On a clear, cold afternoon towards the end of October go to the Cider
Mill at Jericho, Long Island, and obtain a gallon jug of cider.
Take this home and put in a cool place in the cellar, away from
observation. Cider is rather a bold and forward beverage: ever since
Eden was first established in an apple orchard the fruit has been
tainted with a secret capsule of sin: it is well to let the jug work
(in the fine old brewmaster’s sense of that word) in private, where its
conduct need not be a source of scandal.
Drive the cork in as tightly as possible; but, since Man is no match
for Nature, it will not be possible to prevent its extrusion. The
best way to deal with this problem is to keep chained in the cellar a
trained Cider Hound, a breed of dog known only on the North Shore of
Long Island. This is an animal which, by long instruction, has been
taught to howl when he hears the whoop of a cider cork blown out by
accumulating gases. When the dog howls hasten to the cellar, restopper
the jug, fondle the animal, and give him a small piece of Roquefort
cheese to keep him keen.
Continue this process until the cider has worked for five days--not
longer, or you may (like Faust) unchain dark forces with which you
cannot cope. At the end of the Fifth Day release the animal and carry
the jug upstairs.
Late that night, after the family has retired, pour a pint of cider
into a saucepan and heat it--preferably over the glowing logs of a wood
fire--until it steams. Then stir in three tablespoons of granulated
sugar. Do not be startled by the violence of the foaming and hissing
that ensues--this is only Nature at her inscrutable tasks of making
life puzzling for dogmatists.
Into the steaming sweetened cider pour as much brandy from the family
medicine chest as you think you can spare. If brandy is not obtainable,
whiskey will serve. If whiskey is not obtainable, invite some friend
who has recently made a transatlantic voyage and ask him to breathe
gently upon the saucepan while it is heating.
Serve the beverage hot, and, while drinking, utter any toast or
sentiment that is a favourite in your family. Reckon quantities at the
rate of not more than one pint per person. Mulled cider is recommended
during years of coal shortage, when the house may be chilly; but it is
not to be trifled with save by the most hardy.
Before retiring walk three times round the house and try to name all
the constellations. If you don’t know the names, give them new ones.
This quiets the pulse.
(_P. S.--This is an old recipe, swallowed down through several
generations, which accounts for some of its anachronisms._)