I.

By the Inaccurate.

In the account of an inaugural ceremony it was asserted that "the

procession was very fine, and nearly two miles long, as was also the

report of Dr. Perry, the chaplain."

A Western paper says: "A child was run over by a wagon three years old,

and cross-eyed, with pantalets on, which never spoke afterward."

Here is some descriptive evidence of personal peculiarities:

"A fellow was arrested with short hair."

"I saw a man digging a well with a Roman nose."

"A house was built by a mason of brown stone."

"Wanted--A room by two gentlemen thirty feet long and twenty feet wide."

"A man from Africa called to pay his compliments tall and

dark-complexioned."

"I perceived that it had been scoured with half an eye."

A sea-captain once asserted that his "vessel was beautifully painted

with a tall mast."

In an account of travels we are assured that "a pearl was found by a

sailor in a shell."

A bill presented to a farmer ran thus: "To hanging two barn doors and

myself, 4_s._ 6_d._"

A store-keeper assures his customers that "the longest time and easiest

terms are given by any other house in the city."

Here is a curious evidence of philanthropy: "A wealthy gentleman will

adopt a little boy with a small family."

A parochial report states that "the town farm-house and almshouse have

been carried on the past year to our reasonable satisfaction, especially

the almshouse, at which there have been an unusual amount of sickness

and three deaths."

A Kansas paper thus ends a marriage notice: "The couple left for the

East on the night train where they will reside."

In the account of a shipwreck we find the following: "The captain swam

ashore. So did the chambermaid; she was insured for a large sum and

loaded with pig-iron."

A notice at the entrance to a bridge asserts that "any person driving

over this bridge in a faster pace than a walk shall, if a white person

be fined five dollars, and if a negro receive twenty-five lashes, half

the penalty to be bestowed on the informer."

The following notice appeared on the west end of a country

meeting-house: "Anybody sticking bills against this church will be

prosecuted according to law or any other nuisance."

A gushing but ungrammatical editor says: "We have received a basket of

fine grapes from our friend ----, for which he will please accept our

compliments, some of which are nearly one inch in diameter."

On the panel under the letter-receiver of the General Post-Office,

Dublin, these words are printed: "Post here letters too late for the

next mail."

An Ohio farmer is said to have the following warning posted

conspicuously on his premises: "If any man's or woman's cows or oxen

gits in this here oats his or her tail will be cut off, as the case may

be."

A lady desired to communicate by electricity to her husband in the city

the size of an illuminated text which she had promised for the

Sunday-school room. When the order reached him it read, "Unto us a child

is born, nine feet long by two feet wide."

A farmer who wished to enter some of his live-stock at an agricultural

exhibition, in the innocence of his heart, but with more truth in his

words than he dreamed of, wrote to the committee, saying, "Enter me for

one jackass."

An Irishman complained to his physician that "he stuffed him so much

with drugs that he was ill a long time after he got well."

A correspondent of a New York paper described Mr. C.'s journey to

Washington to attend "the dying bedside of his mother."

A dealer in engravings announced: "'Scotland Forever.' A Cavalry Charge

after Elizabeth Thompson Butler, just published."

A Western paper says that "a fine new school-house has just been

finished in that town capable of accommodating three hundred students

four stories high."

A coroner's verdict read thus: "The deceased came to his death by

excessive drinking, producing apoplexy in the minds of the jury."

An old edition of Morse's geography declares that "Albany has four

hundred dwelling-houses and twenty-four hundred inhabitants, all

standing with their gable-ends to the street."

A member of a school committee writes, "We have two school-rooms

sufficiently large to accommodate three hundred pupils, one above the

other."

A Harrisburg paper, answering a correspondent on a question of

etiquette, says: "When a gentleman and lady are walking upon the street,

the lady should walk inside of the gentleman."

A clergyman writes, "A young woman died in my neighborhood yesterday,

while I was preaching the gospel in a beastly state of intoxication."

A certain friendly society, which was also a sort of mutual insurance

organization, had this among its printed notices to the members: "In the

event of your death, you are requested to bring your book, policy, and

certificate at once to Mr. ----, when your claims will have immediate

attention."

A New York paper, describing a funeral in Jersey City, says: "At the

ferry four friends of the deceased took possession of the carriage and

followed the remains to Evergreen Cemetery, where they were quietly

interred in a new lot without service or ceremony." The devotion of the

friends of the deceased was certainly remarkable, but one can not help

wondering what became of the remains.

A newspaper gives an account of a man who "was driving an old ox when he

became angry and kicked him, hitting his jawbone with such force as to

break his leg." "We have been fairly wild ever since we read the paper,"

writes a contemporary, "to know who or which got angry at whom or what,

and if the ox kicked the man's jaw with such force as to break the ox's

leg, or how it is. Or did the man kick the ox in the jawbone with such

force as to break the ox's leg, and, if so, which leg? It's one of those

things which no man can find out, save only the man who kicked or was

being kicked, as the case may be."

One of Sir Boyle Roche's invitations to an Irish nobleman was rather

equivocal. He wrote, "I hope, my lord, if you ever come within a mile of

my house you will stay there all night."

A German tourist expresses himself in regard to his Scottish experiences

as follows: "A person angry says to-day that he was from the theatre

gallary spit upon. Very fine. I also was spit upon. Not on the dress but

into the eye strait it came with strong force while I look up angry to

the gallary. Befor I come to your country I worship the Scotland of my

books, my 'Waverly Novel,' you know, but now I dwell here since six

months, in all parts, the picture change. I now know of the bad smell,

the oath and curse of God's name, the wisky drink and the rudeness. You

have much money here, but you want what money can not buye--heart

cultivating that makes respect for gentle things. O! to be spit in the

eye in one half million of peopled town. Let me no longer be in this

cold country, where people push in the street, blow the noze with naked

finger, empty the dish at the house door, chooze the clergy from the

lower classes and then go with them to death for an ecclesiastical

theory which none of them can understand. I go home three days time."

There is more in this than grotesque English, however. It abounds with

good sense and penetration.

The following is a pattern piece of modern style, sanctioned by an

English Board of Trade, and drawn up by an eminent authority: "Tickets

are nipped at the Barriers, and passengers admitted to the platforms

will have to be delivered up to the Company in event of the holders

subsequently retiring from the platforms without travelling, and cannot

be recognized for readmission."

A college professor, describing the effect of the wind in some Western

forests, wrote, "In traveling along the road, I even sometimes found the

logs bound and twisted together to such an extent that a mule couldn't

climb over them, so I went round."

A mayor in a university town issued the following proclamation: "Whereas

a Multiplicity of Dangers are often incurred by Damage of outrageous

Accidents by Fire, we whose names are undesigned have thought proper

that the Benefit of an Engine bought by us for the better extinguishing

of which by the Accidents of Almighty God may unto us happen to make a

Rate togather Benevolence for the better propagating such useful

Instruments."