(i) 1. _O Lord, I am Thy servant; I am Thy servant, and the son of Thy
handmaid: Thou hast broken my bonds in sunder. I will offer to Thee the
sacrifice of praise._...
(v) 13. The vintage-vacation ended, I gave notice to the Milanese to
provide their scholars with another master to sell words to them; for
that I had both made choice to serve Thee, and through my difficulty of
breathing and pain in my chest, was not equal to the Professorship. And
by letters I signified to Thy Prelate, the holy man Ambrose, my former
errors and present desires, begging his advice what of Thy Scriptures I
had best read, to become readier and fitter for receiving so great
grace. He recommended Isaiah the Prophet: I believe, because he above
the rest is a more clear foreshower of the Gospel and of the calling of
the Gentiles. But I, not understanding the first lesson in him, and
imagining the whole to be like it, laid it by, to be resumed when better
practised in our Lord’s own words.
(vi) 14. Thence, when the time was come, wherein I was to give in my
name,[4] we left the country and returned to Milan.... and we were
baptized, and anxiety for our past life vanished from us. Nor was I
sated in those days with the wondrous sweetness of considering the depth
of Thy counsels concerning the salvation of mankind. How did I weep, in
Thy Hymns and Canticles, touched to the quick by the voices of Thy
sweet-attuned Church! The voices flowed into mine ears, and the Truth
distilled into my heart, whence the affections of my devotion
overflowed, and tears ran down, and happy was I therein.
(viii) 17. ... We sought where we might serve Thee most usefully, and
were returned to Africa: whitherward being as far as Ostia, my mother
departed this life. Much I omit, as hastening much. Receive my
confessions and thanksgivings, O my God, for innumerable things whereof
I am silent. But I will not omit whatsoever my soul would bring forth
concerning that Thy handmaid, who brought me forth, both in the flesh,
that I might be born to this temporal light, and in heart, that I might
be born to light eternal. Not her gifts, but Thine in her, would I speak
of; for neither did she make nor educate herself. Thou createdst her;
nor did her father and mother know what a one should come from them. And
the scepter of Thy Christ, the discipline of Thine only Son, in a
Christian house, a good member of Thy Church, educated her in Thy fear.
(ix) 19. Brought up modestly and soberly, and made subject rather by
Thee to her parents, than by her parents to Thee, so soon as she was of
marriageable age, being bestowed upon a husband, she served him as her
lord; and did her diligence to win him unto Thee, preaching Thee unto
him by her conversation; by which Thou ornamentedst her, making her
reverently amiable, and admirable unto her husband....
21. This great gift also Thou bestowedst, O my God, my mercy, upon that
good handmaid of Thine, in whose womb Thou createdst me, that between
any disagreeing and discordant parties where she was able, she showed
herself such a peacemaker, that hearing on both sides most bitter things
when the crudities of enmities are breathed out in sour discourses to a
present friend against an absent enemy, she never would disclose aught
of the one unto the other, but what might tend to their reconcilement. A
small good this might appear to me, did I not to my grief know
numberless persons who, through some horrible and widespreading
contagion of sin, not only disclose to persons mutually angered things
said in anger, but add withal things never spoken, whereas to humane
humanity it ought to seem a light thing, not to foment or increase ill
will by ill words, unless one study withal by good words to quench it.
Such was she, Thyself, her most inward Instructor, teaching her in the
school of the heart.
22. Finally, her own husband, towards the very end of his earthly life,
did she gain unto Thee; nor had she to complain of that in him as a
believer, which before he was a believer she had borne from him.... For
she had been _the wife of one man_, had _requited her parents, had
governed her house_ piously, _was well reported of for good works, had
brought up children_, so often _travailing in birth of them_, as she saw
them swerving from Thee. Lastly, of all of us Thy servants, O Lord,
(whom on occasion of Thy own gift Thou sufferest to speak,) us, who
before her sleeping in Thee lived united together, having received the
grace of Thy baptism, did she so take care of, as though she had been
mother of us all; so served us, as though she had been child to us all.
(x) 23. The day now approaching whereon she was to depart this life,
(which day Thou well knewest, we knew not,) it came to pass, Thyself, as
I believe, by Thy secret ways so ordering it, that she and I stood
alone; leaning in a certain window, which looked into the garden of the
house where we now lay, at Ostia; where removed from the din of men, we
were recruiting from the fatigues of a long journey, for the voyage. We
were discoursing then together, alone, very sweetly; and _forgetting
those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things
which are before_, we were inquiring between ourselves in the presence
of the Truth, which Thou art, of what sort the eternal life of the
saints was to be, _which eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, nor hath it
entered into the heart of man_. But yet we gasped with the mouth of our
heart, after those heavenly streams of Thy fountain, _the fountain of
life_, which is _with Thee_; that being bedewed thence according to our
capacity, we might in some sort meditate upon so high a mystery.
24. And when our discourse was brought to that point, that the very
highest delight of the earthly senses, in the very purest material
light, was, in respect of the sweetness of that life, not only not
worthy of comparison, but not even of mention; we raising up ourselves
with a more glowing affection towards the “Self-same,” did by degrees
pass through all things bodily, even the very heaven, when sun and moon,
and stars shine upon the earth; yea, we were soaring higher yet, by
inward musing, and discourse, and admiring of Thy works; and we came to
our own minds, and went beyond them, that we might arrive at that region
of never-failing plenty, where _Thou feedest Israel_ forever with the
food of truth, and where life is the _Wisdom by whom all_ these _things
are made_, and what have been, and what shall be, and she is not made,
but is, as she hath been, and so shall she be ever; yea rather, to “have
been,” and “hereafter to be,” are not in her, but only “to be,” seeing
she is eternal. For to “have been,” and “to be hereafter,” are not
eternal. And while we were discoursing and panting after her, we
slightly touched on her with the whole effort of our heart; and we
sighed, and there we leave bound _the first fruits of the Spirit_; and
returned to vocal expressions of our mouth, where the word spoken was
beginning and end. And what is like unto Thy Word, our Lord, who
_endureth in Himself_ without becoming old, and _maketh all things new_?
25. We were saying then: If to any the tumult of the flesh were hushed,
hushed the images of earth, and waters, and air, hushed also the poles
of heaven, yea the very soul be hushed to herself, and by not thinking
on self surmount self, hushed all dreams and imaginary revelations,
every tongue and every sign, and whatsoever exists only in transition,
since if any could hear, all these say, _We made not ourselves, but He
made us that abideth forever_—If then having uttered this, they too
should be hushed, having roused only our ears to Him who made them, and
He alone speak, not by them, but by Himself, that we may hear His Word,
not through any tongue of flesh, nor Angel’s voice, nor sound of
thunder, nor in the dark riddle of similitude, but, might hear Whom in
these things we love, might hear His Very Self without these, (as we two
now strained ourselves, and in swift thought touched on that Eternal
Wisdom, which abideth over all;)—could this be continued on; and other
visions of kind far unlike be withdrawn, and this one ravish, and
absorb, and wrap up its beholder amid these inward joys, so that life
might be forever like that one moment of understanding which now we
sighed after; were not this, _Enter into thy Master’s joy_? And when
shall that be? When _we shall all rise again_, though we _shall not all
be changed_?
26. Such things was I speaking, and even if not in this very manner, and
these same words, yet, Lord, Thou knowest, that in that day when we were
speaking of these things, and this world with all its delights became,
as we spake, contemptible to us, my mother said, “Son, for mine own part
I have no further delight in anything in this life. What I do here any
longer, and to what end I am here, I know not, now that my hopes in this
world are accomplished. One thing there was for which I desired to
linger for a while in this life, that I might see thee a Catholic
Christian before I died. My God hath done this for me more abundantly,
that I should now see thee withal, despising earthly happiness, become
His servant: what do I here?”
(xi) 27. What answer I made her unto these things, I remember not. For
scarce five days after, or not much more, she fell sick of a fever; and
in that sickness one day she fell into a swoon, and was for a while
withdrawn from these visible things. We hastened round her; but she was
soon brought back to her senses; and looking on me and my brother
standing by her, said to us inquiringly, “Where was I?” And then looking
fixedly on us, with grief amazed; “Here,” saith she, “shall you bury
your mother.” I held my peace and refrained weeping; but my brother
spake something, wishing for her, as the happier lot, that she might
die, not in a strange place, but in her own land. Whereat, she with
anxious look, checking him with her eyes, for that he still _savored
such things_, and then looking upon me; “Behold,” saith she, “what he
saith:” and soon after to us both, “Lay,” she saith, “this body
anywhere; let not the care for that any way disquiet you: this only I
request, that you would remember me at the Lord’s altar, wherever you
be.” And having delivered this sentiment in what words she could, she
held her peace, being exercised by her growing sickness.
28. But I, considering Thy gifts, Thou unseen God, which Thou instillest
into the hearts of Thy faithful ones, whence wondrous fruits do spring,
did rejoice and give thanks to Thee, recalling what I before knew, how
careful and anxious she had ever been, as to her place of burial, which
she had provided and prepared for herself by the body of her husband.
For because they had lived in great harmony together, she also wished
(so little can the human mind embrace things divine) to have this
addition to that happiness, and to have it remembered among men, that
after her pilgrimage beyond the seas, what was earthly of this united
pair had been permitted to be united beneath the same earth. But when
this emptiness had through the fullness of Thy goodness begun to cease
in her heart, I knew not, and rejoiced admiring what she had so
disclosed to me; though indeed in that our discourse also in the window,
when she said, “What do I here any longer?” there appeared no desire of
dying in her own country. I heard afterwards also, that when we were now
at Ostia, she with a mother’s confidence, when I was absent, one day
discoursed with certain of my friends about the contempt of this life,
and the blessing of death: and when they were amazed at such courage
which Thou hadst given to a woman, and asked, “Whether she were not
afraid to leave her body so far from her own city?” she replied,
“Nothing is far to God; nor was it to be feared lest at the end of the
world, He should not recognize whence He were to raise me up.” On the
ninth day then of her sickness, and the fifty-sixth year of her age, and
the three and thirtieth of mine, was that religious and holy soul freed
from the body.
(xii) 29. I closed her eyes; and there flowed withal a mighty sorrow
into my heart; which was overflowing into tears; mine eyes at the same
time, by the violent command of my mind, drank up their fountain wholly
dry; and woe was me in such a strife! But when she breathed her last, a
boy burst out into a loud lament; then, checked by us all, held his
peace. In like manner also a childish feeling in me, which was, through
my heart’s youthful voice, finding its vent in weeping, was checked and
silenced. For we thought it not fitting to solemnize that funeral with
tearful lament, and groanings: for thereby do they for the most part
express grief for the departed, as though unhappy, or altogether dead;
whereas she was neither unhappy in her death, nor altogether dead. Of
this we were assured on good grounds, the testimony of her good
conversation and her _faith unfeigned_.
30. What then was it which did grievously pain me within, but a fresh
wound wrought through the sudden wrench of that most sweet and dear
custom of living together? I joyed indeed in her testimony, when, in
that her last sickness, mingling her endearments with my acts of duty,
she called me “dutiful,” and mentioned, with great affection of love,
that she never had heard any harsh or reproachful sound uttered by my
mouth against her. But yet, O my God, Who madest us, what comparison is
there betwixt that honor that I paid to her, and her slavery for me?
Being then forsaken of so great comfort in her, my soul was wounded, and
that life rent asunder as it were, which, of hers and mine together, had
been made but one.
31. The boy then being stifled from weeping, Euodius took up the
Psalter, and began to sing, our whole house answering him, the Psalm, _I
will sing of mercy and judgment to Thee, O Lord_. But hearing what we
were doing, many brethren and religious women came together; and whilst
they (whose office it was) made ready for the burial, as the manner is,
I (in a part of the house where I might properly), together with those
who thought not fit to leave me, discoursed upon something fitting the
time; and by this balm of truth assuaged that torment, known to Thee,
they unknowing and listening intently, and conceiving me to be without
all sense of sorrow. But in Thy ears, where none of them heard, I blamed
the weakness of my feelings, and refrained my flood of grief, which gave
way a little unto me; but again came, as with a tide, yet not so as to
burst out into tears, nor to a change of countenance; still I knew what
I was keeping down in my heart. And being very much displeased that
these human things had such power over me, which in the due order and
appointment of our natural condition must needs come to pass, with a new
grief I grieved for my grief, and was thus worn by a double sorrow.
32. And behold, the corpse was carried to the burial; we went and
returned without tears. For neither in those prayers which we poured
forth unto Thee, when the sacrifice of our ransom was offered for her,
when now the corpse was by the grave’s side, as the manner there is,
previous to its being laid therein, did I weep even during those
prayers; yet was I the whole day in secret heavily sad, and with
troubled mind prayed Thee, as I could, to heal my sorrow, yet Thou didst
not; impressing, I believe, upon my memory by this one instance, how
strong is the bond of all habit, even upon a soul which now feeds upon
no deceiving Word. It seemed also good to me to go and bathe, having
heard that the bath had its name from the Greek word implying a driving
of sadness from the mind. And this also I confess unto Thy mercy,
_Father of the fatherless_, that I bathe, and was the same as before I
bathed. For the bitterness of sorrow could not exude out of my heart.
Then I slept, and woke up again, and found my grief not a little
softened; and as I was alone in my bed, I remembered those true verses
of Thy Ambrose. For Thou art the
Maker of all, the Lord,
And Ruler of the height,
Who, robing day in light, hast poured
Soft slumbers o’er the night,
That to our limbs the power
Of toil may be renew’d,
And hearts be rais’d that sink and cower,
And sorrows be subdu’d.
33. And then by little and little I recovered my former thoughts of Thy
handmaid, her holy conversation towards Thee, her holy tenderness and
observance toward us, whereof I was suddenly deprived: and I was minded
to weep in Thy sight, for her and for myself, in her behalf and in my
own. And I gave way to the tears which I before restrained, to overflow
as much as they desired; reposing my heart upon them; and it found rest
in them, for it was in Thy ears, not in those of man, who would have
scornfully interpreted my weeping. And now, Lord, in writing I confess
it unto Thee. Read it, who will, and interpret it, how he will: and if
he finds sin therein, that I wept my mother for a small portion of an
hour, (the mother who for the time was dead to mine eyes, who had for
many years wept for me, that I might live in Thine eyes,) let him not
deride me; but rather, if he be one of large charity, let him weep
himself for my sins unto Thee, the Father of all the brethren of Thy
Christ.
(xiii) 37. May she rest then in peace with the husband, before and after
whom she had never any; whom she obeyed, _with patience bringing forth
fruit_ unto Thee, that she might win him also unto Thee. And inspire, O
Lord my God, inspire Thy servants my brethren, Thy sons my masters, whom
with voice, and heart, and pen I serve, that so many as shall read these
Confessions may at Thy Altar remember Monnica Thy handmaid, with
Patricius, her sometimes husband, by whose bodies Thou broughtest me
into this life, how, I know not. May they with devout affection remember
my parents in this transitory light, my brethren under Thee our Father
in our Catholic Mother, and my fellow citizens in that eternal
Jerusalem, which Thy pilgrim people sigheth after from their Exodus,
even unto their return thither. That so my mother’s last request of me
may, through my confessions, more than through my prayers, be, through
the prayers of many, more abundantly fulfilled to her.
Footnote 4:
To be baptized at Easter, they handed in their names before the second
Sunday in Lent.