"Peter," said my father, with a stern look, though the tone of his voice
had more of sorrow in it than anger, "this conduct, if you persist in
it, will bring ruin on you, and grief and shame on my head and to your
mother's heart. Look there, boy, and answer me: Are not those
presumptive evidences of your guilt? Where did they come from?" He
pointed, as he spoke, to several head of game, pheasants, partridges,
and hares, which lay on the ground, while I stood before him leaning on
my gun, my eyes not daring to meet his, which I knew were fixed on me.
My two dogs crouched at my feet, looking as if they also were culprits
and fully comprehended the tenor of his words.
My father was a clergyman, the vicar of a large parish in the south of
Ireland, where the events I am now narrating took place. He was a tall
man, with silvery locks and well-formed features. I think his hair was
prematurely grey. The expression of his countenance was grave, and
betokened firmness and decision, though his general character was mild
in the extreme. He was a kind parent, in some respects too kind; and he
was very indulgent towards the faults and errors of those not
immediately connected with him. He was on good terms with the Roman
Catholics of the neighbourhood, of which faith were the large majority
of the population, and even with the priests; so that our family had few
enemies, and were never in any way molested by the peasantry.
That, however, we had some foes, I shall have occasion presently to
show. But I must return to the scene I was describing. I may be
pardoned for first giving a slight sketch of myself. I hope that I may
escape being accused of vanity, as I shall not dwell on my personal
appearance. I believe that I inherited some of my parents' good looks;
but the hardships I have endured have eradicated all traces of them. I
was well grown for my age (I was barely fifteen), but, dressed in my
loose shooting-costume, my countenance ruddy with fresh air and
exercise, I looked much older.
"What do you suppose would be the lot of a poor man's son, if he were to
be discovered acting as you are constantly doing in spite of my warnings
and commands?" continued my father, his voice growing more serious and
his look more grave. "I tell you, boy, that the consequences may and
will be lamentable; and do not believe, that because you are the son of
a gentleman, you can escape the punishment due to the guilty.
"You are a poacher. You deserve the name; and on some occasion, when
engaged in that lawless occupation, you will probably encounter the
gamekeepers of the persons on whose estates you are trespassing, and
whose property you are robbing. Now hear me out. They, as in duty
bound, will attempt to capture you. You and your companions may resist;
your weapons may be discharged, and life may be sacrificed. If you
escape the fate of a murderer, you may be transported to distant lands,
away from friends, home, and country, to work for long years; perhaps in
chains among the outcasts of our race, fed on the coarsest food, subject
to the tyranny of brutalised overseers, often themselves convicts; your
ears forced to listen to the foulest language, your eyes to witness the
grossest debauchery, till you yourself become as bad as those with whom
you are compelled to herd; so that, when the time of your punishment is
expired, you will be unfit for freedom; and if you venture to return
home, you will find yourself, wherever you appear, branded with
dishonour, and pointed at as the convict.
"Think, Peter, of the grief and anguish it would cause your poor mother
and me, to see you suffer so dreadful a disgrace--to feel that you
merited it. Think of the shame it would bring on the name of our
family. People would point at your sisters, and say, `Their brother is
a convict!' they would shake their heads as I appeared in the pulpit,
and whisper, `The vicar whose son was transported!' But more than all
(for men's censure matters not if we are guiltless), think how God will
judge you, who have had opportunities of knowing better, who have been
repeatedly warned that you are doing wrong, who are well aware that you
are doing wrong: think how He will judge and condemn you.
"Human laws, of necessity, are framed only to punish all alike, the rich
and educated man as well as the poor and ignorant; but God, who sees
what is in the heart of man, and his means of knowing right from wrong,
will more severely punish those who sin, as you do, with their eyes
open. I am unwilling to employ threats; I would rather appeal to your
better feelings, my boy; but I must, in the first place, take away your
means of following your favourite pursuit; and should you persist in
leading your present wild and idle life, I must adopt such measures as
will effectually prevent you. Give me your gun."
I listened to all that was said in dogged silence. I could not refuse
to give up my dearly-beloved weapon; but I did so with a very bad grace;
and I am sorry to say that my father's words had at that time little or
no effect on my heart. I say at the time, for afterwards, when it was
too late, I thought of them over and over again, and deeply repented of
my wilful obstinacy and folly.
Alas! from how much suffering and grief I should have been saved had I
attended to the precepts and warnings of my kind parent--how much of
bitter self-reproach. And I must warn my young friends, that although
the adventures I went through may be found very interesting to read
about, they would discover the reality to be very full of pain and
wretchedness were they subjected to it; and yet I may tell them that the
physical suffering I endured was as nothing when compared to the anguish
of mind I felt, when, left for hours and days to my own bitter thoughts,
I remembered that through my own perverseness I had brought it all upon
myself.
Often have I envied the light hearts of my fellow-sufferers, whose
consciences did not blame them. Let me urge you, then, in your course
through life, on all occasions to act rightly, and to take counsel and
advice from those on whose judgment you should rely; and then not only
in the next world will you have your reward, but, in this, through the
severest trials and bodily suffering you will enjoy a peace of mind and
a happiness of which no man can deprive you.
My parents had four sons and five daughters. My eldest brother was
studying for the bar in Dublin; and, as the family fortune was limited,
we were somewhat cramped to afford him the requisite means for his
education. I was consequently kept at home, picking up, when I felt
disposed, any crumbs of knowledge which came in my way, but seldom going
out of my way to find them; nor had I, unfortunately, any plan fixed on
for my future career.
My mother, was constantly employed with my sisters, and my father with
his clerical duties or his literary pursuits; so that I was forgotten,
and allowed to look after myself. I am unable to account for the
neglect to which I was subjected, but such was the case; and
consequently I ran wild, and contrived, to become acquainted with some
scampish youths in the neighbourhood, in every way my inferiors except
in age; and they gave me lessons which I was, I own, too willing to
learn, in all that was bad.
Sporting was my greatest amusement; and, for my age, I was perhaps one
of the best shots in all the country round. While I confined myself to
my father's glebe, and to the grounds of two or three friends who had
given me leave to shoot, he did not object to my indulging my
propensity; but, not content with so narrow a sphere of action, I used
frequently, in company of some of the youths I speak of, to wander over
property where I not only had no right to kill game, but where I had
positively been forbidden to trespass, and where I even knew people were
on the look-out to detect me.
I had just returned from one of these lawless expeditions, when I was
encountered by my father, laden with game, and the scene I have
described took place. As I before said (and I repeat it with shame), I
felt the loss of my gun more than I cared for the lecture, or the grief
my conduct caused my father. I can scarcely now account for the
obstinacy and hardness of heart which made me shut my ears to all
remonstrances. I have since then grown wiser, and I hope better; and I
feel that I ought at once to have asked my father's forgiveness, and to
have cheerfully set to work on some occupation of which he approved.
With me, as it will be with every one, idleness was the mother of all
mischief.
For two days I sulked, and would speak to no one. On the third I set
off to take a walk by myself, across the bogs, and over the hills in the
far distance. I had got into a better spirit from the fresh air and
exercise; and I truly believe that I was beginning to see my error, and
was resolving to do my best to make amends for it, and to give up my bad
habits, when who should I encounter but Pat Doolan, one of the wildest
of my wild acquaintances!
Before a word of salutation had passed, he asked me why I had not got my
gun with me; and after a weak and vain endeavour to avoid answering the
question, I confessed all that had occurred. He sneered at my fears and
my fathers' warnings, and laughed away all my half-formed good
resolutions,--telling me that I might just as well go and borrow one of
my sister's petticoats at once, for to that I should come at last if I
was going to give up all manly pursuits. Unhappy, indeed, it was for me
that I listened to the voice of the tempter, instead of keeping my good
resolutions safely locked up in my own breast, and instantly hurrying
away from him, as I ought to have done. Or perhaps I might have
answered him, "No; I must not, and will not, listen to you. I know that
what I have resolved to do is right, and that which you want to persuade
me to do is wicked--an instigation of the evil one; so go away and leave
me." And if he persisted in remaining near me, I should have set off
and run from him as hard as I could go. This is the only way to treat
temptation in whatever form it appears. Fly from it as you would from
the slippery edge of a precipice.
Instead of acting thus, I sat down on the heather by his side, and,
looking foolish and humbled, I began plucking off the crisp flowers and
leaves, and throwing them to the winds. He asked me if I knew where the
gun was locked up. When I told him that it was not locked up at all,
but merely placed on the mantelpiece in my father's dressing-room, he
laughed at me for fool because I had not before re-possessed myself of
it. Fool I was, in truth; but it was to yield to the bad advice my
false and false-hearted friend tendered. I own that I at first was
rather shocked at what he said; but still I sat and listened, and made
only weak objections, so that he very speedily overcame all my scruples;
and I undertook to get back my gun at all cost, and to join him on the
following morning on a shooting expedition on the property of a
nobleman, some part of which was seen from the hill where we had posted
ourselves.
Doolan could make himself very entertaining by narrating a variety of
wild adventures in which he or his companions had been engaged, or, I
may say, in some of which he pretended to have been engaged; for I since
have had reason to believe that he drew considerably more on his
imagination than on truth for the subjects of his tales, for the purpose
of raising himself in my estimation, thereby hoping to gain a greater
influence over me.
I have often since met such characters, who are very boastful and bold
in the company of lads younger than themselves, or of persons whom they
think will believe them, but cautious and silent in the presence of
those whom they have sufficient discernment to perceive at once take
them at their true value. Observe one of those fellows the instant an
educated gentleman appears in the circle of which he is the
attraction,--how his eye will quail and his voice sink, and he will
endeavour to sneak away before his true character is exposed. I need
scarcely advise my readers not to be misled by such pretenders.
The property on which we had resolved to poach was owned by Lord
Fetherston. We knew that he maintained but few keepers, and that those
were not very vigilant. He also, we believed, was away from the
country, so that we had no fears of being detected.
I said that my father had few enemies. For some reason or other,
however, Lord Fetherston was one. I did not know why; and this fact
Doolan, who was well aware of it, took care to bring forward in
justification of the attack we purposed to make on his property. I
should have known that it was no justification whatever; but when people
want reasons for committing a bad act, they are obliged to make very bad
ones serve their purpose.
Pat Doolan was my senior by three years. He was the son of a man who
was nominally a small farmer, but in reality a smuggler, and the owner
of an illicit distillery; indeed I do not know what other lawless
avocations he carried on.
Very inferior, therefore, as he was in position in life, though Pat
Doolan was well supplied with money, he considered it of consequence to
be intimate with me, and to gain an ascendency over my mind, which he
might turn to account some time or other. He kept me sitting on the
heather, and listening to his good stories, and laughing at them, for
upwards of two hours, till he felt sure that my good resolutions would
not come back. During this time he produced some bread and meat and
whisky, of which latter he made me drink no small quantity, and he then
accompanied me towards my home, in sight of which he left me, with a
promise to meet him on the same spot at daybreak on the following
morning.
Even that very evening, as I sat with a book in my hand pretending to
read, in the same room the family occupied, and listened to the cheerful
voices of my light-hearted innocent sisters, I began to repent of my
engagement to Doolan; but the fear of his laughing at me, and talking
again about my sisters' petticoats, made me resolve to adhere to it.