_Blanchidine_,} By the celebrated SISTERS STILTON, the Champion
_Brunette_. } Duettists and Clog-dancers.
_Fanny Furbelow._ By MISS SYLVIA SEALSKIN (_by kind permission of
the Gaiety Management_).
_Frank Manly._ By MR. HENRY NEVILLE.
SCENE--_A Sunny Glade in Kensington Gardens, between the Serpentine
and Round Pond_.
_Enter_ BLANCHIDINE _and_ BRUNETTE, _with their arms thrown
affectionately around one another_. BLANCHIDINE _is carrying a large
and expressionless wooden doll_.
_Duet and Step-dance._
_Bl._ Oh, I do adore BRUNETTE! (_Dances._) Tippity-tappity,
tappity-tippity, tippity-tappity, tip-tap!
_Br_. BLANCHIDINE'S the sweetest pet! (_Dances._) Tippity-tappity, &c.
_Together._ When the sun is high,
We come out to ply,
Nobody is nigh,
All is mirth and j'y!
With a pairosol,
We'll protect our doll,
Make a mossy bed
For her wooden head!
[_Combination step-dance, during which both watch their feet with an
air of detached and slightly amused interest, as if they belonged to
some other persons._
Clickity-clack, clickity-clack, clickity, clickity, clickity-clack;
clackity-clickity, clickity-clackity, clackity-clickity-_clack_!
[_Repeat ad. lib._
_Bl._ (_apologetically to Audience_). Her taste in dress is rather
plain! (_Dances._) Tippity-tappity, &c.
_Br._ (_in pitying aside_). It _is_ a pity she's so vain!
(_Dances._) Tippity-tappity, &c.
_Bl._ 'Tis a shime to smoile,
But she's shocking stoyle,
It is quite a troyal,
Still--she mikes a foil!
_Br._ Often I've a job
To suppress a sob,
She is such a snob,
When she meets a nob! [_Step-dance as before._
[_N.B.--In consideration of the well-known difficulty that most
popular variety-artists experience in the metrical delivery of
decasyllabic couplets, the lines which follow have been written as
they will most probably be spoken._
_Bl._ (_looking off with alarm_). Why, here comes FANNY FURBELOW, a
new frock from Paris in! She'll find me with BRUNETTE--it's too
embarrassing!
[_Aside._
_To Brunette._ BRUNETTE, my love, I know _such_ a pretty game we'll
play at--
Poor TIMBURINA'S ill, and the seaside she ought to stay at.
(The Serpentine's the seaside, let's pretend,)
And _you_ shall take her there--(_hypocritically_)--you're such a
friend!
_Br._ (_with simplicity_). Oh, yes, that _will_ be splendid,
BLANCHIDINE,
And then we can go and have a dip in a bathing-machine!
[BLAN. _resigns the wooden doll to_ BRUN., _who skips off
with it_, L., _as_ FANNY FURBELOW _enters_, R., _carrying a
magnificent wax doll_.
_Fanny_ (_languidly_). Ah, howdy do--_isn't_ this heat too frightful?
And so you're quite alone?
_Bl._ (_nervously_). Oh, _quite_--oh yes, I always am alone, when
there's nobody with me.
[_This is a little specimen of the Lady's humorous "gag," at
which she is justly considered a proficient._
_Fanny_ (_drawling_). Delightful!
When I was wondering, only a little while ago,
If I should meet a creature that I know;
Allow me--my new doll, the LADY MINNIE!
_[Introducing doll._
_Bl._ (_rapturously_). Oh, what a perfect love!
_Fanny_. She ought to be--for a guinea!
Here, you may nurse her for a little while.
Be careful, for her frock's the latest style.
[_Gives_ BLAN. _the wax doll_.
She's the best wax, and has three changes of clothing--
For those cheap wooden dolls I've quite a loathing.
_Bl._ (_hastily_). Oh, so have _I_--they're not to be endured!
_Re-enter_ BRUNETTE _with the wooden doll, which she tries to
press upon_ BLANCHIDINE, _much to the latter's confusion_.
_Br._ I've brought poor TIMBURINA back, completely cured!
Why, aren't you pleased? Your face is looking so cloudy!
_F._ (_haughtily_). Is she a friend of _yours_--this little dowdy?
[_Slow music._
_Bl._ (_after an internal struggle_). Oh, no, what an idea! Why, I
don't even know her by name! Some vulgar child ...
[_Lets the wax doll fall unregarded on the gravel._
_Br._ (_indignantly_). Oh, what a horrid shame!
I see _now_ why you sent us to the Serpentine!
_Bl._ (_heartlessly_). There's no occasion to flare up like turpentine.
_Br._ (_ungrammatically_). I'm _not_! Disown your doll, and thrust me,
too, aside,
The one thing left for both of us is--suicide!
Yes, TIMBURINA, us no more she cherishes--
_(Bitterly.)_ Well, the Round Pond a handy place to perish is!
[_Rushes off stage with wooden doll._
_Bl._ (_making a feeble attempt to follow_). Come back, BRUNETTE; don't
leave me thus, in charity!
_F._ (_with contempt_). Well, I'll be off--since you seem to prefer
vulgarity.
_Bl._ No, stay--but--ah, she said--what if she _meant_ it?
_F._ Not she! And, if she did, _we_ can't prevent it.
_Bl._ (_relieved_). That's true--we'll play, and think no more about
her.
_F._ (_sarcastically_). We may _just_ manage to get on without her!
So come--(_perceives doll lying face upwards on path_)--you odious
girl, what have you done?
Left LADY MINNIE lying in the blazing sun!
'Twas done on purpose--oh, you _thing_ perfidious! [_Stamps._
You _knew_ she'd melt, and get completely hideous!
Don't answer _me_, Miss--I wish we'd never met.
You're only fit for persons like BRUNETTE!
[_Picks up doll, and exit in passion._
_Grand Sensation Descriptive Soliloquy, by_ BLANCHIDINE, _to
Melodramatic Music._
_Bl._ Gone! Ah, I am rightly punished! What would I not give now to
have homely little BRUNETTE, and dear old wooden-headed TIMBURINA back
again! _She_ wouldn't melt in the sun.... Where are they now? Great
Heavens! that threat--that rash resolve ... I remember all! 'Twas in
the direction of the Pond they vanished. (_Peeping anxiously between
trees._) Are they still in sight?... Yes, I see them! BRUNETTE has
reached the water's edge.... What is she purposing! Now she kneels on
the rough gravel; she is making TIMBURINA kneel too! How calm and
resolute they both appear! (_Shuddering._) I dare not look
further--but, ah, I must--_I must!_... Horror! I saw her boots flash
for an instant in the bright sunlight; and now the ripples have
closed, smiling over her little black stockings!... Help!--save her,
somebody!--help!... Joy! a gentleman has appeared on the scene--how
handsome, how brave he looks! He has taken in the situation at a
glance! With quiet composure he removes his coat--oh, _don't_ trouble
about folding it up!--and why, _why_ remove your gloves, when there is
not a moment to be lost? Now, with many injunctions, he entrusts his
watch to a bystander, who retires, overcome by emotion. And now--oh,
gallant, heroic soul!--now he is sending his toy terrier into the
seething water! (_Straining eagerly forward._) Ah, the dog paddles
bravely out--he has reached the spot ... oh, he has passed it!--he is
trying to catch a duck! Dog, dog, _is_ this a time for pursuing ducks?
At last he understands--he dives ... he brings up--agony! a small tin
cup! Again ... _this_ time, surely--what, only an old pot-hat!... Oh,
this dog is a fool! And still the Round Pond holds its dread secret!
Once more ... yes--no, yes, it _is_ TIMBURINA! Thank Heaven, she yet
breathes! But BRUNETTE? Can she have stuck in the mud at the bottom?
Ha, she, too, is rescued--saved--ha-ha-ha!--saved, saved, saved!
[_Swoons hysterically, amid deafening applause._
_Enter_ FRANK MANLY, _supporting_ BRUNETTE, _who carries_ TIMBURINA.
_Bl._ (_wildly_). What, do I see you safe, beloved BRUNETTE?
_Br._ Yes, thanks to his courage, I'm not even _wet_!
_Frank_ (_modestly_). Nay, spare your compliments. To rescue Beauty,
When in distress, is every hero's duty!
_Bl._ BRUNETTE, forgive--I'm cured of all my folly!
_Br._ (_heartily_). Of course I will, my dear, and so will dolly!
[_Grand Trio and Step-dance, with "tippity-tappity," and
"clickity-clack" refrain as finale._
* * * * *
[Illustration: "THE NEW GERMAN RIFLE."
(A FANCY SKETCH OF ITS STARTLING APPEARANCE.)
"The Regulations for the employment of the new German Infantry Rifle
have just been published. With regard to the capabilities of the new
rifle, the Regulations assert, that in this arm the German Infantry
possesses a weapon standing fully abreast of the time with a range such
as was heretofore held to be impossible of attainment."--_Standard, Jan.
25._]
* * * * *