A BUDGET OF QUAINT DEFINITIONS.
TEACHER: "_Name the head of the English Church._"
ALFRED THE SMALL: "_The Archipelago of Canterbury!_"
I shall endeavour, as far as possible, to classify my collection of
stories. And in pursuance of this purpose I cannot, perhaps, do better
than start out with some quaint definitions.
* * * * *
WITH A RING OF TRIUMPH.--A class of infants was being taught a
recitation in which the word "battledore" occurred. The teacher asked if
any child knew the meaning. Only one child raised his hand, and, with a
ring of triumph in his voice, gave the answer: "_A door what a soldier
comes out of._"
* * * * *
"WHAT THEY CALL A WATERSHED."--Asked to write a definition of "A
Watershed" one potential Christopher Columbus wrote: "A watershed is a
thing that when the soil in part of a river stands straight up on one
side and slants tremendously the other side, the water is obliged to go
up the soil on one side and come slanting down the other side--that is
what they call a watershed."
* * * * *
A NEW VIEW OF THE CONSTITUTION.--"A Limited Monarchy," wrote a small
boy, "is a government by a monarchy, who in case of bankruptcy would not
be responsible for the entire national debt. In private life you have
the same thing with a Limited Liability Company."
* * * * *
CONCERNING THE HERETIC.--"A Heretic," wrote a practical young person,
"is one who never would believe what he was told, but only after seeing
it and hearing it himself with his own eyes."
* * * * *
NOT SO FAR OUT.--"The Court of Chancery," wrote another, "is called this
because they take care of property there on the chance of an owner
turning up."
* * * * *
SHORT TITLE AND DESCRIPTION.--"The Five Mile Act was passed," according
to one youthful historian, "by Queen Victoria to prevent loafing and
drunkenness in public-houses. People must prove that they had travelled
five miles before they would be supplied with beer and spirits. This
made people ashamed to get so drunk as before." The youthful essayist is
clearly muddling "the _bona fide_ traveller" clause with the provisions
of a much more ancient statute.
* * * * *
ROUGH ON THE BARBER.--Teacher (after class had read of St. Paul's
adventures among the "barbarians of Melita"): "What is a Barbarian?"
Pupil: "_A man who cuts hair, sir!_"
* * * * *
A NEW AXIOM.--In the Euclid lesson the teacher asked, after explaining
the meaning of An Axiom, if a boy could give one of his own. A lad
replied: "_When you are in the middle you are half-way over._" And who
shall say him nay?
* * * * *
A MEDIATOR.--"Well, John," asked the master, "what is a Mediator?"
John's face beamed knowingly: "_A fellow who says hit me instead!_" he
promptly retorted.
* * * * *
B.A.!--During a reading lesson, taken from Standard III. Historical
Reader, the pupil teacher asked what the letters "B.C." represented. On
receiving the answer "Before Christ," she ventured to improve the
opportunity by asking for the meaning of other abbreviations, amongst
which was B.A. A little girl at once said: "_Before Adam!_"
* * * * *
ETC.!--"What do we imply when we use this abbreviation?" asked the
teacher. "_It is a sign_," said a young one very sententiously, "_which
is used to make believe you know more than you really do!_"
* * * * *
"PAINTED ON THE WATER-CARTS."--"What is a Martyr?" asked the inspector.
"_A water-cart._" "A water-cart?" "_Yes, sir._" The inspector was
puzzled; but after long cogitation he recalled the fact that he was in
the parish of St. George the Martyr. This parish does its own
contracting, and the boy has seen "_St. George the Martyr_" _painted on
the water-carts_.
* * * * *
WHAT IS A ZEBRA?--A class of Standard II. in a small town in
Westmoreland was once questioned about the zebra. There seemed to be a
great lack of knowledge about it, and the young teacher strove with
heroic patience to draw some answer from his pupils. Great was the
delight of both teacher and class on receiving the following apt
definition from one of their number: "_Please, sir, it's like a donkey
with a Kendal Hornet's jersey on._"
* * * * *
"JOGRAPHY."--"Well, little boys, and what _is_ Geography?" beamed the
inspector, after getting correctly some names of rivers, mountains, &c.
No answer for two minutes by the clock. Then one timid hand is raised in
answer to the question: "_Please, sir, jography is a ball on which we
live!_" This recalls the story of the boy who was asked for a proof that
the world is round. His answer was: "_It says in the Bible, World
without end!_"
* * * * *
TRUE BOTH WAYS.--Some years ago, writes a teacher, I used to take
Standard I. on Wednesday afternoons for a talk on the subject of
Geography. I had on one occasion a magnet and a compass, and was amusing
the little ones with the magnet. They seemed to have some idea of the
meaning and use of the compass, and it occurred to me whether they knew
what a mariner was, so I asked them. No answer. After some time one
precocious very small boy ventured: "_Please, sir, it's a young man what
goes after a young ooman_." [Query: "_a-marrying her._"]
* * * * *
TOUCHING THE EQUATOR.--"What," demanded the inspector, "is the Equator?"
"The Equator," said one ingenious hopeful, "is a _menagerie lion_
running round the centre of the earth."
* * * * *
ABOUT THE STRETCHER.--A London infant school. The Raising of the Widow's
Son. Illustrations, Religious Tract Society Scripture Roll. Story told
by teacher. Pointing to the bier: "What is he lying on?" _Ans._: "A
stretcher."--_Ques._: "What _is_ a stretcher?" _Ans._: "_Wot lydies
rides on when they gets drunk!_"
* * * * *
TEN BRIEF ONES.--"The Chartists were men who compelled King John to
sign Magna Charta."--"The Luddites were shells fired by the
Boers."--"Sir Joseph Chamberlain invented fiscal policy, and
generally wears an orchard in his coat."--"By the Salic Law no woman
can become King."--"Wat Tyler was the leader of the Pheasants'
Revolt."--"The Channel Islands consist of Jersey, Gansey, Alderman,
and Shark."--"_Quid pro quo_ means paying a sovereign for goods of
the given value!"--"Poetry is when every line begins with a capital
letter."--"Parliament is a place where they go up to London _to talk
about Birmingham_!"--"The principal parts of the eye are the pupil, the
moat, and the beam."
* * * * *
SOME INGENIOUS ONES.--_Ques._: "What are Bacteria?" _Ans._: "A kind
of chair for invalids."--_Ques._: "What is meant by the term
_celestial pole_?" _Ans._: "_A heavenly perch._"--_Ques._: "Which is
the first and great Commandment?" _Ans._: "_Hang all the law and the
prophets!_"--_Ques._: "What is Lava?" _Ans._: "The stuff a barber puts
on your face."--_Teacher_ (pointing to an _oblique_ line): "What kind
of line is that?" _Scholar_: "A _hori-slant-al_ line."--_Teacher_:
"What does the abdomen contain?" _Scholar_: "The stomach, liver, and
_interestines_."--_Teacher_: "What did the doctor say about your
throat?" _Scholar_: "He said I must not eat any _solemn_
food."--_Teacher_: "Who was Guy Fawkes?" _First Pupil_: "Guy Fox was a
man who tried to destroy Parliament." (Girl's answer.) _Second Pupil_:
"Guy Forks is a man made by another man." (Boy's answer.)--_Teacher_:
"Say what you know about Columbus." _Scholar_: "Columbus saw two
blue-eyed Saxon boys in the market-place to be sold as slaves.
He turned away with his heart full of thoughts."--_Ques._: "Who
is Mr. Chamberlain?" _Ans._: "A man who broke out among other
people."--_Ques._: "What is a Bay?" _Ans._: "A Bay's a piece of land,
which the sea has washed away and made a hollow."--_Ques._: "Who were
the Lollards?" _Ans._: "The Lollards were men who used to sing in the
streets."--_Ques._: "Who was Cardinal Wolsey?" _Ans._: "Cardinal Wolsey
was a haughty prelate. He permitted his hat to be carried before him on
a cushion."--_Ques._: "Who was Cranmer?" _Ans._: "Cranmer was Archbishop
of Oxford University, and was burnt at a steak."--_Ques._: "In what
character was Mrs. Scott-Siddons painted by Gainsborough?" _Ans._: "The
tragic mouse."--_Ques._: "What do you understand by the Salic Law?"
_Ans._: "The Salic Law forbade any man descended from a woman inheriting
the throne."--_Ques._: "What are the chief mountains of Scotland?" Ans.:
"Ben Nevis, Ben Lomond, and Ben Jonson."--_Ques._: "How many senses have
we? Name them." _Ans._: "We have two senses, wrong and right."--_Ques._:
"How is silence expressed in music?" _Ans._: "Silence in music is
expressed by putting your feet on the paddles."--_Ques._: "What is a
blizzard?" _Ans._: "The inside of a fowl."