A messenger came to my door to tell me that Mrs. Hollingford was waiting
to see me. Rachel, restored to her senses, was lying upon my bed with
her face hidden on my hands.
"Rachel," I said, "I must go to her; but before I go tell me, assure me,
that what you have said is true, that you are truly the daughter of Mrs.
Hollingford."
"I am truly her daughter, Mary Hollingford," said Rachel (for I cannot
but still call her Rachel); "I am John's sister. That is the secret I
wanted to tell you one night, when you were jealous. But you would not
listen. I have more, much more, to tell you; but go now. One thing I beg
you to promise me--that you will tell her you have changed your mind
about going to London. Let the Tyrrells go, and stay you with me--oh,
stay with me! I want you so badly; and, now that I have once spoken, I
will trust you with everything--all my wickedness and weakness, all my
troubles and difficulties."
She spoke entreatingly, and her tears fell over my hands as she kissed
them.
"I will stay," I said; and the sun began to dance on the walls, it
seemed. "I will help you all I can; and, oh, how glad I shall be to let
the Tyrrells go without me!"
And then I went down-stairs.
I found my dear old lady looking very sad and worn and anxious. I threw
myself into her arms and sobbed on her neck.
"What is this, my love?" she said. "Is it a mistake, after all? And
whose is the fault? Is it yours, or is it John's?"
"Mine--mine," I cried. "And I am not going to London. But you must not
tell John this, because he might think--"
"Think what?" she said smiling.
"Oh, I don't know; but you must only tell him that I have deferred my
visit because Miss Leonard," I choked a little over the word, "has
pressed me to remain here longer."
She went away smiling and satisfied, and I went wondering back to my
room to hear Rachel's story.
I found her standing, as pale as a ghost, at my window, which commanded
a view of the approach to the house. Looking over her shoulder, I saw
Mrs. Hollingford's black robe disappearing among the trees.
"Now, Rachel," I said--"now for your story. I have done what you bid me.
I am going to stay with you. Trust me with everything, I am full of
anxiety and wonder."
But at that moment a messenger came to the door seeking Miss Leonard.
Mr. Noble was waiting for her to walk with him.
Rachel flushed at the summons.
"Do not go; send him word that you are engaged--what can it matter?" I
said eagerly.
"No, no," said Rachel confusedly. "You must excuse me now, Margery. I
must go. Have patience with me, dear," she added wistfully. "I will come
to your room to-night."
And she went away sadly.
She came to me that night surely. She asked me to put out the lights,
and crouching on a low seat by the fire, she told me her story.
"Do not ask me to look in your face till I have done," she said, "but
let me hold your hand, and whenever you are too much disgusted and
sickened with me to hear me any longer draw away your hand, that I may
know."
Poor Rachel! that was what she said in beginning. I will tell you her
history as nearly as possible in the way that she related it, but I
cannot now recollect, and it were useless to repeat one half the bitter
words of self-condemnation which she used.
* * * * *
When quite a little girl (she said) I was sent to a school in Paris. Oh,
why did my mother send me so early from her side? It was a worldly
school--worldly to the last degree. I learned chiefly to think that in
proportion as my father was honoured and wealthy, my friends gay and
extravagant, just so were my chances of happiness in life. I had
handsome clothes and rich presents, and I was a great favourite.
There was a lady, a friend of my father's, who lived in Paris, and who
had liberty to take me for holidays to her house as often as she
pleased. She made a pet of me, and I spent at least half my time in her
carriage or her salon. She had charming toilettes prepared for me, which
I was enchanted to wear. Thus I was early introduced to the gay world of
Paris, and learned its lessons of folly and vanity by heart. I can
remember myself dressed like a fantastic doll, flitting from one room to
another, listening to the conversation of the ladies and admiring their
costumes. Every summer I came home for a time, but I found home dull
after Paris, and I was rather in awe of my mother's grave face and quiet
ways. She always parted with me against her will--I knew that--but it
was my father's wish that I should have a Parisian education.
I was just seventeen, on the point of leaving school, bewitched by
vanity and arrogance and the delights of the world, when the dreadful
news came--you know--about my father, his ruin and disgrace. The effect
on me was like nothing you could enter into or conceive. I think it
deprived me even of reason, such reason as I had. I had nothing in
me--nothing had ever been put in me--to enable me to endure such a
horrible reverse.
My mother had written to that friend, the lady I have mentioned, begging
her to break the news to me. She, however, was on the point of leaving
Paris for her country château, and simply wrote to madame, the mistress
of my school, transferring the unpleasant task to her. She sent her love
to me, and assured me she was very sorry, _desolée_, that she could not
delay, to pay me a visit. I have never seen her since.
And so the whole school knew of my fall and disgrace as soon as I
learned it myself. The first thing I did when I understood the full
extent of my humiliation was to seize my hat and cloak, and rush out of
the house with the intention of never coming back, never being seen
again by anyone who had known me. But after walking Paris for several
hours, and getting two or three rough frights through being alone and
unprotected, I was overcome with fear and fatigue, and was obliged to
return by evening, hungry, weary, and sullen, to the school.
I took it for granted that all the world would now be my enemy, and,
determined not to wait to be shuffled off by my friends, I assumed at
once an air of hauteur and defiance which estranged me from every one.
My mother, my poor mother, wrote to me, begging me to be patient until
she should find it convenient to bring me home. Patient! Oh dear, I did
not know the meaning of the word! No, I would not go home; I would
change my name and never willingly see again the face of one who knew
me.
Every day I searched the papers, and soon saw an advertisement which I
thought might suit me. An English lady in Paris required an English
companion, "young, cheerful, and well-educated." Without losing a moment
I went straight to the hotel where the lady lived, saw her, pleased her;
she was good, kind Mrs. Hill.
I gave her an assumed name, the first that entered my head, and referred
her to madame, at my pension. When I returned home I said:
"Madame, I have two hundred francs here in my desk; they shall be yours
if you will not undeceive a lady who is coming here to assure herself
that I am respectable and well-educated, and that I am Miss Leonard, an
orphan, and of an honourable family."
Madame coloured and hesitated; she was surprised at my audacity; but I
knew that she had bills coming due just then, and that she was
extravagant. We, her pupils, had talked over these things. She
hesitated, but in the end agreed to oblige her dear child, who had been
to her so good and so profitable a pupil. Perhaps she thought I acted
with the consent of my mother, that it was not her affair, and that
Providence had sent her my little offering to help her to pay her just
debts.
Mrs. Hill came the next day; a word satisfied her, and she only stayed
about three minutes. She was preparing to leave Paris for Rome, and had
many affairs to attend to in the meantime. She urged me to come to her
without delay, and in a few hours I was established under her roof.
I was then quite unaware that I had omitted to mention Mrs. Hill's name
or address to madame, and that madame had forgotten, or had not been
sufficiently interested in the matter to ask it. As I said before, I
think it is likely that madame believed I acted with the consent of my
friends, and that she had no further concern in the matter. Indeed,
indeed, I had then no idea of deserting my mother altogether. I was
hurried along by impulse, and I intended, when the hurry of action
should be over, to write and tell her of all I had done. I little
thought that when I quitted my school that day, without leaving behind
me the name and address of my new protector, I cut away the only clue by
which it might be possible my mother should find me in the future. I did
not know that I should afterwards deliberately turn my back upon her,
and hide myself from her.
Arthur Noble dined with us on that very first evening of my acquaintance
with the Hills. You know that I have been long engaged to Arthur, and I
will speak to you freely about him. He has often told me since that he
liked me from the first moment he saw me. I felt it even that evening;
though I could not believe in it. But the possibility of it dazzled and
bewildered me, so powerful was the fascination he possessed for me.
When I went to bed that night I felt my heart strangely softened and
opened. I thought a great deal about my mother and my home, of which I
knew so little, and for the first time feared that I had done very
wrong, and resolved to write to my mother surely on the morrow. I felt
myself to be an impostor and a liar, and I trembled, thinking of her
just anger at my falsehood and cowardice. I felt that when writing to
her I must make up my mind to confess to Mrs. Hill that I had deceived
her respecting my name and condition, and bribed my schoolmistress to
deceive her also. I knew that my mother would not tolerate the deceit;
but the thought of the confession was insufferable to me.
The next day, while we sat together, Mrs. Hill talked to me about Arthur
Noble. He was a great pet of hers, and at present she was particularly
interested in his circumstances. He had a cousin in England who was a
great heiress, and whom his father wanted him to marry. Arthur disliked
the idea extremely; and as the lady was supposed to be very well
inclined towards him, he was anxious to avoid danger by prolonging his
tour abroad. He had arranged to go on to Rome with them, the Hills; but
only yesterday, his father, Sir Arthur Noble, had met him in Paris,
urging him to give up the project, and return at once to England. He,
Sir Arthur, had lost heavily by the failure and bad conduct of a London
banker--a gentleman who had been his personal friend. My heart beat
thickly as I heard her say this; but I did not dare to ask the name of
that banker. In the midst of my dismay, Arthur Noble came in to assure
Mrs. Hill that he still intended to be of the party to Rome. His
father's ill-humour would subside by and by. He was only a little upset
by the shocking conduct of his friend Mr. Hollingford. Then Mrs. Hill
asked questions on the subject, and I sat by stitching at my embroidery
while Arthur described my father's disgrace.
My letter to my mother was not written that day. In the afternoon we
went out, and in the excitement of shopping I tried to forget
everything--who I was, what I was, what I had done, and what I ought to
do. In the evening Arthur Noble appeared again, and with him came his
father. Sir Arthur and Mr. Hill conversed apart, but I could hear the
fiery old baronet giving vent to his anger against my father. Arthur
devoted himself to Mrs. Hill and me. I was bewildered and distracted at
the position in which my rash conduct had placed me, and I was very
silent. Arthur exerted himself to amuse me, and under the spell of his
attractions my remorse was smothered.
I have not spoken to you yet of the wonderful affection which Mrs. Hill
lavished on me. You have seen it lately, but it was the same from the
first. She made me her daughter at once, as far as her conduct to me
could do so, though I had been some months her companion before she
declared her intention of formally adopting me.
Day followed day, and Arthur was always by my side. A new feverish dream
of happiness encompassed me, and it was only in the quiet of wakeful
nights that I thought of my mother and sisters and brother, and longed
to hear some news of my sorrowful home. Every night my wrestlings with
my selfish nature grew weaker and weaker. I could not risk exposure and
banishment from Arthur's presence. I left Paris for Rome without writing
to my mother.
You will hate me, Margery. I hate myself. I gave myself up to the
delight of the hour, and in selfish happiness drowned the reproaches of
my conscience, till I told myself at last that it was too late to undo
what I had done. Time flew, and I became engaged to Arthur, secretly at
first, for he dreaded his father's displeasure. We went from place to
place, staying a few months here and a few months there. We spent a year
at Rome, and Arthur was with us nearly all the time. When we had been
some time engaged, Arthur confided in his father, and asked his consent
to our marriage. Sir Arthur was hopelessly enraged at the idea, and, as
we could not marry without his consent, we have been obliged to be
patient ever since. Arthur has always kept telling me that he knew his
father would relent in time. And he was right. The time has come. Sir
Arthur has at last reluctantly withdrawn his opposition, and we may be
married on any day in the future which I may choose to name.
Stay, stay! do not ask me any questions, or I shall not be able to go
on. Let me tell you everything before I stop. I used to dream that when
I was married to Arthur, when no power on earth could separate us, I
would confess who I was, seek out my mother, and ask her forgiveness.
Remorse never left me, and I had bitterness in the midst of my
happiness. Arthur suspected that I had trouble which I would not share
with him, yet I could not bring myself to confess, so great was my fear
of being parted from him.
Some time before that evening when I first met you in London, I went to
see some friends of Arthur's. During that time, for several months, I
had not seen Mr. or Mrs. Hill; but in the meanwhile Mrs. Hill had
written to me of their intention of coming here to Hillsbro', saying
that Mr. Hill's new agent had written such cheerful accounts of the
estate, that he felt a longing to be on the spot, giving encouragement
to the improvements which were going forward. She did not mention the
name of the new agent, and it was only on that evening when I first met
you, when with shame and bitter self-reproach I heard you defend my poor
mother so valiantly, it was only then I knew that the agent was my
brother, and that I was actually coming to live within a few miles of my
deserted home.
My first thought was that now, indeed, the time for making all the
crooked things straight had come; but, oh Margery, you cannot imagine,
one like you never could imagine anything so wickedly weak as I am. The
old bugbear of our family disgrace, the old terror of Arthur's throwing
me off in disgust, rose up again with all their former strength, and I
came here torn by conflicting feelings. You saw my meeting with John.
The next day, when he came here to dine, I found an opportunity of
telling him my story. He was very severe with me at first, though not so
much so as I deserved; but he forgave me at last, on condition that I
would make up my mind to be honest with every one, let the consequences
be what they might. I promised this; but again and again my courage has
failed. He has been so good, so kind, so patient with me. He told me of
my mother, of the children, of you, and, oh, how he chafed at the
thought of what you would feel about the affair. Every time we met he
reproached me with my cowardice and delay, and I made fresh promises;
but Arthur's letters invariably broke down my courage and destroyed my
resolutions. Again and again John has asked me to allow him to tell you
who I was, but I would not suffer it. I could see no reason for humbling
myself sooner to you than to anyone else, until one day it flashed on me
that you were jealous of me. Then, after a hard struggle, I came to you
to tell my story. You repulsed me, you even assured me that the Tyrrells
were your best friends. I was glad of the excuse to spare myself and my
secret. And so it has gone on. Latterly John has scarcely spoken to,
hardly looked at me. I think he has given me up. I know not what he
means to do, but I think he means to let me have my own way. I think I
should have been silent to the last, but that I saw my mother to-day. I
saw her! I saw her!
* * * * *
"And now you will tell her all--everything," I said, squeezing her
hands, while the tears were raining down my face.
"Margery, Margery!" cried Rachel, "how can I give up Arthur? Here he has
come to me after these years of waiting, and presses me to name a day
for our marriage, and I am to meet him with a story like this! He would
despise me."
"I think," said I, "that if he be a generous man he will forgive you.
After loving you so long, he will not give you up so easily. And your
mother," I added. "Think of all she has suffered. Is she worth no
sacrifice?"
"She never knew me," said Rachel gloomily, "and she will be happier
never to know me. She could not have smiled as she did to-day if she had
not forgotten that I ever existed."
"That is a selfish delusion," I said. "If your mother never knew you, it
is plain, at least, that you have never known her. Such a woman could
not forget her child. You cannot think that she has not sought for you,
and mourned for you, all these years?"
"Oh no," said Rachel, with another burst of sorrow, "John has told me.
They searched, they advertised, they suffered agony, and feared every
terrible thing, till at last they were obliged to soothe one another by
trying to think me, by speaking of me as, dead. Little Mopsie thinks I
am dead. So it has been, and so it must be."
"So it must not be," I persisted, and I fought with her all night. The
dawn was in the room before she got up to leave me, pale, and worn, and
weary, but promising that she would make yet one more great struggle
with herself to break the chain of deceit with which one rash falsehood
had so strongly bound her.