A CHAPTER OF CHEATS
On the morrow I rose very contrite for the proneness of my mind towards
pleasures, and calling to remembrance with an excessive sadness, that
protestation of our bailiff's against stage-plays and ungodly shows.
Indeed I began to fear lest Mr. Richard should prove altogether a
perverter of my youth, and promised myself I would avoid his company
henceforward, nor inquire any further after Campaspe and the rest.
Which resolved upon, I felt joyfuller (as a man's recovered virtue doth
generally induce that comfortable feeling) and took pleasure in the
thought that I was this day to relieve the oppressed, and succour them
that were in prison: or at least one of them.
But all these salutary thoughts broke a-scatter, when, chancing to cast
an eye across the street, I saw my gallant that I had withstood
yesterday, again set in his barber's chair, where he indolently
reclined; and the barber dancing before him like a second David with
razor for timbrel. An instant desire took me, to know who my late
adversary might be (so that in any future debate I might have a name to
clap villain to) and bethought me of an easy way whereby to satisfy
myself. Having patiently awaited his departure therefore, I stole
downstairs and over the lane; mounted to the barber's, three steps at
once, and was in his chair demanding to be shaved ere a man could tell
three score.
"Your worship does me a great honour," cried the antick fellow, "and I
will dispatch your business in a trice," which he did, my beard being,
I confess, no great thing as yet.
"Your house is well spoken of," I said carelessly, when he had done,
and I stood cleansing my chin at the basin.
"It is well attended," he replied, bowing, "and that by the best."
"Tell me some that use it," I said in a meditative manner, "it may hap
that I know them."
"There is John a Nokes," replied the barber, with alacrity, "that is
host of the Chequers; but he comes hither no more. And there is Mr.
Nicholas Lovel, that promised me he would come on Wednesday last,
though indeed he failed so to do; and there is moreover the Master of
the Worshipful Company of Painter Stainers whom I used to meet with at
their great hall in Trinity Lane."
"And him you shave," said I, seeing that he paused there.
"Nay, for he hath a singular great beard," he said, "and when he sits
in Council amidst his Company of the Painter Stainers there is none
appeareth more lofty and worshipful than he. I have been a serving man
there," he added with a conspicuous pride, "and worn their livery, so
that it behoveth me to speak well of them, and to pray for their
continuance in prosperity."
"That is all as it should be," quoth I, "but for my question, good
master barber, I do not find you have answered it."
"Cry you mercy," said the little barber with an innocent air, "but
methought I had answered you full and fairly."
"Hath any come hither this morning," I demanded, "besides myself?"
"It is still very early, sir," he replied, rubbing his hands together
the while, "but I hope at noon, now, by the which hour as you know, a
man's beard commenceth to prick sorely..."
"Hold!" I cried, "I speak not of your hopes, but of your performance.
Have you shaved any man this day?"
"Oh, none, sir," he replied, as though it were a thing indecent, and I
shocked him.
"You lie," said I coolly, "for one went forth but now."
The barber: "Surely you mistake, sir ... but now I bethink me it was no
doubt my lord of Pembroke."
"So then my lord of Pembroke serves my lord of Pembroke, belike," I
answered, laughing sourly, "and weareth his cast suits, as did he that
went hence."
I never saw a man so taken aback, and all his graces drooped about him
like a sere garland.
"Come, sir," said I at length, in a great voice, for I was both
wrathful at this fetch, and feared something behind it, "who is this
black-a-vised tall man in brave apparel, that you shave each morning?"
"Oh, good Mr. Cleeve," he cried out trembling, but got no further, for
I had him by the collar.
"Thou hast my name pat enough," said I, very low, and shifted my
fingers to his throat, which I must have held pretty tight, seeing his
face went black and his eyes started forth of it. "To the purpose," I
proceeded and released my grasp somewhat.
He wrested himself loose and stood away gasping.
"Who is the tall man of the narrowed eyes and black complexion?" I
demanded.
"I dare not tell," he whispered, and as it were shook that answer from
his lips.
"He spies upon me, and uses thine house for that purpose," I said, and
gathered certainty from the mere relation of my doubts. "But wherefore
doth he so? That thou must tell me, master barber, and presently, else
will I beat thee with thine own barber's staff."
I made as if to seize him again, but he backed off, howling.
"If you swear," he began, and seeing I paused, "you must swear by the
Book," he said sharply, for I had squeezed his voice as thin as a
knife; "and take what guilt of perjury should be mine in speaking."
I said I would vouchsafe not to reveal who it was that told me, but
that was the extent of my promise; for the rest, I went in danger of my
life, it seemed, or at least of my peace and quiet, which my absolute
silence would but tend to confirm and increase.
The barber appeared satisfied of the justice of this, and having
fetched out a Testament from a cupboard by the door, laid it open in my
hand, but then again hesitated.
"This being so private a matter," he mumbled, "I will first bolt the
door at the foot of the stair, and thereafter will let you into so
great a secret"--he advanced his pinched and sallow face close to my
own and let his voice fall so low that I could scarce hear him--"a
secret so great that your blood shall run cold to hear it."
This coming so pat upon my suspicions, I promise you my blood ran cold
at the sheer hint of it, and I suffered him to leave me and bolt the
great door on the stair, in order to our more perfect privacy. And
bolt the door indeed he did, but upon the wrong side of it; himself
fleeing away in an extremity of apprehension lest (I suppose) I should
get at his pulpy fat neck again and strangle him outright: which
consideration moved him to put the door betwixt us while there was
time; although I believe I should have burst it down despite its great
thickness had it not been that the haberdasher's 'prentices heard me,
and opened it from without. But the barber was clean gone by that,
with his yellow face and his fulsome big secret and the devil to boot.
The fellow's name was Pentecost Soper (so many syllables to so slight a
man), and I have never set eyes on him since.
In no very good humour I returned to the family of the Malts and in ill
case to be spoken to. Yet was I obliged to attend how Madam Malt's
third (or fourth) daughter came to spill the small beer at breakfast
yesterday, and the history being interrupted at the least a score of
times by laughter and denials and (from the infant) by woeful
lamentations, it fell out that I had concluded my meal while the tale
still hung about the start, like an over-weighted galleon off a
lee-shore; until at length Madam Malt (an indifferent mariner)
confessed herself at fault, crying--
"But there! I will tell you all another time, Mr. Denis. It is a rare
tale I warrant you, though Mistress Judith would have had me keep it
secret; as a maid must have her secret, since time was a week gone in
Genesis."
A day that had begun thus, with two secrets so necessary to be divulged
as were the barber's and Mistress Judith's, was (had I known it) to
issue in such horrid disclosures as were to change for me the whole
course of my living, and indeed awhile to suspend upon a doubtful
balance the very living itself. Consequent upon my promise to the old
attorney, I made haste to repair to his lodging as early as I judged it
proper to do so, and therefore after breakfast, it lacking then a
little of nine o'clock, I put on my cloak and hat and set forth. One
consideration I had as I walked, which had weighed heavily upon me
since my last conference with him, and that was whether, and if so
when, I should attempt to get speech of my uncle in prison. It seemed
to me right, and indeed due both to my father and myself (looking to
the hardships of my journey directly across England) that he should
both know and thank us for the diligence we were using in his behalf;
and it was to come at some means whereby I might procure this I had in
view, that I intended to speak with Mr. Skene, no less than to conclude
that we had already put in motion.
'Twas a foggy and thick morning, the weather having suddenly in the
night passed from its extreme of cold into an opposite of mildness, so
that the snow was almost everywhere thawed, and the streets foul and
deep in mire. I was glad enough to turn out of Fleet Street, where
every cart and passenger I met with left me more filthily besprent; so
that twice or thrice I was like to have drawn upon some peaceable
citizen that unawares had sent his vestige mud upon my new bosom. So
hastening into the Inn yard I traversed it and was soon at Mr. Skene's
door, where I knocked loudly and awaited him. The door was soon opened
to me. "Is Mr. Skene within?" I asked; for he himself came not, as
yesterday he had, but an ancient woman, in a soiled coif and apparel
marvellous indecent, stood in the doorway.
"Lord! there be no Skenes here," she said in a harsh voice, "nor aught
else but confusion and labour and sneaped wages, and they delayed.
Skenes!" she ran on like a course of mill-water, "ay, Skenes and scalds
and the quarten ague, and what doth the old fool live for, that was Ann
by the Garlickhithe fifty year since, and worth nigh five-and-thirty
marks or ever Tom Ducket beguiled her out of the virtuous way to the
havoc of her salvation; with a murrain o' his like and small rest to
their souls. A bright eye was mine then, master, that is dull now, and
the bloom of a peach by the southward wall. But now 'tis age and a
troubled mind that irks me, besides this pestering sort of knaves that
live by the law. Ah! Garlickhithe was fair on a May morning once,
lad, and the fairer, they told me, that Ann was fair featured who dwelt
there."
I had suffered the old hag to rave thus far, out of mere astonishment.
For how came it, I asked, that she who cleansed the chamber knew
nothing of the man who occupied his business there. My brain faltered
in its office, and I reeled under the weight of my fears.
"Who then uses these rooms?" I inquired when I could manage my words.
"None to-day nor to-morrow, I warrant, so foul it is," replied the old
wife, and fell to work upon the floor again with her soused clouts,
while she proceeded, "but the day after 'tis one Master Roman from
Oxford removes hither to study at the law. Let him pay me my wages by
the law, lawfully, as he shall answer for it at the Judgment, for I
have been put to charges beyond belief in black soap (that is a
halfpenny the pound in the shops at Bow), and let no one think I take
less than fourpence by the day, for all I live on the Bank-side over
against the Clink."
Without more ado I flung into the chamber past her, and running to the
closet where my money was, had it open on the instant. But the first
sight showed it to me quite bare. Nevertheless, I groped about the
vacancy like a man mad (as I was indeed), crying out that I was
infamously deceived and robbed of five hundred pound. Now searching
thus distractedly, and without either method or precaution, I chanced
to hit my leg a sore great blow against the iron of the latch, and
opened my wound afresh which was not near healed, so that it bled very
profusely. But this, although it weakened me, hindered me nothing, I
continuing a great while after to turn all upside down and to bewail my
loss and Skene's villainy that had undone me.
In the end, however, my fever of dismay abating a little or giving
place to reason, I bethought myself of Mr. Wall, the goldsmith, to whom
perhaps the attorney had thought it safer to convey the gold; and
straightway therefore made off to his house on Cornhill, in a remnant
of hope that my apprehensions should after all prove to be ill-grounded.
He saw me coming, I suppose, for he left his shop to greet me; but when
he observed my infinite distress, he would listen to no word of mine
until he had fetched forth a bottle of Rhenish, and made me drink of
it. The good wine refreshed me mightily, as also, and indeed more, did
the quiet behaviour of Mr. Wall, who counselled me wisely to rest
myself first and after to confine myself to relating the bare matter
without heat or flourish of any kind. "For out of an hot heart proceed
many things inconvenient, as the Apostle plainly shewed," he said,
"whereas out of a cold head proceedeth nothing but what is to the
purpose, and generally profitable; at least in the way of business, Mr.
Denis, I mean in the way of business, which is doubtless the cause of
your honouring me again with your company."
Upon this I told him all, without passion, and directly as it had
befallen. His face, as I spoke, gradually came to assume a deeper
gravity, but he did not interrupt my narration, though I perceived that
in part it was not altogether clear. When I had made an end he sat
long, and then rising, went to his desk and returned to me with a
paper, which was the same I had given to Skene on the yesterday.
"Do you acknowledge that for your hand, Mr. Denis?" he asked me briefly.
"It is mine," I replied wondering.
"Be pleased to read it," said he.
So in a trembling voice I read it aloud, word for word as I had writ it
under Skene's direction; wherein I desired Mr. Wall that he would
disburse to our attorney, as he should have need of them, such sums as
should not in the total exceed five hundred pounds.
"And such was my intention," cried I, infinitely relieved to find all
as I supposed it. But observing that the goldsmith regarded me
something oddly, I added: "I mean that he required the gold, not in
bulk, but in parcels from time to time; and as to that I took away
yesterday, that you were to send for it again."
"You say not so here," said he very quietly.
But upon the instant he had said it, I perceived how the villain had
used my letter, which was to double his booty already gotten; he having
not restored the former sum I had meant this to be in the place of, but
having even possessed himself of this treasure likewise. My
inadvertent laxness of instruction (purposely so phrased by Skene
himself) had given him the opportunity he sought, and I was now by my
folly and misgiven trust, a thousand pounds upon the score in the
goldsmith's books.
There was no occasion for argument betwixt us, where all was manifest
enough, nor yet, by him, for empty expressions of regret, seeing he had
but acted punctually upon my demand. For his pity, I had it, I knew,
though Mr. Wall refrained himself from any expression of it. But
another feeling he had, I could see, which was a doubt whether my
father's credit was sufficient to bear this inordinately increased
burden; nay, whether he would not repudiate the note I had so ineptly
set hand to, staying his conscience on the satisfaction of his proper
bond. I had my answer to that ready, had Mr. Wall proposed the
question; but to his honour he did not. All he put in contribution to
our debate related to Skene's presentation of my note, which being
fairly written and legally expressed, he had neither reason nor scruple
for withholding the loan. As for the bearer of the message, he was a
gentleman of a very noble quiet manner, said Wall, and to this
description of Skene I could not but consent.
In fine there being nought left to say, save on my part that I would
immediately write an account of all to my father (whom I would not
otherwise commit) we parted at the door, and I returned slowly through
the great unfriendly City, sick at heart. Now I had not proceeded far
upon my way when it came upon me that I would seek out my old tutor,
Mr. Jordan; for I greatly yearned after comfort and kindly speech,
which I knew would be his to give, upon the first hint of my
misfortune. By good hap I remembered the lodging where he had said he
might be found, which was in a room of a great house called
Northumberland House in the parish, and over against the Church, of St.
Katherine Colman; which mansion having fallen from its first estate (as
many other within the City have done also) is now parted among such as
do pay rent for their use of chambers therein, as few or many as they
please.
Thither then I inquired out direction; but whether it were by reason of
the intricacy of manifold streets and alleys, or of the mist that from
first overcasting the sky had now descended and thickly muffled up even
the considerable buildings, or else of the opening again of my wound
that sorely sucked away my strength; I say whatsoever the cause were, I
soon confessed myself at a stand and quite bewildered. And moreover to
make bad worse, I perceived myself to have run into a foul and steep
lane, of a most unsavoury stench; the way being nought else than a
kennel pestered with garbage. None seemed to be inhabiting this
unclean byway, or at the least not occupying their business in it; but
the doors stood shut all, and the windows so guarded as one might think
the plague had visited the place and died for lack of life to feed on.
Meanwhile the fog seemed to mitigate something of its blackness before
me; and this it was, I suppose, that drove me still forward rather than
by returning upon my steps to encounter the worst of it that yet hung
like a pall between the desolate houses.
At length I issued at the bottom end into a sort of wide place or yard
(for I could not rightly tell which it were, so dim all lay and I so
confused by pain), but by a certain saltness in the air I guessed it
might be near beside the river, and perhaps led down to one of the
wharves or hithes thereupon. But that I was out of all bearing I knew,
and the knowledge sank my courage utterly, so that I could no more, but
sat down upon a stock by the wayside and wept for very bitterness.
I remember that I said it over like a creed an hundred times that I was
alone, and although I said it not, it beat upon my brain that I was
very near to death.
Soon after I seemed to stumble, and perhaps did indeed sink down from
the timber I rested on; whereat, opening my eyes hastily, I saw face to
face with me, a maid with the countenance of an angel, and an infinite
compassion in her eyes. But the fever altogether had me then, so that
what I report I may not now verify; yet methought she took me by the
hands and raised me, saying (as to herself), "Dear heart, how chill he
is," and then, "Lo! the hurt he hath, poor lad! and it not stanched but
bleeding."
After that I must have swooned, for I remember no more; or at least not
such as I believe did happen, though from the cloud of wild dreams that
began to beset me there drew together as it were a masque of half-truth
in a scene not wholly fantastick. For I stood again in the midst of a
long and steep street, very dark and tempestuous, of which the houses
falling together suddenly with a great noise formed a sort of rift or
tunnel by which I might escape; and at the end of this length of ruin I
perceived a pale blue light burning, to the which painfully groping my
way I saw it was borne by a maid that came toward me; and all this
while I heard a mighty rushing as of water, and voices mingled with it,
loud and laughing. Then as the lass with the light approached me
nearer I knew her for Madam Malt's third (or fourth) daughter, and the
rushing sound I perceived to be the stream of small beer she had spilt;
and the laughter grew and increased horribly and the light went out.
And so, at length, I fell away into an inevitable and profound
forgetfulness.