oh what an exquisite moment!
I besought her to let me send intelligence to meet Mr. P., but the
faithful creature had already sent a trusty friend to warn him of the
danger, and to assure him of my safety. She hurried me on--it was dark
when we reached the river, and no canoe was to be seen; but we walked
along its banks for some distance, when to my great surprise it suddenly
disappeared. I then recollected hearing that in one spot the San Pedro
river dipped under ground; and there Nanina had purposely brought me,
that we might cross to the opposite bank, without the assistance of a
boat. At last, after many hours’ walking, and when I was scarcely able
to move, we arrived at one of the reed huts which the negroes inhabit. A
man and woman received us;--they said some words to Nanina which I
could not understand, but they looked good-naturedly at me, and laid
their hands on their hearts.
Now that we were apparently in safety, and that we could venture to
speak at ease, Nanina told me what had happened during the long time she
was absent. The day on which, in vexation, she had gone to complain to
her mother, she found a stranger in the hut. This was the famous
Apakong; he was one of the descendants of the Maroons, who had formerly
been so troublesome, and he fully inherited their fierce, discontented
spirit. He had instigated the slaves in our neighbourhood to rise
against their masters. My injustice to Nanina and her family was an
additional pretext, and fearful that her mother might suffer her to
return to me, and thus, perhaps, betray their plans, he took her away as
a hostage, and till that day had watched her closely; but a general
muster of the insurgents had happily given her an opportunity of
escaping from his less vigilant wife.
Nanina left me at early dawn, entreating me not to stir from the
negroes’ hut till she returned. Hours passed in the most intense
anxiety, and no tidings came. I knew not what the poor negroes said, but
I saw they were deeply anxious, listening to every sound, and watching
in every direction. They placed food before me, but I could not eat.
They brought me a branch of a pimenta tree, which overhung the hut, to
revive me by its smell; but it reminded me too strongly of the dwelling
at San Pedro, which I had begun to love, and of my dear husband, whom
perhaps I should never see again. My thoughts flew from that to my
former home on Ulleswater, and then still farther back, to the home of
my youth, and to those dear parents whose over-affection for me had been
their only fault. Alas! thought I, how will they feel, if----. But this
train of bitter reflections was suddenly interrupted by loud yells,
which appeared to be rapidly approaching. I was preparing to meet my
fate with resignation, when my two poor negro hosts quickly placed me in
a corner of the hut, and, covering me over with reeds and palm leaves,
made a sign of silence. An immense crowd surrounded the hut, and I heard
many loud and angry voices inside; but it was Nanina for whom they
asked; she was the object of their pursuit; and full of revengeful
eagerness in their inquiries about her, they did not observe the
suspicious heap of reeds.
They were not half an hour gone, when poor Nanina arrived, looking quite
worn down by fatigue. She had gone to obtain intelligence, and having
heard of the insurgents’ visit to the hut, and fearing their return, she
came to remove me to a place of greater safety. How or when we arrived
there I can scarcely recollect; and what took place afterwards I can
still less remember, for I fainted more than once with fright and
fatigue. I know that there was fighting close to me--the horrid yells
are still in my ears; and I think I can remember clinging to Nanina when
she was seized--a loud shout that was given soon afterwards--and then
finding myself again in silence; and I well remember that Mr. P. himself
came into a cave where I was lying, and took me home.
And what a scene presented itself there! The house partly burnt, the
furniture destroyed, the gardens ruined, and every species of
devastation committed, for which there had been time or means. My brain,
which was already bewildered, now completely gave way. I thought I was
the cause, not only of all this destruction, but of the death of Nanina
my preserver, though she was then with me. Nothing could calm me; and I
continued for a long time delirious.
I have since been told, that when Nanina’s messenger arrived in Spanish
Town, there was such a general conviction that the insurrection of the
slaves was a false report, that much time was lost; and before the
military were detached, the rebel negroes had done incalculable mischief
to the San Pedro and some neighbouring plantations. At last the troops
arrived, and Mr. P. with them; and after a short skirmish, the negroes
threw down their arms, and submitted. The ringleaders were taken; and
one of them acknowledged to Mr. P. that they had been a long time
secretly trying to excite a spirit of rebellion amongst the slaves; that
they agreed not to do any mischief to the San Pedro plantations, because
Mr. P. had always been lenient and considerate; but that afterwards they
felt so much the harshness of _my_ conduct, which became so different
from what it had been at first, that their vengeance was particularly
directed to our house.
My mind continued in such a state for many weeks, that Mr. P. determined
to try change of air and scene; and as soon as the necessary measures
had been taken to repair the losses at our plantation, he prepared to
take me to Antigua. I was insensible to every thing, and can only tell
you the circumstances since detailed to me. The voyage began well, but
in a few days, a hurricane arose, which dismasted the vessel, and
wrecked us on the coast of Hayti. The crew were saved with difficulty,
but every thing else was lost, and we were in a lamentable situation,
prisoners, absolutely destitute; and even Nanina and our man-servant
were separated from us. When I missed her, my former conviction of her
death returned with double violence; and I became still more
unmanageable. She found it very difficult to convince the people of
Hayti, that, though a slave, she did not wish for the liberty which
they offered; but at last, after much explanation and entreaty, Mr. P.
persuaded the government to let her return to our quarters. When she
appeared, I knew her, and tenderly embraced her; I also knew my
affectionate husband, who had so long been my only nurse. This momentary
return of reason was of short duration; it was followed by a fresh
access of fever, and all hope of my recovery seemed now to have
vanished.
A favourable crisis, however, came. I awoke to restored consciousness;
and the first sounds that I heard were from my husband, at my bedside,
uttering his pious gratitude to heaven, in a low voice. I scarcely knew
the cause of his emotion; but afterwards, when I witnessed his daily and
fervent thanksgivings, and became sensible of the cloud which had
darkened my understanding, I felt my heart more truly and more deeply
touched by religion, than it had ever been, even in the period of my
highest enthusiasm. I may, indeed, say, that “The Lord put a new song
into my mouth, even a thanksgiving;” and I sincerely prayed that God
would permit me to repent of my sins and follies, and that he would turn
my whole heart to gratitude and humility.
My trials, however, were not yet over. Every day, indeed, made me more
and more conscious of my former errors; and every day I felt more
penitent; but I was now to act. Anxiety, want of rest, privations of
every kind, and probably infection, soon shewed their effects on my
faithful companions; and both yielded to the same horrid fever.
Experience of their tender care, during my own tedious recovery, had
taught me what to do; and duty, love, and gratitude, gave me strength. I
who, till lately, had not known what bodily exertion meant, was now
actually the only attendant on these poor patients; and I thank God my
humbled spirit was heedless of all trouble.
A French physician, who had been allowed to remain at Hayti during the
political changes there, was permitted to visit and prescribe for us. I
never can forget his compassionate kindness; and it touched him so much
to see me, still very weak, going through every menial work, that he
promised to lend me one of his own servants; but government interfered,
and for what reason I could never divine, forbade this act of
generosity. I am glad of it; for a strong practical lesson was very
useful in completing my reform. My anxious cares, however, were
ultimately rewarded by the recovery of Mr. P., and of Nanina; and as
soon as we were able to leave the miserable house where we had been
imprisoned, our good physician obtained leave to remove us to a better
situation; and he even ventured to supply us with money, for which we
were sadly distressed.
After a long and painful detention, the same active benevolence obtained
our release; and as soon as we could hire a vessel, we departed. My kind
husband offered to take me to Antigua, and to let me reside there, in
the idea that I might have a horrible impression of Jamaica; and he
proposed to visit San Pedro himself, from time to time; but I would not
consent: the days of folly and selfishness were past--I now knew and
felt my duty. We landed in Jamaica, and there a fresh misfortune awaited
us. The person who had been appointed to the care of the San Pedro
plantation during our absence, refused to give it up; he alleged, that
he had been acting under the direct orders of the proprietor; and more
than one reference was made to Mr. Crispin, before all the tedious
difficulties could be overcome, and before the law authorities would
interfere to dispossess him. To us, who had no ready money, a lawsuit
was difficult to manage; and a very long time elapsed before Mr. P. was
completely reinstated.
A severe illness, under which Mr. Crispin had been labouring, was a
great additional source of anxiety to us, and had materially helped to
protract the above affair; but shortly after its termination, we
received a most kind and fatherly letter from him, announcing his
perfect recovery; but intimating, that he considered his illness as a
warning to “set his house in order”; and inclosing a deed of gift to
Mr. P. of the whole Jamaica property. He said he had always intended to
bequeath it to him, but that he preferred giving it then, while Edward
was on the spot, that he might make whatever arrangements he liked
previous to his return to England. And this he hoped might be soon, as
he wished, before he died, to see us once more, and to restore to Mr. P.
his Ulleswater estate, which had nearly paid off all his debts. He also
sent a considerable sum of money to reimburse our expenses in the
lawsuit, and thus effected a sudden change in our circumstances, from
poverty to comparative affluence.
It was long since we had had money at command; and the first use Mr. P.
made of it was to enable me at once to visit the dear friends from whom
I had been so many years separated, without waiting for the final
arrangement of his affairs. I need scarcely tell you that the moment the
property was ours we gave Nanina her freedom. I had intended to have
proposed her remaining with me, but I learned that there had been a long
attachment between her and a deserving young man; and before we left
Jamaica I had the pleasure of seeing the faithful girl happily settled.
Just then the Phaëton was ordered to Brazil with despatches, and to
proceed from thence to England. Captain M. was nearly related to Mr.
P., and immediately offered me a passage, which, though much longer, was
much more agreeable than if made in any other way. I need not tell you,
Bertha, how greatly I enjoyed the time we remained at Rio, and how happy
I was to have you for my companion during the remainder of our voyage.
Thank heaven, I found my dear father and mother well and strong; my
children, too, had just come home from school for the vacation, and my
happiness would have been complete had my dear Edward been with me. My
boys have fine open generous minds, and I trust that in their education
I shall take warning by my own early faults.
From this little history of my past life you will perceive, my dear
Bertha, how much reason I have to be grateful for the afflictions with
which Providence thought fit to correct me; and though your education
has fortunately been very different from mine, still, this account of my
follies and their consequences will point out numerous dangers to avoid,
and new motives for continual watchfulness: every page of it will shew
you the necessity of a vigilant self-control, and will, I think, amply
demonstrate the value of homely virtues and of homely knowledge. Do not,
however, imagine that I seek to depreciate the value of scientific or
literary pursuits, or that my love for them has diminished;--far from
it:--I would only keep them in their right place; for I have at last
learned that the _useful_ and the _intellectual_ embellish each other;
and that the female character is more or less imperfect if deficient in
either.--G. P.
_11th._--The dormouse seemed less inclined to sleep during the last
return of frost, than before; and since the weather has become a little
more mild and warm, it seems to have laid aside its sleepiness almost
entirely. During one or two slight frosts, which lasted for only a day
or two, it slept constantly; and I think I may say, from all our
observations, that whenever the thermometer, which my uncle has attached
to the cage, falls to 42°, the dormouse becomes inactive; and if it
falls any lower, he remains insensible. When the warmth of the room
rises to 47° he is affected by the slightest touch, and is sure to waken
in the evening and to eat heartily of his store, which I keep supplied
with nuts, biscuits, and a little milk and water. When he is too lazy to
put his mouth down into the cup, he has a very amusing method of
drinking; he dips his tail into the milk, and then draws it through his
mouth. Last night he was so much alive that he very expertly repaired
his nest, which had been a little deranged. On the whole, as my uncle
says, it appears, that as soon as the necessity for sleeping is
removed, by artificial warmth and plenty of food, the torpid propensity
of this little creature vanishes.
My aunt remarked that there are many well-known facts of animals being
compelled by circumstances to relinquish their strongest
characteristics; for instance, the hyena lives on the roots of
_fritillary_ in the unfrequented parts of Africa, but in the
neighbourhood of inhabited places he feeds on carrion:--and the pied
flycatcher, which lives on soft seeds in this country, is well contented
in Norway with flesh dried in smoke.
The rain, which was incessant for two days and nights, stopped
yesterday, and a nice soft wind with a warm sun has so dried the ground,
that we have been out almost all the morning. I find that spring is
beginning to advance. The buds of several trees are visibly enlarging,
though it will be many weeks before they burst; the catkins of the
hazel, which appeared during the winter like little short green spikes,
are now lengthened, and so much more open, that each floret is to be
seen separately, though none are yet expanded. When we were rambling
through the hazel thicket, Mary shewed them to me; and also the little
buds which contain the flowers that afterwards produce the nuts,
scattered up and down on the branches. It is curious that these flowers
are so carefully preserved in buds, while the catkins are exposed
without protection during the whole winter.
The flower-buds of the peach trees are much swelled, the scales are
almost separating, and in some there is even a streak of red appearing.
The tufts of leaf and flower buds on the pear trees begin to shew
themselves more distinctly; and on the larch trees, the little brown
lumps are now growing larger, and preparing to let the nests of
imprisoned leaves burst forth.
It is very odd how many interesting things are passed over and not
observed. There was a young lady here last week who lives in the
country, and yet had scarcely noticed any of these small circumstances
in Natural History, which distinguish the changes of the seasons, though
she diligently walked out every day for two hours round the garden and
shrubbery.