MY DEAR CHARLES,--The other evening I was sitting at an open-air cafe
whose coffee is better than its social reputation. To be exact it is a
low haunt. I always go there and have a cup of coffee in a glass when I
am wondering what to do next and feeling it is about time something was
happening. One of my acquaintances came and sat down at my table. To
confess the truth he has once been a pickpocket, the sort of
professional who followed the trade in the old dull days of peace for
the excitement it furnished. He has since served in the Foreign Legion,
and says that now he cannot bring himself to return to his normal work,
since by contrast it is so very tame. For a time he was stranded, but
now the international conspiracy business provides him with just the
sport he was looking for.
After a little conversation about pocket-picking, as it used to be in
the good old days, he asked me if I was interested in communist plots. I
said I was interested in anything. He looked round the cafe to see that
all was well, leant across the table and asked me if I was not
_particularly_ interested in communist plots. "Yes," I whispered, "as
long as it's a plot I'm interested in it, even though it is a communist
one."
He grew suspicious; why was I so interested? There is always a lot of
whispering and mutual suspicion about on these occasions. I told him of
these letters I was writing to you on the subject. This made him more
than suspicious; positively hostile. Who was this Charles? he wanted to
know. I told him all about you; explained that you were a good friend of
mine; quite all right--one of us.
He rather took to the description of you, dropped all signs of doubt or
anxiety and wondered if we couldn't get hold of you to come and take
coffee with us one evening? You may rest assured, Charles, that there is
now one cafe in Central Europe where you are regarded as a first-class
fellow, even though your acquaintance has yet to be made; _bon
camarade_; not above picking a pocket or two yourself in a moment of
enthusiasm. You must come here and show yourself one day. You need have
no fear. We never pick each others' pockets; it isn't considered
etiquette.
"I am now a Young Socialist," said my friend with great pride. The Young
Socialists are the worst communists there are.
"Really?" said I; "the last time we had a chat you were an ardent German
Monarchist."
He produced his Matriculation card; it wasn't in his proper name, but,
as he explained, one name is as good as another and he has had so many
from time to time that now he cannot rightly say which is his own. I
asked him to elaborate the Young Socialists' programme of murder and
sudden death, a subject which, as a proposed victim, had a morbid
fascination for me. He said he knew nothing about that; their
everlasting talk bored him and he never attended the public meetings. It
was the committee work which interested him.
He told me about the first committee meeting he attended. He wasn't a
member of the committee at the time, a fact which put difficulties in
the way of his attending the meeting, as it was held behind closed
doors. All the doors were closed and locked, including the cupboard
door. He was in the cupboard. I wondered what they would have done to
him if they had found him there. He told me he had had plenty of time to
wonder that himself when he had once got himself locked in.
"Begin at the beginning," said I.
It was a question, first, of getting round the door-keeper. He made
friends with that door-keeper, took him out to supper, gave him a kirsch
with his coffee and a cigar with his kirsch. He told the door-keeper
that he was the most distinguished door-keeper he had ever met. He
encouraged him to go through his ailments and his grievances and was
visibly distressed by the recital. He got in the habit of sitting with
the door-keeper while he was keeping the door for the committee
assembled inside. And, when he thought the friendship was sufficiently
advanced, he poured forth his inmost heart to that door-keeper. He said
that Young Socialism was to him the breath of life, and the tragedy was
that he was always kept on the outskirts of it. He said he would give
anything to take part in a committee meeting, or anyhow to hear the
great ones at it; and, to make this sound plausible, he expounded a
scheme of Young Socialism of his own, which was far more drastic and
bloodthirsty than anything that had yet occurred to any committee.
The door-keeper didn't believe there could be anybody who really cared
all that much for communism; for his part he kept the door because there
was money to be made easily that way. At the next committee meeting he
made more money and made it more easily, and my friend was safely locked
up in the cupboard before the committee arrived. What with the heat
inside, the thought that the door-keeper might be more cunning than had
appeared and a persistent desire to sneeze, he questioned all the time
whether he was the right man in the right place. The committee meanwhile
did little more than vote its own salaries from the central fund and
quarrel amongst itself who should be treasurer.
Later proceedings of the committee, as noted in the cupboard, were more
interesting. When the question turned on finding someone trustworthy and
competent to take secret instructions to comrades in France and England,
my friend very nearly burst forth from his shelf to say to them, "I'm
your man!" He restrained himself, however, and thought out a more
elaborate scheme than that.
He secured a front seat at the next public meeting of the section,
applauded vigorously when the President referred to the need of more
briskness in France and England and asked for a private interview after
the meeting was over. In a few well-chosen words he offered his services
to run messages over the frontier. Off his platform the President was
quite a practical man and, though he didn't use these words, he
indicated to my friend as follows: "If you are a genuine blackguard the
police won't let you go; if you are not a genuine blackguard you are not
really one of us."
My friend said that that would be all right, and they agreed to meet
later on. He then went to the police and explained that he was about to
be entrusted with important letters to carry over the frontier, if they
would afford the necessary facilities. The police also were practical
and, without wishing in any way to hurt his feelings, raised the
question of his being genuine. Genuine was, of course, the very last
thing he was claiming to be, but he understood what they meant, said
that that would be all right and arranged a later appointment. He then
called on the President and found him duly suspicious.
"I've had a talk with the police," said my friend, "and I've told them
all about you and your messages, and they are going to give me the
facilities and I am going to give them the messages."
This was the first occasion on which the President had had to handle the
plain truth, and he didn't know what to do or say next.
"Give me some dud messages, of course," said my friend, and the
President, thinking what a bright young Socialist this was, complied.
He then went back to the police. "I've had a talk with the President,"
said he, "and I've told them all about you and your interest in the
messages, and here the messages are; and you needn't worry to read them
because they are dud."
The police had also got so unused to the truth from such quarters that
they were taken aback when they met it.
"And now have I your full confidence?" said he, and they said that he
might take it that he had. He then went back to the President.
"Good morning, Mr. President," said he. "I have given your messages to
the police and told them they are dud messages, so that now I have their
full confidence and can move about as I like. Give me the real messages
and I'll be getting on with my journey."
Throwing precaution to the winds, the President wrote out the real
messages in full and handed them to him.
"Come, come, come," said he, "you must be more careful than that," and
he told him what he ought to do to make sure. He did it.
My friend then proceeded to the frontier, where, by arrangement, he was
arrested. In the inside pocket of his inside coat a bundle of messages
were found. The police nodded at him.
"Yes," they said, "here are the messages all right. We don't know that
they help much, but we suppose that we mustn't blame you."
"Come, come, come," said my friend, "if you doubt me, search me." They
did so, and, written on linen and sewn into the lining of his coat, they
found some more messages, which really did help them. Yours ever, HENRY.
(_To be continued._)
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Illustration: _Profiteer Host._ "I'M AFRAID WE'LL HAVE TO DRINK THE
FIZZ OUT OF PORT GLASSES."
_Profiteer Guest._ "OH, WE DON'T MIND ROUGHIN' IT; WE'RE ALL SPORTSMEN,
I TAKE IT."
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