my perceptions, and equally capable of retaining the knowledge I so
readily acquired. My parents, delighted at my progress, were proud of
their child; and by friends and visiters I was considered a prodigy.
This injudicious praise had so powerful an effect, that when I was about
twelve years old I determined to lay aside the common amusements of
children, and to become a singular and distinguished character. My
ambition was the more easily fostered, as in our retired situation we
had but few neighbours; and, therefore, an occasional interview with
their children, or a chance visit from my cousins, supplied me but
scantily with opportunities of giving way to the natural activity of
youth, or of having my pedantry successfully ridiculed by companions of
my own age.
The pleasure which I had formerly taken in learning whatever was
difficult, in order to astonish my mother, now became a real wish for
knowledge; and as my ardour increased every year, I studied many
subjects which are not in the usual course of female education. Though
my mother would by no means have approved of such pursuits for other
young ladies, yet so great was my influence, that I was not only
uncontrolled by her, but even assisted by my father as far as his own
powers permitted.
The attainments of either were very limited: they had amiable but narrow
views of life; they were devoted to each other, and to their children;
and to the poor around them, they were actively useful and benevolent.
But their income was moderate, and my mother was obliged to practise the
most indefatigable economy in order to ensure to her family those
comforts which she thought they were entitled to enjoy, as well as to
enable her to assist those whom she considered as dependent on her
bounty; and at the same time to save something every year as a provision
for her children. About all this I then knew or cared but little; I was
insensible to the merit of her steady perseverance in these duties, and
thought very lightly of the talents necessary for such management; or I
thought of them, only to regret that intellectual creatures could waste
so much of their existence upon such vulgar labours.
I have in latter years often wondered how my mother’s plain good sense
could be so blinded by partiality, that she never even tried to conquer
my absurd fancies, and, by forcing me into obedience, to teach me to be
useful; indeed, it is most painful to me now to think of her generous
but ill-judged forbearance.
While she was engaged in superintending her servants, or instructing my
young brothers, or occupied in needle-work for us all during whole days,
with scarcely the interruption of a walk, or the indulgence of a book, I
was pouring over my high-flown studies; perhaps, reading Horace with one
brother, or conquering mathematical difficulties with the other; or,
seated under an old ilex-tree in the lawn, writing verses. Sometimes, to
gratify my mother, I condescended to practise on the piano-forte; but
this was one of the secondary employments which I despised; a thing for
show; a silly waste of time; nothing that could benefit mankind by the
developement of the human understanding.
When I was eighteen, my philosophical enthusiasm became so great, that
every moment seemed lost which was not devoted to scientific pursuits.
To waste that time and those powers which were given me for the noblest
purposes, in the common nothings of life; to sit with my friends
listening to the trifling gossip of the country, or to home-spun
discussions, were sacrifices to which I would seldom submit, and I
always broke away from them with undissembled scorn.
Many a lonely hour that she has passed repairing the clothes of which I
disdained to take care, I might have cheered her by my company; or
enlivened my father’s evenings by a little simple music, in which he
delighted. But conceit and selfishness always accompany each other; and,
what is more to the point, always lay the foundation of their own
punishment; the very talents and pursuits which, under proper control,
ornament and raise the female character, became by their abuse my
incessant bane. I had the pride of human intellect; and prayed for
knowledge: alas! I never prayed for wisdom, nor for humility.
I will give you an instance of my odious selfishness, because it shews
how short the space is between right and wrong. I went one evening to
the drawing-room in search of my brother, but he was not there. My
father had a book open near him, though he was not reading; my mother
was working, and both looking sad and anxious; I was quickly retiring
out of the room, when my father, stretching out his hand, and drawing me
gently towards him said, “Gertrude, my love, stay with us. We have had
some unpleasant news to-day. Your poor mother and I are too low-spirited
to amuse each other; and we want you, my dear child, to cheer us a
little.”
“Yes, papa,” said I, “I will come as soon as I can,” and I hurried
away.--I shall never forget his look of disappointment.--Can you believe
it?--I was so callous to every good feeling that I coolly sat down to
finish some mathematical question in which I had been engaged, before I
condescended to return!--But you will ask--had I no principles, no sense
of duty or religion to guide me?--Yes, I had principles, but they were
always warped by some silly enthusiasm: I had religion, but it was that
sort of highly wrought sentiment which produces no good fruits: it was
very spiritual I thought, but it had little influence on my actions.
My mother was anxious to bring me more into the world; and I complained
myself sometimes of the want of amusement; but I professed to despise
company of all kinds: dancing was an absurd waste of life, and the stiff
country dinners were tiresome. Had my vanity, indeed, been more
gratified at the balls and parties to which I was taken, I should,
probably, have liked them amazingly; but the truth was, the ladies
thought me learned, and were afraid of me, and neither my appearance nor
my conversation pleased the other sex; I therefore discovered that such
occupations offered but little enjoyment to a cultivated mind.
When I arrived at the age of twenty-four, I was a strange compound of
selfishness and sentiment, of folly and learning. Of every species of
useful knowledge I was ignorant; to make or mend my clothes I considered
degrading; and all the details of domestic economy I treated with
contempt. My mother reasoned with me, but in vain; my father interfered,
but it was too late; my habits were formed. My parents could not always
conceal their feelings of disappointment, and I withdrew more than ever
to my own ideal world of poetry and science, and to studies which, I
cannot too often repeat, are praiseworthy only when kept in due
subordination. My father once said to me with tears in his eyes, “The
time will come, Gertrude, when you will feel your mistake,”--and it did
indeed come.
Mr. P., a college friend of my brother’s, came to visit him about this
time, and spent a week at our house. He was as enthusiastic as myself,
ardent in science, and perfect in classical literature; he was, in a
word, the most amiable and accomplished person I had ever known. Pleased
with my conversation, he paid us repeated visits, and without
sufficiently studying my character, he sought to win my hand. It was the
most foolish thing that Mr. P. ever did!
The attentions of such a man were irresistible; he really gained my
heart, and I soon consented; anticipating with delight, as I told my
mother, a life devoted to him and to science. My father, however,
entirely disapproved of the match, as Mr. P. had a very small fortune,
and as it was too obvious that I was unfit to be a poor man’s wife. I
exerted all my former influence to coax him into acquiescence; but the
most I could obtain was that, instead of an absolute refusal, he
insisted on our waiting for a year, that we might each have time to
understand the duties and difficulties of a married life.
I had been accustomed, not merely to indulgence, but almost to
deference. Gertrude’s opinion had always been consulted; her advice had
always prevailed; and was she now, and in a matter of such importance,
to be controlled like a child! “No, sir,” said I, “Mr. P. is _my_
choice, and I will not risk my happiness by submitting to any delay.”
My father persisted, though there was a painful struggle in his
affectionate mind; and my mother tried the effect of persuasion with me,
but my passionate temper would brook no restraint. At length one of my
brothers became alarmed and thought it right to intercede; he mildly
opened their eyes to the conviction that my determined character was
their own work, and that it was now too late to retrace their steps. He
pointed out to them the dislike I had excited in the neighbourhood by my
contemptuous and satirical conduct to everybody; and the ill effect that
the reaction of that feeling might have in still further hardening my
disposition; and he endeavoured to convince them that a husband’s
influence was the only chance left of withdrawing me from the follies
they lamented. He then urged the family, the education, and the manners
of Mr. P., who had every thing but wealth to recommend him; and
earnestly implored my father to relent.
He succeeded. Mr. P. was accepted, and settlements were now to be
discussed; but scorning all inquiry into the income of one whom I loved
only for his merit, I indignantly exclaimed:--
Can gold calm passion, or make reason shine?
Can we dig peace or wisdom from the mine?
We were married--and went home to a sweet little place which Mr. P. had
on the banks of Ulleswater.--The estate was small, but had been in his
family for ages; the house was a two-story building of olden times with
projecting windows; it was situated in a valley which was sheltered from
every cold blast, and altogether looked as if it must be a happy home.
“You are mistress of this humble place, Gertrude,” said Mr. P.; “and
over my purse you have unbounded power. Your wishes are moderate, and
you well know that our expenses must be limited by discretion. This
property has been sufficient for my father and my ancestors; I hope you
will assist me in preserving it free from debt and incumbrance for my
successors. Of few things I have a greater horror than the disgrace of
debt. Remember then, dearest Gertrude, that in our present situation
economy becomes an essential duty.”
I considered this speech as so very devoid of sentiment, that I did not
deign to reply.
In a few weeks, my mother came to visit us; in her own kind manner, she
assisted me in my domestic arrangements, with as much anxiety, I
thought, as if matter of life or death; and having established me with
good servants, and put into my head more ideas than I had ever admitted
before on the subject, she left me in a very happy state.
The summer did pass happily. Mr. P. had such a variety of tastes, and so
kindly adapted them to mine; we enjoyed so much our studies at home; our
mineralogical and botanical rambles; and our sketching and boating
parties, that our life glided away in real felicity. As autumn and
winter advanced, we spent less time out of doors, and more was given to
our visiters, who remarked that now there might be some chance of seeing
us comfortably. But the house was never comfortable to visiters. My
dinners were ill arranged, and every thing was irregular. An old
gentleman, who had been intimate with Mr. P.’s father, and who continued
the warm friend and counsellor of the son, used frequently to ride over
of a frosty day to dine and sleep; or sometimes called upon us for
luncheon after he had been shooting. But he always came at some
unfortunate time; when our dinner was shabby, or ordered at some late
hour: or perhaps there was no fire to warm him after a cold ride; the
unswept hearth strewed with cinders; the room all littered, no one to
receive him, and when I did appear, probably my dress untidy, and a
frown on my brow. He had long had the habit of speaking his mind, and
very mortifying things he sometimes said, which made me hate him.
“Why, madam,” (a beginning which, from him, always shewed displeasure,)
“you seem to have a fresh cargo of new books every time I come here.
Let me see--Chemistry, Botany, Geology, Italian Tales, and Scotch
novels. All admirable food for the mind, to be sure; but we old
fashioned folk are vulgar enough to like a little comfortable food for
the body, also. Economy turned upside down.”
I had determined to make our little place a paradise. The garden, which
was to be brilliant at all seasons, was therefore crammed with flowers,
and the most beautiful shrubs were to ornament my new walks; a simple
pleasure, thought I, to which no one can object. Every week matted
parcels of treasures arrived by the coach, from distant nurseries; and
as Mr. P. acquiesced in all my suggestions, we planted and worked
together. In thus beautifying our place, we never imagined that we could
incur any great expense; besides, when the thing to be done was good, I
thought it a proof of a narrow mind to consider the cost. For the same
reason, I paid no attention to the weekly accounts of my housekeeper.
She understands managing much better than I do, and all those little
particulars, of a few pence perhaps, are really beneath my notice.
At last we were blessed by the birth of a boy, and I thought my felicity
complete.
Alas! whene’er we talk of bliss,
How prone we are to judge amiss!
I had sent to London for all my baby clothes, it seemed such a waste of
time to work at them myself. They were beautiful, so was my boy; and so
proud was I of him, that I was profuse in my generosity to all his
attendants. I determined to nurse him, and to attend him night and day;
and so completely was I engrossed by this new occupation, that I quite
neglected Mr. P., whose inseparable companion I had been till then.
When I was so much away from him, he had more leisure to perceive the
irregularity of the house. And when he went out and mixed with others,
he could not help feeling the want of comfort at home. Still he could
not bear to think that I was in the wrong.
In two years came another fine little boy, and with him fresh expenses.
I just then began to feel that money was not always to be had; long
accounts for dress, and fanciful furniture, for new books and scientific
journals, for plants, shells, and mineralogical specimens, and a variety
of other things equally necessary, came crowding in; and when I asked
for money, there was none at command. My husband thought that I had paid
for all these articles when I received them; and our ordinary expenses
had already absorbed our income. With a blind confidence that almost
amounted to weakness, he had trusted to my prudence, and made no
inquiries into the household management: perhaps, he too had been a
little inconsiderate in his farm and plantations; but far be it from me
to shade my own errors by throwing blame on him.
I begged of the people whose bills I could not pay, to wait a little;
and to keep them quiet I added debt to debt. But, at last, the crisis
came, and these doubled and trebled debts, amounting to an enormous sum,
appeared in dreadful array before Mr. P.
Then came demands from the country tradespeople who supplied our house;
brewer, butcher, baker, &c.; and then, too, we discovered that the
housekeeper, taking advantage of my foolish confidence, had never paid
them; she had deceived me by false receipts, and had in every possible
way betrayed her trust.
This shock awakened me; I understood the extent of my follies, and too
late saw their consequences: I saw Mr. P. sink under the blow, and oh!
Bertha, I did then, indeed, feel remorse. But, although wounded in the
most sensitive of his feelings, and involved by me in what he had of all
things most dreaded, he said he only reproached himself. His kindness
never failed; but I saw that I had lost his respect, and that he could
no longer rest his happiness on me. I became fretful and truly
miserable, and a sort of reserve and mutual coldness gradually took
place of that “boundless sympathy of soul” which we had till then
enjoyed.
To be in debt, Mr. P. considered a state of actual disgrace, and he
would have gladly sold his patrimony to emancipate himself from the
load; but it was entailed. There were two other ways, either to raise
money on mortgage; or, if his creditors would give him time, to devote
the chief part of his income to a fund for the purpose of liquidating
their full claims; and, in the mean time, to live on bread and water if
necessary. He turned over in his mind also a hundred different schemes
for employing his time and talents, so as to augment our means; for I
could see, that though he dreaded the privations which I must endure,
yet that one of his greatest difficulties was the doubt, whether I could
conform to the rigorous parsimony that we were now called on to
practise. Anxious for advice, he rode off to consult his old friend and
counsellor Mr. Crispin, whom we had not seen for a long time; and I was
rather surprised by his return the same evening, as he generally slept
at the Hall, when he went there. He looked agitated, and though he
treated me with more tenderness than usual, since our misfortune had
burst upon him, yet he refused to tell me the result of his
consultation.
In the evening, however, after a long silence he suddenly turned round
to the table where I was actually endeavouring to discipline my fingers
to the use of a needle, and said, “Gertrude, will you be contented to
remain here in acknowledged embarrassment, shut up from the world, and
endeavouring with me to save and to pay; or, will you for a time return
to your father and mother? You know they will receive you with open
arms; and you can there have the comforts so necessary to you and our
poor little children. I really think it will be the wisest course to ask
an asylum from them; for how can you adapt yourself to our present
circumstances?”
“If you do not actually drive me from you, my dear Edward,” I replied,
“if you will suffer me to remain with you, poignantly as I feel the
reproach implied in your proposal, it will be my only consolation to
share your difficulties, and to expiate my follies by a devoted
economy.”
“I felt--I knew that would be your decision,” said he, as a tear stole
down his cheeks. After a few days had passed, Mr. P.’s old friend came
to see us; not by any means an agreeable surprise to me, for I dreaded
his contempt and rebukes, and I was still but a wayward and only
half-humbled creature.
“Well!” said he, entering the room, “I believe I was unreasonable in the
plan I proposed; so I am come to try if we can do better. But what did
you think of it, madam?”
I told him that it had not been confided to me.
“How so--did not Edward tell it you? How was that, Mr. P.?”
“I did not like to give my wife the pain of knowing that you could have
thought so unkindly of her; and as I had no hesitation in regard to my
decision, it was not necessary to suggest to her such a cruel idea.”
“It was very generous forbearance on your part,” said he, “for you left
me full of indignation. I will tell you myself, Mrs. P. I have lately
inherited an estate in Jamaica; I am unable to take possession of it in
person, and I proposed that Edward should go as my representative, and
manage it for me, as long as his affairs are recovering here. But I made
it a positive condition, that he should give you over to your parents’
care, and quietly disencumber himself of a useless, extravagant wife.
That, madam, was my scheme. You are shocked, and turn pale; but you must
allow that it was very natural advice. However, I begin to think it not
quite right to propose such separations, nor is it just to refuse you
some trial of amendment. I have come now, therefore, to renew my
proposal, without that condition, and to offer a salary double that
which I first named. I will undertake the management of your property
here; and for this house, I will allow you a fair rent. And now, madam,
consider this well, and don’t let yourself be angry at me, for I am an
old man who deals in plain truth and plain sense.”
Wounded, as I had often been, by the harsh things this old man had said
to me, yet his blunt generosity now overcame every feeling but that of
gratitude; and before he left us the next day, every thing was arranged
with him for our immediate departure. The demesne and all our real
improvements were to be kept up; the whole income was to be applied to
the payment of the debt, which he undertook to discharge by regular
instalments; and our books and some other extravagant purchases, on
which I had lavished so much money, were to be sold, if he found it
necessary.
In parting from us, he took my hand, for the first time since we had
been acquainted, and said, “I do now believe that you are attached to
your husband--I am glad you are going with him; and I trust the
experience you have so dearly bought, will be of lasting use to you
both. I have one word more, and I have kept it for the last, to make the
deeper impression. Remember these rules, fix them in your mind, and
repeat them daily.
“Buy nothing that you do not absolutely want; and never go in debt for
any thing you do want, be it ever so necessary.
“Waste nothing.
“Let ORDER preside in every part of your house.
“Remember, that a drawing-room, though elegantly furnished, is
disgusting, if untidy.
“It is no excuse for bad dinners and comfortless rooms, that the
mistress is engaged in her laboratory mixing gases, and trying
experiments that are known to every apothecary’s apprentice. Women,
indeed, may store their minds with knowledge, but then their homely
duties must not be neglected.
“Let me hear, that when your husband returns home, after a busy morning,
he finds a cheerful house, and a smiling wife; or, as sweet Allan Ramsay
would say, ‘a blazing ingle, and a clean hearth stane.’”
With heartfelt sorrow I quitted the place where I had spent the happy
beginning of my married life. It seemed as if I was leaving every thing
that was dear, and that I never could again enjoy the tranquil life
Edward and I had led for six years. Next came the parting with my
children and my parents! But I will not touch on the painful struggle
between different duties; nor will I mention the distress of mind which
my dear father and mother suffered, in consequence of my imprudence. I
consigned my dear boys, rosy, smiling, little, lively creatures, to my
good mother, and she has truly done them justice.
Our passage to Jamaica was most favourable. Mr. P. took possession of
the San Pedro plantation, in the name of Mr. Crispin, and we were
immediately settled in the dwelling house attached to it. It consisted
of one story only, as most of the houses in that country are so built,
to preserve them from hurricanes and earthquakes. A viranda extended
along the west and south sides, ornamented with oleanders, African
roses, grenadillas, passion flowers, and other lovely plants, trained to
the pillars. To the north-west lay a flower garden, inclosed by a hedge
of the Barbadoes flower-fence. At ten or twelve feet from the ground,
the stem of this beautiful and extraordinary plant divides into several
spreading branches, armed at each joint with strong crooked spines; and
every branch terminates in a loose spike of flowers, which are something
like carnations, and which combine the most glowing mixture of red,
orange, and green, accompanied by a strong, but agreeable smell. I shall
mention only one more feature of this charming spot: the garden was
sheltered by a large _Pimenta_ grove; and, as you are acquainted with
this beautiful species of myrtle, which produces the allspice, you may
imagine how delightful I must have found its fragrance, and its shade,
in that sultry climate.
The violent resolutions I had made to abjure my former errors, and to
devote myself to my household duties, now led me into the opposite
extreme; I entered into every little detail with such indefatigable
earnestness, and, ignorant of the manners and customs of the West
Indies, I made such an infinite number of teasing regulations, that I
completely worried my servants and slaves; and even Mr. P., I do
believe, thought this extreme the worst. I became so fussy and so busy,
that I thought I had time for nothing else, like the Norwegian ladies,
whose whole lives are absorbed in domestic drudgery.