The winter was passing away at this time, and spring days were beginning
to shine. I walked out of my bed-room into the bright March world and
saw the primroses laughing in the hollows. I thought my heart broke
outright when I heard the first lark begin to sing. After that things
went still further wrong. John came to take me out for a drive one day,
and I would not go. And the Tyrrells were staying at the Hall.
Whether it was that Rachel shunned me of her own wish, or because she
saw that I had learned to despise her, I do not know; but we kept apart.
My poor soul was quite adrift. Anguish for the past, disgust at the
present, terror of the future, all weighed on it. If I had known of any
convent of saintly nuns, such as I had read of in poems and legends, who
took the weary in at their door and healed the sick, who would have
preached to me, prayed with me, let me sit at their feet and weep at
their knees till I had struggled through this dark phase of my life, I
would have got up and fled to them in the night, and left no trace
behind me.
I hated to stay at the Hall, and yet I stayed. Mr. Hill--kind
heart!--said he would bar the gates, and set on the dogs if I attempted
to move. He and his wife both fancied at this time to make a pet of me.
I had been ill in their house, and I must get well in their house. They
would warrant to make the time pleasant. So the Tyrrells were bidden to
come and stay a month. Grace Tyrrell arrived with her high spirits, her
frivolity, her odour of the world, took me in her hands, and placed
herself at once between me and Rachel. She found me weak, irritable,
wobegone. She questioned, petted, coaxed. Partly through curiosity, and
partly through good-nature, she tried to win my confidence, and in an
evil hour I told her all my trouble. I listened to her censure, scoffs,
counsels, and my heart turned to steel against John.
She was older than me by five or six years. I was a good little simple
babe, she said, but she, she knew the world. It was only in story books,
or by younglings like me that lovers were expected to be true. Miss
Leonard was an "old flame," and, if all that was said might be true,
would be heiress of Hillsbro'. Yes, yes, she knew; I need not blaze out.
I had made myself a hero, as simple hearts do, but my idol was clay all
the same. Wealth and power would do for John Hollingford what his
father's misconduct had undone. It was utter silliness my abasing
myself, saying that Rachel Leonard was more lovable than I. Her rich
expectations were her superior charm. Oh me! how people will talk, just
to be thought knowing, just to be thought wise, just to dazzle, and to
create an excitement for the hour.
I do think that Grace Tyrrell loved me after her own fashion, and that
she thought I had been hardly used; but the sympathy she gave me was a
weak sympathy, that loved to spend itself in words, that was curious to
sift out the matter of my grief, that laid little wiles to prove the
judgment she had given me true. She had watched them (Rachel and John),
she said, and John's manner was not the manner of a lover, though he
affected it as much as he could. He was trying to bind her with
promises, but she would not be bound. Yes, she, Grace, had watched them,
and would watch them. Every night she brought me into her room, and
detailed her observations of the day, and pitied and petted and caressed
her poor darling. I was weak in health, and unutterably lonely and sad,
and I clung to her protection and kindness. But instinctively I
distrusted her judgment. I disliked her coarse views of things, and
followed her counsels doubtingly.
I have not described her to you yet, my children. Imagine, then, a
showy, frivolous-looking, blonde young woman, fond of pretty feathers,
and flowers, and gay colours; pretty enough in her way, good-humoured
and talkative.
I thought, then, that I had every reason to be grateful to her, and I
blamed myself for not loving her spontaneously, as I had loved, as I
still fought against loving Rachel. I think now that I had no reason to
be grateful to her. If she had not been always by my side, so faithful,
so watchful, so never-failing with her worldly lesson, I think I should
have found a way out of the darkness of my trouble. I think I should
have softened a little when Rachel met me in the gallery, twined her
soft arm round my neck, and asked me why we two should be so estranged.
I think I should have wept when John took my hand between his two and
asked me, in God's name, to tell him why I had grown so altered. But I
was blind, deaf, and dumb to their advances. Their reproaches were
meaningless, their caresses treacherous, and I would have none of them.
I would stand where they themselves had placed me, but I would draw no
nearer to set their consciences at rest. And then there was Captain
Tyrrell at the Hall.
Why did Grace Tyrrell want me to marry her brother? I do not know;
unless because she liked me, for she was fond of him; unless because my
substantial dowry would be of use to the needy man of fashion. I had
heard before that he had made two unsuccessful attempts to marry an
heiress. I was not an heiress, but the hand that I should give to a
husband would be pretty well filled. At all events he was ever by my
side, and Grace (I am now sure) helped him to contrive that it should be
so. I did not like him, I never had liked him. Before I had come to
Hillsbro' he had wearied me with compliments and attentions. When he had
visited me at the farm, elegant as he was, I had contrasted him
unfavourably with the absent "ploughman," wondering that language had
only provided one word, "man," by which to designate two creatures so
different. He was the same now that he had been then; but I, who had
soared to things higher, had fallen. Anyone was useful to talk to, to
walk with, to drive with, so that time might pass; any noise, any
bustle, that would keep me from thinking, was grateful. So I tolerated
the attention of Captain Tyrrell, and he and Grace hemmed me in between
them. Rachel looked on in silence, sometimes with contempt, sometimes
with wondering pity. John kept further and further aloof, and his face
got darker, and sadder, and sterner to me. And this it was that
bewildered and chafed me more than anything I had suffered yet. Why,
since he had turned his back upon me, would he keep constantly looking
over his shoulder? And, oh me! how Grace did whisper; and how her
whispers fired me with pride, while the confidence I had foolishly given
her daily wore away my womanly self-respect.
My children, you will wonder why I did not behave heroically under this
trial. You despise a heroine who is subject to the most common faults
and failings. The old woman now can look back and mark out a better
course of conduct for the girl. But the girl is gone--the past is past,
the life is lived. I was full of the humours and delusions of nineteen
years, and I saw the glory and delight of my youth wrecked. Existence
was merely inextricable confusion in the dark. I never dreamt of a path
appearing, of a return of sunshine, of a story like this to be
afterwards told.
Rachel's conduct was variable and strange to me at this time. She kept
aloof from me, as I have told you, looking on at my poor little frantic
efforts to be careless with a grand contempt. She watched me as closely
as Grace watched her; but one day, I know not how it happened, some word
of jealous misery escaped me, and Rachel grew very white and silent, and
there was a long pause of days before either of us addressed the other
again; but Rachel's look and manner was altered to me from that moment.
A long, tender, wistful gaze followed me about. She did not venture to
dispute Grace Tyrrell's possession of me, but it made her uneasy. She
was observant and sad, patient and kind, while my manner to her was
often irritable and repellent. One night she stole into my room when I
was sinking to sleep, and bent over me in my bed. "My darling, my
sister!" she said, "let me kiss you, let me put my arms round you. Oh!
why will you always turn away from me?"
I did not answer, except by moving my face shudderingly aside.
"Margery," she whispered again, "tell me why you have turned against me
and John Hollingford."
"You and John!" said I, opening my eyes and looking at her. "Yes, that
is it. You and John. Dear me; am I not grateful to you both? How odd!"
"Margery, shall I swear that you have no reason to be jealous of me?"
"Oh, no, Rachel," I said; "don't swear. Go away and be happy, as I am,
and sleep soundly."
She moved away a step or two, but came back hesitatingly.
"Margery," said she, "I want to tell you--if you will listen to me--I
have a great trouble."
"Have you?" said I. "To think of anyone having a trouble in this world!
I can't believe it."
"But, Margery," she said, putting her hands on my shoulders, and looking
down at me, "I have a secret, and I came here to tell it to you, and you
must listen, for it concerns you."
"Does it?" said I; "then you had better not trust me with your secret,
Rachel. I think I have a wild creature chained up in me somewhere, and
it might do you harm. I advise you not to have anything to do with me.
Good-night."
"Ah!" said she bitterly, turning away, "was ever anyone so changed in so
short a time. This is Miss Tyrrell's doing. She is a spy upon me, and
yet I defy her to know anything about me. She has filled you with her
own cruel prejudice."
"Do not say anything against the Tyrrells in my hearing," I said. "They
are the dearest friends I have."
"If that be true," answered Rachel thoughtfully, "I have nothing more to
say. The thing that I was going to tell you does not concern you, and I
have been spared a humiliation for the present. When you know all, you
can cry out against me with the rest. Remember," she added distinctly
with proud bitterness, "I give you full permission."
She turned away and moved across the room; she stopped before the dying
fire, standing above it, and looking down into it. I saw her dark figure
between me and the fading glare, her head lowered on her breast, her
arms hanging dejectedly by her side. She mused there a few minutes, and
then went noiselessly out of the room.