RISPOLÓZHENSKY. [_Sits down by the table_] From anxiety, Lázar Elizárych;
from anxiety, my boy.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Indeed, sir! But I suppose it's because you're plundering
people overmuch. God is punishing you for your unrighteousness.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. He, he, he!--Lázar Elizárych! How could I plunder anybody?
My business is of a small sort. I'm like a little bird, picking up small
grains.
PODKHALYÚZIN. You deal in small quantities, of course?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. You'd deal even in small quantities if you couldn't get
anything else. Well, it wouldn't matter so much if I were alone; but, you
see, I have a wife and four kiddies. They all want to eat, the little
dears. One says, "Daddy, give me!" Another says, "Daddy, give me!" And I'm
a man who feels strongly for his family. Here I entered one boy in the high
school; he has to have a uniform, and then something else. And what's to
become of the old shack?--Why, how much shoe-leather you wear out simply
walking from Butírky to the Voskresénsky Gates.
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's right, sir.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. And why do you make the trip? You write a little petition
for one man, you register somebody else in the citizen class. Some days
you'll not bring home half a ruble in silver. I vow, I'm not lying! Then
what're you going to live on? Lázar Elizárych, I'll just take a thimbleful.
[_Drinks_] "So," I think, "I'll just drop in on Lázar Elizárych; perhaps
he'll spare me a little change."
PODKHALYÚZIN. For what sort of knavery, sir?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. What do you mean by knavery! Come, that's a sin, Lázar
Elizárych! Don't I serve you? I'm your servant till the grave; command me
what you want. And I fixed up the mortgage for you!
PODKHALYÚZIN. See here, you've been paid! And it's not your business to
keep harping on the same string!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Just so, Lázar Elizárych, I've been paid. Just so! Ah,
Lázar Elizárych, poverty has crushed me!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Poverty crushed you! Oh, that happens, sir. [_He approaches
and sits down by the table_] Well, sir, I have a little extra money; I've
no place to put it.
[_Lays his pocketbook on the table_.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. What, you, Lázar Elizárych? Extra money? I'm afraid you're
joking.
PODKHALYÚZIN. All joking aside, sir.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Well, if you have a little extra money, why not help a poor
man? God'll reward you for it.
PODKHALYÚZIN. But d'you need much?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Give me just three rubles.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Is that all, sir?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Well, give me five.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh, ask more!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Well, then, if you'll be so good, give me ten.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Ten, sir! What, for nothing?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Indeed not! I'll work it off, Lázar Elizárych; we'll be
quits sometime or other.
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's all talk, sir. The snail keeps going, and sometime
she'll get there! But here's the little business I want to put up to you
now: did Samsón Sílych promise you much for fixing up this scheme?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. I'm ashamed to tell you, Lázar Elizárych! A thousand rubles
and an old coon-skin overcoat. No one will accept less than I, by heavens;
just go and inquire prices.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Well, here's what, Sysóy Psoich; I'll give you two thousand
for that identical business, sir.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Oh, Lázar Elizárych, my benefactor! I and my wife and
children'll be your slaves!
PODKHALYÚZIN. One hundred in silver, spot cash; but the rest later upon the
completion of the whole business, sir!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Now, then, how can one help praying for people like you!
Only a kind of ignorant swine could fail to feel that. I bow down to your
feet, Lázar Elizárych!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Really now, what for, sir? Only, Sysóy Psoich, don't
run about like a chicken with its head cut off, but go in for
accuracy--straight to the point, and walk the line. Do you understand, sir?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. How can I help understanding? Why, Lázar Elizárych, do you
think I'm still a boy? It's time I understood!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Yes, but what do you understand? Here's the way things are,
sir. Just listen first. Samsón Sílych and I came to town, and we brought
along the list as was proper. Then he went to the creditors: this one
didn't agree, that one didn't agree; that's the way, and not a single one
will take up the proposition. That's the way the affair stands.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. What's that you say, Lázar Elizárych? Oh! Just think of it,
what a gang.
PODKHALYÚZIN. And how are we going to make a good thing out of this
business now? Do you understand me, or not?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. That is, the insolvency, Lázar Elizárych?
PODKHALYÚZIN. The insolvency will take care of itself; but I mean my own
business affairs.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. He, he, he!--That is, the house and the shops--even--the
house--he, he, he!----
PODKHALYÚZIN. What's the matter, sir?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. No, sir; that's just my foolishness; I was just joking.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Fine jokes, indeed! Don't you joke about that, sir. The house
is nothing; I have such a dream in my head now about that subject, that I
must talk it over with you at length. Just come to my room, sir. Tishka!
SCENE VI
_The same and_ TISHKA
PODKHALYÚZIN. Put all this in order! Well, let's go, Sysóy Psoich!
TISHKA _is about to carry away the vodka_.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Wait, wait! Eh, my boy, what an idiot you are! If you see
that a fellow wants to drink, just wait a bit. You just wait a bit. You're
young yet, but you just be polite and condescending. Lázar Elizárych, I'll
just take a thimbleful.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Help yourself, only hurry up; I'm afraid _he'll_ come.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Right away, my dear Lázar Elizárych, right away! [_Drinks
and smacks his lips_] But it would be better to take it with us. [_They go
out_.
TISHKA _arranges something or other; from above descend_ USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA
_and_ FOMÍNISHNA. TISHKA _goes out_.
FOMÍNISHNA. Now do fix it up for her, Ustinya Naúmovna! You see the girl is
all worked up; and, indeed, it's time, my dear. Youth isn't a bottomless
kettle, and they say it gets empty. I can say that from my own experience.
I got married when I was thirteen; but in another month she'll have passed
her nineteenth year. Why let her pine away for nothing? Others of her age
have long since borne children. And so, my dear, why let her pine away?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I keep thinking about that myself, my jewel; but the
thing isn't held up on my account; I have a whole pack of suitors, all
right. But, confound it, she and her mother are mighty particular.
FOMÍNISHNA. Why should they be particular? Well, the chief thing is that
they should be fresh-complexioned people, not bald, and not smell bad; and
then anything'll pass, so it's a man!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. [_Sitting down_] Sit down a minute, my jewel. I have worn
myself out the livelong day; from early morning I've been tearing around
like a wet hen. But, you see, I couldn't neglect anything; I'm an
indispensable person everywhere. Naturally, my jewel, every person is a
human being: a man needs a wife, a girl a husband; give it to them if you
have to rob the cradle; then here and there there's a genuine wedding. And
who fixes them up? Why, I do. Ustinya Naúmovna has to bear the burden for
all of them. And why does she have to? Because that's the way things are;
from the beginning of the world, that's the way the wheel was wound up.
However, to tell the truth, they don't cheat me for my trouble: one gives
me the material for a dress, another a fringed shawl, another makes up a
cap for you, and here and there you'll get a gold piece, and here and there
something better--just what the job deserves and they're able to pay.
FOMÍNISHNA. What's the use of talking, my dear; what's the use of talking!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Sit down, Fomínishna; your legs are old and rickety.
FOMÍNISHNA. Eh! Haven't time, my dear! You see, it's just awful; because
_he_ doesn't come home we're all scared to death: he may come home drunk at
any time. And then what a bad one, good Lord! Then what a row he'll kick
up.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Naturally; a rich peasant is worse than the devil to talk
to.
FOMÍNISHNA. We've seen him do terrible things. One night last week he came
home drunk. He tore around, and what a row! It was simply awful; he smashed
the china--"Ooo!" he said, "I'll kill the whole crowd of you at once!"
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Vulgarity!
FOMÍNISHNA. That's the truth, my dear. But I'll just run up-stairs,
darling--Agraféna Kondrátyevna is alone in my room. When you're going
home, come back to me; I'll tie up a bit of ham for you. [_She mounts the
stairs_.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I'll follow, my jewel, I'll follow.
PODKHALYÚZIN _enters_.
SCENE VII
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA _and_ PODKHALYÚZIN
PODKHALYÚZIN. Ah! Ustinya Naúmovna! It's been ages since I've seen you,
ma'am.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. How are you, dear soul! How've you been?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh, able to be around, ma'am.
[_He sits down_.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I'll capture a little mamzelle for you if you want me to.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Thank you kindly--I don't need one yet.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. If you don't want one yourself, my jewel, I'll do a good
turn for your friends. I suppose you have friends around town, a whole
pack.
PODKHALYÚZIN. I have quite a few, ma'am.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Well, if you have, thank the Lord! If you know of a
marriageable man, whether he's a bachelor, unmarried, or a widower--drag
him straight to me.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Will you find him a wife?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I will. Why shouldn't I find him a wife? I'll do it in a
jiffy.
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's very fine, ma'am, But now I ask you, Ustinya Naúmovna,
why do you come here to us so confoundedly often?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What's that to you? Why shouldn't I come? I'm no thief,
no sheep without a name. What do you mean by that question?
PODKHALYÚZIN. But, really, aren't you wasting your time coming?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Wasting my time? Where did you get that idea, my jewel?
Just see here, what sort of a husband I've found: an aristocrat, has
peasants, and a fine young man.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why has the thing come to a halt, ma'am?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. It hasn't come to a halt! He wanted to come to-morrow to
get acquainted. So we'll hitch him up, and it'll all be over.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Hitch him up, try it--he'll give you the slip.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What's the matter, are you in your right mind, my jewel?
PODKHALYÚZIN. You'll see!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. May I die before to-night, but you're either drunk, my
jewel, or you've wandered clean out of your head.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Be so good as not to trouble yourself about that; you look
out for yourself; but I know what I know.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Well, what do you know?
PODKHALYÚZIN. No matter what I know, ma'am.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. If you know something, tell me what it is: I suppose your
tongue won't fall off.
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's the point of the thing--that I can't tell it.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Why can't you? Why do you hesitate to tell me, my jewel?
Go ahead, talk--it doesn't matter what it is.
PODKHALYÚZIN. It's not a matter of conscience. But if I tell you, of course
you'll go and blab!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Curst if I do! You may chop off my hand!
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's it, ma'am; a promise is better than money.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Of course. Well, what do you know?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Here's what, Ustinya Naúmovna: isn't it possible to throw
over that suitor you've found, ma'am?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What's the matter with you; are you gone daft?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Gone daft nothing, ma'am! But if you want to have a
heart-to-heart talk, honor bright, ma'am; then here's the sort of thing it
is, ma'am: at my house there's a certain Russian merchant I know, who is
very much in love with Olimpiáda Samsónovna, ma'am. "No matter what I have
to give," says he, "so long as I get married," says he; "I shan't grudge
any sum."
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Why didn't you tell me about that before, my jewel?
PODKHALYÚZIN. There was nothing to tell for the good reason that I only
just now found out about it, ma'am.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But it's late now, my jewel!
PODKHALYÚZIN. And what a suitor he is, Ustinya Naúmovna! He'll shower you
with gold from head to foot, ma'am; he'll have a cloak made for you out of
live sables.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But, my dear, it's impossible! I'd be tickled to death,
but I've given my word.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Just as you please, ma'am! But if you betroth her to the
other fellow, you'll bring such bad luck upon yourself, that you'll not get
clear afterwards!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But just consider yourself, how'll I have the nerve to
show my face before Samsón Sílych? I gave it to him hot and heavy: that the
fellow is rich, and handsome, and so much in love that he is half dead; and
now what'll I say? You know yourself what a fellow Samsón Sílych is; you
see he'll pull my cap over my ears before you know it.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Pull your cap nothing, ma'am!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. And I've got the girl all worked up. Twice a day she
sends to me and asks: "What's the matter with my suitor?" and, "What's he
like?"
PODKHALYÚZIN. But don't you run away from your own good fortune, Ustinya
Naúmovna. Do you want two thousand rubles and a sable cloak for merely
arranging this wedding, ma'am? But let our understanding about the match be
private. I tell you, ma'am, that this suitor's such a sort as you've never
seen; there's only one thing, ma'am: he's not of aristocratic origin.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But is she an aristocrat? Pity if she is, my jewel!
That's the way things go these days: every peasant girl is trying to
worm her way into the nobility.--Now, although this here Olimpiáda
Samsónovna--of course, God give her good health--gives presents like a
princess, yet, believe me, her origin's no better than ours. Her father,
Samsón Sílych, dealt in leather mittens on the Balchug; respectable people
called him Sammy, and fed him with thumps behind the ears. And her mother,
Agraféna Kondrátyevna, was little more than a peasant girl, and he got her
from Preobrazhénskoye. They got together some capital, climbed into the
merchant class--so the daughter has her eye peeled for the title of
princess. And all that through money. How much worse am I than she? Yet I
have to trot at her heels. God knows what kind of bringing-up she's had:
she walks like an elephant crawls on his belly; whether French or piano,
it's a bit here and a bit there, and there's nothing to it; and when she
starts to dance--I have to stuff a handkerchief in my mouth.
PODKHALYÚZIN. But, look here--it'd be more proper for her to marry a
merchant.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But how'll I stand with the first suitor, my jewel? I've
already assured him that Olimpiáda Samsónovna is such a beauty, that she's
the real ticket for him; "and educated," I said, "in French, and is trained
in all sorts of society ways." And now what am I going to say to him?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, just tell him also: "Now, she is a beauty, and
cultivated in a good many ways; only they've lost all their money." And
he'll break off himself!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Well, now, that's so, my jewel! But, no, wait! You see I
told him that Samsón Sílych is rolling in money.
PODKHALYÚZIN. See here, you talk too much. But how do you know how much
money Samsón Sílych has; you haven't counted it, have you?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Ask anybody you please; every one knows that Samsón
Sílych is the richest sort of merchant.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Yes! Much you know! But what'll happen when, after you've
engaged a man of standing, Samsón Sílych won't give any money? Afterwards
the fellow'll come up and say, says he: "I'm no merchant, that you can
cheat me out of the dowry!" Furthermore, like a man of standing he'll file
a complaint at court, because a man of standing has his own way everywhere,
ma'am; then Samsón Sílych and I'll be ruined, and there'll be no getting
out of it for you. Here, you yourself know you can cheat anybody of our
sort out of a dowry, that'll work; but just try to fool a man of standing,
and you'll not get away with it afterwards.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. That's enough trying to scare me! You've muddled my head
completely.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Here, take these hundred rubles in silver as earnest-money,
and give us your hand on it, ma'am.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. And you say, my jewel, two thousand rubles and a sable
cloak?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Exactly so, ma'am. Be at rest on that score!--And you'll put
on that sable cloak, Ustinya Naúmovna, and you'll go out walking--why,
anybody will think you're a general's wife.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Do you think so? Well, now, indeed! When I put on that
sable cloak, I'll look my perkiest, with my hands by my sides; then your
bearded friends will stare with their mouths wide open. They'll get to
sighing so that you couldn't stop them with a fire engine; the women will
all turn up their noses from jealousy.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Just so, ma'am!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Give me the earnest-money! Here goes!
PODKHALYÚZIN. But, Ustinya Naúmovna, you're doing this of your own free
will; don't back out.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Back out, what for? Just look: two thousand rubles, and a
sable cloak!
PODKHALYÚZIN. I tell you, we'll make it out of live sables. There's nothing
more to be said.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Well, good-by, my emerald! I'll run off now to the
suitor. We'll see each other to-morrow, and then I'll report to you.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Wait a minute! Where're you going! Just follow me--we'll just
take a drink of vodka, ma'am. Tishka! Tishka! [_Enter_ TISHKA] You keep a
lookout, and if you see the boss coming, run for me straight off.
[_They go out._
SCENE VIII
TISHKA _alone._
TISHKA. [_Sits down beside the table and takes some money out of his
pocket_] Half a ruble in silver--that's what Lázar gave me to-day. And the
other day, when I fell from the steeple, Agraféna Kondrátyevna gave me
ten kopeks; I won twenty-five kopeks at heads and tails; and day before
yesterday the boss forgot and left one whole ruble on the counter. Gee,
here's money for you! [_He counts to himself. The voice of FOMÍNISHNA is
heard behind the scene:_ "Tishka, oh, Tishka! How long have I got to call
you?"] Now what's the matter there? ["Is Lázar at home?"]--He was, but he's
sure gone now! ["Well, where has he sneaked to?"] How in the world should I
know? He doesn't ask my leave. If he had, I'd know.
FOMÍNISHNA _comes down the stairs._
FOMÍNISHNA. You see Samsón Sílych has come, and seems to be tipsy.
TISHKA. Phew! We're goners!
FOMÍNISHNA. Run for Lázar, Tishka; there's a dear; run quick!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. [_Appearing at the head of the stairs_] What's this,
Fomínishna dear, where's he bound for?
FOMÍNISHNA. This way, I guess, my dear! Ah, I'll close the doors, good
heavens, I'll close them; let him go up-stairs, but you stay here, my dear.
_A knock at the door, and the voice of_ SAMSÓN SÍLYCH:
"Hey! open up; who's there?" AGRAFÉNA
KONDRÁTYEVNA _disappears_.
FOMÍNISHNA. Come in, honey, come in and go to sleep; God bless you!
BOLSHÓV. [_Behind the door_] What's the matter with you, you old cripple;
have you lost your wits?
FOMÍNISHNA. Ah, my dear boy! Ah, I'm a blind old granny. But, you see, I
was fool enough, somehow, to think you'd come home tipsy. Forgive me, I've
gotten deaf in my old age.
SAMSÓN SÍLYCH _comes in_.
SCENE IX
FOMÍNISHNA _and_ BOLSHÓV
BOLSHÓV. Has that shyster been cooking up any deviltry here?
FOMÍNISHNA. They've cooked cabbage soup with corned beef, and roast goose.
BOLSHÓV. Are you gone daft, you old fool?
FOMÍNISHNA. No, dear! I gave the order to the cook myself!
BOLSHÓV. Get out! [_He sits down_.
FOMÍNISHNA _goes to the door_; PODKHALYÚZIN _and_ TISHKA _come in_.
FOMÍNISHNA. [_Returning_] Ah, I'm a fool, a fool! Don't punish me for my
bad memory. The cold roast sucking pig had entirely jumped out of my mind.
SCENE X
PODKHALYÚZIN, BOLSHÓV, _and_ TISHKA
BOLSHÓV. Go to the pigs yourself! [FOMÍNISHNA _goes out. To_ TISHKA] What
are you gaping at? Haven't you anything to do?
PODKHALYÚZIN. [_To_ TISHKA] You've been spoken to, haven't you?
TISHKA _goes out_.
BOLSHÓV. Has the shyster been here?
PODKHALYÚZIN. He has, sir.
BOLSHÓV. Did you talk with him?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, Samsón Sílych? Does he have any feeling? Isn't his soul
naturally nothing but ink, sir? He just thrums on one string--to declare
yourself bankrupt.
BOLSHÓV. If I must declare myself bankrupt, I'll do it, and there's an end
to it.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Ah, Samsón Sílych, what's that you're saying!
BOLSHÓV. What! pay out money? Where did you get that notion? I will rather
burn everything in the fire, before I'll give them a kopek. Transfer the
merchandise, sell the notes, let 'em pilfer, let anybody steal who wants
to; but I'm not going to pay a kopek.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Pardon me, Samsón Sílych, we had the business all going fine;
and now everything has to be thrown into confusion.
BOLSHÓV. What affair was it of yours? It ain't yours. You just work
hard--I'll not forget you.
PODKHALYÚZIN. I'm not in need of anything after the kindness you have shown
me, and you're quite wrong in having any such idea about me. I'm ready to
give away my whole soul for you, and by no means to do anything tricky.
You're getting on in years; Agraféna Kondrátyevna is a very gentle lady;
Olimpiáda Samsónovna is an accomplished young lady, and of suitable
years; and you've got to spend some thought on her. But now such are the
circumstances; there's no knowing what may come of all this.
BOLSHÓV. Well, what could come of it? I'm the only one responsible.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why talk about you! You, Samsón Sílych, have already had a
long life; thank God, you're in a ripe old age; but Olimpiáda Samsónovna,
of course, is a young lady whose like can't be found on earth. I'm speaking
to you conscientiously, Samsón Sílych; that is, absolutely according to my
feelings. If I'm exerting myself on your behalf now, and am putting in my
whole strength, too, it may be said, grudging neither sweat nor blood--then
it's mostly because I'm sorry for your family.
BOLSHÓV. Come, really now?
PODKHALYÚZIN. If you please, sir. Now, suppose all this ends well. Very
good, sir. You'll have something left with which to establish Olimpiáda
Samsónovna.--Well, of that there's nothing to say; let there be money,
and suitors'll be found, sir. Well, but what a sin, Lord save us! if they
object, and begin to hound you through the courts; and such a stigma falls
upon the family, and if, furthermore, they should take away the property.
Sir, the ladies'd be obliged to endure hunger and cold, and without any
care, like shelterless birdies. But Lord save them from that! What would
happen then? [_He weeps._
BOLSHÓV. What are you crying about?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Of course, Samsón Sílych, I merely say that just for
instance--talk at the right time, keep still at the wrong time; words don't
hurt. But you see, the Old Nick is powerful--he shakes the hills.
BOLSHÓV. What's to be done, my boy? Evidently such is the will of God, and
you can't oppose it.
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's just it, Samsón Sílych! But all the same, according to
my foolish way of reasoning, you should settle Olimpiáda Samsónovna in good
time upon a good man; and then she will be, at any rate, as if behind a
stone wall, sir. But the chief thing is that the man should have a soul,
so that he'll feel. As for that noble's courting Olimpiáda Samsónovna--why
he's turned tail already.
BOLSHÓV. Turned tail how? What gave you that notion?
PODKHALYÚZIN. It isn't a notion, Samsón Sílych. You ask Ustinya Naúmovna.
Must be some one who knows him heard something or other.
BOLSHÓV. What of it! As my affairs are going now there's no need of such a
person.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Samsón Sílych, just take into consideration! I'm a stranger,
and no relative of yours, but for the sake of your well-being I know
no rest by day or by night, my very heart is all withered. But they're
marrying to him the young lady who, it may be said, is an indescribable
beauty; and they're giving money, sir; but he swaggers and carries it high!
Well, is there any soul in him, after all that?
BOLSHÓV. Well, if he don't want her he needn't have her, and we won't cry
about it.
PODKHALYÚZIN. No, Samsón Sílych, you just consider about that: has the man
any soul? Here I am, a total stranger, yet I can't see all this without
tears. Just understand that, Samsón Sílych! Nobody else would care enough
about it to pine away because of another man's business, sir. But you see,
even if you drive me out now, even if you beat me, still I won't leave you;
because I cannot--I haven't that kind of a heart.
BOLSHÓV. But how in the world could you think of leaving me? You see my
only hope now is you. I'm old, and my affairs have gotten into a tight fix.
Just wait! It may be we'll still swing some kind of a deal such as you're
not expecting.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh, I can't do that, Samsón Sílych. Just understand this
much: I'm absolutely not that kind of a man! To anybody else, Samsón
Sílych, of course it's all the same; he doesn't care whether the grass
grows; but I can't do that way, sir. Kindly see yourself, sir, whether
I'm hustling or not. I'm simply wasting away now like some poor devil, on
account of your business, sir; because I'm not that kind of a man, sir. I'm
doing all this because I feel sorry for you, and not for you so much as
for your family. You ought to realize that Agraféna Kondrátyevna is a very
tender lady, Olimpiáda Samsónovna a young lady whose like can't be found on
earth, sir----
BOLSHÓV. Not on earth? Look here, brother, aren't you hinting around a
little?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Hinting, sir? No, I didn't mean, sir!----
BOLSHÓV. Aha! Brother, you'd better speak more openly. Are you in love with
Olimpiáda Samsónovna?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, Samsón Sílych, must be you want to joke me.
BOLSHÓV. Joke, fiddlesticks! I'm asking you seriously.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Good heavens, Samsón Sílych, could I dare think of such a
thing, sir?
BOLSHÓV. Why shouldn't you dare? Is she a princess or something like that?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Maybe she's no princess; but as you've been my benefactor
and taken the place of my own father--But no, Samsón Sílych, how is it
possible, sir, how can I help feeling it!
BOLSHÓV. Well, then, I suppose you don't love her?
PODKHALYÚZIN. How can I help loving her, sir? Good gracious, it seems as if
I loved her more than anything on earth. But no, Samsón Sílych, how is it
possible, sir!
BOLSHÓV. You ought to have said: "I love her, you see, more than anything
on earth."
PODKHALYÚZIN. How can I help loving her, sir? Please consider yourself:
all day, I think, and all night, I think--Oh, dear me, of course Olimpiáda
Samsónovna is a young lady whose like can't be found on earth--But no, that
cannot be, sir. What chance have I, sir?
BOLSHÓV. What cannot be, you poor soft-head?
PODKHALYÚZIN. How can it be possible, Samsón Sílych? Knowing you, sir, as I
do, like my own father, and Olimpiáda Samsónovna, sir; and again, knowing
myself for what I'm worth--what chance have I with my calico snout, sir?
BOLSHÓV. Calico nothing. Your snout'll do! So long as you have brains in
your head--and you don't have to borrow any; because God has endowed you
in that way. Well, Lázar, suppose I try to make a match between you and
Olimpiáda Samsónovna, eh? That indescribable beauty, eh?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Good gracious, would I dare? It may be that Olimpiáda
Samsónovna won't look kindly on me, sir!
BOLSHÓV. Nonsense! I don't have to dance to her piping in my old age!
She'll marry the man I tell her to. She's my child: if I want, I can eat
her with my mush, or churn her into butter! You just talk to me about it!
PODKHALYÚZIN. I don't dare, Samsón Sílych, talk about it with you, sir! I
don't want to appear a scoundrel to you.
BOLSHÓV. Get along with you, you foolish youngster! If I didn't love you,
would I talk with you like this? Do you understand that I can make you
happy for life? I can simply make your life for you.
PODKHALYÚZIN. And don't I love you, Samsón Sílych, more than my own father?
Damn it all!--what a brute I am.
BOLSHÓV. Well, but you love my daughter?
PODKHALYÚZIN. I've wasted away entirely, sir. My whole soul has turned over
long since, sir!
BOLSHÓV. Well, if your soul has turned over, we'll set you up again.
Johnny's the boy for our Jenny!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Daddy, why do you favor me? I'm not worth it. I'm not worth
it! My poor face would positively crack a mirror.
BOLSHÓV. What of your face! Here, I transfer all the property to you;
so that afterwards the creditors will be sorry that they didn't take
twenty-five kopeks on the ruble.
PODKHALYÚZIN. You can bet they'll be sorry, sir!
BOLSHÓV. Well, you get off to town now, and after a while come back to the
girl; we'll play a little joke on 'em.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Very good, daddy, sir! [_They go out._
ACT III
_Setting as in ACT I_
SCENE I
_BOLSHÓV comes in and sits down in the armchair; for some time he looks
into the corners and yawns._
BOLSHÓV. Here's the life; it's well said: vanity of vanities, and all is
vanity. The devil knows, I myself can't make out what I want. If I were to
take a snack of something, I'd spoil my dinner, and if I sit still I'll go
crazy. Perhaps I might kill a little time drinking tea. [_Silence_] Here's
all there is to it; a man lives, and lives, and all at once he dies and he
turns to dust. Oh, Lord, oh, Lord!
[_He yawns and looks into the corners._
SCENE II
_AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA comes in with LÍPOCHKA, who is very much dressed
up._
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Get along, get along, my darling; don't catch
yourself on the sides of the doorway. Just look, Samsón Sílych, my dear
lord and master, and admire how I've rigged up our daughter! Phew! go
away! What a peony-rose she is now! [_To her_] Ah, you little angel, you
princess, you little cherub, you! [_To him_] Well, Samsón Sílych, isn't it
all right? Only she ought to ride in a six-horse carriage.
BOLSHÓV. She'll go in a two-horse carriage--she's no highflying
proprietress.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. To be sure, she's no general's daughter, but, all
the same, she's a beauty! Well, pet the child a little; what are you
growling like a bear for?
BOLSHÓV. Well, how do you want me to pet her? Shall I lick her hands, or
bow down to her feet? Fine circus, I must say! I've seen something more
elegant than that.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. But what have you seen? No matter what; but this is
your daughter, your own child, you man of stone!
BOLSHÓV. What if she is my daughter? Thank God she has shoes, dresses, and
is well fed--what more does she want?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What more! Look here, Samsón Sílych, have you gone
out of your head? Well fed! What if she is well fed! According to the
Christian law we should feed everybody; people look after strangers, to say
nothing of their own folks. Why, it's a sin to say that, when people can
hear you. Anyhow, she's your own child!
BOLSHÓV. I know she's my own child--but what more does she want? What
are you telling me all these yarns for? You don't have to put her in a
picture-frame! I know I'm her father.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Then, my dear, if you're her father, then don't act
like a stepfather! It's high time, it seems to me, that you came to your
senses. You'll soon have to part with her, and you don't grind out one
kind word; you ought, for her good, to give her a bit of good advice. You
haven't a single fatherly way about you!
BOLSHÓV. No, and what a pity; must be God made me that way.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. God made you that way! What's the matter with you?
It seems to me God made her, too, didn't he? She's not an animal, Lord
forgive me for speaking so!--but ask her something!
BOLSHÓV. What shall I ask her? A goose is no playmate for a pig; do what
you please.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. We won't ask you when it comes to the point;
meantime, say something. A man, a total stranger, is coming--no matter how
much you try, a man is not a woman--he's coming for his first visit, when
we've never seen him before.
BOLSHÓV. I said, stop it!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What a father you are! And yet you call yourself
one! Ah, my poor abandoned little girl, you're just like a little orphan
with drooping head! He turns away from you, and won't recognize you! Sit
down, Lipochka; sit down, little soul, my charming little darling! [_She
makes her sit down._
LÍPOCHKA. Oh, stop it, mamma! You've mussed me all up!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. All right, then, I'll look at you from a distance.
LÍPOCHKA. Look if you want to, only don't rave! Fudge, mamma, one can't
dress up properly without your going off into a sentimental fit.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. So, so, my dear! But when I look at you, it seems
such a pity.
LÍPOCHKA. Why so? It had to come some time.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. All the same, it's a pity, you little fool. We've
been raising you all these years, and you've grown up--but now for no
reason at all we're giving you over to strangers, as if we were tired of
you, and as if you bored us by your foolish childishness, and by your sweet
behavior. Here, we'll pack you out of the house, like an enemy from the
town; then we'll come to, and look around, and you'll be gone forever.
Consider, good people, what it'll be like, living in some strange, far-away
place, choking on another's bread, and wiping away your tears with your
fist! Yes, good God, she's marrying beneath her; some blockhead will be
butting in--a blockhead, the son of a blockhead! [_She weeps._
LÍPOCHKA. There you go, crying! Honestly, aren't you ashamed, mamma? What
do you mean by blockhead?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. [_Weeping_] The words came out of themselves. I
couldn't help it.
BOLSHÓV. What made you start this bawling? If anybody asks you, you don't
know yourself.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. I don't know, my dear, I don't know; the fit just
came over me.
BOLSHÓV. That's it, just foolishness. Tears come cheap with you.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Yes, my dear, they do! They do! I know myself that
they come cheap; but how can you help it?
LÍPOCHKA. Fudge, mamma, how you act! Stop it! Now, he'll come any
moment--what's the use?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. I'll stop, child, I'll stop; I'll stop right off!
SCENE III
_The same, and USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA_
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. [_Entering_] How are you, my jewels! What are you gloomy
and down in the dumps for?
[_Kisses are exchanged._
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. We'd about given you up.
LÍPOCHKA. Well, Ustinya Naúmovna, will he come soon?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. It's my fault, I own up at once; it's my fault! But our
affairs, my jewels, aren't in a very good way.
LÍPOCHKA. How! What do you mean by that?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Now what new notion have you got?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Why, my pearls, our suitor is wavering.
BOLSHÓV. Ha, ha, ha! You're a great go-between! How are you going to make a
match?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. He's like a balky horse, he won't whoa nor giddup. You
can't get a sensible word out of him.
LÍPOCHKA. But what's this, Ustinya Naúmovna? What do you mean, really?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Holy saints! How can it be!
LÍPOCHKA. Have you just seen him?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I was at his house this morning. He came out just as he
was, in his dressing-gown; but he treated me, be it said to his honor. He
ordered coffee, and rum, and heaps of fancy crackers--simply piles of them.
"Eat away!" says he, "Ustinya Naúmovna." I had come on business, you know,
so it was necessary to find out something definite. So I said: "You wanted
to go to-day and get acquainted." But on that subject he wouldn't say a
sensible word to me. "Well," he said, "we'll think it over, and advise
about it." And all he did was pull at the cords of his dressing-gown.
LÍPOCHKA. Why does he just fold his arms and sentimentalize? Why, it's
disgusting to see how long this lasts.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Really, now, why is he showing off? Aren't we as
good as he is?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Plague take him; can't we find another fellow?
BOLSHÓV. Don't you look for another, or the same thing will happen again.
I'll find another for you myself.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Yes, much you will, unless you get down off the
stove and hustle. You've actually forgotten, I think, that you have a
daughter.
BOLSHÓV. We'll see!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. We'll see what? We'll see nothing! Bah--don't talk
to me, please; don't aggravate me. [_She sits down._
_BOLSHÓV bursts out laughing;_ USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA _walks off with_ LÍPOCHKA
_to the other side of the stage_. USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA _inspects the girl's
dress._
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. My! how you're dolled up--that dress certainly makes you
look better. You didn't make it yourself, did you?
LÍPOCHKA. Horrible need I had of making it! Why, do you think we're
beggars? What are dressmakers for?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Beggars, the idea! Who's saying anything so foolish
to you? They can tell from your house-keeping that you didn't make it
yourself. However, your dress is a fright.
LÍPOCHKA. What's the matter with you? Have you lost your wits? Where are
your eyes? What gave you that wild notion?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What are you getting on your high horse for?
LÍPOCHKA. Nonsense! Think I'll stand such rubbish? What, am I an
uncultivated hussy!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What are you taking on so for? Where did such a caprice
come from? Am I finding fault with your dress? Why, isn't it a dress?--and
anybody will say it's a dress. But it isn't becoming to you; it's
absolutely not the right thing for your style of beauty--blot out my
soul if I lie. For you a gold one would be little enough; let's have one
embroidered with seed-pearls. Ah! there you smile, my jewel! You see, I
know what I'm talking about!
TISHKA. [_Entering_] Sysóy Psoich wants me to ask whether he, says he, can
come in. He's out there with Lázar Elizárych.
BOLSHÓV. March! Call him in here with Lázar.
TISHKA _goes out_.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Well, now, the relish isn't ready for nothing: we'll
take a snack. Now, Ustinya Naúmovna, I suppose you've been wanting a drop
of vodka for a long time?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Just the thing--it's one o'clock, the admiral's
lunch-time.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Now, Samsón Sílych, move out of that place; what are
you sitting there like that for?
BOLSHÓV. Wait a minute; they're coming up. There's time enough.
LÍPOCHKA. Mamma, I'll go change my dress.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Run along, my dear, run along.
BOLSHÓV. Wait a minute before changing--there's a suitor coming.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What sort of a suitor can that be? Quit your
fooling.
BOLSHÓV. Wait a bit, Lipa, there's a suitor coming.
LÍPOCHKA. Who is it, daddy? Do I know him or not?
BOLSHÓV. You'll see him in a minute; and then, perhaps, you'll recognize
him.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What are you listening to him for? What sort of a
clown is coming? He's just talking to hear himself talk.
BOLSHÓV. I told you that he was coming; and I usually know what I'm talking
about.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. If anybody were actually coming, then you'd be
talking sense; but you keep saying he's coming, he's coming, but God knows
who it is that's coming. It's always like that.
LÍPOCHKA. Well, in that case I'll stay, mamma. [_She goes to the mirror and
looks at herself. Then to her father_] Daddy!
BOLSHÓV. What do you want?
LÍPOCHKA. I'm ashamed to tell you, daddy!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Ashamed of what, you little fool? Speak out if you
need anything.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Shame isn't smoke--it won't eat out your eyes.
LÍPOCHKA. No, by heavens, I'm ashamed!
BOLSHÓV. Well, hide your face if you're ashamed!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Do you want a new hat; is that it?
LÍPOCHKA. There! you didn't guess it. No, not a hat.
BOLSHÓV. Then what do you want?
LÍPOCHKA. To marry a soldier!
BOLSHÓV. Just listen to that!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Wake up, you shameless girl! Lord help you!
LÍPOCHKA. Why--you see, others marry soldiers.
BOLSHÓV. Well, let 'em marry 'em; you just sit by the sea and wait for a
fair breeze.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. And don't you dare give me any of your lip! I won't
give you my mother's blessing.
SCENE IV
_The same and_ LÁZAR, RISPOLÓZHENSKY, _and_ FOMÍNISHNA _in the doorway_.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. How do you do, my dear Samsón Sílych! How do you do, my
dear Agraféna Kondrátyevna! Olimpiáda Samsónovna, how do you do!
BOLSHÓV. How are you, old man, how are you! Do us the favor to sit down.
You sit down, too, Lázar!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Won't you have a snack? I have a relish all ready
for you.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Why shouldn't I, dear lady? I'd just like a thimbleful of
something now.
BOLSHÓV. Let's all go in together pretty soon; but now, meanwhile, we can
have a little talk.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Why not have a little talk? D'you know, my jewels, I
heard--it must have been printed in the newspaper, whether it's true or
not--that a second Bonaparte has been born, and it may be, my jewels----
BOLSHÓV. Bonaparte's all right, but we'll trust most of all in the mercy of
God; it's not a question of that now.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What is it a question of, my pearl?
BOLSHÓV. Why, about the fact that our years are approaching their decline;
our health also is failing every minute, and the Creator alone can foresee
what is ahead. So we have proposed, while we're still living, to give in
marriage our only daughter; and in regard to her settlement we may hope
also that she'll not bring into ill repute our resources and origin; above
all, in other people's eyes.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Just hear how sweetly he tells that, the jewel!
BOLSHÓV. And since now our daughter is here in person, and in view of the
fact that we are convinced of the honorable conduct and the sufficient
means of our future son-in-law, which for us is a matter of extreme
concern, in consideration of God's blessing, we hereby designate him in the
presence of these witnesses. Lipa, come here.
LÍPOCHKA. What do you want, daddy?
BOLSHÓV. Come here to me. I shan't eat you, never fear. Well, now, Lázar,
toddle up!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Been ready a long time, sir!
BOLSHÓV. Now, Lipa, give me your hand.
LÍPOCHKA. How! What nonsense is this? Where did you get this rubbish?
BOLSHÓV. Look out that I don't have to force you!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Now you're catching it, young lady!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Lord! What on earth is this?
LÍPOCHKA. I don't want to! I don't want to! I won't marry anything so
disgusting!
FOMÍNISHNA. The power of the cross be with us!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Evidently, daddy, it's not for me to see happiness in this
world! Evidently, sir, it can't be as you would wish!
BOLSHÓV. [_Seizes_ LÍPOCHKA _violently by the arm; takes_ LÁZAR'S _hand_]
Why can't it, if I want it to be? What am I your father for, if not to
command you? Have I fed her for nothing?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What're you doing! What're you doing! Recollect
yourself!
BOLSHÓV. Stay on your own side of the fence! This is none of your business!
Well, Lipa! Here's your future husband! I ask you to love and cherish him!
Sit down side by side and talk nice; and then we'll have a fine dinner and
set about the wedding.
LÍPOCHKA. What! Do you think I want to sit down with that booby! What
nonsense!
BOLSHÓV. If you won't sit down, I'll sit you down, and put an end to your
monkey-business!
LÍPOCHKA. Who ever heard of educated young ladies being married off to
their employees!
BOLSHÓV. Better shut up! If I say so, you'll marry the porter. [_Silence_.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Say, now, Agraféna Kondrátyevna, if that isn't a pity!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. I myself, the mother, am as much in the dark as a
clothes-closet. And I can't understand what in the world has caused this!
FOMÍNISHNA. Lord! I'm past sixty, and how many weddings I've seen; but I've
never seen anything so shameful as this.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What do you mean, you murderers; do you want to
dishonor the girl?
BOLSHÓV. Yes, much I have to listen to your high-falutin' talk. I've
decided to marry my daughter to a clerk, and I'll have my way, and don't
you dare argue; I don't give a hang for anybody. Come now, we'll go take
a snack; but just let them kid each other, and maybe they'll make it up
somehow or other.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Let's go, Samsón Sílych, and you and I, for company, will
just take a thimbleful. Yes, yes, Agraféna Kondrátyevna, that's the first
duty, that children should obey their parents. We didn't start that custom,
and we shan't see the last of it.
_They all rise and go out except_ LÍPOCHKA, PODKHALYÚZIN, _and_ AGRAFÉNA
KONDRÁTYEVNA.
LÍPOCHKA. Mamma, what does this mean? Does he want to make a cook of me?
[_She weeps_.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Mamma, ma'am! Such a son-in-law as will respect you and,
naturally, make your old age happy, aside from me you won't find, ma'am.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. How are you going to do that, my dear?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Mamma, ma'am! God has made me aspire so high, ma'am for this
reason, ma'am, because the other fellow, mamma, will turn you down flat,
ma'am; but I, till I land in my coffin [_weeps_], must have feeling, ma'am!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Ah, saints alive! But how can this be?
BOLSHÓV. [_Through the door_] Wife, come here!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Coming, my dear, coming!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Mamma, you remember the word I said just now!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA _goes out_.
SCENE V
LÍPOCHKA _and_ PODKHALYÚZIN
_Silence_
PODKHALYÚZIN. Olimpiáda Samsónovna, ma'am! Olimpiáda Samsónovna! I suppose
you abominate me? Say only one word, ma'am! Just let me kiss your little
hand!
LÍPOCHKA. You blockhead, you ignorant lout!
PODKHALYÚZIN. But why, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, do you want to insult me,
ma'am?
LÍPOCHKA. I'll tell you once, now and forever, that I won't marry you, and
I won't!
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's just as you please, ma'am! Love can't be forced. Only
here's what I want to announce to you, ma'am----
LÍPOCHKA. I won't listen to you; go away from me! As if you were an
educated gentleman! You see that I wouldn't marry you for anything in the
world--you ought to break off yourself!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Now, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, you were pleased to say "break
off." Only, if I should break off, what would happen then, ma'am?
LÍPOCHKA. Why, the thing that would happen would be that I'd marry an
aristocrat.
PODKHALYÚZIN. An aristocrat, ma'am! But an aristocrat won't take you
without a dowry!
LÍPOCHKA. What do you mean, without dowry? What are you talking about? Just
take a look and see what kind of a dowry I have; it fairly hits you in the
face!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Those dish-rags, ma'am? A nobleman won't take dish-rags. A
nobleman wants it in cash, ma'am.
LÍPOCHKA. What of it? Dad will give cash!
PODKHALYÚZIN. All right, if he will, ma'am! But what if he hasn't any to
give? You don't know about your papa's affairs, but I know 'em mighty well;
your papa's a bankrupt, ma'am.
LÍPOCHKA. What do you mean, bankrupt? And the house and shops?
PODKHALYÚZIN. The house and shops--are mine, ma'am!
LÍPOCHKA. Yours! Get out! Are you trying to make a fool of me? Look for a
bigger goose than I am.
PODKHALYÚZIN. But I have here some legal documents. [_He produces them._
LÍPOCHKA. So you bought them of dad?
PODKHALYÚZIN. I did, ma'am!
LÍPOCHKA. Where'd you get the money?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Money! Glory to God, I have more money than any nobleman.
LÍPOCHKA. What in the world are they doing to me? They've been bringing me
up all these years, and then go bankrupt! [_Silence._
PODKHALYÚZIN. Now suppose, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, that you married a
nobleman--what will that ever amount to, ma'am? Only the glory of being a
lady, but not the least pleasure, ma'am. Please consider: ladies themselves
often go to the market on foot, ma'am. And if they do drive out anywhere,
then it's only the glory of having four horses; but the whole team ain't
worth one merchant's horse. By heaven, it ain't, ma'am! And they don't
dress so blamed superbly either, ma'am! But if, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, you
should marry me, ma'am--here's the first word: you'll wear silk gowns even
at home, and visiting, and to the theatre, ma'am--and we shan't dress you
in anything but velvets. In respect to hats and cloaks--we won't care
what's in style with the nobility, but we'll furnish you the finest ever!
We'll get horses from the Orlov stud. [_Silence_] If you have doubts on the
question of my looks, then that's just as you like, ma'am; I'll put on a
dress coat, and trim my beard or cut it off, according to the fashion,
ma'am; that's all one to me, ma'am.
LÍPOCHKA. You all talk that way before the wedding; but afterwards you
cheat us.
PODKHALYÚZIN. May I die on the spot, Olimpiáda Samsónovna! Damnation blast
me if I lie! Why should I, Olimpiáda Samsónovna? D'you think we'll live
in a house like this? We'll buy one in the Karetny, ma'am; and how we'll
decorate it! We'll have birds of paradise on the ceilings, sirens, various
Coopids[1]--people'll pay good money just to look at it.
[Footnote 1: These are not the only words that Podkhalyúzin mispronounces;
_Olimpiáda_ is another.]
LÍPOCHKA. They don't paint Coopids any more nowadays.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Then we'll let 'em paint bókays. [_Silence_] If you'd only
agree on your side, then I don't want anything more in life. [_Silence_]
How unfortunate I am, anyhow, that I can't say nice compliments.
LÍPOCHKA. Why don't you talk French, Lázar Elizárych?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Because there was no reason why I should. [_Silence_] Make
me happy, Olimpiáda Samsónovna; grant me that blessing, ma'am. [_Silence_]
Just tell me to kneel to you.
LÍPOCHKA. Well, do it! [PODKHALYÚZIN _kneels_] What a horrid waistcoat you
have on!
PODKHALYÚZIN. I'll give this one to Tishka, ma'am, and I'll get myself one
on the Kuznetsky Bridge, only don't ruin me! [_Silence_] Well, Olimpiáda
Samsónovna, ma'am?
LÍPOCHKA. Let me think.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Think about what, ma'am?
LÍPOCHKA. How can I help thinking?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, you don't need to think!
LÍPOCHKA. I'll tell you what, Lázar Elizárych!
PODKHALYÚZIN. What're your orders, ma'am?
LÍPOCHKA. Carry me off on the quiet.
PODKHALYÚZIN. But why on the quiet, ma'am, when your papa and mamma are so
willing?
LÍPOCHKA. That's quite the thing to do. Well, if you don't want to carry me
off, why, let it go as it is.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Olimpiáda Samsónovna, just let me kiss your little hand! [_He
kisses it; then he jumps up and runs to the door_] Daddy, sir!
LÍPOCHKA. Lázar Elizárych! Lázar Elizárych! Come here!
PODKHALYÚZIN. What do you want, ma'am?
LÍPOCHKA. Oh, if you knew, Lázar Elizárych, what my life here is like!
Mamma says one thing one day, and another the next; papa, when he isn't
drunk, has nothing to say; but when he's drunk he's apt to beat you at any
moment. How's a cultivated young lady going to endure such a life? Now, if
I could marry a nobleman, I'd go out of this house, and could forget about
all that. But now everything will go on as before.
PODKHALYÚZIN. No, ma'am, Olimpiáda Samsónovna; it won't be that way!
Olimpiáda Samsónovna, as soon as we've celebrated the wedding, we'll move
into our own house, ma'am. And then we won't let 'em boss us. No, here's an
end to all that, ma'am! That'll do for them--they ran things in their day,
now it's our turn.
LÍPOCHKA. Just look here, Lázar Elizárych, we shall live by ourselves at
our house, and they by themselves at their house. We'll do everything
fashionably, and they, just as they please.
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's the idea, ma'am.
LÍPOCHKA. Well, call papa now.
[_She rises and prinks before the mirror._
PODKHALYÚZIN. Papa! Papa! Sir! Mamma!
SCENE VI
_The same,_ BOLSHÓV, _and_ AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA
PODKHALYÚZIN. [_Goes to meet_ SAMSÓN SÍLYCH _and throws his arms about him
in an embrace_] Olimpiáda Samsónovna has agreed, sir!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. I'm coming, my dears, I'm coming!
BOLSHÓV. Well, that's talking! Just the thing! I know what I'm doing; it's
not for you to teach me.
PODKHALYÚZIN. [To AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA] Mamma, ma'am! Let me kiss your
hand!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Kiss away, my dear; they're both clean. Ah, you
blessed child, has it been long since you decided? Ah? Good heavens! What's
this? I absolutely didn't know how to decide this matter. Oh, my own little
darling, you!
LÍPOCHKA. Mamma, I positively didn't know that Lázar Elizárych was such a
well-educated gentleman! But now I see at once that he's infinitely more
respectful than the others.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Well, well, well, you little goose! As if your
father would wish you any harm! Ah, mamma's little dove! What a little
story, eh? Oh, my holy saints! What in the world is this? Fomínishna!
Fomínishna!
FOMÍNISHNA. Coming, coming, my dear, coming! [_She comes in._
BOLSHÓV. Stop, you gabbler! Now you two just sit down side by side, and
we'll have a look at you. Fomínishna, bring up a little bottle of fizz.
PODKHALYÚZIN _and_ LÍPOCHKA _sit down._
FOMÍNISHNA. Right away, my dear, right away! [_She goes out._]
SCENE VII
_The same,_ USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA, _and_ RISPOLÓZHENSKY
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Congratulate the bride and groom to be, Ustinya
Naúmovna! God has brought us to a ripe old age; we have lived to see
happiness!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What have I got to congratulate you with, my jewels? My
mouth's too dry to sing your praises.
BOLSHÓV. Well, now, we'll wet your whistle.
SCENE VIII
_The same_, FOMÍNISHNA, _and_ TISHKA, _who is bringing wine on a tray_.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Aha! here's a matter of a different sort. Well, God grant
you live long, keep young, grow fat, and be rich! _[She drinks]_ It's
bitter, my jewels! _[LÍPOCHKA and LÁZAR kiss]_ Ah! that sweetens it!
BOLSHÓV. Just let me drink their health. _[He takes the glass_; LÍPOCHKA
_and_ LÁZAR _stand up]_ Live as you think best--you're reasonable beings.
But so that you won't find life a bore, the house and shops go to you,
Lázar, in place of dowry, and I'll throw in some ready cash.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Many thanks, daddy; I'm well satisfied with what you've done
for me as it is.
BOLSHÓV. Nothing to thank me for! They're my own goods--I made 'em myself.
I give 'em to whomever I please. Pour me another! [TISHKA _pours another
glass]_ But what's the good of talking! Kindness is no crime! Take
everything, only feed me and the old woman, and pay off the creditors at
ten kopeks on the ruble.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, daddy, that's not worth talking about, sir! Don't I know
what feeling is? It's a family affair--we'll settle it ourselves.
BOLSHÓV. I tell you, take it all, and there's an end to it! And nobody can
boss me! Only pay my creditors. Will you pay 'em?
PODKHALYÚZIN. If you please, dad, that's my first duty, sir.
BOLSHÓV. Only you look out--don't give 'em much. As it is, I suppose you'll
be fool enough to pay the whole debt.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh, we'll settle it later, daddy, somehow. If you please,
it's a family affair.
BOLSHÓV. Come, all right! Don't you give 'em more than ten kopeks. That'll
do for them. Well, kiss each other!
_LÍPOCHKA and LÁZAR do so._
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Ah, my little doves! How in the world did it happen!
I declare I've quite lost my head.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA.
"Whoever heard or saw such things?
The elephant's learning to fly with wings;
The hen laid a door-knob instead of an egg;
And piggy is dancing a jig on a keg!"
_She pours out wine and goes up to RISPOLÓZHENSKY; RISPOLÓZHENSKY bows and
declines the wine._
BOLSHÓV. Drink to their happiness, Sysóy Psoich.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. I can't, Samsón Sílych--it turns my stomach!
BOLSHÓV. Go along with you! Drink to their happiness.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. He's always showing off!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. It turns my stomach, Samsón Sílych! By heaven, it does!
I'll just take a thimbleful of vodka. But my nature won't stand the other.
I have such a weak constitution.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Bah! you long-necked goose! Nonsense--much your nature
won't stand it! Give it here. I'll pour it down his collar if he won't
drink it!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. No fair, Ustinya Naúmovna! That ain't nice for a lady to
do. Samsón Sílych, I can't, sir! Would I have refused it? He! he! he! What
kind of a blockhead am I, that I should do anything so rude? I've seen high
society, I know how to live. Now, I never refuse vodka; if you don't mind,
I'll just take a thimbleful! But this I simply can't drink--it turns my
stomach. Samsón Sílych, don't you allow all this disorderly conduct; it's
easy to insult a man, but it ain't nice.
BOLSHÓV. Give it to him hot and heavy, Ustinya Naúmovna, hot and heavy!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY _runs away from her._
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. _[Placing the wine on the table]_ You shan't get away
from me, you old son of a sea-cook! _[She pushes him into a corner and
seizes him by the collar._
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Police!
_All burst out laughing._
ACT IV
_A richly furnished chamber in the house of PODKHALYÚZIN_
SCENE I
_OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA is sitting luxuriously near the window; she wears a
silk waist, and a bonnet of the latest fashion. PODKHALYÚZIN, in a stylish
frock coat, stands before the mirror. Behind him TISHKA is adjusting his
master's clothes, and adding the finishing touches._
TISHKA. There now, it fits you to a T!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Well, Tishka, do I look like a Frenchman? Ah! Step away and
look at me!
TISHKA. Like as two peas.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Go along, you blockhead! Now you just look at me. _[He walks
about the room]_ There now, Olimpiáda Samsónovna! And you wanted to marry
an officer, ma'am! Ain't I a sport, though? I picked the smartest coat I
could find and put it on.
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. But you don't know how to dance, Lázar Elizárych.
PODKHALYÚZIN. What of it--won't I learn, though, and the raggiest ever! In
the winter we're going to attend the Merchants' Assemblies. You just watch
us, ma'am! I'm going to dance the polka.
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. Now, Lázar Elizárych, you buy that carriage we saw at
Arbatsky's.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Of course, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, ma'am! Of course, by all
means!
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. They've brought me a new cloak; you and I ought to go
Friday to Sokolniki.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Of course, most certainly we'll go, ma'am; and we'll drive in
the park on Sundays. You see our carriage is worth a thousand rubles, and
the horses a thousand, and the harness mounted with silver--just let 'em
look! Tishka! My pipe. _[TISHKA goes out. PODKHALYÚZIN sits down beside
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA]_ Just so, ma'am, Olimpiáda Samsónovna; you just let
'em watch us.
_[Silence.]_
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. Well, why don't you kiss me, Lázar Elizárych?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, sure! Permit me, ma'am! With great pleasure! If you
please, your little hand, ma'am! _[He kisses it. Silence]_ Olimpiáda
Samsónovna, say something to me in the French dialect, ma'am!
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. What shall I say to you?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh, say anything--any little thing, ma'am. It's all the same
to me, ma'am!
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. _Kom voo zet zholi!_
PODKHALYÚZIN. What does that mean, ma'am?
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. How nice you are!
PODKHALYÚZIN. _[Jumping up from his chair]_ Aha! now here's a wife for you,
ma'am! Hooray, Olimpiáda Samsónovna! You've treated me fine! Your little
hand, please!
_Enter_ TISHKA _with the pipe._
TISHKA. Ustinya Naúmovna has come.
PODKHALYÚZIN. What the devil is she here for!
TISHKA _goes out._
SCENE II
_The same and_ USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. How are you managing to live, my jewels?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Thanks to your prayers, Ustinya Naúmovna, thanks to your
prayers.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. [_Kissing_ OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA] Why, I believe you've
grown better looking, and have filled out a bit!
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. Bah, what nonsense you're chattering, Ustinya
Naúmovna! Now, what struck you to come here?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What nonsense, my jewel! Here's what's up. Whether you
like it or not, you can't help it.--If you like to slide down-hill you've
got to pull up your sled.--Now, why have you forgotten me completely, my
jewels? Or haven't you had a chance yet to look about you? I suppose you're
all the time billing and cooing.
PODKHALYÚZIN. We have that failing, Ustinya Naúmovna; we have it.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Come, come now: just see what a nice sweetheart I got for
you.
PODKHALYÚZIN. We're well satisfied, Ustinya Naúmovna; we're well satisfied.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. How could you be dissatisfied, my ruby? What's the matter
with you! I suppose you're all the time bustling around over new clothes,
now. Have you laid in a stock of stylish things yet?
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. Not much so far, and that mostly because the new
stuffs have just come in.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Naturally, my pearl, you can't help it; let 'em be of
poor goods, so long's they're blue! But what kind of dresses did you order
most of, woollens or silks?
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. All sorts--both woollens and silks; not long ago I
had a crape made with gold trimmings.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. How much have you, all-in-all, my jewel?
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. Here, count: my wedding-dress of blond lace over
a satin slip; and three velvets--that makes four; two gauze and a
crape embroidered with gold--that's seven; three satin, and three
grosgrain--that's thirteen; gros de Naples and gros d'Afrique,
seven--that's twenty; three marceline, two mousseline de ligne, two Chine
royale--how many's that?--three and four's seven, and twenty--twenty-seven;
four crape Rachel--that's thirty-one. Then there are muslins, bouffe
mousseline and calico, about twenty, and then waists and morning
jackets--about nine or ten. And then I've just had one made of Persian
stuff.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Lord help you, what heaps you've got! But you go and pick
out for me the largest of the gros d'Afrique ones.
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. I won't give you a gros d'Afrique. I have only three
myself; besides, it wouldn't suit your figure: now, if you want to, you can
take a crape Rachel.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What in time do I want with a tripe Rachel. Evidently
there's nothing to be done with you; I'll be satisfied with a satin one,
and let it go at that.
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. Well, and the satin, too--it's not quite the thing,
cut ballroom style, very low--you understand? But I'll look up a crape
Rachel jacket; we'll let out the tucks, and it'll fit you like the paper on
the wall.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Well, bring on your tripe Rachel! You win, my ruby; go
open the clothes closet.
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. Right away; wait just a minute.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I'll wait, my jewel, I'll wait. Besides, I have to have
a little talk with your husband. [OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA _goes out_] What's
this, my jewel, have you entirely forgotten about your promise?
PODKHALYÚZIN. How could I forget, ma'am? I remember. [_He takes out his
pocketbook and gives her a note._
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Why, what's this, my diamond?
PODKHALYÚZIN. One hundred rubles, ma'am!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Only one hundred? Why, you promised me fifteen hundred!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Wha--at, ma'am?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. You promised me fifteen hundred!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Ain't that a bit steep? Won't you be living too high?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What's this, you barnyard cockerel; are you trying to
joke with me, man? I'm a mighty cocky lady myself!
PODKHALYÚZIN. But why should I give you money? I'd do it if there were any
occasion for it.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Whether for something or for nothing, give it here--you
promised it yourself!
PODKHALYÚZIN. What if I did promise! I promised to jump from the Tower of
Ivan the Great, provided I married Olimpiáda Samsónovna; should I jump?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Do you think I won't have the law on you? Much I care
that you're a merchant of the second guild; I'm in the fourteenth class
myself, and even if that ain't much, I'm an official's wife all the same.
PODKHALYÚZIN. You may be a general's wife--it's all the same to me; I won't
have anything to do with you! And there's an end to it!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. You lie, it ain't! You promised me a sable cloak.
PODKHALYÚZIN. What, ma'am?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. A sable cloak! Have you grown deaf, maybe?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Sable, ma'am! He, he, he!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Yes, sable! What are you laughing and stretching your
mouth at?
PODKHALYÚZIN. You haven't gone out for a stroll with your mug in a sable
cloak[1] yet, have you?
[Footnote 1: Russian fur cloaks, it may be useful to remember, have broad
collars that can be turned up to protect the face.]
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA _brings in a dress and hands it to_ USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA.
SCENE III
_The same and_ OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What in the world is the matter with you; do you want to
rob me, maybe?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Rob you, nothing! You just go to the devil, and be done with
you!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Are you going to turn me out? And I, senseless idiot,
agreed to work for you: I can see now your vulgar blood!
PODKHALYÚZIN. What, ma'am! Speak, if you please!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. When it comes to that, I don't care to look at you! Not
for any amount of money on earth will I agree to associate with you! I'll
go twenty miles out of my way, but I won't go by you! I'll sooner shut my
eyes and bump into a horse, than stand and look at your dirty den! Even if
I want to spit, I'll never set foot in this street again! Break me in ten
pieces if I lie! You can go to the infernal jim-jams if you ever see me
here again!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Easy now, aunty, easy!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I'll show you up, my jewels: you'll find out! I'll give
you such a rep in Moscow that you won't dare show your face in public!--Oh!
I'm a fool, a fool to have anything to do with such a person! And I, a lady
of rank and position!--Fah, fah, fall! [_She goes out._
PODKHALYÚZIN. Well, the blue-blooded lady flew off the handle! Oh, Lord,
what an official she is! There's a proverb that says: "The thunderbolt
strikes, not from the clouds, but from the dung-heap." Good Lord! Just look
at her; what a lady!
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. Bright idea of yours, Lázar Elizárych, ever to have
anything to do with her!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Really, a very absurd woman.
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. [_Glancing out of the window_] I believe they've let
daddy out of the pen; go see, Lázar Elizárych.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Well, no, ma'am; they won't let daddy out of the pen soon,
either; most likely they ordered him to the meeting of the creditors,
and then he got leave to come home. Mamma, ma'am! Agraféna Kondrátyevna!
Daddy's coming, ma'am!
SCENE IV
_The same,_ BOLSHÓV, _and_ AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Where is he? Where is he? My own children, my little
doves! [_Kisses are exchanged._
PODKHALYÚZIN. Daddy, how do you do, our respects!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. My little dove, Samsón Sílych, my treasure! You've
left me an orphan in my old age!
BOLSHÓV. That'll do, wife; stop!
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. What's the matter with you, ma? you're crying over
him as if he were dead! God only knows what's happened.
BOLSHÓV. That's just it, daughter; God only knows; but all the same your
father's in jail.
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. Why, daddy, there are better people than you and me
there, too.
BOLSHÓV. There are, that's so! But how does it feel to be there? How'd you
like to go through the street with a soldier? Oh, daughter! You see they've
known me here in this city for forty years; for forty years they've all
bowed to me down to their belts, but now the street brats point their
fingers at me.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. You haven't any color at all, my darling! You look
like a ghost.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Ah, daddy, God is merciful! When the rough places are
smoothed over it'll all be pleasant again. Well, daddy, what do the
creditors say?
BOLSHÓV. Here's what: they've agreed on the terms. "What's the use," they
say, "of dragging it out? Maybe it'll do good, maybe it won't; but just
give something in cash, and deuce take you!"
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why not give 'em something, sir! By all means do, sir! But do
they ask much, daddy?
BOLSHÓV. They ask twenty-five kopeks.
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's a good deal, daddy!
BOLSHÓV. Well, man, I know myself that it's a good deal; but what's to be
done? They won't take less.
PODKHALYÚZIN. If they'd take ten kopeks, then it'd be all right sir. Seven
and a half for satisfaction, and two and a half for the expenses of the
meeting.
BOLSHÓV. That's the way I talked; but they won't listen to it.
PODKHALYÚZIN. They carry it blamed high! But won't they take eight kopeks
in five years?
BOLSHÓV. What's the use, Lázar, we'll have to give twenty-five; that's what
we proposed at first.
PODKHALYÚZIN. But how, daddy! You yourself used to say not to give more
than ten kopeks, sir. Just consider yourself: at the rate of twenty-five
kopeks, that's a lot of money. Daddy, wouldn't you like to take a snack of
something, sir? Mamma! order them to bring some vodka, and have them start
the samovar; and we, for company's sake, 'll just take a thimbleful,
sir.--But twenty-five kopeks's a lot, sir!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Right away, my dear, right away! [She goes out.
BOLSHÓV. But what are you talking to me for: of course, I know it's a good
deal, but how can I help it? They'll put you in the pen for a year and a
half; they'll have a soldier lead you through the streets every week, and
if you don't watch out, they'll even transfer you to prison: so you'd be
glad to give even half a ruble. You don't know where to hide yourself from
mere shame.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA _enters with vodka_; TISHKA _brings in relishes, and
goes out_.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. My own little dove! Eat, my dear, eat! I suppose
they half starve you there!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Eat, daddy! Don't be particular; we're offering you such as
we have.
BOLSHÓV. Thanks, Lázar, thanks! [_He drinks_] Take a drink yourself.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Your health! [_He drinks_] Mamma, won't you have some, ma'am?
Please do!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Holy saints, what am I to do now? Such is the will
of God! O Lord, my God! Ah, my own little dove, you!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Ah, mamma, God is merciful; we'll get out of it somehow. Not
all at once, ma'am!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Lord grant we may! As it is, it makes me pine away
simply looking at him.
BOLSHÓV. Well, what about it, Lázar?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Ten kopeks, if you please, I'll give, sir, as we said.
BOLSHÓV. But where am I going to get fifteen more? I can't make 'em out of
door-mats.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Daddy, I can't raise 'em, sir! God sees that I can't, sir!
BOLSHÓV. What's the matter, Lázar? What's the matter? What have you done
with the money?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Now you just consider: here I'm setting up in business--have
fixed up a house. But do have something to eat, daddy! You can have some
Madeira if you want it, sir! Mamma, pass daddy something.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Eat, Samsón Sílych, dear! Eat! I'll pour out a
little punch for you, dear!
BOLSHÓV. [_Drinks_] Rescue me, my children, rescue me!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Here, daddy, you were pleased to ask what I had done with the
money?--How can you ask, sir? Just consider yourself: I'm beginning to do
business; of course, without capital it's impossible, sir; there's nothing
to begin on. Here, I've bought a house; we've ordered everything that a
good house ought to have, horses, and one thing and another. Just consider
yourself! One has to think about the children.
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. Why, daddy, we can't strip ourselves bare! We're none
of your common townspeople.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Daddy, please consider: to-day, without capital, sir, without
capital you can't do much business.
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. I lived with you until I was twenty years old, daddy,
and was a regular stay-at-home. What, would you have me give back the money
to you, and go about again in calico-print clothes?
BOLSHÓV. What are you saying? What are you saying? Recollect! You see I'm
not asking any kindness of you, but my rights. Are you human beings?
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. Why, of course, daddy, we're human beings; we're not
animals.
BOLSHÓV. Lázar, you just recollect; you see, I've given away everything to
you, fairly wiped my slate clean; here's what I've got left, you see! You
see, I took you into my house when you were a little rascal, you heartless
scoundrel! I gave you food and drink as if I were your own father, and set
you up in the world. But did I ever see any sort of gratitude in you?
Did I? Recollect, Lázar, how many times have I noticed that you were
light-fingered! What of it? I didn't drive you away as if you were a beast,
I didn't tell on you all over town. I made you my head clerk; I gave all my
property away to you; and to you, Lázar, I gave even my daughter, with my
own hand. If you hadn't received permission from me, you'd never have dared
look at her.
PODKHALYÚZIN. If you please, daddy, I feel all that very keenly, sir.
BOLSHÓV. Yes, you do! You ought to give everything away as I did, and leave
yourself nothing but your shirt, just to rescue your benefactor. But I
don't ask that, I don't need to; you simply pay out for me what's expected
now.
PODKHALYÚZIN. And why shouldn't I pay, sir? Only they ask a price that's
wholly unreasonable.
BOLSHÓV. But am _I_ asking it? I begged out of every one of your kopeks I
could; I begged, and bowed down to their feet; but what can I do, when they
won't come down one little bit?
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. We have told you, daddy, that we can't pay more than
ten kopeks--and there's no use saying any more about it.
BOLSHÓV. And so, daughter, you say: "Go along now, you old devil, you, into
the pen! Yes, into the pen! Off to prison with him, the old blockhead! And
it serves him right!"--Don't chase after great wealth, be contented with
what you have. But if you do chase after wealth, they'll take away
the last you have, and strip you clean. And it'll come about that
you'll run out onto the Stone Bridge, and throw yourself into the river
Moscow. And they'll haul you out by your tongue, and put you in prison.
[_All are silent_; BOLSHÓV _drinks_] But you just think a bit: what kind of
a walk am I going to have to the pen now? How am I going to shut my eyes?
Now the Ilyínka will seem to me a hundred miles long. Just think, how
it will seem to walk along the Ilyínka! It's just as if the devils were
dragging my sinful soul through torment; Lord, forgive me for saying so!
And then past the Iver Chapel[1]: how am I going to look upon her, the Holy
Mother?--You know, Lázar; Judas, you see, sold even Christ for money, just
as we sell our conscience for money. And what happened to him because of
it?--And then there are the government offices, the criminal tribunal!--You
see, I did it with set purpose, with malice aforethought.--You see, they'll
exile me to Siberia. O Lord!--If you won't give me the money for any other
reason, give it as charity, for Christ's sake. [_He weeps_.
[Footnote 1: In which there is a miracle-working image of the Virgin.]
PODKHALYÚZIN. What's the matter, what's the matter, daddy? There, there,
now! God is merciful! What's the matter with you? We'll fix it up somehow.
It's all in our hands.
BOLSHÓV. I need money, Lázar, money. There's nothing else to fix it with.
Either money or Siberia.
PODKHALYÚZIN. And I'll give you money, sir, if you'll only let up. As it
is, I'll add five kopeks more.
BOLSHÓV. What have we come to! Have you any Christian feeling in you? I
need twenty-five kopeks, Lázar!
PODKHALYÚZIN. No, daddy, that's a good deal, sir; by heaven, that's a good
deal!
BOLSHÓV. You nest of snakes!
[_He falls with his head upon the table_.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Barbarian, you barbarian! Robber that you are! You
shan't have my blessing! You'll dry up, money and all; you'll dry up, dying
before your time! You robber! Robber that you are!
PODKHALYÚZIN. That'll do, mamma; you're angering God. Why are you cursing
me when you haven't looked into the business? You can see that daddy has
got a bit tipsy, and you start to make a row.
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. It would be better for you, ma, to keep still! You
seem to enjoy sending people to the third hell. I know: you'll catch it for
this. It must be for that reason God didn't give you any more children.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Keep still yourself, shameless creature! You were
enough of a punishment for God to send me!
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. You think everybody's shameless and that you're the
only good person. But you ought to take a good look at yourself: all you
can do is fast one day extra every week, and not a day goes by that you
don't bark at somebody.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Shame on you! Shame on you! Oh! Oh! Oh!--I'll curse
you in all the churches!
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. Curse away if you want to!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Yes, that's it! You'll die, and not rot! Yes!
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. Much I shall!
BOLSHÓV. [_Rising_] Well, good-by, children!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, daddy, sit still! We've got to settle this business
somehow or other.
BOLSHÓV. Settle what? I see plainly enough that the jig is up. You'll make
a mistake if you don't do me up brown! Don't you pay anything for me; let
'em do what they please. Good-by, it's time I was going.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Good-by, daddy! God is merciful---you'll get out of this
somehow.
BOLSHÓV. Good-by, wife.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Good-by, Samsón Sílych, dear! When'll they let us
come to see you in jail?
BOLSHÓV. Don't know.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Then I'll inquire, otherwise you'll die there
without our seeing you.
BOLSHÓV. Good-by, daughter! Good-by, Olimpiáda Samsónovna! Well, now you're
going to be rich, and live like a princess. That means assemblies and
balls--devil's own amusements! But don't you forget, Olimpiáda Samsónovna,
that there are cells with iron bars, and poor prisoners are sitting in
them. Don't forget us poor prisoners.
[_He goes out with_ AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Ah! Olimpiáda Samsónovna, ma'am! How awkward, ma'am! I pity
your father, by heaven I pity him, ma'am! Hadn't I better go myself and
compound with his creditors? Don't you think I'd better, ma'am? Yet he
himself will soften them better. Ah! Or shall I go? I'll go, ma'am! Tishka!
OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA. Do just as you please--it's your business.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Tishka! [TISHKA _enters_] Give me my old coat, the worst one
there is. [TISHKA _goes out_] As I am, they'd think I must be rich; and in
that case, there'd be no coming to terms.
SCENE V
_The same_, RISPOLÓZHENSKY _and_ AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. My dear Agraféna Kondrátyevna, haven't you pickled your
cucumbers yet?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. No, my dear. Cucumbers now, indeed! What do I care
about them! But have you pickled yours?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Certainly we have, my dear lady. Nowadays they're very
dear; they say the frost got them. My dear Lázar Elizárych, how do you do?
Is that vodka? I'll just take a thimbleful, Lázar Elizárych.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA _goes out with_ OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why is it you've favored us with a visit, may I inquire?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. He, he, he!--What a joker you are, Lázar Elizárych! Of
course you know why.
PODKHALYÚZIN. And what may that be, I should like to know, sir?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. For money, Lázar Elizárych, for money! Anybody else might
come for something different, but I always come for money!
PODKHALYÚZIN. You come mighty blamed often for money.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. How can I help it, Lázar Elizárych, when you give me only
five rubles at a time? You see I have a family.
PODKHALYÚZIN. You couldn't expect me to give you a hundred at a time!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. If you'd give it to me all at once, I shouldn't keep coming
to you.
PODKHALYÚZIN. You know about as much about business as a pig does about
pineapples; and what's more, you take bribes. Why should I give you
anything?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Why, indeed!--You yourself promised to!
PODKHALYÚZIN. I myself promised! Well, I've given you money--you've made
your profit, and that'll do; it's time to turn over a new leaf.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. What do you mean by "time to turn over a new leaf"? You
still owe me fifteen hundred rubles.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Owe you! Owe you! As if you had some document! And what for?
For your rascality!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. What do you mean by "rascality"? For my toil, not for my
rascality!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Your toil!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Well, whatever it may be for, just give me the money, or a
note for it.
PODKHALYÚZIN. What, sir! A note! Not much, you come again when you're a
little older.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Do you want to swindle me with my little children?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Swindle, indeed! Here, take five rubles more, and go to the
devil.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. No, wait! You'll not get rid of me with that.
TISHKA _enters_.
PODKHALYÚZIN. What are you going to do to me?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. My tongue isn't bought up yet.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh, perhaps you want to lick me, do you?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. No, not lick you, but to tell the whole thing to all
respectable people.
PODKHALYÚZIN. What are you going to talk about, you son of a sea-cook! And
who's going to believe you?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Who's going to believe me?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Yes! Who's going to believe you? Just take a look at
yourself!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Who's going to believe me? Who's going to believe me?
You'll see! Yes, you'll see! Holy saints, but what can I do? It's my death!
He's swindling me, the robber, swindling me! No, you wait! You'll see! It's
against the law to swindle!
PODKHALYÚZIN. But what'll I see?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Here's what you'll see! You just wait, just wait, just
wait! You think I won't have the law on you? You wait!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Wait; yes, wait!--As it is, I've waited long enough. Quit
your bluffing, you don't scare me.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. You think no one will believe me? Won't believe me? Well,
let 'em insult me! I--here's what I'll do: Most honorable public!
PODKHALYÚZIN. What're you doing? What're you doing? Wake up!
TISHKA. Shame on you; you're just running around drunk!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Wait, wait!--Most honorable public! I have a wife, four
children--look at these miserable boots!--
PODKHALYÚZIN. All lies, gentlemen! A most dishonorable man, gentlemen!
That'll do for you, that'll do!--You'd better look out for yourself first,
and see what you're up to!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Lemme go! He plundered his father-in-law! And he's
swindling me.--A wife, four children, worn-out boots!
TISHKA. You can have 'em half-soled.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. What're you talking about? You're a swindler, too!
TISHKA. Not at all, sir; never mind.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh! But what are you moralizing about?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. No, you wait! I'll remember you! I'll send you to Siberia!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Don't believe him, it's all lies, gentlemen! There,
gentlemen, he's a most dishonorable man himself, gentlemen; he isn't worth
your notice! Bah, my boy, what a lout you are! Well, I never knew you--and
not for any blessings on earth would I have anything to do with you.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Hold on there, hold on! Take that, you dog! Well, may you
be strangled with my money, and go to the devil! [_He goes out_.
PODKHALYÚZIN. How mad he got! [_To the public_] Don't you believe him, I
mean him who was talking, gentlemen--that's all lies. None of that ever
happened. He must have seen all that in a dream. But now we're just opening
a little shop: favor us with your patronage. Send the baby to us, and we
won't sell him a wormy apple!