_Lincoln and Meagher._
On Lincoln’s receiving a dispatch from Meagher, the Irish General,
stating that he had succeeded in capturing an entire division of the
seceders, the president remarked that “it was good news, if true; but
he suspected it was _Meagher_ (mere) humbug!”
_Hooker’s Appointment._
When Seaward proposed that fighting Joe Hooker should have the command
of an entire brigade, Lincoln expressed an approval upon the ground
that they “must win by Hook-_er_ by Crook” (hook or by crook).
_Cut Cavendish._
Upon being interrogated why Americans used so much tobacco, Abe replied
“because they _chews_” (choose).
_Commodore Wilks._
When the president heard of the capture of Slidell and Mason on board
the _Trent_, he foresaw that it would be likely to breed a rupture with
England, but dismissed the consideration of it by saying that “should
the commander’s foolish conduct place him in difficulties, he would not
fail to give Wilks a _hoister_ (an oyster).” On another occasion in
alluding to the same personage and affair, he remarked that “it would
serve _Wilks_ right if he lost his _place_” (plaice).
_A proper Cognomen._
When Captain Frye, the son of Canon Frye, was, for his distinguished
bravery at the Battle of Bull’s Run, jokingly alluded to by Sumner
as a son of a gun. Old Abe remarked that “he could with far greater
propriety call him a son of a _Canon_” (cannon).
_A Princely Pun._
Upon hearing that our Prince, Alfred, had declined to become King of
the Greeks, Abraham remarked that “the reason he did not mount the
throne of Greece was because he preferred his own native _isle_” (oil).
_A Severe Retort._
General Grant once applied for permission to be employed in a special
service on the ground that he commanded none but tried men. “Yes,”
replied the president, “I admit the truthfulness of your plea, for if
they have not been tried in the field they have been _tried_ elsewhere!”
_Conundrum._
“Come, Chase,” said Lincoln, on one occasion while sitting
_tete-a-tete_ with the great American financier, “I will give you a
conundrum: Why is a man who deals in stale jokes like a stock-jobber?”
After sundry ineffectual attempts upon the part of his friend to find
an answer, the presidential joker gave the following for a reply:
“Because he deals in _fun dead_ (funded) property.”
_A Grumbler Answered._
A certain well-known American grumbler once appeared before the
president to obtain the dismissal of General Grant upon the ground of
drunkenness. “Why,” exclaimed the faultfinder, “he, on one occasion,
drank twelve bottles of wine at a sitting.” “That,” said Lincoln, “is
more than I can swallow.”
_Loquacity._
A very loquacious personage once applied for a government situation
upon the ground that he had no other mode of obtaining a living, having
tried several shops and failed at each! “I cannot grant your request,”
was the president’s reply, “but I would suggest that you tried a
_tongue_ shop.”
_A Slashing Inuendo._
When President Lincoln visited the army of the Potomac, a captain with
a face cut and slashed in all directions, complained of the great want
of ambulances and the consequent sufferings of the wounded. “I will do
my best,” replied Abe, “to supply the deficiency,” and then, turning to
another, he remarked that “the captain had no right to complain of the
number of his (s) cars.”
_Scriptural Criticism._
Abe Lincoln, who is by no means a bad judge of paintings, was shewn a
picture done by a very indifferent hand, and asked to give an opinion
of it. “Why,” said the president, the “painter is a very good painter,
and observes the Lord’s commandments.” “What do you mean by that, Mr.
Lincoln?” said a well-known member of the senate, who was standing by.
“Why, I think,” answered Abraham, “that he hath not made to himself the
likeness of anything that is in the heaven above, or that is in the
earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.”
_A Poultry (paltry) War._
A crony of Abe’s--a man named Payne, was appointed a general at
Illinois; in reference to his election the following is recorded, which
the president tells with great _gusto_: One day a wealthy old lady,
whose plantation was in the vicinity of the camp, came in and inquired
for General Payne. When the commander made his appearance, the old
lady in warm language told him that his men had stolen her last coop
of chickens, and demanded its restoration or its value in money. “I am
sorry for you, madam,” replied the general, “but I can’t help it. The
fact is, Madam, we are determined to squelch out the rebellion, if it
cost every d----d chicken in Tennessee.”
_Lincoln on Physic._
Lincoln once said of an apothecary, that his employment was to pour
drugs, of which he knew little, into a body of which he knew less.
_False Accusation._
When General Peck attempted to take Blackwater, in Virginia, fear was
expressed, that from his known sternness, he would compromise the
honour of the Federal cause by giving the place up to pillage. “No
fear,” said Lincoln, “it takes more _pecks_ than one to make a _sack_.”
_How to make Foes._
“When I give away a place,” said Lincoln, to a person who was
continually importuning him, “I discover that I always make a hundred
foes to one friend.”
_Tough Job._
“Constant practice as a rail-splitter,” said Lincoln “gave me a
thorough knowledge of the various grain found in wood, but I never
thought ebony would be so tough to work upon, as I have found it to be
since I took to dealing with these d--d niggers.”
_The only alternative._
“How shall we get cotton” said a northern manufacturer to the
president. “Well, I suppose you must just wait till the southerners
_get worsted_,” was Abe’s reply.
_Abe’s Difficulties._
A celebrated American Explorer, while chatting with the president, said
that in his late attempt to discover the remains of the unfortunate Sir
John Franklin and his crew, he passed through Davis’-straits. “Did you,
by God,” said Abe, “then, I should think you are the only person on
earth who could pass through mine.”
_Misnomers._
“What are you?” said Lincoln, to a man dressed in fustian, who rudely
accosted him in the streets of Washington. “I am a civil engineer”
was the reply. “Then,” said the president, “you are like the war now
raging, sadly mis-named, for there is nothing civil about you.”
_Deficiency of Fuel._
A ship was lately dispatched by Welles to endeavour to capture the
celebrated Southern cruiser, yclept the _Alabama_. After the ship had
been absent a short time it was discovered that the supply of coals was
deficient. The coals had been supplied by a celebrated New York dealer
in that commodity named Heaven. Upon the matter being mentioned to
Lincoln, he replied, “Well, he ought to have telegraphed to _Heaven_
for more coals.”
_A Queer Compliment._
When Lincoln sent Admiral ---- to enforce the blockade at Charlestown
and Wellington, he said “there was no chance of failure, as the person
sent carried with him a _blockhead_ that nothing could penetrate.”
_A slight addition._
A New York lawyer was desirous of being appointed as a judge. “There
are only ten,” he exclaimed, “to transact the whole of the state’s
affairs.” “And so you want to increase them to one hundred,” said
Lincoln. “How so,” said the applicant. “Why, by adding a cipher to
them.”
_Preaching out West._
Lincoln is very fond of repeating the following: “I knew an old
preacher, out west, who, on a very cold day, when describing hell,
said ‘it was an awful place and that the cold was unbearable.’ One of
his congregation, at the close of the sermon, took upon himself to ask
the preacher why he had described hell as being cold, when all eminent
divines said it was the very reverse. ‘Oh, sir,’ said the preacher, ‘I
had good reason, for if I had preached the reverse, I should have had
them running away to warm themselves.’”
_Tom Thumb._
“I understand, General,” said Lincoln, addressing the celebrated
dwarf, Tom Thumb, “that you are about to have the first instalment of
a family.” “Yes,” was the general’s reply. “Well,” said the president,
“I trust it will be a boy.” “Why,” interrogated the dwarf. “Because I
should like your infant to increase my infantry.”
_How a Black’s Made._
“I tell you,” said Seward to Lincoln, one day,
“Everything you proclaim is quite right,
But to arm the poor nigger is not quite the thing,
For two blacks never yet made a white.”
“You are wrong, they are equal, no matter their hue,
And I’ll prove that in judgment you lack:
Only give me your help, and united I’ll prove,
That two _whites_ can at least make a _black_.”
“My service you claim, and freely ’tis given;
Now, the truth of your promise let’s see.”
He wrote, “manumission,” then cried, “It is done:
_For a black’s never made till he’s free!_”
_Abe’s First Joke._
Abe Lincoln, when a boy, had an uncle who kept a mill down west.
Noticing that the mill was going very slow, the young joker, on
meeting the miller, said, he could eat the meal faster than the mill
ground it. “How long could you do so?” said his uncle, struck by the
boy’s remark. “Why, ’till I _starved to death_,” replied the young
incorrigible.
_A Wonderful Child._
“American babies,” said Lincoln, during the time of the celebrated
baby show, “lick all babies. I have seen one in Massachusetts, only
six months old, sitting in its mother’s lap, viewing its own cradle,
to see if it could not invent a better, or, at least, suggest some
improvement.”
_How to stop thieves._
“Friend Lincoln,” said a celebrated Western farmer, one day, to the
president, “thee knows almost everything; can thee tell me how I am
to preserve my small beer in the back yard? My neighbours are often
tapping it of nights.”--“Put a barrel of old Madeira by the side of it,
let the rogues but get a taste of that, and I warrant they’ll never
touch your small beer any more.”
_Hopping the twig._
“It is no use, president; wherever I go,” said an officer appointed to
enforce the draft, “I find the houses shut up, and the bird flown.” “I
see,” said the president, “they are _afraid of the draft_.”
_The best saddles._
There was a dispute at Washington about which were the best saddles
for the Federal Cavalry. Lincoln said “the best saddles were decidedly
saddles of mutton.”
_An offer rejected._
When Blondin was performing his daring feats at Niagara, he asked
Lincoln “if he would mind trusting himself on his back.” The answer
was somewhat prophetic, and as follows: “I shall not trust your rope!”
(Europe).
_A decided smasher._
“That paper must be rigorously dealt with,” said Welles. “I have
already,” said Lincoln “contrived to divide America, and you now want
me to smash the _Globe_!”
_Artillery Practice._
When is was reported that General Blunt had let the rebel cavalry
escape. The President remarked to the Chief of the War Department,
that “the appointment of such a man was a piece of folly, for how
could it be expected that _Blunt_ could be _Sharp_.”
_A curious addition._
“Is it not curious, General,” said Abe to McClellan, “that whenever a
piece of field artillery is fired, that the number of animals attending
it is increased?” “How so?” said the famous Northern General. “Why,”
said Lincoln, “it then has not only its four horses in front, but it
has also _its moke_ behind.”
_The Cost of War._
“Your fighting, General,” said Lincoln, to a general who had returned
disabled, “has been an expensive affair to you.” “How so” “Why,” said
the president, “it has cost you a _leg I see_” (legacy.)
_In memory of._
To commemorate the battle of Bull’s run, the Yankees are about to build
an hotel there. On hearing of this, Lincoln remarked that “there was a
_hot hell_ there before.”
_A Crocodile’s age._
Abe Lincoln prides himself on being the first to make known the means
of ascertaining the age of crocodiles. He says that a negro acquainted
him with the fact that a sort of bag is placed in the intestines of
the crocodiles, which always contains a number of stones corresponding
with the years of its life, it being the custom of these animals to
swallow a stone on their birthday.
_No Thanks._
Abe, at one of his morning levees, had a visitor who introduced
himself as one of the President’s best friends, and soliciting a
government post then vacant as the gift of Abe, urged his claim for the
appointment upon the ground that it was solely through the applicant’s
exertions Mr. Lincoln was elected president. “Oh, indeed;” said Abe, “I
now look upon the man, who of all men, has crowned my existence with a
crown of thorns--no post for you in my gift, I assure you; I wish you
good morning.”
_Merry-Making._
When the Merrimac was about to be christened. The president remarked,
“that it was a somewhat strange _title_ as the ship was built, to make
mourning rather than _make merry_.”
_A Husband’s Wit._
MRS. L-- was, one day, engaged in making an apple pie, and in the
operation contrived to besmear her face with the _batter_. The
president observing the same, asked her “the loan of her _batter eye_”
(battery).
_The cause discovered._
When the Federals flew before the Southerners at Bull’s run. Lincoln
remarked that “it resulted from the army having _too many wings_.”
_Byronic._
Lincoln, upon hearing that an old friend of his had gone to Utah, said
“he supposed he had gone to spend his _latter days_ among the _Mormon
knights_.”
_A satisfactory conclusion._
When Lincoln read the account of Bull’s run, wherein it said that the
Northern army was knocked into a cocked hat. Lincoln drily remarked
that “he supposed it had been caught _napping_.”
_A mother’s alarm._
A lady was lamenting to the president that her only son had gone to
the war, and asked him what she had better do. “Oh,” he replied, “you
can’t do better than buy him _a life preserver_.”
_Punning again._
Governor Seymour telegraphed to Lincoln during the late riots in New
York City, that there was no occasion to act so harshly and drag so
many citizens off to prison. The reply was that “he (the president)
thought quite differently, and that he should never be content till
he’d _see more_ (Seymour) there.”
_Idol._
“There you are,” said Mrs. Lincoln one day to her husband--at your idol
again--alluding to his well-known love of tobacco. “Yes, my dear,” was
his reply, “_I am burning it._”
_A Word for the Irish._
A lieutenant told the president that of all the men that composed his
regiment, the Irish gave him the greatest amount of uneasiness. “Sir,”
was Lincoln’s reply, “our enemies, the rebels, make the same complaint.”
_Skill of a Young Officer._
McClellan was once speaking to the President of a promising young
officer who was slain at the cattle of Bull’s run. “Oh,” said the
American Chief, “if there was doubt about his being skilled while
living, no one doubts but that _he’s_ (s) _killed_ now.”
_A foot in it._
When Admiral Foote was appointed to command the South Atlantic
squadron, he bade Welles to see that the Admiral’s ship was quite
sea-worthy. “How is it you are so particular,” said the Naval Chief.
“Why,” said Lincoln, with a chuckle, “have I not placed my _Foot_ in
it.”
_Lincoln to Ewell_,