the feet; a cold brick is a bad thing for the head.
[Illustration]]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY (44 B.C.) "Twenty-three for you," shouted
Brutus to Cæsar, and when they counted
the stab wounds they found Brutus had
enumerated correctly.
MONDAY
TUESDAY (1776) Washington arrives at Dorchester Heights
and finds 25,000 bushels of wheat.
"I am glad it isn't breakfast food,"
said George.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (192 B.C.) First mention of Baseball. Sparta
joins the Achean league--it was easy to
slide in Greece.
FRIDAY LONGEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR
The colicky baby's father,
As he croons his soothing song,
His thanks should give that he doesn't live
Where the nights are six months long.
SATURDAY
DECEMBER
"Even those who can't read like to look at the
pictures."--Willie B. Hearsed
(Politically)?
ADVICE TO PARENTS
It is now pretty generally believed that the name given to
one to bear with him night and day, during all his years,
has a most important influence in the work of shaping his
life and fortune.
* * * * *
No doubt a careful investigation of the subject would show
that most of the bare-pated men of the nation are so because
while they were still helpless little children they were
named Archibald, Theobald, Baldwin, and the like, whereas,
had they been named Harry, or Harold, or Aaron, they would
still be blest with well-thatched polls.
* * * * *
It is the bounden duty of parents to determine the business
or profession in which they intend their children shall
engage. If they wish their son to become a fancy
poultry-breeder they should name him Egbert or Henry; if
they wish him to become a surgeon they should call him
Lancelot; if an arithmetician, Adam; if a clown, Guy or
Joshua; if a street car driver, Oscar; if a real estate
dealer, Lot or Orlando; if a man of wealth, Richard; if a
debtor, Owen; and if they wish him to "go to grass,"
Timothy.
* * * * *
The same degree of thoughtful care should be exercised in
naming girls, as well. If a girl is to become a musician she
should be called Octavia or Dora; if a milliner, Hattie; if
a writer, Adaline; if a cook, Dinah or Amelia; and so on to
the end of the chapter.
[Sidenote: ? Why is the standard octopus like a water-lily?
Oh, fudge! It isn't like a water-lily at all. It is more
like the skunk cabbage which gets a head in the world, but
is always in bad odor.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY (1660) Charles II, chased by subpoena from
Cromwell, wins record of being most
difficult man in the world to subpoena.
(1906) Rockefeller smashes record of Charles II.
MONDAY
TUESDAY (1620) Pilgrims land at Plymouth in little
Mayflower.
(1906) Records show that little Mayflower
brought over 38,000,000 carloads of
ancestors, candlesticks, furniture, etc.
WEDNESDAY (1906) Chinese missionaries threatened.
(Next day) Missionaries leave tracts and make
new ones for home.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY The day before Christmas will seem the longest
day in the year if you are expecting any
presents.
SATURDAY
DECEMBER
Wit is something bright, thought of after the guests have
departed.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS
DIFFIDENT--The proper way to handle a lobster is to have him
arrested.
ECONOMY--We know of no place where toothbrushes are
laundered.
HISTORIAN--You are right. Noah was the largest individual
holder of watered stock during his age.
SCIENCE--Yes, ice is slippery on both sides.
WELL WISHER--We return the $5 note. We cannot accept
counterfeit money from admirers.
SPORT--You lose. Adam was born an orphan.
* * * * *
RECENT INVENTIONS
A charming addition to the safety razor is a little fountain
attachment that sprinkles the user with Bay Rum.
* * * * *
Up-to-date bachelors are rapidly adopting the new unlosable
collar button. This collar button is made of rubber with a
little electric light attachment and is guaranteed to bounce
for five minutes. Every time it strikes the floor, the
impact causes the light to shine brilliantly, thus making it
impossible to lose sight of even in the darkest corner.
[Sidenote: _A New Year Thought_: Now is the time to take
your pen in hand--to meditate, to practise faithfully until
you write with ease, one--nine--naught--EIGHT.]
[Sidenote: _To Develop the Calf_: Permit it to remain with
its mother for two or three weeks. Then teach it to drink
milk out of pail.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY (1278) Ottocar died in Vienna.
(1895) Automobile born in France.
MONDAY
TUESDAY (1373) Leopold, archduke of Austria, named his
son Rupert for the benefit of modern
novelists.
WEDNESDAY (1340) Cannon first used in England.
(1906) Roosevelt uses Cannon in the House of
Representatives.
THURSDAY CORRESPONDENT ANSWERED
Editor Foolish Almanack:--
What ails my hens? Every morning I
find two or three lying on their backs, toes
curled up, never to rise again.
CONSTANT READER.
Skowhegan, Me.
Answer:--Your hens are dead.--Ed.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
DECEMBER
Health Hint:--If you have a "broken bone" try to save the
change.
_Number 1 in the "Foolish Series"_
_The_ Foolish Dictionary
_by_ GIDEON WURDZ
_Author of "Foolish Finance"_
Over fifty illustrations by Wallace Goldsmith.
More than one hundred thousand copies of "_The Foolish
Dictionary_" have been sold, and throughout the country its
seven hundred witty definitions are quoted in every walk of
life.
It is a book for everybody who loves fun in words--in fact
it's
A DICTIONARY _of_ HUMOR
_Uniform with "Foolish Finance." Cloth Price 75c_
JOHN W. LUCE _and_ COMPANY
BOSTON _and_ LONDON
_Number 3 in the "Foolish Series"_
_Foolish Finance_
_by_ GIDEON WURDZ
_Author of "The Foolish Dictionary"_
A mirthful book on all branches of finance,
familiarizing the uninitiated with the funny side of
losing money, while making Wall Street see the joke
on themselves.
"The Author aims his witty shafts at the monopolists,
railroads, banks, mines, insurance companies, and on
every page there is something to provoke a
smile."--_Boston Herald_
Over fifty characteristically funny illustrations by Wallace
Goldsmith.
_Uniform with "Foolish Dictionary". Cloth Price 75c_
JOHN W. LUCE _and_ COMPANY
BOSTON _and_ LONDON
_Containing a Wealth of Nimble Jest_
_Foolish Etiquette_
written by that Brilliant Coterie so Giddy-on-Words, whose
contributions to "The Foolish Dictionary," "Foolish Finance"
and "The Foolish Almanac" have made those books nationally
notable, here appearing under the pseudonym of
_O. B. HAYVE_
Over 100 Characteristic Illustrations by Wallace Goldsmith
whose humorous sketches are such an important feature of
_The Foolish Series_.
"Even more entertaining, we think, than either of its
predecessors."--_Boston Advertiser_, June 25, 1906.
"Wit and cleverness."--_N.Y. Tribune_, June 30, 1906.
_Cloth, uniform with other books in this series, 7-3/8 x
4-1/2. 160 Pages. Price 75c_
JOHN W. LUCE _and_ COMPANY
BOSTON _and_ LONDON
ADDITIONAL TITLES _from_ JOHN W. LUCE & COMPANY'S LIST
THE GIRL IN WAITING, by Archibald Eyre. "A very
unusual novel." [$1.50
ALL BY WIRE
A love episode told in 100 fac-simile telegrams. [$1.00
THE MISFIT CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS, by the Consolation Club.
A Christmas Story, beautifully illustrated
by Wallace Goldsmith. [$1.25
THE CANTERVILLE GHOST, by Wilde. An inimitable satire,
and grotesquely amusing. [$1.00
Illustrated by Wallace Goldsmith.
A BACHELOR'S CUPBOARD, by A. Lyman Phillips.
Everything a bachelor should know. [$1.00
THE FOOLISH ALMANACK (1st).
If you like one you will like the other. [$ .75
LOVE LETTERS OF HENRY VIII to Anne Boleyn.
Genuine copies, exquisitely bound in full leather. [$1.50
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW; HIS PLAYS. A critical analysis
by Henry L. Mencken. [$1.00
ON GOING TO CHURCH, by George Bernard Shaw. [$ .75
EPIGRAMS AND APHORISMS, by Oscar Wilde.
Sparks from a brilliant mind. [$1.50
Any of the above books will be sent by the publishers,
postage prepaid, on receipt of price.
JOHN W. LUCE AND COMPANY
31 BEACON STREET BOSTON