(Augustine’s thirty-second year.)
(i) 1. O my God, let me, with thanksgiving, remember, and confess unto
Thee Thy mercies on me.... I had ceased to doubt that there was an
incorruptible substance, whence was all other substance; nor did I now
desire to be more certain of Thee, but more steadfast in Thee. But for
my temporal life, all was wavering, and _my heart had to be purged from
the old leaven. The Way_, the Savior Himself, well pleased me, but as
yet I shrunk from going, through its straitness....
(The story of the conversion of one Victorinus influences him strongly,
and he “longs to devote himself entirely to God, but is mastered by his
old habits.”)
(iii) 6. Good God! what takes place in man, that he should more rejoice
at the salvation of a soul despaired of, and freed from greater peril,
than if there had always been hope of him, or the danger had been less?
For so Thou also, merciful Father, _dost more rejoice over one penitent,
than over ninety-nine just persons, that need no repentance_. And with
much joyfulness do we hear, so often as we hear with what joy _the sheep
which had strayed is brought back upon the shepherd’s shoulder_, ... and
the joy of the solemn service of Thy house forceth to tears, when in Thy
house it is read of Thy _younger son, that he was dead, and lived again;
had been lost, and is found_....
(iv) 9. Up, Lord, and do; stir us up, and recall us; kindle and draw us;
inflame, grow sweet unto us; let us now love, _let us run_. Do not many,
out of a deeper hell of blindness than Victorinus, return to Thee,
approach, and are enlightened, receiving that _Light_, which _they who
receive, receive power from Thee to become Thy sons_?...
(v) 10. ... I was bound, not with another’s irons, but by my own iron
will. My will the enemy held, and thence had made a chain for me, and
bound me. For of a froward will was a lust made; and a lust served,
became custom; and custom not resisted became necessity. By which links,
as it were, joined together (whence I called it a chain) a hard bondage
held me enthralled. But that new will which had begun to be in me,
freely to serve Thee, and to wish to enjoy Thee, O God, the only assured
pleasantness, was not yet able to overcome my former wilfulness,
strengthened by age. Thus did my two wills, one new, and the other old,
one carnal, the other spiritual, struggle within me; and by their
discord, undid my soul.
11. Thus I understood, by my own experience, what I had read, how _the
flesh lusteth against the spirit and the spirit against the flesh_....
I, still under service to the earth, refused to fight under Thy banner,
and feared as much to be freed of all incumbrances, as we should fear to
be encumbered with it. Thus with the baggage of this present world was I
held down pleasantly, as in sleep: and the thoughts wherein I meditated
on Thee were like the efforts of such as would awake, who yet overcome
with a heavy drowsiness are again drenched therein. And as no one would
sleep forever, and in all men’s sober judgment, waking is better, yet a
man for the most part, feeling a heavy lethargy in all his limbs, defers
to shake off sleep, and, though half displeased, yet, even after it is
time to rise, with pleasure yields to it, so was I assured that much
better were it for me to give myself up to Thy charity, than to give
myself over to mine own cupidity; but though the former course satisfied
me and gained the mastery, the latter pleased me and held me
mastered.... _Who then should deliver me thus wretched from the body of
this death, but Thy grace only, through Jesus Christ our Lord?_
(Alypius and Nebridius, friends of Augustine, are now with him at Milan.
Alypius and another friend relate of Antony, the Egyptian monk, and of
how two courtiers were converted by his influence. This rouses Augustine
and stirs him deeply.)
(vii) 16. Thou, O Lord, didst turn me round towards myself, taking me
from behind my back, where I had placed me, unwilling to observe myself;
and setting me before my face, that I might see how foul I was, how
crooked and defiled, bespotted and ulcerous. And I beheld and stood
aghast; and whither to flee from myself I found not. And if I sought to
turn mine eye from off myself, Thou again didst set me over against
myself, and thrustedst me before my eyes, that _I might find out mine
iniquity, and hate it_. I had known it, but made as though I saw it not,
winked at it, and forgot it.
18. ... What said I not against myself? with what scourges of
condemnation lashed I not my soul, that it might follow me, striving to
go after Thee! Yet it drew back; refused, but excused not itself. All
arguments were spent and confuted; there remained a mute shrinking; and
she feared, as she would death, to be restrained from the flux of that
custom whereby she was wasting to death.
(viii) 19. ... A little garden there was to our lodging, which we had
the use of, as of the whole house; for the master of the house, our
host, was not living there. Thither had the tumult of my breast hurried
me, where no man might hinder the hot contention wherein I had engaged
with myself, until it should end as Thou knewest, I knew not. Only I was
healthfully distracted and drying, to live; knowing what evil thing I
was, and not knowing what good thing I was shortly to become....
(Alypius, as his intimate friend, goes with him into the garden;
otherwise he is quite alone.)
(xi) 25. Soul-sick was I, and tormented, accusing myself much more
severely than my wont, rolling and turning me in my chain, till that
were wholly broken, whereby I now was but just, but still was, held. And
Thou, O Lord, pressedst upon me in my inward parts by a severe mercy,
redoubling the lashes of fear and shame, lest I should again give way,
and not bursting that same slight remaining tie, it should recover
strength, and bind me the faster. For I said within myself, “Be it done
now, be it done now.” And as I spake, I all but enacted it. I all but
did it, and did it not: yet sunk not back to my former state, but kept
my stand hard by, and took breath. And I essayed again, and wanted
somewhat less of it, and somewhat less, and all but touched and laid
hold of it; and yet came not at it, nor touched, nor laid hold of it;
hesitating to die to death and to live to life: and the worse whereto I
was inured, prevailed more with me than the better, whereto I was
unused: and the very moment wherein I was to become other than I was,
the nearer it approached me, the greater horror did it strike into me;
yet did it not strike me back, nor turned me away, but held me in
suspense.
(xii) 28. When a deep consideration had from the secret bottom of my
soul drawn together and heaped up all my misery in the sight of my
heart; there arose a mighty storm, bringing a mighty shower of tears.
Which that I might pour forth wholly, in its natural expressions, I rose
from Alypius: solitude was suggested to me as fitter for the business of
weeping; so I retired so far that even his presence could not be a
burthen to me. Thus was it then, with me, and he perceived something of
it; for something I suppose I had spoken, wherein the tones of my voice
appeared choked with weeping, and so had risen up. He then remained
where we were sitting, most extremely astonished. I cast myself down I
know not how, under a certain fig-tree, giving full vent to my tears;
and the floods of mine eyes gushed out, an _acceptable sacrifice to
Thee_. And, not indeed in these words, yet to this purpose, spake I much
unto Thee: _And Thou, O Lord, how long? how long, Lord, wilt Thou be
angry, forever? Remember not our former iniquities_, for I felt that I
was held by them. I sent up these sorrowful words: How long? how long,
“tomorrow, and tomorrow?” Why not now? why not is there this hour an end
to my uncleanness.
29. So was I speaking, and weeping in the most bitter contrition of my
heart, when, lo! I heard from a neighboring house a voice, as of boy or
girl, I know not, chanting, and oft repeating, “Take up and read; Take
up and read.” Instantly, my countenance altered, I began to think most
intently, whether children were wont in any kind of play to sing such
words: nor could I remember ever to have heard the like. So checking the
torrent of my tears, I arose; interpreting it to be no other than a
command from God, to open the book, and read the first chapter I should
find. For I had heard of Antony, that coming in during the reading of
the Gospel, he received the admonition as if what was being read was
spoken to him; _Go, sell all that thou hast, and give to the poor, and
thou shalt have treasure in heaven, and come and follow me_. And by such
oracle he was forthwith converted unto Thee. Eagerly then I returned to
the place where Alypius was sitting; for there had I laid the volume of
the Apostle, when I arose thence. I seized, opened, and in silence read
that section, on which my eyes first fell: _Not in rioting and
drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and
envying: but put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for
the flesh_,[3] in concupiscence. No further would I read; nor need I:
for instantly at the end of this sentence, by a light as it were of
serenity infused into my heart, all the darkness of doubt vanished away.
30. Then putting my finger between, or some other mark, I shut the
volume, and with a calmed countenance made it known to Alypius. And what
was wrought in him, which I knew not, he thus showed me. He asked to see
what I had read: I showed him; and he looked even further than I had
read, and I knew not what followed. This followed, _him that is weak in
the faith, receive_; which he applied to himself, and disclosed to me.
And by this admonition was he strengthened; and by a good resolution and
purpose, and most corresponding to his character, wherein he did always
very far differ from me, for the better, without any turbulent delay he
joined me. Thence we go into my mother; we tell her; she rejoiceth: we
relate in order how it took place; she leaps for joy, and triumpheth,
and blesseth Thee, _Who art able to do above that which we ask or
think_; for she perceived that Thou hadst given her more for me, than
she was wont to beg by her pitiful and most sorrowful groanings. For
Thou convertedst me unto Thyself, so that I sought neither wife, nor any
hope of this world, standing in that rule of faith where Thou hadst
showed me unto her in a vision, so many years before. And Thou didst
_convert her mourning into joy_, much more plentiful than she had
desired, and in a much more precious and purer way than she erst
required, by having grandchildren of my body.
Footnote 3:
Romans xiii, 13-14.