My children, when I sat that night over the embers of my dying fire in
my chamber at Hillsbro' Hall, whilst every one else was asleep, there
has never been a more desolate creature in the world than I felt myself
to be. I had behaved all the evening very meekly and quietly, keeping
out of John's way, accepting Rachel's attentions, watching and admiring
her with a dull kind of fascination. I remember observing absently, in a
mirror at the other end of the room, the white pensive face of a young
girl sitting very still in a corner, rapt in thought or pain. I wondered
whether she was sick or in trouble; but afterwards I found by accident
that I had been speculating about myself. A little chill smile came to
my lips at this discovery; but I felt hardly any surprise at seeing
myself thus so different from what I had ever been before. The world had
changed, and I with it, since the fall of twilight in the gallery.
Rachel sang and the room applauded; people danced and Rachel amongst
them; young gentlemen were introduced to me, and I told them "I don't
dance" with my cold lips. There was an agonising pressure on my senses,
of sound, light, perfume. I thought it was these things that gave the
pain, while from my heart, which seemed perfectly still, came forth at
intervals the repetition "I will get over it, I will get over it." John
found me out, and said, quite startled, "What is the matter with you,
Margery?" I complained of "my head," and drew back within the shelter of
a curtain. "Margery, my dearest, you are ill," he said, and then the
flood-gates of bitterness opened in my heart. How long was he going to
act a cruel lie to me? I said, "I am ill; I must go to bed." He followed
me out of the room, questioned me anxiously, wrapped me in a shawl,
stood at the foot of the stairs watching till I passed out of sight; all
as if he had still loved me.
When I reached my room I blew out my candles, and the fireplace was the
only spot of light in the large shadowy room. I walked up and down in
the dark, thinking about it all. I could imagine how Rachel and John had
met whilst I was still in Miss Sweetman's school-room. There had been a
quarrel, and then had come John's misfortunes, and they had never met
again till that morning in the sunrise on the snow. I knew the story as
perfectly as if the firelight were printing it all over the walls for me
to read. And then I had risen up between them, and here I stood between
them now, when all their mistakes had been cleared up, and all their old
feelings revived. Well, I would not be in their way. I would go away
from Hillsboro'.
I crept over to the fire, drew the embers together, and watched them
waning and dying in the grate. I no longer told myself that I should get
over it. I knew that I should not die, or go mad, nor do anything that
people could talk about; but deep in my heart I knew that here was a
sorrow that would go with me to my grave. I felt that I was not a girl
to put my foot on the memory of it, and go out into the world again to
be wooed and won afresh. I knew that the spring of my days were going to
end in winter. Then I thought of how I had turned my back upon the whole
world, all the world that I knew, to follow my mother's friends to
Hillsbro'; how I had loved them, how I had given my whole heart and
faith to John; how trusting, how satisfied, how happy I had been. At
last my heart swelled up in softer grief, and I wept with my face buried
in my arms where I lay upon the hearth-rug. And so after long grieving I
sobbed myself to sleep, and wakened in the dark, towards morning,
shuddering with cold in my thin dress.
The next day I was ill with a feverish cold, and Rachel tended me. Never
was there a nurse more tender, more patient, more attentive. I was not
at all so ill as to require constant watching, but she hovered about my
bed, applying remedies, tempting me with dainties, changing my pillows,
shifting the blinds so as to keep the room cheerful, yet save my burning
eyes from the light. She would not be coaxed away from me even for an
hour. Mrs. Hill, though kind and sympathetic herself, in a different
way, was dissatisfied, I think. There were other guests, and she was a
lady who took the duties of hospitality seriously to heart. But Rachel,
charming, even when provoking, knew how to manage her adopted mother.
There were whispered discussions between them, of which I, lying with
closed eyes, was supposed to know nothing, and then Rachel would steal
her graceful arm round Mrs. Hill's portly waist, and kiss her, and put
her out of the room. Mrs. Hill was very good to me, and scrupulously
left her poodle dog on the mat outside the door when she came to visit
me; but her vocation was not for waiting in sick-rooms.
Rachel, soft-voiced, light-footed as a sister of mercy, moved about in
her pale gray woollen gown, with a few snowdrops in her breast, her face
more thoughtful and sad, yet sweeter than I had ever seen it. She had a
work-basket beside her, and a book, while she sat by the head of my bed,
but I saw that she occupied herself only with her thoughts, sitting with
her hands laced loosely together in her lap, gazing across the room
through a distant window at the ragged scratchy outlines of the bare
brown wood that hid the chimneys of the farm from the view of the
inmates of the Hall.
It needed no witchcraft to divine her thoughts. She was thinking of John
at the farm, and possibly of all that had passed there between him and
me. It saddened her, but I thought she must be very secure in her faith,
for there was no angry disturbance in her anxious eyes, no bitterness of
jealousy about her soft sweet lips. I read her behaviour all through
like a printed legend; her faithful kindness, her tender care, her
thoughtful regret. She was feeling in her woman's heart the inevitable
wrong she was about to do me, measuring my love by the strength and
endurance of her own, and pitying me with a pity which was great in
proportion to the happiness which was to be her own lot for life.
Everywhere she moved I followed her with John's eyes, it seemed, seeing
new beauties in her, feeling how he must love her. In my weak desolation
I wished to die, that I might slip quietly out of the hold of my kind
enemy, leaving vacant for her the place from which she was going to
thrust me with her strong gentle hands. But under her care I recovered
quickly.
Never had there been such a nurse, such a petting, fondling, bewitching
guardian of an ill-humoured, nervous, thankless patient. How lovingly
she tucked me up on the couch by the fireside; how unweariedly she
sought to amuse me with her sprightly wit; how nimbly her feet went and
came; how deftly and readily her hands ministered; I could never tell
you half of it, my dears! If her face fell into anxious lines while my
eyes were closed, no sooner did I seem to wake to consciousness again
than the sunshine and the archness beamed out. Once or twice it smote me
that she wondered at my petulance and gloom--wondered, not knowing that
my time had already come, that the burden of the sorrow she had brought
me was already upon my shoulders. "Are you in pain, dear?" she would
ask, perplexed. "I am afraid you are worse than we think;" and I would
answer coldly, "Thank you; I suffer a little, but it will pass away. It
is only weakness. Pray, do not trouble yourself so much about me."
My only excuse was that my heart was breaking; but this I could not
explain. And still she was faithful and winning, would not take offence,
and would not be repelled. It was hard work trying to hate her, and I
gave it up at last. One time when her hand hovered by me I caught it
going past, kissed it, and burst into tears. "Forgive me," I said; "you
are an angel, and I--" I felt that I had been something very evil in the
past few days. "My poor little nervous darling!" she said, down on her
knees, with her arms about me, "what shall we do to make you strong?"
"Little" she called me, though I was as tall as she. I acknowledged her
superior greatness for compelling love, and letting the bitterness roll
out of my heart for the time, like a huge load, I laid my head upon her
shoulder for a long miserable cry. Desperately I invented excuses for my
tears, but I shed them, and they did me good. After that I no longer
struggled against the spell of her attraction. I loved her even out of
the depths of the misery she had caused.
She saw that I was growing to love her, and she was glad, and I winced
at her delight. She was thinking that by and by, when I should have "got
over it," she and I would be friends. I smarted silently, and smiled. I
would not be a weeping, deserted damsel. I would try to be strong and
generous, and keep my sorrow to myself.
During this illness of mine, which lasted about a week, John came often
to the Hall to inquire for me. Good little Mrs. Hill would come into the
room smiling, and say, "Rachel, you must go down to Mr. Hollingford. He
wants to hear from your own lips about your patient." And she would sit
with me, talking about her dogs and the county families, till Rachel's
return, who always brought me kind messages, and seemed anxious to
deliver them faithfully. I thought she always came back with signs of
disturbance in her face, either very pale, or with a heightened colour.
Once I thought she looked as if she had been crying; she pulled down the
blinds immediately on entering the room, and sat with her back to the
light.
"Margery," said she by and by, "Mrs. Hollingford is coming to see you
to-morrow."
"Is she?" said I, with a great pang at my heart.
I could not say "I am glad," for the dear old lady's true face rose up
before me, a treasure I had lost, and I lay back among my cushions, and
thought it would be well if I could die.
The next morning Rachel was restless and absent. Early in the day she
left me suddenly, and came back dressed in her riding-habit.
"I am going for a ride, dear," she said hurriedly. "I am not very well;
I need fresh air. You can do without me for a few hours, I daresay."
Something in her manner made me wonder. I heard the mustering of horses
on the gravel, and dragged myself to the window to see if John
Hollingford were of the party. But he was not there. Lying on my sofa
afterwards I remembered Mrs. Hollingford's expected visit, and felt sure
that Rachel had gone away to avoid her. I remembered that they had never
yet met, and I easily saw a reason for Rachel's fearing her eyes at
present. In the midst of these reflections came my dear second mother.
Mrs. Hill brought her to me. The contrast between the two was striking.
Mrs. Hill was short, fat, and plain, and had narrowly escaped from
nature's hands without the stamp of a vulgar little woman. Mrs.
Hollingford was tall and slender, with a worn noble face, and, in spite
of all circumstances, looked the ideal of an ancient "high-born ladye."
When I looked at her, I felt that it would be impossible for me to go
back to the farm. I thought that when we found ourselves alone I would
tell her what I had learned, and beg of her to permit me to go straight
from the Hall to London, whence I could write a letter of release to
John. But Mrs. Hill stayed with us some time, and in the meantime my
courage oozed away. When I found myself face to face with her, and no
one else there, I could not say a word of my confession. I realised what
would be her dismay, her indignation, and worst of all, I feared her
incredulity. She would assuredly speak to John when she went home, and
all my pride revolted at the thought. So I let the opportunity go by.
I told her of Miss Leonard's kindness. She had been a little hurt, I
think, at the young lady's absence, but she was never used to look for
slights, and my testimony cleared away all shadow of offence. Afterwards
I found that the girls at home were indignant at Miss Leonard's hauteur.
They had expected something different. She had disappointed them. Mrs.
Hill was courteous, Mr. Hill was kind, but Miss Leonard ignored the dear
old mother altogether.
"'Tis always the way with upstarts," said Jane; and the foolish little
hearts were up in arms.
"Tell me, my darling," said Mrs. Hollingford, with her arm round my
neck, "is there anything amiss between you and John?"
"What could there be amiss?" I said, kissing her hand, and avoiding her
eyes. "I have not seen him since the day I came here. He has called to
inquire for me constantly."
"I thought of it before you left us," she said sadly, "and I fear it
more every day. He is--you are both strangely altered. Margery, don't
jilt my son. He is not as fine a gentleman as others you may see, but
you will never meet his like."
I turned my head away, and said nothing. What was there that I could
say? My heart was big with much that I could not tell, and I was silent.
And so the occasion passed away. Mrs. Hollingford went home with a
bitter doubt in her heart; and the doubt was all of me.
After she had gone, Mrs. Hill came and sat with me, and tried to amuse
me. She was a good little woman, but her gossip was tiresome, and her
anecdotes worldly. I was glad when her duty to her other guests carried
her away. You will find it hard, my dears, to understand from my account
of this time that I was staying at a pleasant country-house full of
merry-making people. But the people were only shadows to me, and the
time a puzzle. What was not real to me then, I cannot make real to you
now.
The afternoon was wet and windy, and the riding-party returned early,
all but Rachel and another lady and gentleman. These came home later. I
was sitting in my room, in the firelight, alone, when Rachel came to me,
laughing, in her wet riding-habit, saying she had had enough of the
weather.
I said, "Yes, it is a pity you went."
"No, not a pity," she said. Then, "Has not Mrs. Hollingford been here?"
"Yes," I said.
"Here, in this room, with you?"
"There, in that chair, by your side."
She turned and looked at the chair with a strange look, which was
wonderful to see, but quite indescribable. She drew it to the hearth,
and sat down in it, throwing back her wet skirts and leaning towards the
fire. Then I saw that she looked pale and worn, as if her riding had not
done her much good.
"Do you not love her, this Mrs. Hollingford?" she said, presently.
"Dearly," I said.
"Will you describe her to me?" said Rachel.
"She is tall and handsome," I began.
"Yes," put in Rachel, "I have heard so."
"There is something grand about her, though she dresses as gravely and
poorly as a nun. Her face is sweet and sad, and can be stern. Her hair
is silver gray--"
"No," said Rachel hurriedly, "brown. I heard that it was a beautiful
chestnut-brown."
"It is nearly white now," said I.
Rachel did not speak again for some minutes. Looking at her presently, I
was surprised to see her face quivering, and great shining tears
following one another swiftly and silently into her lap.
"Do not mind me," she said. "I went to see a poor girl on the estate,
who is dying. Her mother was sitting at the head of her bed. She told me
the girl had never vexed her in her life."
"And has that made you sad?" asked I, thinking the girl was to be
envied.
"Very sad," said Rachel; "sadder than I could tell."
We were silent awhile, and then said Rachel:
"It must have made her grow old before her time, that trouble."
"Do you mean Mrs. Hollingford?" said I.
"Yes," said Rachel. "The grief, and the shame, and the blight."
"There should be no shame, no blight for the innocent," I said.
"The world does not think so," said Rachel, with a stern cloud on her
face.
"The world!" I said contemptuously.
She lifted her eyes from the fire to my face. "Yes, I know you are a
brave independent little soul," she said. "Will you answer me one thing
truly? Did you not feel even a shadow of shrinking or regret when you
promised to marry John Hollingford?"
"Not a shadow," I said bitterly. "I accepted him for what I believed him
to be, not for what the world might think of him."
"I wish God had made me like you," she said solemnly; and then got up,
with a wild sad look in her face, and left me without another word,
forgetting to lift up her wet trailing habit, which she dragged along
the ground as she went.
After she had gone I sat there, angry, amazed, and sick at heart. I
thought she had well said to John, "I am weak and selfish." I had never
told her of my engagement, and she had talked to me of it unblushingly.
Thinking of her own sacrifice, she had forgotten my wrong and pain. I
had seen into the working of her thoughts. She could love John and
injure me, but she could not be content without the approval of the
world. The young farmer was worthy of love, but he was not rich enough,
nor grand enough, nor was his soiled name fitted for the spoilt child of
wealth. She could steal away my treasure without enriching
herself--could destroy the peace of two minds, without creating any
contentment for herself out of the wreck. "Poor John!" I thought, "your
chances of happiness are no better than my own, even though you have
paid a dishonourable price for them." And I hated her after that.