Some of the Mixed Metaphors Perpetrated in the English House of Commons
Have Afforded Amusement for the Entire World.
For many years there has been an impression that the linguistic bull is a
distinctively Irish animal. The fame of Paddy Bull is world-wide, but the
fact is he often is compelled to answer for the sins of his neighbor,
Johnnie Bull, who, as a perpetrator of mixed metaphors, is without a peer.
In no deliberative body in the world is the mixed metaphor so much in its
element as in the British House of Commons. As examples of its activity in
that institution, London _Tit-Bits_ submits the following list:
"Sir, we are told that by this legislation the heart of the
country has been shaken to its very foundations."
"Among the many jarring notes heard in this House on
military affairs, this subject at least must be regarded as
an oasis."
"The interests of the employers and employed are the same
nine times out of ten--I will even say ninety-nine times out
of ten."
"Our tongues are tied, our hands are fettered, and we are
really beating the air to no purpose."
"I will now repeat what I was about to say when the
honorable member interrupted me."
"The West Indies will now have a future which they never had
in the past."
"A thorny subject which has long been a bone of contention
among us."
"A slumbering volcano which at any moment a spark might set
aflame."
"The honorable member would denude us of every rag of the
principles which we have proclaimed from the housetops."
"Ah! The honorable member opposite shakes his head at that.
But he can't shake mine!"
A well-known member of Parliament informed the House that an
"oral agreement is not worth the paper it is written on."
Barristers are usually credited with possessing accuracy of
speech, but some expressions recently reported indicate that
they are capable of a blundering use of words. A member of
the bar, in his opening speech for the defense, said:
"Gentlemen of the jury, the case for the crown is a mere
skeleton, for, as I shall presently show you, it has neither
flesh, blood, nor bones in it."
But a Leeds barrister outdid his competitors when he said
fervidly:
"Gentlemen of the jury, it will be for you to say whether
this defendant shall be allowed to come into court with
unblushing footsteps, with the cloak of hypocrisy in his
mouth, and take three bullocks out of my client's pocket
with impunity."
In his "One Thousand and One Anecdotes" Alfred H. Miles records some
exceptionally amusing bulls. Among these are the following:
Sir Boyle Roche described himself on one occasion as
"standing prostrate at the feet of royalty"; and, in the
days of threatened rebellion, wrote to a friend: "You may
judge of our state when I tell you that I write this with a
sword in one hand and a pistol in the other."
Even worse than the foregoing was the climax of an honorable
member's speech in the House of Commons: "I smell a rat; I
see it floating in the air; and, by heaven, I'll nip it in
the bud!"
A Scotchwoman said that the butcher of her town only killed
half a beast at a time.
A British magistrate, on being told by a vagabond that he
was not married, responded: "That's a good thing for your
wife."
A Portuguese mayor enumerated, among the marks by which the
body of a drowned man might be identified when found, "a
marked impediment in his speech."
A Frenchman, contentedly laying his head upon a large stone
jar for a pillow, said it was not hard because he had
previously stuffed it with hay.
An American lecturer solemnly said one evening: "Parents,
you may have children; or, if not, your daughters may have."
Two Scotchmen were discussing the relative merits of
churchyards and cemeteries when one of them boldly expressed
his aversion to the latter in the remark, "I'd raither no
dee ava than be buried in sic a place"; to which his
companion retorted, "Weel, if I'm spared in life an' health,
I'll gang naewhere else."
The Part of Chance in Progress.
Fortunate Accidents Frequently Have Opened the Way to the Discovery of
Important Truths Before the Searchlights of Science and
Invention Were Brought Into Play.
Nature has her own ways of telling her secrets to man, and the commonest
of those ways is what man chooses to call chance or accident. The words
are convenient names and that is about all we know of the phenomena which
they are used to describe.
Below are given the stories of a number of important discoveries made by
accident. Perhaps it will occur to the reader that none of the discoveries
was really accidental, since in each case it was the witnessing of the
accident by an intelligent human being which aroused in the mind of that
human being the train of thought leading to the discovery. An Australian
black might watch a swaying chandelier for ten years, and he would never
discover the pendulum. As a rule, special knowledge is required to make
"discoveries by accident."
But the apparent working of chance in the incidents told here is obvious:
The power of lenses, as applied to the telescope, was
discovered by a watchmaker's apprentice. While holding
spectacle-glasses between his thumb and finger, he was
startled at the suddenly enlarged appearance of a
neighboring church spire.
The art of etching upon glass was discovered by a Nuremberg
glass-cutter. By accident a few drops of aqua fortis fell
upon his spectacles. He noticed that the glass became
corroded and softened where the acid had touched it. That
was hint enough. He drew figures upon glass, with varnish,
applied the corroding fluid, then cut away the glass around
the drawing. When the varnish was removed, the figures
appeared raised upon a dark ground.
The swaying to and fro of a chandelier in the cathedral at
Pisa suggested to Galileo the application of the pendulum.
The art of lithography was perfected through suggestions
made by accident. A poor musician was curious to know
whether music could not be etched upon stone as well as
copper.
After he had prepared his slab, his mother asked him to make
a memorandum of such clothes as she proposed to send away to
be washed. Not having pen, ink, and paper convenient, he
wrote the list on the stone with the etching preparation,
intending to make a copy of it at leisure.
A few days later, when about to clean the stone, he wondered
what effect nitric acid would have upon it. He applied the
acid, and in a few minutes saw the writing standing out in
relief. The next step necessary was simply to ink the stone
and take off an impression.
The composition of which printing-rollers are made was
discovered by a country printer in England. It was the
established custom to ink the type on a printing-press with
a pelt-ball--an ink-soaked roll of sheepskin. Having mislaid
his pelt-ball, the ingenious Englishman inked the type with
a piece of soft glue which had fallen out of the glue-pot.
It was such an excellent substitute that, after mixing
molasses with the glue to give the mass proper consistency,
the old pelt-ball was entirely discarded.
The shop of a London tobacconist, by the name of Lundyfoot,
was destroyed by fire. While he was gazing dolefully into
the smoldering ruins, he noticed that his poorer neighbors
were gathering the snuff from the canisters. He tested the
snuff for himself, and discovered that the fire had largely
improved its pungency and aroma.
It was a hint worth profiting by. He secured another shop,
built a lot of ovens, subjecting the snuff to a heating
process, gave the brand a peculiar name, and in a few years
became rich.
The Origin of Tinted Paper.
The origin of blue tinted paper came about by a mere slip of
the hand.
The wife of William East, an English paper-maker,
accidentally let a blue-bag fall into one of the vats of
pulp. The workmen were astonished when they saw the
peculiar color of the paper, while Mr. East was highly
incensed over what he considered a grave pecuniary loss. His
wife was so much frightened that she did not confess her
agency in the matter.
After storing the damaged paper for four years, Mr. East
sent it to his agent in London, with the instruction to sell
it for what it would bring. The paper was accepted as an
attractive novelty, and was disposed of at quite an advance
over the market price.
Mr. East was astonished at receiving an order for another
large invoice of the paper. He was without the secret, and
found himself in a dilemma. Upon mentioning it to his wife,
she told him about the accident. He kept the secret, and the
demand for the novel tint far exceeded his ability to supply
the article.
A Brighton stationer took a fancy for dressing his show
window with piles of writing-paper, rising gradually from
the largest to the smallest size in use; and to finish his
pyramids off nicely he cut cards to bring them to a point.
Taking these cards for diminutive note-paper, lady customers
were continually wanting some of "that lovely little paper,"
and the stationer found it advantageous to cut paper to the
desired pattern.
As there was no space for addressing the notelets after they
were folded, he, after much thought, invented the envelope,
which he cut by the aid of metal plates made for the
purpose.
The sale increased so rapidly that he was unable to produce
the envelopes fast enough, so he commissioned a dozen houses
to make them for him, and thus set going an important branch
of the manufacturing stationery trade.
Asphalt as a Street Pavement.
All forms of bituminous pavements, whether manufactured from
natural or artificial asphalt, are, in fact, artificial
stone pavements. The industry started with the use of the
natural rock asphalt from the mines in the Val de Travers,
Canton Neuchatel, Switzerland.
The mines were discovered in 1721, but it was in 1849 that
the utility of their product as a road covering was first
noticed. The rock was then being mined for the purpose of
extracting the bitumen contained in it for its use in
medicine and the arts. It is a limestone, impregnated with
bitumen, of which it yields, on analysis, from eight to
fourteen per cent.
It was observed that pieces of rock which fell from a wagon
were crushed by the wheels, and under the combined influence
of the traffic and heat of the sun, a good road surface was
produced.
A macadam road of asphalt rock was then made, which gave
very good results, and finally, in 1854, a portion of the
Rue Bergere was laid in Paris of compressed asphalt on a
concrete foundation. From Paris it extended to London, being
laid on Threadneedle Street in 1869, and Cheapside in 1870.