Produced by K.D. Thornton, Jason Isbell, Josephine Paolucci
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[Illustration: "Mother and Child," by Lorado Taft
So strong is becoming the ambitions of the mothers of to-day to give the
world children that will be an honor to-morrow, that this piece of
marble statuary was erected by the Infant Welfare Society of Chicago to
express the ideal of the most wonderful thing that can come to any
woman--motherhood.]
The Eugenic Marriage
A Personal Guide to the New Science of Better Living and Better Babies
By W. GRANT HAGUE, M.D.
_College of Physicians and Surgeons (Columbia University), New York;
Member of County Medical Society, and of the American Medical
Association_
In Four Volumes
VOLUME III
New York
THE REVIEW OF REVIEWS COMPANY
1916
Copyright, 1913, by
W. GRANT HAGUE
Copyright, 1914, by
W. GRANT HAGUE
TABLE OF CONTENTS
CHAPTER XXIV
THE FORMATIVE PERIOD
The best age at which to marry--Incompatibility of temperament--A happy
marriage need not be a successful one--The evils of early marriage--The
wedding night, its medical aspect--The honeymoon--When marital relations
are painful--Times when marital relations should be suspended--The first
weeks and months of wifehood--The formative period--A true marriage--A
wife's true position in the household--Only 5% of happy
marriages--Period of adaptation--Differences of opinion--Differences of
principle--The attainment of success--Arguing trifles--You must know
what you want--The right kind of wife--Contributing to her husband's
efficiency--What are the requisites of efficiency--Good
health--Thoroughly cooked meals--Rest at night--Having a system--Enough
exercise--Freedom from worry--Do your part--The first quarrel--Fault
finding--The husband's efficiency depends upon the wife--Work must be
interesting--The wife's part ... PAGE 331
ADVICE TO YOUNG WIVES
CHAPTER XXV
HOW TO ACHIEVE
What the young wife owes to herself--Why was I born--What are the
personal qualities necessary to success--What are the personal qualities
necessary to happiness--Self-control--What is a thought--The evil habit
of hasty judgment--The bad thought habit--Training the mind--"Go about
it in the right way"--Be sure your husband's friends are your
friends--Be a good fellow--Two kinds of people in the world--Everything
depends upon what we do with our mind--The most popular woman--The gift
of flattery--Choosing your friends--True friendship expects and demands
nothing--True friendship is necessary--"By your friends shall ye be
known"--Making resolves--The formula of success--When fortune knocks.
... PAGE 357
CHAPTER XXVI
SPARE MOMENTS
The study habit--The germ of self-culture--Millions of tiny cells in our
brain--The economic value of the study habit--Two ways of gaining
knowledge--Happiness in the company of those striving for higher
ideals--A young wife's incentive to self-culture--The difference between
moral and mental disloyalty--The study habit creates its own
interest--Nosophobia, or the dread of disease--"Keep still and be well"
... PAGE 375
THE HOME
CHAPTER XXVII
DOMESTIC QUALITIES
A good housekeeper and home-maker--What constitutes a good
housekeeper--Preparation and selection of meals--Washing dishes--Pots
and pans--Dusting and cleaning--Work cheerfully and be thorough--Don't
be a dust chaser--Don't get the anti-sunshine habit--Air your rooms--The
ideal home--The medical essentials of a good meal--What makes the
home--Working for something--The average housewife's existence is
slavery--What shall we work for--Making ends meet--Rest and
recreation--Try a nap--Get enough sleep at night--Go out of doors--Take
a vacation now and then--Life insurance--Owning a home--The cheerful
wife and mother--The indifferent wife and mother--Husband and wife ...
PAGE 389
CHAPTER XXVIII
HOW WE CATCH DISEASE
How we catch disease--How germs enter the lungs--How germs work in the
body--The function of the white blood cell--How an abscess is
formed--The evil habit of spitting in public places--Sunlight and
germs--Why it is necessary to open windows--Facts about
tuberculosis--The tendency to disease--The best treatment for
tuberculosis--Consumption is a preventable and a curable disease--When
delay is dangerous--What to eat and wear in hot weather--Scientific
dressing--Drink plenty of water--What to drink when traveling ... PAGE
409
DISEASES OF WOMEN
CHAPTER XXIX
DISEASES OF WOMEN
Diseases of women--The beginning of female disease--Ailing women are
inefficient--as home-makers, as wife, as mother--_Few ailing women
become pregnant_--The chief cause of female disease--The existence of
the average mother--Female diseases are avoidable--The story of the
wife--Women who don't want children--Abuse of the procreative
function--What the woman with female disease should do--Cancer in
women--Cancer of the breast--Cancer of the womb--What every woman should
know about cancer--Change of life--The menopause--The climacteric--The
average age at which the change of life occurs--Symptoms of the change
of life--Importance of a correct diagnosis--Danger signals of the change
of life--Conduct during the change of life ... PAGE 433
THE PATENT MEDICINE EVIL
CHAPTER XXX
THE PATENT MEDICINE EVIL
What mothers should know about the patent medicine evil--Tonics--Used by
temperance people because it could "stimulate"--Stomach Bitters--Blood
Bitters--Sarsaparilla--Celery Compound--Malt Whisky--Headache
remedies--Pain Powders--Anti-headache--Headache Powders--Soothing
syrups--Baby Friend--Catarrh powders--Kidney Pills--Expectorant--Cough
syrup--Lithia Water--Health, wealth and happiness for a dollar a
bottle--New Discovery for Consumption--Consumption Cure--Cancer
cures--Pills for Pale People--Elixir of Life ... PAGE 451
CHAPTER XXXI
THE PATENT MEDICINE EVIL (_continued_)
The ---- Consumption Cure--Personals to Consumptives--Nature's
Creation--Female weakness cures--Various compounds and malt whiskies ...
PAGE 467
CHAPTER XXXII
THE PATENT MEDICINE EVIL (_continued_)
How patent medicine firms and quacks dispose of the confidential letters
sent to them. Patent medicine concerns and letter brokers--The patent
medicine conspiracy against the freedom of the press--How the patent
medicine trust crushes honest effort ... PAGE 481
CHAPTER XXXIII
THE PATENT MEDICINE EVIL (_continued_)
The patent medicine evil and the duty of the mothers of the race--"Blood
money"--The people must be the reformers--Mothers' resolutions ... PAGE
489
CHAPTER XXIV
"The achievement of an object is dependent upon our
determination. Effort is a matter of will. Failure is a product
of misdirected determination."
THE FORMATIVE PERIOD
The Best Age at Which to Marry--Incompatibility of
Temperament--A Happy Marriage Need Not Be a Successful One--The
Evils of Early Marriage--The Wedding Night, its Medical
Aspect--The Honeymoon--When Marital Relations are
Painful--Times when Marital Relations Should be Suspended--The
First Weeks and Months of Wifehood--The Formative Period--A
True Marriage--A Wife's True Position in the Household--Only
Five Per Cent. of Happy Marriages--Period of
Adaptation--Differences of Opinion--Differences of
Principle--The Attainment of Success--Arguing Trifles--You Must
Know What You Want--The Right Kind of Wife--Contributing to Her
Husband's Efficiency--What Are the Requisites of
Efficiency--Good Health--Thoroughly Cooked Meals--Rest at
Night--Having a System--Enough Exercise--Freedom from Worry--Do
Your Part--The First Quarrel--Fault Finding--The Husband's
Efficiency Depends Upon the Wife--Work Must be Interesting--The
Wife's Part.
THE BEST AGE AT WHICH TO MARRY
In order to determine the best age at which to marry, we must be guided
by certain fixed standards. We must find out from statistics the average
age of the parents of the best babies. We must determine and analyse the
qualifications of what constitutes the "best" babies, according to the
eugenic ideal. We should give heed to the fixity of temperamental
characteristics in order to determine their adaptability to conditions
that prevail at certain ages. We should select an age in advance of the
period at which science has determined individuals to have outlived any
hereditary tendencies.
We have abundant proof that the best babies are born of parents between
the twenty-third and the twenty-sixth years. We know also that the age
which responds, with the fullest degree of plasticity, to temperamental
characteristics, is in the early twenties. We know, likewise, that
inherited tendencies may be said to have been outlived at or about the
twenty-second year. The ideal marrying age, therefore, is, for both male
and female, approximately the twenty-third year.
The physical, mental and moral development of both men and women, at
this period, evidence a high degree of adaptability, and are responsive
to the institution of marriage. Their hereditary traits, if any
previously existed, assume a dormant form at this age. They have
cultivated the temperamental qualities which they will retain, with few
modifications, throughout life. On the other hand, their dispositions
are responsive to reason, and are capable of readjustment. Their
temperamental characteristics are plastic, and under favorable
conditions it is possible for both to evidence a degree of sympathy and
toleration that bespeaks future harmony and success. No marriage can
result in mutual happiness and success if one of the participants is
temperamentally incapable of changing his or her convictions. One of the
fundamental essentials to peace in the home is the quality of adaptation
to circumstances, and no other virtue will be called into existence
oftener than this quality. At this age, a man is eager to contribute to
the contentment and happiness of his partner, even if it is necessary to
sacrifice his own whims and opinions, and a woman, at this period, is
temperamentally so constituted that she will respond to the same
impulses.
Incompatibility of temperament simply implies that two individuals are
so constituted that they cannot, or will not, adapt themselves to the
temperamental characteristics of each other. This condition is one of
the most prolific causes of unfortunate marriages. Age has a great deal
to do with this situation. Men over thirty have unconsciously developed
habits of judgment and are too set in their opinions and ways to
accommodate themselves easily, or without friction, to the temperamental
differences that will undoubtedly exist in their wives. The spirit of
adaptation, which is a characteristic of younger years, is lacking, and
a mental readjustment is scarcely to be expected. We, therefore,
frequently observe in the marriage relations of certain individuals a
spirit of friendship existing rather than that of companionship which
should be the quality that binds them together. Statistics prove that
"affinities" creep into the lives of those who marry early, or in those
who marry after thirty. This form of domestic infelicity may be rightly
regarded as a product of "incompatibility of temperament."
A happy marriage need not be a successful one. Some couples attain
happiness through sorrow, grief, and failure. The so-called happy
marriage, like happiness itself, is only a myth, made up of anticipation
and memory. You have only to look into the calm and wrinkled faces of
old women, and talk to them to discover that the outcome of
unselfishness and abnegation forms the nearest approach to happiness in
married life or out of it. It is the bearing of the burdens of life that
constitutes its happiness.
THE EVILS OF EARLY MARRIAGE.--No woman has the vitality to stand the
strain of maternity before the twenty-third year. If a girl marries at
eighteen years of age she gives the world children totally unfit to
struggle with its problems. At about twenty-two years she may give one
child of value to the world, but all others following will be
increasingly unfit. In early marriages children are apt to come too
frequently, and this is one cause of infant mortality. Statistics show
that children born with an interval between them of only one year have a
mortality of one hundred per cent, higher rating than those born with an
interval of two years. And if these children are the progeny of very
young mothers the percentage is even greater. The percentage of children
who are malformed and idiotic is greater among those born of too young
parents. It has been shown that the child can only inherit what the
parents possess. If the parents are not of an age when all the powers
are at their highest, the child is robbed of just this amount of growth
and force lacking; no amount of education or training can supply this
loss.
There is another feature of early marriages that should receive serious
consideration. A girl of eighteen or twenty has not reached that period
of growth where certain inherited tendencies will show. If she has
inherited a predisposition to consumption she may outgrow this period
provided she is permitted to reach her full growth without subjecting
her constitution to any strenuous physical or mental strain. If,
however, this girl marries and becomes a mother, the incident effect
upon her health will most likely weaken her to the extent of bringing to
the surface the inherited tendency. Many mothers succumb to just such
conditions, where had they remained single until a later period they
could have assumed the responsibility of maternity without any evil
consequences.
The idea that by an early marriage a woman can train and change the
inborn characteristics of her husband is a mistake. Few women can reform
a husband after marriage. If she cannot reform him before marriage she
will never do it afterward. These inborn traits will have their way
despite anything she may be able to do to change them--only the man
himself can control and govern them. During the period of this
temperamental transformation the function of parenthood should not be
exercised. Only when a man's character is fully matured should he be
permitted to transfer it to another generation.
The idea has been advanced that early marriages will tend to preserve
youth from sowing wild oats. The woman who is the victim of this
delusion will reap a harvest of discontent and misery. Any man who needs
the sacrifice of a woman to cultivate the art of self-control is not a
fit citizen, far less a fit husband or father. A man who is willing to
bring children into the world before he is a self-governed animal does
not understand the first principles of race-regeneration, and it is the
duty of parents to educate their sons and daughters in this fundamental
idea. To be an efficient parent one must be mentally, morally, and
physically developed.
THE WEDDING NIGHT;--ITS MEDICAL ASPECT.--The fundamental object of true
marriage is the propagation of the species. Woman plays the more
important part in the consummation of this duty inasmuch as she is the
origin and depository of the future being. It is, therefore, most
important that she should not be wholly ignorant of the nature and
responsibilities of her position. Suffering, disease and death may
result as a consequence of ignorance of these matters. It is the duty
and the privilege of medical science to state, in language which all may
understand, the facts regarding this interesting human event.
It would seem as though suffering to some degree, characterized each
epoch in a woman's life; menstruation, marriage and maternity. Much may
be done, however, to lessen the pain necessary to the consummation of
marriage. Not infrequently difficulty is experienced in this respect and
great care, forbearance and gentleness must be exercised or unnecessary
pain and injury may result. It is quite possible to cause serious injury
by unrestrained impetuosity and this must be guarded against. It is
sometimes absolutely necessary to consult a physician, especially in
cases where greater resistance is experienced than is to be expected.
These are rare cases.
The first conjugal approaches are usually accompanied by a slight
bleeding. They may not be so, however, and the absence of blood has no
significance or meaning. The most suitable time to select for marriage
is midway between the monthly periods. This is a season of sterility,
and as the first nuptial relations may be followed by indisposition,
pain and nervous irritability, it would be well to select a time when
these ailments shall have an opportunity to subside before the
appearance of the disturbances incident to pregnancy.
THE HONEYMOON.--From a medical standpoint there is great need of a
radical change in the way in which this nuptial period is spent. For
many weeks previous to marriage the bride's existence is a long
drawn-out period of nervous tension. Instead of enjoying mental and
physical rest and repose, every moment of the time is crowded with
exacting incidents, which, ordinarily, would wreck the nervous system of
a robust individual. If this exciting preparatory experience ended in a
period of rest and recuperation, it might not prove physically
disastrous, instead of which, however, we know that the bride is
subjected to a series of physiological tragedies which few weather with
impunity. At no time of her life is she more in need of being surrounded
with all the comforts of home and the intelligent direction of
sympathizing friends who understand and appreciate the crisis through
which she is passing. Custom, however, dictates that she shall be
hurried from place to place at a time when the bodily quiet and the
mental calmness and serenity so desirable to her should be the only
object in view.
Marital relations still continue painful and will be so for a few weeks.
Too frequent indulgence at this period is a fruitful source of various
inflammatory diseases, and often occasions temporary sterility and ill
health. In many cases constitutional disturbances and nervous disorders
have their beginning at this time and these unfortunate conditions are
directly caused by the discomforts incident to the silliness of the
social custom which deprives the woman of the rest and quiet necessary.
The awakening of the sexual function is a tremendously important medical
incident in the life of any woman. The simplest mind may adequately
understand why such an experience should be consummated in a cheerful
environment of domestic comfort and peace. To drag a girl around
sight-seeing, when her nerves are on edge and supersensitive; when she
is physically unfit, weary and not at all interested; when her brain is
apprehensively busy with secret conjectures in which her husband even
may not participate, is a species of torture which the average bride
submits to with the best grace possible because social custom dictates
the stupid programme.
Mothers should approach this subject with tact and diplomacy, but they
should, nevertheless, approach it with firm intentions to persuade their
daughters to consider the situation from a common sense standpoint. The
custom of the honeymoon survives because young brides do not appreciate
the facts involved. It is the mother's duty to acquaint them with the
truth, and no sensible mother will plan, or agree to a honeymoon that
involves continuous discomfort and possible serious consequences to the
health of her daughter at the beginning of what should be the happiest
period of her life.
WHEN MARITAL RELATIONS ARE PAINFUL.--Nature did not intend that the act
by which the earth is to be replenished should be painful. If therefore,
pain is a constant characteristic of this function, it is an evidence
that disease exists and it should be given attention at the earliest
possible moment. A displaced, congested womb is most frequently the
cause. Such displacements most likely are a result of imprudence in
dress, constipation and general negligence on the part of the victim. To
delay or postpone assistance in such cases is dangerous, while on the
other hand, relief is prompt and as a rule satisfactory if taken in
time.
TIMES WHEN MARITAL RELATIONS SHOULD BE SUSPENDED.--There are times when
such relations are eminently improper. There are certain legitimate
causes for denial by the wife.
Intoxication in the husband is a good reason for refusal. Idiots and
epileptics have been produced as a result of one parent being
intoxicated when fecundation took place. Many cases are on record whose
history is well authenticated where the mental faculties of the
offspring have been totally destroyed.
Convalescence from a severe sickness is a just cause for sexual
abstinence. The existence of any local or constitutional disease which
would be aggravated by marital relationship is also a just cause of
refusal. The existence of a contagious disease renders a refusal valid.
Sexual intercourse should never be permitted during the menses.
Pregnancy is unquestionably a just cause for refraining from all
marriage duties.
THE FIRST WEEKS AND MONTHS OF WIFEHOOD.--The daughter is established in
her own home: she is now the young wife, the prospective mother. What
can we say that will be helpful at this period--those wonderful first
weeks and months of wifehood? Her guiding star will unquestionably be
the unconscious lessons she has absorbed from the tactful talks with
mother. She will unwittingly pattern her conduct, to a large extent,
after her, and follow the routine mother adopted in the old home. But
there is a new factor to be considered. Her life, present and future,
her possibilities, her very happiness, is dependent upon the husband.
The old saying, that, "you must live with a man to really know him," she
will find to be all too true. The story of her future life might be
safely told if we could know how she will meet the new vicissitudes. She
has known her husband only as a sweetheart, she has clothed him with
virtues that exist only in her imagination, will he measure up to her
expectations? She is watchful and tactful,--the little mother-talks she
remembers. She did not believe when mother told her, that he had
qualities which she would only find out after marriage, but she knows
now. She is learning that household duties are exacting and fretful;
that, though married, life still has a few thorns. She finds out also
that the long day, when husband is at business, affords many
opportunities for reflection and serious thought. These moments of
seeming leisure are the moments of destiny. They are the introspective
moments, when she weighs and measures out for herself sympathy, if she
is not made of the right stuff, or she makes strong resolutions, and
prepares herself mentally to win out in the new life. They are the
moments when her subconscious intelligence is trying to express itself
in the spirit of truth and honesty, when she weighs and measures and
analyses the exigencies of the new environment. Her destiny depends upon
the inspiration that is impressed upon her brain as a result of these
self-communings.
Most of us would not follow exactly the path we trod had we the
opportunity to live our lives over again. The young wife has the chance
to "do it over again." She has the opportunity of a new beginning. She
should regard this opportunity as the most precious gift she will ever
obtain. Many would give untold wealth for her chance. Happiness and
riches lie at her feet. All the experiences that make life worth living
are within her grasp. It all depends upon herself. An enthusiast is apt
to be insistent. If his cause is just we gain by his insistency and
determination. We are enthusiasts on this subject, we want you to
believe in our disinterested sincerity. We believe,--in fact we know,
that the first few months after marriage is the critical period in every
woman's life so far as the attainment of happiness and success is
concerned. No physician can practice medicine for years and fail to have
this truth impressed upon him again and again.
Every intelligent person knows that most young girls enter into the
marriage relationship without a real understanding of its true meaning,
or even a serious thought regarding its duties or its responsibilities.
Maternity is thrust upon these physically and mentally immature young
wives, and they assume the principal role in a relationship that is
onerous and exacting. We know that the duties of wife and mother require
an intelligence which is rendered efficient only by experience. We know
that young wives acquire habits which undermine their health and their
morals unwittingly. And we also know that the product of this
diversified inefficiency is what constitutes the decadence and the
degeneracy of the human race. Is it any wonder that mistakes occur, that
heartaches abound, and that homes are degraded?
What is the remedy? Education! Systematized instruction; an efficient
and everlasting propaganda of education carried into the homes of the
thousands of young wives and mothers who are willing, but who do not
know how to play their part creditably and efficiently.
THE FORMATIVE PERIOD.--The period prior to marriage is the formative
period, the character building years. Matrimony is to be the test of how
we have built our castle. The success of the matrimonial venture--for
every marriage is an experiment--depends absolutely upon the result of
the first year. We would, therefore, seriously, and earnestly, request
the young wife to think deeply upon this problem and not to ignore the
fact that the success of the venture is absolutely dependent upon her
efforts to a very large degree. Some may assert that the husband is the
essential equation, so far as happiness and success is concerned in the
matrimonial venture. We do not think so. A home is what the woman makes
it. A man may not be an ideal husband, or even a good father, though his
home, to his children, may be heaven itself if the wife is a born
mother and a good woman. On the other hand a man may be patient, hard
working, self-sacrificing, good father, but he cannot make a happy home,
for his children, if his wife is not the right kind of a woman.
A true marriage implies love and confidence, and in the vast majority of
marriages these qualities can be regarded as tangible, and may be used
as any other business equity is used, for a certain time. The length of
time depends upon the use to which this asset is put during the early
months of marriage. It is the utilization of this time, how best to
employ it, that concerns us here.
A word as to a wife's true position in the household may be opportune.
There is no question but that her status has changed in the last
generation. Whether this change is for the better is a matter of
opinion. It is too large and too intricate a problem to be fully
discussed in a book of this character. Any opinion on such a subject
must of necessity, in our judgment, be a warped one. There are few, very
few, absolutely happy and congenial homes. It has been estimated that
only five per cent. of all marriages are successful. If five per cent.
make a success of marriage why could not the other ninety-five? The
reasons are not fundamental or serious--they are trivial as a rule. It
is making the right beginning that counts. If this is the secret, and
every married person of experience will testify to this truth, the young
wife should give the matter her serious consideration. In the life
history of every couple there is a period of adaptation, which is sooner
or later passed through at the expense of one or the other, or both,
resigning themselves to an acceptance of the stronger, or positive,
elements in the other's disposition.
DIFFERENCES OF OPINION.--If a woman discovers, for example, that her
husband has very decided views upon certain matters, and these views do
not in any way conflict with the law, moral or otherwise, and the
adoption of them does not necessitate the denial of a principle, it
would be far better for her to acquiesce in these views, rather than to
obstinately adhere to her opinions,--especially if she cannot, in a
friendly way, offer an argument strong enough to convince him he is
wrong. One or the other of every married pair will have to be willing to
give in, in all trivial matters that come up from day to day, if a
harmonious degree of existence is to be reached.
It is certainly natural to assume that ordinarily the wife will be the
one to concede most. She is supposed to be endowed with all the gentler
attributes. Therefore our advice,--irrespective of all the arguments
which may be made, and which we need not even hint at, here, but which
are at the tongue's end of every so-called advanced woman,--is for the
young wife to gratefully concede a great deal to her husband.
If a man's daily life is clean, and if his ambition is to work in order
to provide a comfortable home for his wife and children, he is deserving
of the love and confidence of any true woman. And inasmuch as you have
chosen this man for your husband, for your guide and for the father of
your unborn children, it behooves you to find out how you may quickly
accommodate yourself to be his helpmate, his friend, his confidant and
companion, throughout all the years of your life. Let us assure you
without fear of contradiction, that you will endear yourself to him by
your willingness to be advised and guided by him. Such an attitude will
engender a tangible confidence that may be drawn upon to weather
temperamental contests that might otherwise prove to be serious
obstacles in building up a mutual respect and trust and which is
essential to peace and happiness. He will look for your word of cheer,
and he will willingly tell you more and more of his inmost thoughts and
ambitions, and unconsciously he will rely upon your judgment, your
womanly intuition, your help, in every move he makes. The time when you
will have to "give in" will have passed away. You will have made
yourself part of his life, his mentality, you will have reached the goal
of domestic happiness, and that is as near paradise as most of us reach
in this world. It all depends upon "how you go about it" in the first
few months of married life.
Consider the other picture. If a wife cultivates, or has the inherited
inclination to argue trifles, to bicker over mere matters of opinion,
even if she wins occasionally, what does she gain? Nothing! The husband
resents the tendency to argument. His pride is wounded at the thought
that his wife needs to be convinced of every opinion he advances. Such
an attitude completely breaks down the tangible confidence that is
essential to peace and happiness. Soon he begins to keep his opinion to
himself; the serpent enters the home; the wife finds he is interested in
things of which he does not inform her. Jealousy, lack of confidence,
doubt,--the skeletons of all domestic peace and happiness soon
accomplish their terrible and tragic work, and the end is not difficult
to imagine.
Most of the things regarding which husbands and wives quarrel are of no
special moment. They are not momentous subjects,--it is usually a trifle
that mars the domestic peace. It takes but a few years for most women to
appreciate that many of the things that cause heartaches are not of any
consequence at all. They originate, as a rule, in one or the other
failing to appreciate that the other has certain individual rights which
demand some degree of respectful consideration. The ego element in human
nature is responsible for a very considerable portion of the domestic
infelicity that mars the home life of a large proportion of the people.
TRIVIAL DIFFERENCES.--Many homes have been broken or rendered
permanently wretched by trivial differences. The husband may like to
play games, the wife may want to read. One may like to go out to parties
and theaters, the other may want to stay at home. Before marriage these
differences appear to merest trifles and are the subjects of
good-humored bantering; after marriage they cause constant dissension,
constant friction. A trifle is the usual beginning, a divorce may be the
end. A little lack of tact, an unwillingness to sacrifice self in a
small measure "at the right moment" and friction would have ended.
It is a reflection upon our intelligence, and it is rather significant
that it should be the little, trifling things that cause most of the
troubles and heartaches in the world. We rarely quarrel over the
important episodes Of life; the real things, the things that constitute
the measure of our manhood and womanhood. Ask any of your friends, be
they Jew or Gentile, Catholic or Protestant, Baptist or Episcopalian,
Democrat or Republican, whether, in their best judgment, it is better to
be honest or dishonest, clean or dirty, false or true, intelligent or
ignorant, an idler or a worker; whether it is better to be gentle and
kind or brutal and cruel, a gossip and scandal monger or to mind our own
business and to speak kindly of our fellow-man, whether, in short, it is
better to be good or bad? And yet these are the real, the fundamental
qualities that brand a man, or a woman, or a race of people, as worthy
and true and Christ-like.
To the eugenist, a thought obtrudes itself at this point. It is the
logical, the link between the cause and the effect. Why do we waste so
much time arguing and fighting over non-essentials? Why is the world
such a big quarreling-pot over nothing? And the eugenist suggests, if it
is not possible, that the explanation may be found, in the fact, that
the human family, as a race, is below par; that so many of us are
incomplete; that it is the product of the combined mental effort of the
unworthy element that makes all the trouble? It is scarcely logical to
assume, that an individual who has been brought into the world by
healthy, worthy parents, and whose ancestry for generations have been
clean, honest people; and whose upbringing and education has been
adequate to fit him to become a respectable, decent citizen, could, or
would be a trouble maker. On the other hand, can we expect, or are we
justified in hoping that an individual whose ancestral record is bad,
whose environmental conditions are faulty, whose education has been
neglected, who is in all probability physically and mentally deficient,
will be capable of conforming to the standards of the other individual?
From an imperfect whole, may we not naturally expect bad parts? From a
diseased body and mind, may we not look for a low standard of thought
and action? And may not these conditions account for the greater part of
the little, as as the big, troubles that mar the peace and progress of
the race? Will not the elimination of the eugenically unworthy rid the
world of its heartaches and sorrows? It is not only a suggestive
thought, it is an inspiration for the exercise of the supreme
intelligence of the statesman, the sociologist, the teacher and the
preacher alike.
DIFFERENCES OF PRINCIPLE.--There are more serious differences than those
of taste, however. There are differences of principle.
They do not reveal themselves before the promise "for better or for
worse." The sentimental days of courtship did not bring them out. But
now that they have settled down to the routine of ordinary living,
nature brings them to the surface and the issue must be met. It is
discovered that the wife is a devout Christian and a faithful church
attendant while the husband insists on his wife spending Sunday in the
country, or at the seashore. The woman tries to get her husband to go to
church but she fails. He tried to get her to accompany him but he does
not succeed. There is a rift in the lute, little sorrowful heart pangs
on the part of the woman, and the man feels sore and grouchy and wanders
away alone, then finally open quarrels and indifference. Two lives are
pulling apart. Someone must give in; but which one? The observance of
her religious duties to the wife is a matter of principle. The husband's
method of spending Sunday is simply habit. He has no right to interfere
with her liberty in this respect. The one to give in is the one whose
conscience is not trampled upon. If the husband refuses to go to church
with his wife, he can do so amicably, and in such a tactful way that his
wife cannot reasonably feel permanently offended, but he must not object
to his wife going to church, nor has he the right to insist on being
accompanied in his outing by his wife. On the other hand, the wife must
not nag or quarrel with him continuously on the subject of religion.
Those little incidents will come up in the experience of every married
couple. They are not serious or insurmountable in themselves, but they
can be made serious by mismanagement.
The true wife is the home-maker, not simply the housekeeper. She is
responsible for its attractiveness and its comfort, its morals and its
existence. The marriage vow "does not make a wife, but comradeship in
the bearing of the burdens of life, does." She must be Love and Justice
and Truth to her children, and companion and friend and helpmeet to her
husband.
We, therefore, advise the young wife to begin wedded life with definite
plans and ideals.
THE ATTAINMENT OF SUCCESS.--In the first place, you do want your
particular matrimonial venture to be a success. Success in one sense is
getting what you want. You must, however, know exactly what you want.
Very few people know what they want, but those few are the ones who
manage to "get there." If you ask a dozen of your friends what their
plan of life is, what they are working for, what they really want, not
one of them probably could tell you with any degree of exactness. Most
people go along in an indefinite way, working from day to day, more or
less dissatisfied, and with absolutely no feeling of certainty as to
what the future holds in store for them.
Human effort is an example of energy misdirected and it is the greatest
potential energy in the universe. Really to want something means that we
must be willing to sacrifice everything necessary to attain our wish,
and to concentrate and direct all our efforts in its attainment. To do
this, we must be efficient, we must be healthy, we must strive day and
night, and we must want intensely to achieve success.
During the first few weeks of married life the young wife, if she is a
wise little lady, will take stock. She will begin to think, and she will
naturally speculate about the future. She will try to determine the
facts in her particular life that are the important ones so far as the
attainment of success is concerned. Her material success of course is
dependent upon the efficiency of her husband. Now, a married man's
efficiency depends almost entirely on his wife. If a man attains great
material success, he will acknowledge, if he acknowledges the truth,
that his wife is deserving of most of the credit. The husbands of most
good, sensible wives are successful. If a man is, unfortunately, married
to a woman who is not a helpmeet, who is not a well-balanced wife and
mother, and achieves success, he does so by reason of his innate
strength of character and in spite of the unjust drain on his
efficiency. Most men under these circumstances however lose heart and
interest and become failures.
The young wife, therefore, will definitely plan in just what way she can
contribute to her husband's efficiency.
WHAT ARE THE REQUISITES OF EFFICIENCY? GOOD HEALTH.--He must have
regular meals. The food must be carefully selected and suitable to his
personal needs according to the character of the work in which he is
engaged. The food must be properly and thoroughly cooked. If he does not
understand the science of eating, the wife must educate him. Remember
his success means your success, his failure, your failure. If you were
in charge of a highly complicated machine, you would not allow it to be
ruined by careless misuse. You may have married a healthy animal, but
animals are tricky and uncertain. He is still your lover and he will do
anything reasonable for you, if you "go about it in the right spirit and
in the right way." Be sure you "go about it in the right way." Be
tactful, be patient, don't nag. Don't tell him of his faults, simply
note them then determine what you want to accomplish. In a little while,
he will become enthusiastic and will be telling his friends how to eat,
and what to eat, and, later, he may try to convince you that he thought
of the idea first. This is the typical man. You will learn how to manage
him, and your first success will encourage you--he will be a child in
your hands--if you only "go about it right." And this applies to
everything you do that has any relation to domestic peace and happiness
and final success.
The woman who grasps the meaning of the following truism and determines
to practice it, is well on her way to happiness and success. "It is the
man that has a system in both life and business that wins the battles."
The struggle of life has become so strenuous that most everyone's nerves
are always near the explosive point,--the man who has a system in life
has discovered that there is nothing to be gained by being
disrespectful or discourteous, or by butting rough-shod into the affairs
or interests of other people; tact, diplomacy, flattery, the
temperamental capacity to wiggle around the explosive corners of other
peoples' irascible nerves to gain your point, is "having a system," and
it wins battles. The young wife who knows how to do this, is so far
ahead of the army of ordinary young wives, that she need not take time
to look around to see if the others are gaining ground. They will never
overtake her.
REST AND SLEEP.--The husband must get enough rest each night, so don't
drag him away to parties and balls and late suppers. Be a
philanthropist--give him the care you would give a thoroughbred horse
with which you hoped to win a big stake. Let him think, however, that
you are doing it for his sake. To you the prize is a greater stake--it
means life's failure or success. Remember you are in this fight to win.
The gratification of whims and fancies during the first year of married
life leads to the establishment of expensive habits, and may be the one
factor that will mean failure in the future, when you will wish, with
all your heart that you had begun differently. The time to sacrifice, to
work hard, to plan ahead, is when one is young; when hope is strong and
health is good--not when ambition falters, when age grows weary, when
efficiency is impossible, and when regrets crowd in on us and failure
crushes energy and hope and happiness. The struggle of life is a real
one to every soul born, but it is worth the fight, and the glory of a
fight won is the greatest human satisfaction this side of the grave. Try
it, try to win.
ENOUGH EXERCISE.--Be sure your husband is getting enough exercise. If
his work is desk work, think out some plan to compel him to take the
exercise every healthy animal requires. Make up your mind definitely
what is necessary and exactly what it is you want him to do, and then
begin to work in your own successful way with that object in view. It
may be systematized gymnastic work he needs. If so, suggest to him the
advisability of becoming a member of a club or gymnasium, or get two
sets of exercisers and begin work on them yourself if necessary. Devote
ten minutes every morning and night to exercise. He will soon follow
you, and many happy contests you will have and profitable ones too.
Working together is the secret of domestic peace. Even if this reads
like slavery or self-immolation, what do you care? You are happy, you
are working for something, the time will come when you will have
realized your ambition. Domestic happiness and material success are
worth all we are asked to pay for them and they are never obtainable on
the bargain counter.
It may be outdoor exercise he needs, try golf, swimming, baseball,
tennis, anything to gain your point; and, all the time, remember you are
leading him by your apron-string because you have discovered the secret
of "how to go about it."
FREEDOM FROM WORRY.--A man cannot work efficiently and worry at the same
time. Modern business methods are conducted on such a strenuous basis
that, to keep "in the ring," a man needs every ounce of reserve he can
command. Don't imagine your husband is totally free from cares and
responsibilities just because he is not at business. He may have left
his office a few minutes earlier than usual to get away from trouble.
Encourage the system. When a man feels in his heart that there is one
person in the world to whom he can always turn, and be sure of a loving,
sympathetic greeting, one who understands and believes in him, one place
he can always go and feel certain of enjoying peace, and comfort and
contentment, there is little danger of any friend supplanting the wife,
or any club or saloon taking the place of home.
DO YOUR PART.--The moment you know your husband is in the house, change
the expression on your face, smile, even if it pains you, and go to him
with a familiar word of greeting and give him a kiss. Do this every day
of your life, unless when you are sick in bed, when he will go to you.
Establish this habit, and if ever the day comes when he returns from
work and there is no greeting, no kiss, stop the whole domestic ship,
regard it as a tragedy. Don't let the first entering wedge of discord
come into your life. If there is no first quarrel, there will never be a
second. If you are at fault you had better right matters at once or
take the consequences. Take our advice. Don't experiment with a man.
Deep down, every man is a brute. There is a certain elemental devil in
every male animal. Don't rouse it. You are only a woman. Don't invite a
quarrel. You will get the worst of it. Keep on the peaceful side of the
street. It is always a mistake to talk too much. Words are poison when
silence is golden. You cannot make a mistake by leaving the husband
alone if he is at fault. Time is a wonderful physician; she will heal
almost any wound. Your tact, your silence, your seeming fear (in other
words, your method "of going about it in the right spirit and in the
right way"), and an opportunity to think it over, will make him ashamed
of himself. He will want to crawl back into your good graces and the
lesson will be a long remembered one to him,--if, and this is
tremendously important--the wife does not glory in her triumph and nag
him about it. The temptation to err is great and there are few young
wives who can resist it. Keep silent, however. Don't refer to it and you
will win more than you know. Blessed is she who can forget what is not
worth remembering.
You will have averted the first quarrel and, inasmuch as the "first
quarrel" is an historic event in every married woman's experience, it
may be worthy of a little further consideration.
THE FIRST QUARREL.--Some women become weak in a crisis and spoil their
own chances of success, despite the fact that circumstances may have
been working in their favor. Some women meet a crisis bravely and do
exactly the right thing at the right time but falter and fail after the
crisis has passed. Take, for example, the incident we have just
narrated. When a husband brings into the home a sample of his real self,
for the first time, it is not really an unexpected event, though it may
be an unpleasant shock to the young wife; and she must not render it an
important incident by mismanagement. Nevertheless, it is in itself a
momentous occasion, and it may prove to be the moment of destiny. The
spirit of the lover has been the dominant spirit so far, the atmosphere
of the honeymoon has continued, there has been no friction, no quarrel.
To-night the husband has carried a business _grouch_ into the home, his
militant impulses are just below the surface, the slightest unfortunate
word, the least lack of tact, a failure to "sense" the situation
correctly, will explode the mine and wreck a dream. Deep down in the
man's heart he does not want a quarrel but the brute in him will fight
if the environment invites it. It takes two to quarrel. Silence on the
part of the wife, therefore, is the only solution of the problem. If the
first quarrel never takes place the second will never have to be
dreaded. Silence, no matter what the provocation may be; no matter how
acute the sense of injustice may be, silence is the only safe way out.
The husband if left alone, will be ashamed of the situation his lack of
self-control has created, the lover spirit will conquer the brute. He
will regret the pain he has caused; he will want to forget and be
forgiven quickly though he may not go through the formality of an
apology. A formal apology and reconciliation will, in his judgment,
dignify the episode and make a mountain out of a molehill. The wife will
be wise to so regard it though it is an injustice to her. The husband
will not underestimate the importance of the event, however, and in many
ways will be a better husband in future, but he does not want to talk
about it or be talked to regarding it. This is part of the psychology of
the male, and the successful wife discovers it early and acts
accordingly.
Having safely piloted your craft through the troubled waters, don't
prove weak and silly when you reach a safe harbor. When the moment of
passive reconciliation arrives, when it is necessary to resume the
domestic routine, don't show the spirit of resentment. Be pleasant,
don't cry, don't become hysterical. Be strong, ignore the whole affair,
leave it in the hands of time and forget it. The victory is yours, don't
lose it.
FAULT FINDING.--At a later date, when, in all probability, the wife will
be the one whose conduct will incite trouble because of the worries
incident to her more or less monotonous, domestic existence, much care
will have to be exercised so that an unwitting fretfulness may not cause
quarrels. When a man comes home at night tired and hungry, longing for
peace, and comfort, and pleasant conversation, it is worse than anarchy
to not only get no greeting, but to note the discontent on his wife's
face, and to listen to a tirade of fault finding. Your husband has
troubles of his own. The maid's impudence, the crossness of the baby,
the noise of the neighbor's children, the toughness of the meat from the
butcher, do not interest him. He is hungry, he wants to eat, and above
all, he wants rest and peace. We are considering this subject from the
economic standpoint. The young wife must recognize that if she is a
fault finder, if she worries her husband, she interferes with his
efficiency and jeopardizes the attainment of success,--her own success.
From a purely selfish standpoint, it is a bad investment.
It may interest many young wives to know, that a number of large
corporations have recently begun to systematically investigate the
domestic environment of their employees. If it is found that they are
not happy, or that they do not enjoy a restful and congenial home life,
they discharge them. They claim that a man who is worried cannot be
efficient, and if he is not efficient he is not a dependable individual
to have in their employ. Some railroads will not allow an engineer to
drive a passenger train after it is discovered that he is unhappily
married. The young wife should, therefore, appreciate that she may be
directly responsible for her husband's efficiency and success. If a
woman is guilty of conduct that interferes with the earning capacity of
her husband she is erecting an obstacle to happiness and success that is
fundamental, permanent and insurmountable. In justice to herself and to
her husband and to the future she should promptly decide if the
conditions are such that a change is impossible, and if so she should,
in order to avert a tragedy, seek a separation.
WORK MUST BE INTERESTING.--No man can exert the highest degree of
efficiency if he is not interested in his work. This has become a
business truism. How can the wife aid in this matter? By cooeperation, by
tactful advice, by suggesting new methods, by originating new ideas that
may open the way to new possibilities.
Even menial work is interesting if we regard it as a stepping-stone to
something better. It must be done thoroughly, however, to justify this
hope. Life is a struggle, a struggle in which many are vanquished and
few survive. Only those few survive who fit most perfectly to their
environment. If a man is getting proper nourishment and sufficient
exercise, and is free from worry, if in other words he has vitality, he
cannot possibly fail to give full value for what he receives. His work
will at least be satisfactory. If his lack of interest in his work is
because it does not fully satisfy his ambition, this is a splendid
opportunity for the tactful and resourceful wife.
It was suggested to an enterprising little wife, whose husband was
earning a small salary as a bookkeeper, to advise him to study
stenography and correspondence at the Y. M. C. A. He did so, and is now
the private secretary of the president of a large corporation, at a
salary of six thousand dollars per year. His wife encouraged and cajoled
him during the long winter nights when he studied late. She sacrificed
herself by giving up all social entertainments and other pleasures. She
catered to his tastes and comfort, and she talked so entertainingly
during spare moments of what the future would be when he was a great
success, that he was simply compelled to make good. She got her reward,
and the very struggle and effort strengthened their characters,
broadened their sympathies, and taught them the true meaning of love and
affection.
Other young wives may achieve similar success if they "go about it
right." That is the secret. That was the secret of this young wife's
success. She first knew what she wanted, she then prepared the way by
tactfully showing her husband how he could increase his efficiency. She
kept the subject diplomatically before him by directly praising him,
assuring him that he had the ability, that he would find it easy, that
he was meant for "higher things." Then she drew word pictures of where
they would live, the kind of house she would like and the new furniture
she would buy, and where they would spend their vacations when he was
earning the salary which she knew he was worth. They began to live in
this future, it became part of their life, his pride was awakened, he
would be ashamed to fail, he was whipped to the post and spurred to the
finish and he won the race, because he had married the right kind of a
woman. "The right kind of a woman,"--the woman who knows that "the
marriage vow" does not make a wife, but that comradeship in the bearing
of the burdens of life does.
THE WIFE'S PART.--Having read the preceding pages some young wives may
ask if that is really what being married means? If it is all work and
sacrifice and no pleasure? That is exactly what it means and if there is
no pleasure in work and sacrifice, then there is no pleasure in married
life. The young wife who fails to see the significance of this
interpretation of what has been written has a fundamentally wrong idea
of what married life means.
A woman who begins her wedded life with less loyal ideals than are
depicted in the performance of the duties we have enumerated is imposing
on her husband and is false to herself. She will not attain happiness
and success. To marry in order to have a good time should be a state's
prison offence.
Happiness and contentment and success are products of duty well done.
They are the logical recompense for effort and sacrifice. Individual
happiness is not the chief object of existence in this life. To work
efficiently is the supreme obligation. It is naturally to desire
happiness and to labor for it; but it is absurd to be annoyed and angry
because we do not find it. Happiness through marriage is never attained
except by never-ending self-abnegation and effort.
We must struggle or we will degenerate. A correct interpretation of
racial progress proves this truth. Effort is the supreme law. All good
things have been given to man at the price of labor.
ADVICE TO YOUNG WIVES