The next morning I set off for a solitary walk to the farm. I was going
to ask of Mrs. Hollingford formal permission for my visit to London, and
to say good-bye to her and the girls. I cried sadly to myself walking
over the happy moor and through the wood. I felt unutterably lonely and
wobegone. I was going to part from my only friends, and the separation
was at hand. I knew that Mrs. Hollingford would blame me, and I felt it
hardly worth my while to defend myself. I had quarrelled with John, and
broken our engagement. I was going to London with gayer friends.
Everything was against me; all the wrong seemed mine. I knew that the
dear old lady would say little, only look sad and disappointed, thinking
in her heart that things were turning out as she had prophesied; would
give me full permission to go where I pleased, and do what I pleased;
would kiss and bless me; and then I should have the wide world before
me.
It was a radiant May day. A saint has said that "peace is the
tranquillity of order;" and such a peace brooded over the happy farm as
I crossed its sunny meadows, heard the bleating of its lambs, the lowing
of its kine, met its labourers coming and going. An idler was piping
somewhere in the fields, the rooks were cawing, the leaves on the boughs
just winked in the breeze, the Hall door lay open as usual. I did not
see a soul about, and I walked in without summoning anyone. I opened the
parlour door; the place smelt of May and myrtle, and there were fresh
roses in the jars, but there was no one there. No one in the kitchen,
dairy, still-room; the maids were abroad this glorious noon. I went
upstairs, looking for a face in vain till I came to our school-room.
There was Jane alone, sitting at the table over some books, her head
between her hands, her hair thrust back from her face, looking older and
paler and thinner since I had seen her; a stern, sad-looking young
student, with her back to the sun that burned upon the lattice.
Her face turned scarlet when she saw me, and then became paler than
before. She gave me her hand coldly, as if she would rather have held it
by her side. Her mother was out, she said; had gone to visit at a poor
house where there was death and trouble, and would not be home till
evening. Mopsie had taken the dogs for a ramble. Then we both sat down
and were silent, and Jane's eyes wandered over everything in the room,
but would not meet mine.
"I am going to London, Jane," I said, "and I came to bid you good-bye."
"I know," she said. "John told me." And she blushed again fiercely. "I
am very glad. I have thought for a long time that London was the place
that would suit you best. I knew you would soon tire of the farm."
"I have not tired of the farm," I said, "but the farm has tired of me."
She glanced up amazed, then smiled bitterly, and turned aside her head
without speaking, as if such utter nonsense could not be thought worthy
of an answer.
"However," I added, "I did not come here to talk about that--"
"No," she interrupted hastily, "it is not worth your while to make any
pretence to us. We do not expect to have friends; we never thought of it
till you came. In time we shall get used to the curse our father left
upon us."
"Jane, Jane," I said angrily, "how can you be so wicked?"
"How can I help being wicked?" she asked. "I heard that it was
prophesied of us that we should all turn out badly, because ill conduct
runs in the blood."
"You do not deserve to have such a mother," I said.
"Oh! my mother!" she said in an altered tone. "But she has given all her
sweetness to Mopsie, and--to John," she added, with an effort, a tear
starting in her eye. "But I am my father's daughter. She would cure me
too, if she knew of my badness; but she is a saint, and thinks no evil.
I work hard at my books, and she calls me a good industrious girl. I
will never pour out my bitterness on her. But if my father were here I
would let him know what he has done."
The hopeless hardness of her young voice smote me with pain, but I could
think of nothing to say to her. I felt that she thought I had been false
to John, and that her sympathy for him had stirred all the latent
bitterness of her nature.
"And how is the young lady at the Hall?" she asked suddenly.
"Do you mean Miss Leonard?" I said.
"Oh, yes--Miss Leonard," said Jane, dropping her eyes on the floor with
a strange look.
"Very well," I answered, thinking of the jubilee that was going on at
the Hall.
"There is more wickedness in the world than mine," said Jane still
frowning at the carpet. "She is false, and you are false--every one is
false. I only know of two grand souls in the world--my mother and John.
But the wicked ones will prosper, see if they don't--those who are gay
and charming, at least. Bad ones like me go down like a stone, and lie
at the bottom."
At this moment an eager treble voice was heard on the stairs, and the
next Mopsie and I were crying, with our heads together, on the lobby.
"Oh, Margery, Margery!" sobbed the little one--"dear, darling, _sweet_
Margery! why are you going away? You promised you would always stay. Oh,
oh, Margery!"
An hour passed before I could tear myself away from the child. Jane
prepared luncheon, which was not eaten; but she did not attempt to share
in our sorrow and caresses. When I turned from the door Mopsie was
prostrate, weeping on the mat; and Jane was standing upright in the
doorway, straight, stern, and pale. So I went sorrowing back to the
Hall. And I had not seen Mrs. Hollingford.
Had I seen her that day, had her errand of mercy not taken her away from
her home and kept her away while I stayed, the whole current of my life
and of the lives of others might have been changed. She would then have
had no reason to come and visit me the next morning at the Hall, as she
did.
I was busy packing in my own room, enlivening my work by humming gay
airs, just to make-believe to myself that I was very merry at the
prospect of my visit to London. The door opened quickly, and Rachel came
in, walking on tiptoe, with her hand to her lips in trepidation. Her
face was as pale as snow, and large tears stood in her eyes.
"My mother, my mother!" she said like one talking in her sleep. "I have
seen my mother."
"What do you mean, Rachel?" I cried quite panic-stricken; for I thought
that her mother was dead, and she must have seen a ghost.
"My mother--Mrs. Hollingford; you know her; you are her true daughter; I
am nobody--a liar, an outcast. Oh, Margery! she did not know me. Am I
changed? I was a child then. And she!--how sunken her eyes are, and
dim!--she did not know me. 'And this is Miss Leonard!' she said; and I
hung my false face, and curtsied from the distance, and ran away. Oh, my
mother! Margery, Margery!"
The strange confused words passed like light into my brain. First the
room grew dark, and then so bewilderingly bright, that I could see
nothing. But presently Rachel's white face, with its piteous look came
glimmering towards me. I stretched out both my hands to her, but she
melted from my touch; what colour of life remained in her face faded
away from it, and she fell in a swoon at my feet.