A MISCELLANEOUS COLLECTION.
"_The Triple Alliance is Faith, Hope, and Charity!_"--EMMA JANE.
THE BEST SIDE.--A penny was the object in question. The children had
examined its superscription--obverse and reverse, when little Polly
shyly said, "I like this side best, teacher"--pointing to Neptune and
the shield. "Why, Polly," demanded the teacher. "_Cause you can see the
Queen riding on a bicycle!_"
* * * * *
JONAH'S PRAYER.--It was an infants' class of forty children or thereby.
The young teacher had found the way to the hearts of her pupils, and the
children quite forgot they were engaged in work. Everything she said and
did was real and right in their eyes, and her Bible stories were a
source of wondrous delight. They would not have been astonished had they
met Abraham or even some of the antediluvians in the street. The head
master, on visiting the room, found them all interested in the career of
Jonah, and told them he would come again to learn what they could tell
about the errant prophet. As he expected, he found the story familiar to
them, and so, with the view partly of trying their power of expression
and partly of witnessing the perplexity of the embryo scholars, he asked
them to tell him Jonah's prayer while he was in the whale. Words to
express their pent-up knowledge failed most of them, but one more
vigorous than the rest relieved himself thus: "_Jonah just said, 'God,
lat me oot o' this.'_"
* * * * *
"WHEN THEY'RE RUNNING ABOUT."--It is the venerable old question, "What
is a noun?" that has drawn out the hoary answer, "Name of an animal,
person, place, or thing." Of course the inspector follows up with the
almost equally antique "Am _I_ a noun?" and the little fellow tumbles
into the creaking old trap with a cheery "Yes, sir." "Are you a noun?"
proceeds the inspector, and the "Yes, sir" of the reply shows very
little loss of confidence. "Are all the boys in the class nouns?" The
sturdy little grammarian feels from the tone that someone has blundered,
and the "Yes, sir" this time has an uncertain sound. Everything up to
this point has been done in the most approved fencing style--three cuts
up and one down; all the moves are as hackneyed as in the King's
Knight's Pawn opening. It is only when the inspector is about to effect
Fool's Mate----But let me give it as it happens. _Inspector_: "What is a
noun?" _Boy_: "Name of an animal, person, place, or thing."--_I._: "Am
_I_ a noun?" _B._: "Yes, sir."--_I._: "Are you a noun?" _B._: "Yes,
sir."--_I._: "Are all the boys in the class nouns?" _B._ (a little
doubtfully): "Yes, sir."--_I._: "And are all the boys running about in
the playground nouns?" _B._ (brightening up): "Please, sir, no, sir.
_When they're running about they're verbs!_"
* * * * *
WHERE THE OSTRICH LAYS ITS EGGS.--A class was being questioned by H.M.
inspector on the ostrich. He asked the size of the ostrich egg, but
could only get "Very big" or "Very large" for answers, so he asked them
to mention something that would show him _how_ big they were. After some
hesitation, one boy put his hand up, and when asked, replied: "Please,
sir, as big as your head." The inspector laughed, and then asked: Where
does the ostrich deposit its eggs?" Again the same boy put up his hand
and looked very anxious to be asked. When the inspector said, "Well, my
little man, where?" the boy replied, "_Please, sir, in our school
museum!_"
* * * * *
"SUFFIN' RED."--In Norwich tomatoes are called by the ordinary folk
"marters." This by way of prologue. A young curate spent twenty minutes
explaining to a young class what a martyr was. "Now," said he, "what is
a Martyr?" The answer he received and did not expect was: "_Please, sir,
suffin' red what you eat._"
* * * * *
"HE HASN'T TO EAT SWEETS."--"Now, Johnnie," said a teacher, "if I gave
you a dozen sweets and you divided them equally between your brother and
yourself, how many would you give him?" "_Please, sir, none sir! Cos'
mother says he hasn't to eat sweets when he has worms._"
* * * * *
HE KNEW.--H.M. Inspector (examining village school): "What is the
opposite of a 'spendthrift?'" No answer. "Well, what would you call a
man who sends you on errands and gives you nothing for going?" Boy:
"_Parson, sir._" [Confusion of parson who was present and had gained a
reputation for close-fistedness.]
* * * * *
JACK'S PRAYER.--Little Jack's father was visiting London and
Christmastide was approaching. He had promised to bring a toy train for
his little son as a present from Father Christmas. The day that the
father was to travel Jack prayed--
"God bless papa, and bring him home safely,
_And--and--and his luggage_!"
* * * * *
UNDER A NEW NAME.--First class had taken poetry for the year from
Scott's "Marmion." In repeating simultaneously, one girl, whose
understanding of the sense must have been very hazy, amused her
classmates by repeating instead of--
"Where's Harry Blount, Fitz-Eustace, where?"
"_Where's Harry Brown which used to swear?_"
* * * * *
THE RAISON D'ETRE OF THE NOSE.--At a visit of one of the inspectors a
"chat" had been going on with the babies about "The Elephant and its
Trunk," and at the finish the H.M.I. pounced upon the accepted duffer of
the class with "Now, my dear, you shall tell me what your nose is for,"
and was staggered with the reply, "_Us haves it to wipe, sir?_"
* * * * *
A GOOD REASON.--A short time ago a teacher was taking a lesson on the
use of the hyphen. Having written a number of examples on the
blackboard, the first of which was "bird-cage," he asked the boys to
give a reason for putting the hyphen between "bird" and "cage." After a
short silence one boy, who is among the dunces, held up his hand and
said, "_It is for the bird to perch on, sir._"
* * * * *
WHY THE KITTEN DIED.--Visit of grandma--both four-year-old twins at
once: "Grandma, Ninny's dead." Grandma, surprised and sorry, "Poor
Ninny, he must have been poisoned?" Great burst of grief from both
twins. Then a sudden lull from one of them. "Don't cry, Ella; don't cry
so much! '_He died to save us all!_'" [They had been to a children's
service with the maid on Good Friday.]
* * * * *
WHERE THE SNOW COMES FROM.--The other day a master visited the infant
room during a snowstorm. He was curious to know what ideas the little
ones had of snow, and questioned them about it. One little girl of five
volunteered the information that the snow was swept out of heaven. "But
how does it get into heaven?" asked the master. "Please, sir, _the
angels scratch it off their wings_," said the tiny tot.
* * * * *
BLISS.--_Teacher_ (word-building): "Quite right! L-i-s-s spells _liss_,
and if I put 'b' in front what word do I get?" _Small Boy_: "Bliss."
_Teacher_: "Yes; but that's a new word to you, and so I must tell you
what it means. It means _peace_ or _happiness_ or _comfort_. Now make me
a sentence containing this new word _bliss_." _Small Boy_: "My big
brother had a _blister_ on his toe."
* * * * *
FOR THE PSYCHOLOGIST.--Here are four replies that well repay
consideration:--
_Antidote_: A silly ant.
_Oblivious_: Without a liver.
_Sciatica_: A sigh from the head.
_Anchorite_: A good man who anchored himself to one place.
* * * * *
WHY HE LAUGHED.--The master of a school had been much annoyed by a trick
played upon him by one of his boys. At last he thought he had caught the
offender and severely chastised him. To his surprise, the boy, instead
of resenting the chastisement, burst out laughing. The master, in a tone
of anger mingled with surprise, said: "How dare you laugh, sir? Why are
you so doing?" The boy, trying hard to suppress his laughter, said:
"_Cos, please sir, you are hitting the wrong boy._"
* * * * *
THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.--A little Yorkshire patriot of ten years gave the
following written version of "God Save the King":--
"God save are greasure King, long
leave are noble King,
God save are King.
Sened are Victoria, happy
and glory us
God Save are King."
* * * * *
A MODEST REQUEST.--It was "play-time." Wordy warfare was being waged
between two cherubic little brothers of four and five summers. As the
teacher drew near:--"Please, teacher, can Stanley play on my harp?"
cried the bigger. "Yes, I shall! Yes, I shall!" taunted little Stanley,
dancing with mischievous joy. "But, Harold, you haven't a harp," said
the teacher. "When we're in Heaven!" he muttered fiercely. "_He says,
when we're in Heaven he shall play on my harp!_"
* * * * *
NOT SO FAR OUT.--At a recent visit of H.M.I. to an Essex school the
children were saying a piece of poetry entitled "The Wind in a Frolic."
In this piece occurs the line: "_So on it went capering and playing its
pranks._" The inspector stopped the class here, and asked the class to
tell him the meaning of capering, and also the name of any animal that
cuts capers. The answers given by several boys were a kitten, a pup, a
goat, a lamb, &c. However, a very happy thought struck one small boy,
who immediately put up his hand and said: "_A motor car!_"
* * * * *
THE BEAR SONG.--_Billie_ (aged four): "Mother dear, sing me the bear
song." The fond mother casting about in her mind for the song in
question, but to no avail, began to sing from her customary list in the
hope of hitting the right one, but her efforts were cut short by the
youngster's disapproval. The mother's list of songs becoming exhausted,
she changed from song to hymn, and her efforts were rewarded when she
reached the hymn, "Hark, my soul"; but not until the third verse was
being sung,
"Can a woman's tender care
Cease toward the child _she bare_,"
did this fond mother appreciate the bear song.
* * * * *
MORE WAYS THAN ONE.--The teacher was busy at his desk, trying to
discover the error which prevented the register from balancing, when a
youngster of seven years walked forward with his hand up. "What do you
want?" said the teacher, without turning round. "Please, sir, Jock
Broon's callin' me names," was the reply. "Oh, get away!" exclaimed the
teacher, again settling to his work. He had totalled up to near the top
of the column, when the same youngster again appeared and said: "Please,
sir, Jock's doing it again." The teacher was so annoyed at the second
interruption that he sharply reprimanded "Jock," and threatened to
punish him if he again repeated the offence. Turning to his desk, the
teacher made a determined effort to discover the error in the totals,
when his tormentor again appeared. Seizing the cane, the teacher turned
to him and demanded to know what he wanted. "_Please, sir, Jock's
whistlin' it_," he answered.
* * * * *
A MIXED GRILL.--The wife of a duke is a "ducky."
A veteran is "a man what does hosses."
Coolies are "men that live in cold countries."
Mailboats are "boats that only carry men."
A husbandman is "a man with two wives."
"The first words of Zacharias on recovering his speech were: 'I am
dumb.'"
Of course it was a boy who wrote that a graven image is "_an idle maid
with hands_."
"Six days shalt thy neighbour do all that thou hast to do."
* * * * *
"_THEY_ 'AD TO DO IT."--An inspector once asked a teacher during a
lesson in Mental Arithmetic if she ever allowed a pupil to propose
questions to the children. The teacher replied that she had done so.
H.M.I. then asked, "Who would like to ask the other children a
question?" Several hands went up instantly. "Come on, Tommy." Tommy
marched in front of his class with an air of importance and confidence,
born of experience, and blurted out: "A million articles at half-a-crown
each." _Inspector_: "Well, Tommy, what do you make it yourself?"
_Tommy_: "Please, sir, _they_ 'ad to do it, not me."
* * * * *
LITTLE JIM.--Some years ago a teacher was hearing a class read the poem
"Little Jim." He had been trying very hard to teach expressive reading.
The children had been brought almost to tears by hearing the teacher
read the verse describing the death scene, when he called on a boy to
read the verse describing the return of the dead child's father. The
reader evidently trusted too much to memory, for, in all earnestness and
with beautiful expression, he read--
"He saw that all was over
He knew the child was dead;
He took the candle in his hand
_And walked upstairs to bed._"
* * * * *
AN EXCELLENT REASON.--"Who," asked the teacher, "is your favourite
writer?" Johnnie answered, "Samuel." "Why?" replied the teacher.
"_Because_" answered Johnnie, "_I like to read about him!_"
* * * * *
WHY YOU COULDN'T.--As an exercise in composition upper standards had
occasionally to write what they could upon a given maxim. The one given
was: "You can't put old heads on young shoulders." One boy gave up his
paper to the master, who, upon scanning it, found the first sentence to
be as follows: "_Of course you can't, and if you did they wouldn't
fit._"
* * * * *
SOLD AGAIN.--During the annual examination the children in the Fifth
Standard were asked to give an example of a sentence containing more
than one subject. This, the inspector thought, would constitute a poser.
Instantly, however, up rose a ragged, shock-headed "hoyden," who
straightway began to quote from Browning's "Pied Piper":--
"'Great rats, small rats, lean rats, brawny rats,
Brown rats, black rats, grey rats, tawny rats,
Grave old plodders, gay young friskers,
Fathers, mothers, uncles, cousins,
Cocking tails and pricking whiskers,
Families by tens and dozens,
Brothers, sisters, husbands, wives,
Followed the Piper for their lives.'"
* * * * *
THE SCHOOL HOUSE WAS EXEMPT.--The master of a village school in the
vicinity of Dundee was in the habit of giving out an essay to be written
at home by the pupils of the first class. One Friday afternoon he gave
as the subject for the weekly exercise, "Local Events." At that time
scarlet fever was very prevalent in the district. One pupil of promising
parts took this fact for the subject of his essay. He dwelt on the sad
ravages which had taken place in the neighbourhood as the result of the
epidemic, and finished by saying how pleased he was that the dreadful
scourge had not visited the school house, "_for the Lord delighteth not
in the death of the wicked_."
* * * * *
A SYMPATHETIC RENDERING.--A boy in a Board School recently gave the
following rendering of the verse in the "Wreck of the _Hesperus_":--
"Then up and spake an old sailor,
Had sailed the Spanish main;
'I pray thee put into yonder port,
For I fear _the horrid cane_.'"
* * * * *
HEAVEN-SENT PHYSIC.--_The Diocesan Inspector_: "Now, my dear children,
tell me how Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed." _Sharp Boy_: "Brimstone
and treacle from heaven, sir."
* * * * *
A LESSON ON FRACTIONS.--_Teacher_ (giving lesson on fractions): "Here,
children, is a piece of meat; if I cut it in two, what shall I have?"
_Class (tutti)_: "Halves!" _Teacher_: "And if I cut my pieces again in
two, what do I get?" _Class (tutti)_: "Quarters!" _Teacher_: "And if I
again do the same?" _Class_ (half-chorus): "Eighths!" _Teacher_: "Good.
If we continue in the same way, what shall we have?" _Class_ (a duet):
"Sixteenths!" _Teacher_: "Very good. Let us cut our pieces once more in
two, what then shall we have?" _Class_: Several bars rest. Dead silence.
However, in the corner one pair of eyes twinkled. _Teacher_: "Well,
Johnny, what shall we have?" _Johnny_ (solo): "Mincemeat, ma'am!"
* * * * *
"DON'T BE AFRAID, FIDO."--A little dog was trembling with fear at the
high wind. Little Polly put her arms round it, saying: "Don't be afraid,
Fido; _all the hairs of your head are numbered_."
* * * * *
THE THING THAT THERE ISN'T.--"What is a nib?" asked a little reader of
four years. "Oh, I know!" said Dick; "_it is that thing that there isn't
when you buy a pen_."
* * * * *
A QUAINT PRAYER.--A dear little child was saying her prayers aloud
beside her mother's knee, and added a prayer on her own account: "Oh,
please, dear God, make me pure, _absolutely pure as Epps' cocoa_."
* * * * *
WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING.--Teacher: "Now, John, what did Moses do for a
living while he was staying with Jethro?" John: "_Please, sir, he
married one of his daughters._"
* * * * *
AN OLD FRIEND UNDER A NEW NAME.--The six-year-olds had been hearing the
story of the Good Samaritan. Teacher: "Who came along after the priest?"
Willie: "_Please, miss, the fleabite_."
* * * * *
WHAT BECOMES OF THE MOONS.--H.M.I.: "You have all heard of new moons,
full moons, and crescent moons. What becomes of the old moons?"
"_Please, sir, they are cut up to make stars_," was a girl's reply.
* * * * *
CUTE!--The teacher was questioning the class at the end of the
object-lesson on the "Cat." "How is it that pussy can see in the dark?"
said he. "_Because they feed her on lights_," answered the smart boy of
the class.
* * * * *
GROSS DARKNESS.--In reading from the Bible that gross darkness covered
the face of the earth, the teacher asked what gross darkness meant. The
top boy in mental arithmetic said: "_One hundred and forty-four times
darker than ordinary darkness._"
* * * * *
A NOVEL WEAPON.--"With what weapon did David slay the Philistines?"
asked the examiner. "Please, sir," answered a child, "_the axe of the
Apostles_."
* * * * *
FAITH.--"What is Faith?" asked the inspector. "_Faith_," replied a
ten-year-old, "_is that quality which enables us to believe what we know
to be untrue_."
* * * * *
A FISHING-NET.--"_A fishing-net_," wrote an ingenious Standard III. boy,
"_is a lot of little holes joined together by a bit of string_."
* * * * *
TOO LITERAL.--Teacher (to newly-joined pupil): "What's your name?" Boy:
"Smiff." Teacher: "Where do you come from?" Boy: "I dun'no." Teacher:
"Ever been to school before?" Boy (more brightly): "Yus." Teacher: "Was
it a Board School?" Boy: "_No, brick._"
* * * * *
EXCUSED (scarlet fever is bad in village).--Teacher: "Why did you stay
away from school yesterday?" "Please sir, muvver's ill." Teacher
(anxiously): "What does the doctor say it is?" "_Please sir, he says
it's a girl._"
* * * * *
DEFINING A PARABLE.--The definition usually taught for a parable is, "An
earthly story with a heavenly meaning." At an examination one boy wrote,
"A heavenly story with no earthly meaning."
* * * * *
JACOB'S DREAM.--There is an amusing and, I believe, a true story
concerning that wonderful dream of Jacob's and the angels going up the
ladder to heaven. "Please, sir," asked one of the boys in the class to
which the story was being rehearsed, "why did the angels want to go up
the ladder when they had wings?" This nonplussed the teacher, who took a
strategic movement to rear by saying, "Ah, yes! Why? Perhaps one of the
boys can answer that." And one _did_. "Please, sir," said he, "_because
they was a-moulting_."
* * * * *
W.H.S.B.--I am told that an inspector of schools recently asked a boy
attending one of the West Ham School Board's schools what the letters
W.H.S.B. carved over the door meant, and was at once informed "_What Ho!
She Bumps._"
* * * * *
A SUCCESSFUL FAILURE.--The following amazing and amusing attempt at
composition was the actual effort of a boy who was being examined for a
"full-time" exemption certificate. The inspector had told the children
to write _in their own words_ the substance of any story they had ever
read in their own reading-books. This is what the budding "full-timer"
produced: "A Fox and a Crow in porse I well no, many Good Things are
request a Crow having venchurd a Dairy too go found a nice peace of
chease which she flew in her beek to the top of a tree. A Fox just dined
for chease felt inclined. She saw her fly." Poor chap! he had tried to
reproduce the following:--
The fox and the crow,
In prose I well know,
Many good little girls can rehearse.
I think it will tell,
Pretty nearly as well
If we try the same fable in verse.
In a dairy a crow
Having ventured to go,
Some food for her young ones to seek,
Flew up in a tree,
With a fine piece of cheese,
Which she joyfully held in her beak.
A fox who lived by,
To the tree saw her fly,
And to share in the prize made a vow,
For having just dined,
He for cheese felt inclined,
So he went and sat under the bough.
"'Tis a very fine day."
Not a word did she say.
"The wind, I believe, ma'am, is south
A fine harvest for peas."
Then he looked at the cheese,
But the crow did not open her mouth.
Sly Reynard, not tired,
Her plumage admired,
How charming! how brilliant its hue!
The voice must be fine
Of a bird so divine,
"So pray, let me hear it, now do!
"Believe me, I long
To hear a sweet song."
The silly crow foolishly tries,
But she scarce gave one caw,
When the cheese she let fall,
And the fox ran off with the prize.
* * * * *
ESPECIALLY FOR ME.--Last Christmas I was distributing the prizes at the
Upper Kennington Lane Board School. I wound up with an exhortation to
the boys to be good during the coming year. Said I: "Now, boys, see that
when I come again next Christmas I shall hear an excellent account of
you, and shall not have to be told that you have got into any trouble or
mischief. "_Same to you, sir!_" shouted the whole school with one
accord. Whether this was quiet humour or a mechanical reply to the
time-honoured "Merry Christmas, boys!" which they had taken my final
words to imply I cannot say. But I am trying to live up to the
injunction as this little book attests.
* * * * *
THE ANIMAL KINGDOM.--Teacher: "Yes, children, we are animals. Quite
right. How do you know we are animals?" Tommy: "_Because it says we are
Jesus's lambs!_"
* * * * *
LOYAL SUBJECTS.--Teacher: "What did the angels sing when they came to
the shepherds?" Little One: "_God save our Gracious King!_"
* * * * *
NEED FOR CAUTION.--One morning the curate of the parish visited the
village school to conduct the usual morning service. He proceeded to
give a lesson to the upper standards on "Regeneration." He commenced by
asking the class if any of them could tell him the meaning of the word
"Regeneration," but no reply was forthcoming. It therefore fell to the
curate to define the word. He said, "Regeneration means to be born
again." Addressing himself to one little fellow, the curate said, "Now,
my little boy, wouldn't you like to be born again?" "No, I shouldn't,"
answered he. "For why?" asked the curate. The boy quickly responded,
"_Because I should be afraid of being a girl next time!_"
* * * * *
NOT TO BE BEATEN.--A short time ago a lady gave a children's party, to
which a little boy of four was invited. The next day he was giving some
account of the fun, etc., etc., and said that every little visitor had
contributed either song or recitation, music or dance, for the pleasure
of the rest. "Oh dear! Jack!" said his mother "How very unfortunate you
could do nothing!" Jack (with bravado): "Yes I could. I was not to be
beaten, _so I just stood up and said my prayers_!"
* * * * *
FOLD ARMS.--Inspector enters babies' room smiling. Inspector: "Now, all
look at me; I want you to be very good. What is it to be good?" Baby
hand rises. Inspector: "Well?" Baby: "Please, mam, to fold our arms."
Inspector: "Oh! How does that make you good?" Baby: "_Please, mam, it
keeps our bellies warm._"
* * * * *
SELF-POSSESSED.--She was four, and had just been promoted from the
babies' class. It was a "number" lesson, and the little maid was first
given three small blocks and then two others. "How many have you now?"
she was asked. "One and one make two," was the reply. "Yes, I know, but
I asked how many blocks you had now?" "One and one make two," was again
the answer. "Yes, but what do three and two make?" The little
arithmetician removed her thumb from her mouth, jerked it in the
direction of the small boys at the other side of the room, and said,
"_One o' them'll tell you._"
* * * * *
ONE REASON.--Vicar (catechising on cruelty): "Can any boy tell me what
those marvellous insects are that travel on tracks of their own making
in the woods?" Chorus: "Ants." Vicar: "Quite right. Now I have seen boys
cruel enough to stamp on the laborious ants. Should you do so?" Chorus:
"No, sir." Vicar: "Girls don't stamp on ants. Why not, Todd?" Todd:
"_Please, sir, 'cos they gets up their legs!_"
* * * * *
ROUGH ON THE SCHOOL-BOARD MAN.--Letter from parent: "Dear Miss,--Pleese
to scuse my Arry from a comin to scool this afternoon as 'e was nocked
down by a bycycle this mornin an I dont want none of them nosey old
scool bored men after me, from Mrs. ----."
* * * * *
WHY RACHEL WAS AWAY.--"Dear Madam,--Plese exkuse Rachel Abrams as she
had to go and fech her mother's liver."
* * * * *
'NUFF SAID.--A tiny tot in the babies' room was being scolded by her
teacher for having dirty hands. "You naughty girl! how dare you come to
school with those dirty hands?" With tears streaming down her face the
little tot answered, "_Pease, teacher, I ain't dot no more!_"
* * * * *
A SENSATIONAL OPENING.--Teacher giving object-lesson on "Mice" to
five-year-olds before H.M.I. introduces lesson by asking, "What animal
is it which, when you are in bed, comes out of its hole and runs about
the floor?" Five-year-old (in loud tones): "_It is the li-on!_"
* * * * *
EXCUSED.--"Plese sur mister will you escus Charlee not been to scool as
he as got no trouses and is farther wont let him come without--your
torueley Mrs. B----."
* * * * *
THE PHARISEES.--By a small Londoner: "The Fareses was a very minjy,
measley lot. One day one of them gave Our Lord a penny, and Our Lord
held it out in His hand and looked at it with scorn, and said, '_Whose
subscription is this?_'"
* * * * *
"ON SATDY."--Composition exercise by a nine-year-old: "On Satdy I do all
the work, and then I go over and do all my Ants, in the afternoon I take
Missis greens baby out in the Pram, i get a apeny on Satdy, sumtimes I
by bulls i's. On Satdy nite I have a baf and wate up for my farther."
* * * * *
THE SOUL OF WIT.--The teacher had given to each of a junior class a
simple and familiar subject for composition. For twenty minutes the
class composed, and was composed. The genius of the little group had
been instructed to write about "Our Cat." The result of his twenty
minutes deep cogitation and tremendous effort was the following essay,
almost matchless for brevity, clearness, completeness, and, moreover,
depth of pathos: "_Our cat is dead!_"
* * * * *
A BIT ON EACH WAY.--Some lads who were beginning to write composition
were told to write an essay on the horse. One lad had given a good
description of the animal and wished to write something about its tail.
He wrote the following sentence: "_The horse sometimes has a long tail
or tale._" When asked why he had written down the two words he replied
that "he thought that if one was marked wrong the other would sure to be
right."
* * * * *
THE EXCEPTION.--The Tenth Commandment, up to date, as given at a recent
Scripture examination by a lad of seven summers: "Thou shalt not covet
my nabours wife, thou shalt not covet my nabours house, nor his servant
nor his made nor his ox nor is ass nor anything but is ears."
* * * * *
SEE THAT YE FALL NOT OUT.--Down in Hampshire a curate was giving a
Scripture lesson on Joseph and his brethren. He asked the boys why
Joseph said, "See that ye fall not out by the way." A boy from a
neighbouring village, used to riding about the farm, replied, "_Cause
they had no tailboord to the caart._"
* * * * *
IT IS POSSIBLE.--During a Scripture lesson, which was being taken by a
clergyman, some boys were asked each to give a text from the Bible. One
lad said, "And Judas went and hanged himself." "Well!" said the reverend
gentleman, "that is hardly a good text," and, pointing to another lad,
asked _him_ to give a text, and the lad said, "_Go thou and do
likewise!_"
* * * * *
INDIGNATION.--The following story is an amusing instance of the way in
which boys mix their stories historical or scriptural. When asked for
the reply of Naaman the leper to the command to wash seven times in
Jordan, a boy gave the answer as, "_Is thy servant a dog that he should
do this thing?_"
* * * * *
NO ROOM FOR THE CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR.--A short time ago a teacher was
giving a lesson on the Birth of Christ, when she referred the class to
the 9th chapter of Isaiah, and verse 6, which reads: "For unto us a
Child is born, unto us a Son is given, _and the government shall be upon
His shoulder_," &c. Here the teacher asked what was meant by the
government being upon His shoulder. One child, holding up her hand,
said, "_Please, teacher, it means that the child Jesus will have to be
vaccinated._"
* * * * *
THE WIDOW AGAIN.--The teacher had been giving a lesson on Magna Charta,
during the course of which he tried to impress on the children the
benefits certain Articles conferred on Englishmen at the present day. He
especially drew attention to Article 20, and called upon a boy at the
close of the lesson to repeat that Article. Boy: "No freeman, merchant,
or villain, shall be excessively fined for a small offence; the first
shall not be deprived of his means of livelihood; the second of his
merchandise; and the third of his _implements of husbandry_." Teacher:
"Can anyone tell me the name of an implement of husbandry." Little Girl:
"_Please, sir! a widow._"
* * * * *
THOUGHTFUL.--Billy, an urchin of five, going to school, takes an apple
from his pocket, spits on it, and rubs it vigorously on his dirty and
ragged trousers. "Hallo, Billy! What are you doing that for?" Billy
(holding up apple and looking pleased): "_'Tis for taicher. Her wont ait
un if he's dirty._"
* * * * *
THE CORRECT THING TO SAY.--Town lad's composition on "A Half-holiday":
"Yesterday we had a half-holiday and I enjoyed myself very much. After
dinner I did the knives and forks and cleaned the windows and the boots.
Then a boy came round with a football and wanted me to go to the park
with him. But I could not go because my mother was going out and I had
to mind the baby. When she came home we had tea, and then I went to my
place and took out orders till nine o'clock. Then I went to bed and came
to school this morning. I enjoyed myself very much."
* * * * *
SUBJECT TO A PROVISO.--Composition by boy, age seven. _Time._--Morning
previous to half-holiday for the opening of Kew Bridge by the King.
_Subject._--What I shall do this afternoon. "Wen I have had my diner I
shall call for Bob Scott and his mother mite let me play tops with him
in there yard. Then we shall go on the Common to here the band, and _if
my tea is not ready I will wait to see the King go by_ and I will wave
my cap at him and I expect he will wave his at me."
* * * * *
THE RAIN AND THE UNJUST.--A smart boy's composition on rain: "Rain comes
down from heaven on the just and the unjust, but mostly upon the just,
because the unjust have borrowed the umbrellas of the just and have
forgotten to return them."
* * * * *
A SURPRISING PRAYER.--"How do we pray for the magistrates in the
Litany?" asked the Vicar. "That it may please Thee to bless and keep the
magistrates, giving them grace to execute _all Bishops, Priests, and
Deacons_," answered the unconscious boy.
* * * * *
THE "EGG-CUPS."--I had set the class, writes a teacher, an essay to
write on "Good Manners." They had to think about it one evening and
write it the next day in school. When correcting the exercise I came
upon the following: "_When you have the egg-cups it is good manners to
put your hand before your mouth and say, 'Manners before ladies and
gentlemen.'_"
* * * * *
BALAAM AND THE ASS.--The story as reproduced in a South London boy's
essay: "It was about an owld gentleman as was a-wallopin' of a donkey
and as the donkey was stupied he whached it with a stick, the donkey ran
agin a wall and squeezed the gentlemans leg and he walloped it then and
no mistake and serve it right. Then the donkey began to speak and told
him, and told him he was wicked to serve him in that ere style, and a
angel come down and took sides with the donkey and preached a sarmint to
the owld gentleman and they all went away jolly."
* * * * *
AN EXCUSE FOR LATE ARRIVAL AT SCHOOL.--The village tailor sent a note to
the schoolmaster as his son James was very late one afternoon. The
following is the effusion:--
"Schoolmaster dear don't cane the youth,
He's not in fault to tell the truth,
His mother is the greatest sinner.
She would not give the _kid_ his dinner."
* * * * *
DROPPED INTO POETRY.--The following reply, writes a teacher, was
received by me some years ago from a parent, evidently of a poetical
turn of mind, in answer to an inquiry as to the cause of his boy's
absence from school:--
"I'm full of wants and minus riches,
Truth is, William has no breeches,
I mean to buy a pair to-night,
To-morrow he will come all right.
Accept this plain apology
From, dear Sir, ever yours, E. B."
On another occasion I suspected William of truant-playing, and sent a
boy to make inquiry, when immediately came back the answer:--
"At one p.m. was sent to school,
So must have played the nick,
If thrashing truants is a rule,
With my leave, use the stick."
William is now a hard-working and well-known missionary in ----.
* * * * *
FOUND OUT.--A school attendance officer quite recently met a lad who,
instead of being at school, was wending his way to a public-house for a
pint of beer. "How is it you are not at school, my boy?" said the man of
law. "It's washing day, and I'm going for a pint of ale for my mother."
He let the boy go on his errand and walked straight to the lad's house.
"Good morning, Mrs. So-and-so. How is it your boy is not at school this
morning?" "Ah! bless you," she says, "the poor lad's ill in bed, and has
been the past two days. I'm afraid we shall never rear him, for you see
he's been delicate ever sin he was born." "Can I see him?" returned the
officer. "Certainly, if you'll wait a minute till I see if he's awake.
He's had a bad night, and I should not like to disturb him if he's
asleep." The good lady went on tiptoe to the foot of the stairs and
called out very softly, "Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, are you awake?"
Returning to the attendance officer she said, "You see, Mr. Schoolboard,
Johnny's asleep, and it would be such a pity to disturb him." Just as
she finished, in walks Johnny with the pint of beer. The old lady, to
make the best of a bad job, threw up her hands and exclaimed, "_My dear
Johnny, how did you get out? What a bad lad to get out of the bedroom
window again, after all I've said!_"
* * * * *
A TRIFLE INCONSISTENT.--An excited woman rushed into school one morning
holding a lad by the jacket collar. The moment she got inside she
shouted out, "Now, master, here's a lad that's been playing the wag
[truant], and I don't intend to leave this blessed spot until I see him
skinned. Please, master, skin him alive! _I must see him skinned!_" she
said. To make the best of a serious case, the master replied, "Well, I
don't skin till ten o'clock, and it is only a quarter past nine yet, so
you had better sit down till I'm ready." She took a seat, still holding
the lad by the collar, and he went to his desk. In about five minutes
she sent the boy to his class, and coming up to the master, whispered
very softly into his ear: "_Please, master, don't touch the poor lad,
he's so delicate, you could almost blow him away with a breath!_"
* * * * *
JOHNNY WORKED THE CLOCK.--"Plese Sir dont cain pore jonny he as been
keping the clock agoing with a stick cos is father mendid it an it wont
go now an jonny kep the clock agoing so as I would no the time so no
more as it leaves me at present. ----."
* * * * *
BLURTED OUT THE TRUTH.--A mother came with a truant one morning and
said, "Please excuse my boy, he has been ill the last fortnight." The
master said, "Very good, let him go to his class." The woman then turned
suddenly round and, seizing the lad by the jacket, gave him a good
shaking, saying at the same time, "_I'll break every bone in your
dirty carcase if I've to come again and tell a pack of lies like this
for you._"
* * * * *
THE POINT OF VIEW.--Overheard in infants playground. Little Girl: "_It's
my grannie's funeral to-day. I've got threepence halfpenny and a packet
of sweets already._"
* * * * *
A TRIFLE MIXED.--Poor Johnny had been on an errand for his mother and
was consequently late for school. His mother, in order to coax him,
prepared to write a note to his teacher explaining his lateness. The
look on Johnny's face made the mother somewhat dubious about Johnny's
going to school, and this is how the note read: "Dear Sir,--Please
excuse Johnny for being late, _and kindly let me know if he hasn't
been_."
* * * * *
SHE WAS SORRY.--A boy was absent from school. The teacher sent to his
home to ask the reason. The answer came back that he was playing
truant--sent by the mother. The next day the master made inquiries, and
found that the mother had sent this message because she did not wish the
boy's father, who was at home when the messenger arrived, to know that
_she_ had kept him at home. During this time the boy himself was hidden
in a cupboard. A few weeks after a similar occurrence happened, and a
like answer was sent to the master by the mother. The next day the boy
appeared with the following note: "Sir,--Sorry my boy was away
yesterday, but he had to go to the hospital and was kept, and I never
sent him yesterday, and _I was sorry to tell a lye like last time.
Please forgive me again._--Mrs. ----."
* * * * *
"THE LAVENDER."--"_Deer Sur,--Plese let Jon go to the lavender wen hever
he wants as he as had some metson._--Yours truly, Mrs. ----."
* * * * *
"RES ANGUSTA DOMI."--In a village school in Devonshire the master had
one morning been giving a lesson on the life of Jacob. Just as he was
concluding he asked whether Jacob was rich or poor. Some stated that he
was rich, while others held a contrary view. Eventually one of the lads
who had stated that Jacob was poor was asked for his reason, and he
replied as follows: "Please, sir, the Bible says Jacob slept with his
fathers, and if he had been a rich man _he would have had a bed to
his-self_."
* * * * *
THE POSTMAN.--"The postman has to be up erly in the morning to meet the
males at the station. Then he takes them to the G.P.O. where they are
soughted out. Then he ties up his streets in bungles, and goes quickly
from door to door, because the passengers dont' like to have their
letters delaid. On his way back, he collects the pillow boxes, and
conveys them to the G.P.O. Inside the postmen they are stamping letters.
The postman is a simple servent because he works for the goverment and
wear a uniform. He has a good time at Xmas I should like to be a postman
then. He gets plenty of Xmas boxes and can read all the picture
postcards."
* * * * *
EXACTLY.--The other week Standard V. were asked to write an essay on "My
Home." This is how one boy commenced: "Our house is in Peel Green Road.
_It is on the left side going up, and the right side coming down._"
* * * * *
ON GIRLS.--By a boy.--"There are two sorts of children, boys and girls
and of the two boys are the best. Girls cause all the rows and quarrels.
They think they are wonderful if they can get a bird's feather stuck in
their hat. They are proud and vain and are always gossipping and making
mischief. I simply hate them. They boast of what they can do, this that
and the other and a fat lot it is when it comes to the put. If there
were no girls and women in the world, it would be a very peaceful place.
They love to sit and rest. Girls do vary from day to day. On washing
days they think they are nearly killed. They would rather gossip half a
day, than walk half a mile. Its no good, they are a bad race and
deceitful. If your wife sells anything she keeps a shilling back. Girls
like to wear rings and think they are ladies. They bob their hair on the
top like mountains and wears a fringe to make us boys think they are
pretty, but aint they just deceived. The young men have a hard job to
find a good and hard working wife in these days. Girls are cowards and I
never knew one to face danger. If a cow looks at them they run and cry.
Boys go about with their eyes open and their mouths shut, just the
opposite to girls. Boys are also strong and useful while girls are
timid, frightened weak little creatures. I would not be a girl for £10."
* * * * *
"YOUR GRACE."--A certain duchess, well known for the interest she takes
in the progress of education, once visited a school in L---- and began
to talk freely to a mite in the first standard. Several questions were
put to the child, to which the latter replied, "Yes, ma'am," or "No,
ma'am." The teacher of the class was annoyed at the frequency with which
the scholar used the word "ma'am," and at last said, "You must say 'Your
Grace.'" The duchess laughed heartily when the child began, "_Lord, make
us truly thankful, &c._"
* * * * *
ABOUT A "CINMATTERGRAF."--"We had a grand cinmattergraf at school on
November 30th by Eddyston. Eddyston is America man. He invented to make
it. Cinmattergraf works very fonny. If you swing a stone round it is in
your eye a tenth of a cetend after you have stopet. If you are in a dark
room and somebody brings a light it is in your eye a tenth of a cetend.
The cinmattergraf is like a fonagrapt. It is like a mager lantin. A
cinmattergraf is eaquil to five thousand candles. The ribbing rowls off
one rowler on to another rowler. The cinmattergraf was worked by angle.
It is like a soingnmersheen. It will play any song. The cinmattergraf
talks like people. You cant understand what a gramophone says. When you
light the oxgin it not give much light. When one of the things is burken
the other blows in and it give bleu light. When the man shows the foters
he has to put the lamp out. Because if he does not put the lamp out the
pictures look shady. It is the light which helps to show the pictures.
The pictures on the cinmattergraf are only an inch big. One picture that
it showed was a woman laughting, and you could see every form her mouth
was in. When all the pictures were put together they were a quarter of a
mile long."
* * * * *
CONCERNING THE HORSE.--Standard III. boy's essay: "The horse does not
belong to the cat tribe, because its paws are hoofs. It breathes with
its gills when it is young and chews the cud just like other people.
There are many kinds of horses such as racer horses and hunters and
worker horses and little welsh ponies. A mule is a horse with long ears
and if a horse had long ears it would be called a donkey. You can see
the age of a horse if you look in its mouth. It is defensive with its
hind legs and when they kick you, you say, Woe."
* * * * *
THE RETORT COURTEOUS.--One of my boys, writes a friend, had his hair
notched in a disgraceful manner one morning, and I quietly asked him who
cut it. The accompanying note was the result: "from missus
----,--sir--as you seam so anshus to no wear my boy ad is air cut i wish
to tell you that i put im in the cole seller al larst nite so as the
rats cood nibbel hit horf and i cood save tuppence."
* * * * *
ON THE BABY.--"A baby is a man or woman as they first enter the world,
and is sometimes called a infant, and they bring plenty of joy to its
parents. Babies need much care because the bones are not strong enough
for the baby to be used naturally. When a baby is a few months old a
malecart is wanted so as to give it some fresh air, and it as to be
nursed till it can crawle about on the flour. Most women like babies
very much and wouldn't do without them. When first it is born it is very
teisey and begins to cry, and they are enough to make anyone mad. It
also needs a lot of care, for it will enhail any disease. Baby is the
pet of the family, especially mother, who if the baby is a boy he
becomes her darling boy in after years. When baby is about four years
old it is briched if it is a boy, but if a girl she remains in her same
clothes. To look after a baby is very awkard if you ain't used to it,
for they jump and kick and have to be carefully handled. It is crisined
when it is old enough to eat solid food. Some babies are very tiresome
and have to be nutritiously looked after. My father told me that he came
in a little blue box, but learned men say we came from monkeys. If the
mother trys to learn it to walk very early it will make them bandy. My
baby is a dear little thing!"
* * * * *
"To keep milk from turning sour you should leave it in the cow."--JANE,
aged 10.
* * * * *
"The Duke of Marlborough was a great general, who always fought with a
fixed determination to win or lose."--OUR SAMMY, aged 11.
* * * * *
"The name of Cæsar's wife was Cæsarea. She was above suspicion."--SMALL
BOY'S HISTORY PAPER.
* * * * *
EXCUSED!
TEACHER: "Why did you stay away yesterday, Jimmy?"
JIMMY: "Please, sir, muvver's ill!"
TEACHER: "Oh! that's bad! What does the doctor say it is?"
JIMMY: "Please, sir, he says it's a girl!"
* * * * *
FOND MOTHER: "Charley, do you know God's other name?"
CHARLEY: "Yes, mamma, we learnt it to-day. Harold be Thy name!"
* * * * *
PARENTAL NOTE: "Dear Sir,--Don't hit our Johnny. We never do it at home
except in self-defence!"
* * * * *
HEAD MASTER: "How did God bless Abraham?"
SMALL BOY (in whose home there has just been a Double Event): "By giving
him only one baby at a time!"
* * * * *
MISTRESS: "Why is a motor-car called 'She'?"
SMALL BOY: "Because it is driven by a man!"
* * * * *
TEACHER: "Now, Frank, if you are not a good boy you won't go to heaven."
FRANK: "Oh, well! I went with father in Mr. B.'s yacht, and I went to
the circus. A little boy can't expect to go everywhere!"
* * * * *
H.M. INSPECTOR: "If I dig right down through the earth, where shall I
come to?"
SMALL BOY (who has been commended at the Diocesan Examination): "The
devil and all his works!"
* * * * *
TEACHER: "What is a Mediator?"
SMALL BOY: "A chap who says hit me instead!"
* * * * *
JUVENILE COMPLAINTS.
(AS DESCRIBED IN PARENTAL EXCUSE NOTES.)
"New Roger" }
} Neuralgia.
"Real Raw Jaw" }
"Piper's Dance"--St. Vitus Dance.
"Haricot Veins"--Varicose Veins.
"Double Demoniacks"--Double Pneumonia.
"Scarlet Concertina"--Scarletina.
"Illustrated Throat"--Ulcerated Throat.
"Information of the Eye"--Inflammation of the Eye.
[AND SO ON.]
* * * * *
TEACHER: "What is luke-warm water?"
SMALL GIRL: "Water that lukes warm but isn't!"
* * * * *
TEACHER: "Now, little ones, you can take off your warm overcoats. Can
the bear take his off?"
LITTLE ONES: "No, miss!"
TEACHER: "Why not?"
DELIGHTED LITTLE ONE: "Because only God knows where the buttons are!"
* * * * *
"The anshent Britons painted themselves all over blue with the juce
obtained from the tree o nolledge of Good and Evil."--FROM HARRY'S
COMPOSITION EXERCISE.
* * * * *
TEACHER: "What is a widow?"
LITTLE GIRL: "A lady what marries the lodger!"
* * * * *
TEACHER: "What is this?"
YOUNG HOPEFUL: "A picture of a monkey."
TEACHER: "Can any child tell me what a monkey can do?"
YOUNG HOPEFUL: "Please, teacher, a monkey can climb up a tree."
TEACHER: "Yes, and what else can a monkey do?"
YOUNG HOPEFUL: "Please, teacher, climb down again!"
* * * * *
BOY (reading): "She threw herself into the river. Her husband,
horror-stricken, rushed to the bank----"
TEACHER (interposing): "What did he run to the bank for?"
BOY: "To get the insurance money!"
* * * * *
H.M. INSPECTOR: "If twenty feet of an iceberg be _above_ the water,
about how much is _below_ the water?"
JIM: "All the rest!"
* * * * *
TOMMY: "Mamma, who made the lions and the elephants?"
MAMMA: "God, my dear."
TOMMY: "And did He make the flies, too?"
MAMMA: "Yes, my dear."
TOMMY (after a period of profound reflection): "Fiddlin' work making
flies!"
* * * * *
TEACHER: "Why cannot we hear the bear walk about?"
CHILD IN LANCASHIRE TOWN: "Because it hasn't got no clogs on!"
* * * * *
H.M. Inspector was examining a class of infants on the value of money.
He held up a threepenny-piece and a penny. "Now, my children, which
would you rather have, this small piece of money or the large one?" A
little one held up her hand. "Well?" "Please, sir, the large one." "And
why would you rather have the large one?" "Because my mother would make
me put the threepenny-bit in my money-box, but I could spend the penny."
* * * * *
Tommy is in the Second Standard, and aged eight. The class was asked to
write a short letter to teacher describing their doings on Guy Fawkes
night. He began in right good style with the orthodox "Dear Miss C----."
Everything went quietly till the close. It was then that Tommy shone. He
wound up: "I remain, your loving son in who I am well pleased,----"
* * * * *
"Manners is a very good thing when you are trying for a
situation."--FROM JAMES HENRY'S COMPOSITION.
* * * * *
The essay was upon "Dreams." One boy who has a great dread of arithmetic
dreamt he was in heaven, where his teacher kept calling out, "No sums
right, stand up!"
* * * * *
TEACHER: "Well, well, James! Home lesson sums all wrong!"
JAMES: "Yes, teacher. I knew they would be. Father would help me!"
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Transcriber Notes:
Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_.
Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS.
Throughout the document, the oe ligature was replaced with "oe".
Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of
the speakers. Those words were retained as-is.
The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up
paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. Thus
the page number of the illustration might not match the page number in
the List of Illustrations, and the order of illustrations may not be the
same in the List of Illustrations and in the book.
Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected
unless otherwise noted.
On page 9, a period was added after "CHAPTER I".
On page 19, "ithers" was replaced with "others".
On page 40, a period was added after "Standard VII".
On page 54, a period was added after "are grisle".
On page 64, "sanwiches" was replaced with "sandwiches".
On page 64, "apetites" was replaced with "appetites".
On page 71, a single quotation mark after "_Cast out a devil, sir!_" was
replaced with a double quotation mark.
On page 98, a period was added after "hot nor cold".
On page 107, a period was added after "B".
On page 119, a quotation mark was added before "is your favorite
writer".
On page 120, a single quotation mark was added after "their lives".
On page 129, a single quotation mark after "sweet song" was replaced
with a double quotation mark.
On page 132, a single quotation mark before "How many" was replaced with
a double quotation mark.
On page 148, "an errand" was replaced with "on an errand".
On page 153, "November th 30" was replaced with "November 30th".
In the first advertisement, a period was added after "Field".