waist.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1509) Henry VIII began to get married.
SATURDAY
AUGUST
A man admires a woman for what he thinks she is; a woman
admires a man for what she thinks he has.
HELPFUL HINT FOR SEPTEMBER
Excuse us, but we will not suggest any method for removing a
coat of tan. We are assured on the best authority that Alice
blue, radium gray, and fluorescent green will be the popular
shades this summer. However, if yours is a tan coat,
unbutton it and pull your arms out first; it will then come
off easily enough.
* * * * *
IS THE SUN INHABITED?
An astronomer from Indiana claims to have discovered that
the Sun is inhabited.
* * * * *
The Public will probably hoot at this just as it hooted at
Columbus when he said the Earth was round.
* * * * *
The Public also hooted at wireless telegraphy in its early
stages.
* * * * *
The Public is now hooting at the idea of airships ever
becoming common carriers.
* * * * *
The Sun may be inhabited, who knows?
* * * * *
This astronomer from Indiana may not be as buggy as he
really appears at first blush.
* * * * *
The Sun is hot, 'tis true, but Hell is also hot.
* * * * *
And Hell is inhabited.
[Sidenote: _Financial Note_: When in doubt, do the first one
you come across.]
[Sidenote: _Marine Note_: High rollers don't always come in
from the sea.]
[Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat
off.]
SUNDAY IT HEADS THE LIST
In a book showing all
Of the gowns great and small
Wives have worn since this old world begun,
That first dress of Eve's,
Which she fashioned of leaves,
Should be, properly, labeled "Fig. 1."
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (1848) Patent issued for converting fine
coal into solid lumps.
(1906) Patent sought for converting fine
poetry into filthy lucre.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
SEPTEMBER
It's a long lane that hides no lovers.
SIMPLE HOUSEHOLD RECIPES FOR VEGETARIANS
HAY A-LA-MODE
Take a pound of best timothy and soak it over night in fresh
brine. Peel carefully and place it in a vegetable ivory
saucepan. Add the yolk of an egg-plant and stir dreamily
over an electric-fan till it disappears. Serve it right.
* * * * *
NUT CUTLET
Procure two dozen new nuts from any hardware shop. Grind
them into a paste of about the consistency of the average
politician. Over this pour a little Standard Oil from which
the dividends have been removed, and stir briskly with a
subpoena till the oil begins to run; pour off, strain, and
beat the paste with an axe until it looks and tastes like a
veal cutlet.
* * * * *
IMITATION POTTED HARE
Take a false hare and pot it. This will be potted imitation
hare, to be used for decorative purposes only.
* * * * *
STEWED RUBBER PLANT
Cut the plant into rubber bands, add a pinch of rubber
cement and beat the whole mixture to beat the band until it
will stretch without breaking. This rule is elastic.
[Sidenote: _Ticker Note_: Bull movements are carefully
watched in Mexico and Spain.]
[Sidenote: _Fashion Note_: Many a hose is worn to be seen.]
[Illustration: It's always harvest time for me.]
SUNDAY (1,10,000 B.C.) Aphrodite born from the "foam
of the sea."
(1 A.D.) "Katzenjammer" born from the foam of
too many "schooners."
MONDAY
TUESDAY General opening of Public Schools.
General opening of Oysters.
WEDNESDAY (1777) Brandywine proves a bad mixture for the
colonial troops.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (Sept. 15, 1693) Public lotteries established
in England. Marriage encouraged.
SATURDAY
SEPTEMBER
That love is blind accounts for so many miscues.
HEALTH HINTS
To cure seasickness: Turn the entire system inside out and
hang it over the rail of the ship where the salt spray can
drench it. Under this treatment the patient is pretty sure
to feel somewhat relieved within a few days after the time
of going ashore.
* * * * *
Persons troubled with poor circulation should ascertain how
to increase the same by consulting the editor of their
favorite Sunday newspaper.
* * * * *
Weak respiration may be improved by a diet of onions. They
are highly recommended for strengthening the breath.
* * * * *
For insomnia try snoring, which is always a symptom of SOUND
sleep.
* * * * *
To prevent hay fever: Go not in the way of the kittenish
grass widow.
* * * * *
Care should be taken to prevent the occupants of the
penitentiary from getting the measles. It would make trouble
should they all break out at once.
[Sidenote: _Financial Note_: For "dust" in the house, ask
hubby.]
[Sidenote: _Art Note_: An artists' model is not necessarily
a model of good behavior.
[Illustration]
]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY
MONDAY (862 B.C.) Jonah took the first trip in a
submarine.
TUESDAY (753 B.C.) Romulus and Remus open a milk route.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1709) Pianoforte invented by Bartolommeo
Cristofori. His assassination soon
follows.
SATURDAY
SEPTEMBER
It is better to laugh at a joke you don't understand than to
weep over the efforts of your friend to explain it.
LITTLE STUDIES IN NATURAL HISTORY
_How to Trim Rich Relations._
This is a very dangerous and delicate operation as the
subjects can only be approached when they are asleep.
Provide yourself with a black-jack, a bottle of chloroform
and a sponge. About three in the morning enter the room
where the Richest Relation is sleeping. Going noiselessly to
the bed, hold the sponge saturated with chloroform above the
Richest Relation's nose. As his sleep becomes more profound,
lower the sponge, and finally, with a quick motion, jam it
in his mouth. Then strike his head with the black-jack,
using all your strength. Rich Relations are suspicious and
you cannot be too careful in business matters. This done,
cut out the gold, silver, or bills, from his pockets, and
any jewels or trinkets that you may find.
Note: In most cases it will not be necessary to kill the
subject before you can do the trimming.
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: While sleeping it is best to lie
on the right side; also while awake.]
[Illustration: It's always harvest time for me. The trusts.]
SUNDAY (1629) First theater in America established in
Boston. Patti opened theater with first
farewell performance.
MONDAY
TUESDAY "The bathing dresses are very pretty, but I'm
sure I can't imagine where they buy such long
stockings."
--Aunt Mary's letter from the seashore.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1593) Anthony Comstock would have indicted
Shakespeare for writing Venus and Adonis.
SATURDAY
SEPTEMBER
Those who live in glass houses should conduct themselves
accordingly.
RARE RECIPES
_TO MAKE A LIVING_: To one old woman with money add
"soft-soap" to her taste. Sweeten with gush. Mix with a
wedding ceremony and shake quickly when you have her money.
[Illustration]
_TO MAKE ANGEL-FOOD_: Take a "peach" with red lips. Add a
shadynook. Sweeten with kisses. Serve in the moonlight.
* * * * *
_TO PRESERVE MONEY_: Take a roll of "yellow-backs" from
whoever has one. Mix with all the money you can borrow. Put
in a strong-box and let it stand till the police have
forgotten you. Repeat the process and cover with a prominent
part in church affairs.
[Sidenote: _Entomological Note_: In Washington the Katy-dids
now say Teddy did, Teddy didn't.]
[Sidenote: _Home Hint_: Servant girls should be picked early
this month. If picked green they often last the whole
winter. It is inadvisable to pick them too fresh.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY (1296) Society of "Merchant Adventurers"
established by John, of Biabaut.
(1901) Steal Trust organized by Morgan, of
New York.
MONDAY
TUESDAY "One may write for the Ladies' Home Journal
without having to read it."
--Kudyard Ripling.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (15,001 B.C.) Venus explains platonic
friendship to Adonis.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY (575 B.C.) Horatius beat Lars Porsena at a
game of bridge.
OCTOBER
There's many a cup 'twixt the office and the ferry slip.
YOU NEVER CAN TELL
Sons of great men oft remind us
That no matter what our fame,
Offspring that we leave behind us
May be lobsters, just the same.
[Illustration: Stage Entrance.]
[Sidenote: _Economical Hint_: A good imitation of soapsuds
may be made by shaking a bottle of champagne and then
opening the bottle.]
[Illustration: Push those clouds away. He's not the only one
with a first quarter. Aw you know me.]
SUNDAY (1781) Battle of Eutaw.
(1906) W. C. T. U. tries to throw Smoot out of
the Senate.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (673) Theodre, of England, calls first Council
of Bishops.
(1906) Theodore, of Washington, calls Council
of Muck-rakers.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY FIRST CANOE--Doesn't it make you tired to be
taken out by one of those fresh young men who
doesn't know how to paddle?
SECOND CANOE--Yes, it often quite upsets me.
SATURDAY
OCTOBER
There is some good in every heart, some rubber in every
neck.
HELPFUL HINT FOR OCTOBER
If you have carelessly left your ermine muff and neck-piece
where the moths have attacked it during the summer, an easy
and simple way to remedy the damage will be--but wait! Maybe
you haven't any ermine muff and neck-piece. Far be it from
us to touch a tender spot.
* * * * *
She--(very décolleté). How far do you think a girl ought to
go toward revealing the secrets of her heart?
He--(sizing her up). Well, I should say you'd gone about the
limit.
[Sidenote: _Footwear Advice_: Two empty bananas make a very
good pair of slippers.]
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: There is no sure cure for
laziness, but a second wife may relieve it.]
[Illustration: Now what's to become of the Milky Way.]
SUNDAY There was a young man from St. Louis
Who'd eat nothing else but chop souis,
A habit he learned
When his medals he earned
In the fight at Manila with Douis!
MONDAY
TUESDAY (1196) Diet at Wurzburg--beer and pretzels.
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY "Half a suit of pajamas is better than no
nightie." --Hindoo Proverb.
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
OCTOBER
The easiest way to put a baby to sleep is the rockiest way.
TO THE GODDESS ON THE DOLLAR
Fair maid, how I have longed for thee,
That classic face of thine
I feared would never look on me,
Much less be wholly mine!
And now that thou art mine indeed--
In fact my last resource--
There comes, alas, through direful need,
The time for our divorce!
[Illustration]
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: A good way to air your room is to
turn it wrong side out and hang it out the window.]
[Illustration: Doth see me freckles. Look pleasant please.]
SUNDAY A BUSINESS POINTER
"When I can read my title clear
To mansions in the skies,"
I will not care for riches here,
And cease to advertise.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1753) Popularity of "the" Pompadour at height.
(1906) Marcel wave in the ascendant.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1558) Salters' company founded in London.
(1875) Hetty Green elected a 33d degree member.
SATURDAY
OCTOBER
The eye is the window of the soul.
The mouth is the subway of the face.
RECIPE FOR MAKING PUMPKIN PIE
THE KIND THAT MOTHER DIDN'T USED TO MAKE
(Copyrighted)
First get your pumpkin. Then kill it and skin it. Cut
pumpkin into small hunks with an axe. Boil the hunks. Boil
them some more. Continue to boil hunks until they become a
mucky gob. Unless you produce a mucky gob, the pie will be
lumpy. Add fresh picked eggs to common cow's milk. Beat the
eggs. They may be hard to beat, but beat them. Use a carpet
beater if necessary. Now pinch the salt and add the pinch.
Add a dash of cinnamon, add a few nutmegs (whole); these
will give the pie that rich, nutty flavor so much desired.
Add three-fourths cup of molasses. Do not add mustard--this
is not a mustard plaster, it is a pie. Now add this mixture
to the mucky gob. Stir until thoroughly mixed. Let stand
while you give your pie-pans a coat of crust. Then pour
mixture into pie-pans until they slop over. Place in a hot
oven. When you can't stick a fork into the pies, they are
done. Remove pies from oven and place on the back piazza to
cool. If the dog likes them, they're all right.
[Sidenote: _Etiquette Hint_: To remove a "sticking plaster,"
try yawning.
[Illustration]
]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY SUCH A JAIS!
There was a young man from Calais
Who saw a soubrette at a plais.
Her beauty all fled
When her make-up was shed,
And his idol proved nothing but clais!
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (60 B.C.) Cleopatra invents peek-a-boo waists.
(60 B.C.) Antony becomes first easy Marc.
(1906) Peek-a-boo waist is the pneumonia waist
in September.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
OCTOBER
The baby's favorite, often heard at night--a high-bawl in
A flat.
HELPFUL HINT FOR NOVEMBER
Do not put brandy in your mince pies. It spoils it--the
brandy, we mean.
We cannot speak too strongly against the pernicious habit of
doctoring mince meat with brandy. It lures men on. The first
baleful bite rouses the appetite, and soon they will be
eating mince pie after mince pie all day, and eventually be
laid up with indigestion. And even the aggressive clove
curls up and faints when ordered to disguise a mince pie
breath.
* * * * *
HOW TO GET RID OF THE GYPSY MOTH
First, climb the tree where he resides and carefully put him
in your hip pocket; then fall heavily to the ground, landing
on your back in such a manner as to disfigure the moth
permanently.
If he survives, circulate stories derogatory to gypsies
generally and he will leave of his own accord.
[Sidenote: _Horticultural Note_: This is a good month to get
a slip from an ice plant. Walk through it without rubbers.
[Illustration]
]
[Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat
off.]
SUNDAY EVOLUTION
"I'm not a beauty, I'll allow,"
Said the poor mule, lank and old,
"But I'm less of a jackass, anyhow,
Than my father was, I'm told."
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1904) Prohibitionists nominated Swallow for
President. He went down easily.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1905) Roosevelt discovered that he was
nominated June "23."
(1906) Roosevelt decides not to run for third
term.
SATURDAY
NOVEMBER
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and, according to all
accounts, it also has many other discomforts of home.
FAMILY TREES
Men are luckless farmers,
Their Family Trees will show,
For many who grafted Peaches
Are ruined by their Blow.
CANNED ADVERTISEMENTS HEAD
GOODS WEAR
_BRAINS MADE TO ORDER!_
Do your brains fit you? Are they of an
inferior quality? Do they make you a
living?
... USE ...
OLD DR. WISE'S BRAINS!
We have reached the highest perfection
point in the manufacture of brains and can
supply you with canned brains at reasonable
prices. Put up only in pints and quarts.
Prices on application.
BRAINS ON TRIAL!
Send us your name and we will ship you
direct a complete set of our brains on trial.
Use them 30 days and if, at the end of that
period, you find them not all we claim,
return them to us at our expense.
SECOND-HAND BRAINS TAKEN IN
EXCHANGE!
THE WISE GRAY
MATTER CO.
Boston, Mass.
[Sidenote: _Golf Rule_: If you strike your partner, while
driving, the stroke counts against him.]
[Sidenote: _Health Note_: To cure palpitation of the heart,
it is best to ask her at once and have it over with.]
[Illustration: Push those clouds away. He's not the only one
with a first quarter. Aw you know me.]
SUNDAY GENEALOGICAL NOTE
Any low-browed, brindle rooster
Can kerdoodle if he choose ter
And strut about and cackle, "Tra la la!"
But an incubator chicken
Hatched by steam's a mighty slick un'
If it's wise enough to recognize its ma.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY (1640) Torture abolished in England.
(1906) Corsets still worn.
FRIDAY Law now off on certain fish. Get the hook.
SATURDAY
NOVEMBER
Home is where you are not allowed to sit on the sofa
pillows.
FORECAST FOR NOVEMBER
The period between the 1st and the 9th will be marked by
cold in the head and feet. To relieve cold feet bathe them
in hot water before retiring; if they're your wife's, do the
same. Another way to relieve cold feet is to get out of the
game. From the 9th to the 16th there will be hard sledding
for the poor and automobiling for the rich. Along the latter
part of the month there will be a wave of hot mince pie,
turkey, cranberry sauce, and other good things, followed by
headache in the northern portion and stomach-ache in the
southern portion.
* * * * *
Sagittarius (the Archer) is the sign in the Zodiac for
November. It is "Sag's" business to shoot any good weather
that shows itself above the skyline. Sometimes when "Sag" is
not looking the summer Indian sneaks through the picket
line.
[Sidenote: _Poultry Hint_: Time spent in trying to reform a
bad egg is time wasted.]
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Persons troubled with rheumatics
should avoid attic rooms, but those who have the "shingles"
can sleep on the roof.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY METEORO-LOGICAL
MONDAY "One swallow does not make a summer,"
Still, 'tis clear to all
That swallows enough of the right sort of stuff
Are certain to make a fall.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1775) Washington's army, barefooted in the
snow at Valley Forge, swore that it
would, later on, whip the British
"out of their boots."
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (4004 B.C.) Popular songs invented by Adam, who
introduced "There's only one girl in the
world for me!"
SATURDAY
NOVEMBER
Circumstances open cases.
HOW TO VIEW AN ECLIPSE
To properly view an eclipse to its full, a party of several
good spirits should get together. Whether an eclipse of the
sun or the moon, each should take a glass and smoke it. A
great deal depends on the quality and character of the
glass. Some glasses are much more certain to reveal an
eclipse than are others.
* * * * *
If the first glass when properly smoked does not show the
eclipse, try another and a stronger one. It is very probable
that this glass will show the sun or the moon in the throes
of an eclipse. Still another glass will show two suns or two
moons. The third glass is likely to show several moons and
several suns, fixed stars and those that need fixing, comets
and milky ways, sky-rockets and pin-wheels, all combining to
eclipse the finest display of Fourth of July fireworks ever
projected by the mind of man.
* * * * *
And when the beholder of this mighty spectacle wakes up
during the afternoon of the following day and sees but one
simple unadorned sun doing business in the whole expanse of
the broad, blue heavens, he has a feeling of pity for all
those who retired early the night before and missed the
social, spiritual, and educative uplift that comes from
viewing an eclipse under just the proper conditions.
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Young ladies desiring more color
in their cheeks should try brushing the same with a two
days' growth of bristles on a masculine chin.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY WHO DARES?
MONDAY Some men are brave, no doubt, in war,
But the iron-nerved rip-snorter
Is the fellow who rides in the sleeping-car
And refuses to tip the potter.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1890) Improved excelsior machines invented.
Same date--Breakfast food introduced.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1828) Daniel O'Connell, elected to parliament,
refuses to take the oath.
Same date--First and only time on record a
politician ever refused to take anything.
SATURDAY
NOVEMBER
The man behind the man in front constitutes a pull, not a
push.
HELPFUL HINT FOR DECEMBER
Now, do not show your resentment toward those who forgot to
send you presents last Christmas. Send each of them a little
remembrance--but be sure to select something that will force
them to spend forty or fifty dollars to take care of it or
to surround it with the proper atmosphere. This is much
better than mailing a post card and letting it go at that.
NEAR EYES ADVERTISEMENTS SPECTACLES
FAR EYES EXTRAVAGANZAS
_EYES TESTED AT HOME_
[Illustration]
It is a deplorable fact that human
vision is falling below the normal
standard day by day. A great many
people weaken their eyes by looking
for work, others in trying to see a
joke where there is no joke.
Our patent home eye tester is
presented herewith. Why pay
good money to an oculist when you
can test your eyes yourself?
DIRECTIONS FOR USING EYE-TESTER
Hold black disc and parallel lines 18
inches in front of your eyes. Close
your eyes and look at diagram intently.
If, then, any one line in the diagram
seems to you to be more alike than any
other line, or if any one line looks to
be more parallel than two lines, you
ought to wear spectacles.
[Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Fatigued brain-workers desiring to
engage in some restful employment should try hair-dressing.
The barber does most of his head-work with his hands.]
[Sidenote: _Household Hint_: Do not mistake the cat for a
sofa pillow; those who sit on the cat, thinking she is a
cushion, will rise again.]
[Illustration: Our last quarter.]
SUNDAY A SACRED THOUGHT
"Oh, had I the wings of a dove!" sang she
And I thought (and I guess it was pat)
If she gets them, on next Sunday morning
we'll see
The two of them pinned on her hat.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1906) Terrible disaster throughout United
States--many magazines have hot-air
explosions, shattering scores of
reputations.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1897) Thousands invest in Keeley motor stock.
(1898) Keeley motor discovered to be a fraud--
first Keeley cure on record.
SATURDAY
DECEMBER
All things come to him who goes after them.
FARMING IN ALASKA
It is encouraging to note that farming in our far Northwest
possessions is on the boom. [Note to printer--be careful not
to make "bum" out of "boom."] A bulletin issued by the
Agricultural Department of our government, just as we go to
press, shows that there are at present in Alaska 12 farms,
four oxen, 13 cows, 176 chickens, 10 pigs, several cases of
pneumonia and numerous games of "freeze-out." During the
fiscal year there was harvested in Alaska $165 worth of hay,
$95 worth of eggs and poultry, and a big crop of ice. There
are certain advantages of farming in Alaska. In harvest
time, for instance, a man never sweats at work. He markets
his milk frozen and sells it by the hunk. You never hear of
anybody crying over spilt milk in Alaska. It's the same way
with eggs--no cold storage needed; the eggs are frozen
before they are layed, thus retaining their fine, fresh
flavor until used. You never hear of an egg passing from the
sublime to the ridiculous stage in Alaska.
* * * * *
Farmers in Alaska plow with ice-picks and shoot the seed
into the soil with a double-barreled shotgun. The 12 farmers
in Alaska held a farmers' institute recently to talk over
prospects for the current year. Basing prospects on $165
worth of hay raised last year, they figure that if
conditions are favorable they will raise $175 worth this
year.
[Sidenote: _Culinary Note_: To pair potatoes, place them two
by two.]
[Sidenote: _Health Note_: For water on the brain try an
umbrella.]
[Illustration]
SUNDAY EVE BEGAN IT
The eternal feminine has not changed much since
the days of Eve, who was the first of her sex
to complain that she hadn't a thing to wear.
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY (1798) George Washington invents the cocktail.
(1906) George Washington acknowledged to be most
popular man in history of the country.
THURSDAY
FRIDAY (1905) Beef Trust declared illegal--whatever
that is.
(1906) Beef Trust demonstrates that there is
no use "beefing about it."
SATURDAY
DECEMBER
Most popular book in the world--the pocketbook.
THE PUBLISHER'S COZY CORNER CHAT
ONE OF OUR AWFUL SMART BOYS
Little George Hathadash lives in Megawolloppey, Maine, and
is now three years old.
This brave ruddy-cheeked boy immediately took the
Megawolloppey agency for the "Saturday Evening Roast,"
feeling sure that his ruddy cheek would carry him through
successfully. Next Sunday, when everybody was gathered in
church, who should come toddling down the aisle but George
Hathadash distributing his first bundle of "Roasts," just as
he had seen the train boy sell candy on a train of cars.
"Better and brighter than any thermon," cried George
Hathadash in his childish treble. "Here's your 'Thaturday
Evening Roast,' the brother-in-law of the 'Ladies' Wall
Paper.' Better and brighter than any thermon."
Of course that attracted attention, and almost before he
knew it George had disposed of his whole bundle and
established himself in business. He is now well on his way
to win the beautiful prize of a silver carving knife that
the "Roast" offers as an extra inducement to its hustling
young salesmen.
There are other prizes and any boy with a good ruddy cheek
is likely to get one of them.
But all boys are not like George Hathadash. We think _he_ is
going to be a President of the Common Council.