pleasure in driving, and our horses are at present in the stables of our
_Chateaux-en-Espagne_, and consequently not available this warm evening,
we gather on the porch to be entertained by the learned converse of the
professors, until an approaching storm drives us in-doors. Within the
"shooting box", as the young man who has traveled christens the house,--
thinking that an appropriate title for a domicile where so many members
of the Hunt family are collected,--there is a motley assembly, as they
gather around the sitting room table. There are Portuguese,
Michiganders, Pennites, Illinoisyones, Bangorillas, and other specimens
of natural history such as would have puzzled Agassiz himself; and the
question arises, "What shall we do to amuse ourselves this rainy
evening?" But "Pat", the engineer, oiler of the domestic machinery of
the establishment, and keeper of this menagerie, seems overcome with
fatigue; the Astronomer is eclipsed in a corner; the professors are
absorbed in sines and co-sines; the Fisherman nods over his paper;
Grandma knits her brows and the stocking; Elsie is deep in a book; and
no one displays any special interest in the matter until pencils and
paper are distributed for the game of Crambo. The _modus operandi_ of
that most wise and learned game is as follows: Four slips of paper are
given each person, on one of which he is requested to write a question,
and on each of the other scraps a word. These are then shuffled, and all
in turn draw. And now there is great commotion, for each participant is
expected to answer his question in rhyme, and to bring the three words
which he has drawn, into his answer, also. Such a chorus of "Oh dears",
and such dismayed faces! The student proposes to procure the coffee mill
to assist him in grinding out his "pome"; the tennis player wishes she
had a hatchet to chop up a long word which has fallen to her lot, so
that she can put it in proper metre; but Mr. Short (6 ft. 2 in.), with
watch in hand, calls "Time", and then "Silence", as pencils race over
papers as if on a wager. Ten minutes is the brief space allotted for the
production of the wondrous effusions; and when Mr. S. announces, "Time's
up", the hat is again full; and one says, with a sigh of relief, "There,
I never made two lines rhyme in my life before;" another modestly
remarks, "You needn't think we are verdant because we are in Green--"
but the warning finger of the Philosopher is raised, and Pat, the
reader, begins, emphasizing the words drawn as he reads:--
"Why so much quarrelling about Religion!
It's as plain as string _beans_
That from this very means
The world is not right,
If I had but clear sight
I might _hope_ ere this night
Is _beginning_ to wane
The thing to explain.
But, lacking the wit,
I must e'en submit
This doggerel rhyme
And hope 't is in time."
"Oh! oh!" exclaimed the "small specimen" (aged ten), "that's Grandma's;
I heard her say she 'knows beans', 'cause she is a Yankee;" but the S.
S. subsides on hearing the next paper read, and shows so plainly that
she "wishes herself further" that it is not difficult to guess the
author:--
"What's quicker than lightning?
A _Turkey_ or a squirrel
Can 'cut' like a _knife_
But I never saw a creature rash
Like a _deer_ in all my life."
"Good for Ten-year-old!" exclaim the chorus; and the S. S., brightening
up, concludes she'll try it again sometime. Next comes the question:--
"Where do cabbages come from?
My will is good, and I _propose_
To tell you all I can
In this dry time a garden hose
Must come into the plan
First plant the seed, and in due course
Will little shoots appear,
When each from other has _divorce_
They'll flourish, it is clear.
If this rhyme is worth preserving,
With _mucilage_ it may be fixed
On any wall deserving
Such wit and wisdom mixed."
As it is well known that the natives of the Emerald Isle have a
predilection for cabbages, it is unanimously decided that none but Pat
could have perpetrated this; so Pat grins, suggests that a bill poster
be secured at once, and proceeds:--
"How would you like to be a cat?
In _Timbuctoo_ each stern ascetic,
Though blind to folly as a bat,
Revels in love _peripatetic_
Which makes him nimble as a cat
But though I'm fond of such agility,
I better like the busy bees,
For they display so much ability
They 'mind one of the _Portuguese_."
At this implied compliment to his people, the black eyes of the foreign
student flash approval; and the Mathematician speaks up, saying, "That
is the Philosopher, sure, and proves the truth of the saying, 'A little
nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.'" The Philosopher
smiles benignantly, but does not deny the charge; and the reader
continues:--
"What do you think of the Ormthorhynchus?
My brain's in a 'muss'
From thinking of this '_cuss_'
(Excuse me for using such a word).
If it lived at _Nahant_
With this heat it would pant,
For surely't is a curious bird.
You may think me a 'muff',
And declare I talk stuff,
But I hope you'll not doubt my word.
For though out in all weathers
Its coat's not of feathers
But of fur,--at least so I've heard.
But 'by this _illumination_'
(Kant's ratiocination?)
'I don't see it,' though it may seem quite absurd."
The company, strange to say, hit upon Elsie for this, and are evidently
surprised that one so given up to pomps and vanities should display such
knowledge of natural history; but they evidently suspect her of shining
by reflected light, as she sits next to the Philosopher; and I heard
her ask him a question about this animal with the jaw-breaking name. By
this time the party have become so brilliant, having polished each other
up as by diamond cutters' wheels, that it is "moved and seconded" that
we "try again". The laughter has brought down the Chemist from the
laboratory, the Fisherman from his den; besides rousing the Astronomer,
who scintillates in the corner to such a degree that all others expect
to be totally eclipsed. This time the Fisherman, who is also an amateur
gardener and farmer on a small scale, draws an appropriate question, in
regard to which he enlightens us as follows; and what he says must be
true, as we know he has had experience with pigs and hens:--
"Which knows most, a pig or a hen?
'Tis hard to tell in rustic _rhyme_
What pigs or hens may know.
A cabbage-head in olden time
Sure knew enough to grow.
If _Balm_ and corn to them were thrown
By _parsimonious_ Bill
I think the fact would then be shown,
For Piggy'd eat his fill."
Next comes the Chemist with the question:--
"Do you like peanuts?
Peanuts are _double_,
And so is the trouble
Involved in _effort_
To answer it.
Hand over a few,
And see if I do
Not like peanuts
Better than _Sanskrit_"
Any one who had heard the Chemist warbling,--
"He who hath good peanuts and gives his neighbor none,
He sha'n't have any of my peanuts when his peanuts are gone,"
would not have doubted this.
The Philosopher next airs his learning in the following:--
"What do you admire in a fool?
Water has such _combustibility_
That one may rightfully admire
The happy lack of wise ability
Which never rivers sets on fire.
_Truth_ needs no _recapitulation_
To make what's simple plainer still.
Folly courts our admiration
Wherever Fashion has her will."
Part of this is so abstruse that I fear the company do not fully
appreciate it; so the next is quite startling; and after hearing it we
learn, the cause of the Astronomer's silent merriment in the corner, and
rejoice that Dr. Holmes's experience in "writing as funny as he could"
has proved a warning to this individual:--
"What is stronger than an onion?
Oh, _scissors_! on a summer night
To tax a fat _republican_
In thinking out with all his might
Some mightier thing than on-i-on.
Garlic, maybe's not strong enough
Well, I'll exert my '_spunk_'
So here you have it, 'in the rough,'--
A pole-cat, alias s----k."
The Oleaginous Personage comes next with the question, "Do you like
Crambo?" which was answered, rather ambiguously, thus:--
"If our last lingo was a _specimen_
Of this most wise and learned game,
'Tis sure that thus not many men
Would long be known to fame.
Any of you as well as I
Would knock our type all into _Pi_,
If _ghost_, or man, or printer's devil
Should show us up for good or evil."
Here the sedate and dignified Elsie gives her opinion of a summer
recreation after this fashion:--
"Are you fond of fishing?
A foolish amusement, it seems to me,
To be rocking about on the briny sea
Watching for bites 'neath a broiling sun,
(Mosquitoes will give you 'em when day is done)
For my part I'd rather be left in _peace_
To read of travels in sunny Greece
Varied by poem on 'Pleasures of _Hope_',--
Whate'er my employment I shall not mope--
But it proves great sport for cousin _Bill_.
(He's a youth just starting up Life's hill)
But should he as old as I become
He would conclude that 't is all a 'hum'."
Where a person generally considered "proper" became familiar with slang
I cannot imagine, but I make no remarks. Owing to the absence of two
members of the household, who, having been caught out in the shower, are
probably calculating the specific gravity of rain drops and their effect
on new straw hats, we have doubtless been deprived of more poems of
surprising depth and brilliancy. And, from regard for the excessive
modesty of other participants in the game, I suppress many compositions
of rare merit which were brought out this stormy evening. This letter is
merely to acquaint you with an important fact, which is as follows. As
Dr. Holmes has informed you with regard to the "Asylum for Decayed
Punsters," be it known hereby that we have here started a rival
institution,--a school for poets; so when you wish to secure the
services of any of the graduates, you may know where to apply. And, the
reason why the game of Crambo is like night is, because it is quiet in
the middle and noisy at both ends.