THE HOLY ONE A MAKER OF LONG PRAYERS AND SHORT WAGES
DISCOURSES ON THE BLESSEDNESS OF CHARITY TO POOR DOGS,
AND SHOWS HOW IT INCIDENTALLY PAYS THE BLOOD-SUCKERS WHO
DISPENSE IT.—LADY VANDERBILLION FLEA SUGGESTS A CHARITY
BALL.
THE Honorable and Holy One a Maker was in especially good fettle to-day.
To his usual rotundity of paunch and rubicundity and sleekness of
visage, the warmth of his complimentary-adjectived reception had added
a glow of self-complacency, which gave his countenance the shine and
sheen of transfiguration. Having dined well of this earth’s bounties,
and afterwards in silent communion quaffed deep quaffs of the “Wine of
Holiness” of the oldest and rarest vintage, he was overflowingly full of
beaming sanctimoniousness and charity, and his seventh-day eye was more
highly enlarged and heavenward-lifted than usual; insomuch that all the
lady fleas were enraptured, and said he was an angel, and too beautiful
for anything, bless him.
In accents low and mellifluously cadent, he said: “Dear friends: It
would ill become me to attempt to emulate the magnificent eloquence of
the reverend barkers who have addressed you. Unseen of you, I have heard
their addresses, and I trust I may be pardoned if I try to supplement
their suggestions by the suggestion that in our magnificent efforts
for the spiritual bettering of the canine race, we forget not their
corporeal needs.
“Oh, my friends, I mingle with dogs more, perhaps, than any of ye, and
my heart is torn and bleeds for their poverty and sorrow and suffering,
and I would suggest that we, who have the means, do something for their
corporeal wants. My suggestion is that we do something larger in Charity
for them.
“Oh, my friends, think of the great gifts Heaven has given to us, and
then think of the return we owe to Heaven for the profitable use of
them. As I tell the poor dogs in my blood suckery and in my Sunday
snivelling prayery, we ought to do all we do to the glory of God; for,
God, _He counts all our actions_.
“Now, my friends, I tell you Charity is the finest investment ye can
go in for. It yields the largest dividends. Not only do we please God
by it, and so secure mansions and harps and crowns above, which will
come in very handy, when we can make no more out of this world, but by
giving much in Charity to these dogs, we win their affection and their
veneration, and by soothing their stomachs a little, we soothe their
restlessness and their inclinations to sedition, and so preserve them in
a meek, pious and subservient frame of mind which is conducive to low
wages. Thus you see, my friends, a large Charity fund is putting wealth
_where it will do the most good_.”
Great applause greeted this suggestion of the Honorable One a Maker of
long prayers and short wages, as he resumed his seat.
Then there arose, with great diffidence, a very elegant lady flea. She
was the consort of one of the Monstrous Fleas, Lady Vanderbillion Flea
by name, and with much modesty spake thus:
“Most honorable assembly of fleas: the suggestion of the very Holy One
a Maker of long prayers, touched my heart. The word Charity is the
most holy and tender one in all our language. It is a grace peculiarly
feminine, and it has been reserved by God to lady fleas, as their
highest prerogative, to give it its proper expression, and I would
modestly suggest that all the lady fleas here present give shape and
form to the Charity which our dear brother has, in the fullness of his
heart, recommended.
“I have an idea; I believe it is an inspiration from God: Why not get up
a Charity Ball of the Fleas for the dogs’ benefit?
“Now, we all have one great gift; we are all _great on the hop_, both
male and female. Then why not sanctify this gift by arraying ourselves
in our very best, and, putting on our bravest and most gorgeous panoply
of gold and silver, and our most resplendent gems, to the sound of the
psaltery, cornet, harp, sackbut, dulcimer and all kinds of music, make
a grand hop, and let the proceeds thereof go for the founding of a
hospital for the care of broken-down dogs?”
Here the speaker was interrupted by applause from all the lady fleas,
and tumultuous ejaculations of “Good, good,” “Splendid,” “Oh, wouldn’t
that be just lovely!” “Oh, oh, a grand dressing and hop for Charity.”
But the Honorable One a Maker arose and said it was perhaps a very good
suggestion; but as dancing was to him not the highest form of piety,
and as he always made it a practice never to keep any but the very best
quality of goods in his stock of piety, he would have to decline to be a
contributing party to the matter, but if the ladies present thought that
the Ball could be so managed as to be unobjectionable from a religious
point of view, and to advertise _his_ name abroad to the world, he would
esteem it a favor.
Lady Vanderbillion Flea, resuming, said: “I am proud to see my humble
suggestion so well received. Oh, my dear fellow godly ones, ye know that
we dearly love to hop; we dearly love to bedeck ourselves in gorgeous
ornaments, and we dearly love to be seen one of another in all our
glory; and I suggest that all this love of legitimate display, this
beautiful amusement of ours, which has hitherto been only a pastime, be
for the future put to some holy use and profit.
“Let us bring our whole selves and our amusements as a precious gift,
and lay it as a sacrifice on the altar. Let us sanctify ourselves wholly
in the sight of Heaven. Let us prayerfully and with a contrite heart put
upon us our most costly and resplendent raiment. Let us, with reverence
and all humility, and in the fear of God, fetch out our bushels of
diamonds and rubies and pearls and corals and sapphires and amethysts
and topazes and chalcedonies; our leagues of golden chains, and piles
of bracelets, wristlets, anklets, tiaras and coronets, and in our
most gorgeous equipages, attended by our troops of lackeys, flunkeys,
lickspittles and slaves, repair to some magnificent and brilliantly
appointed hall, and there let us hop with a holy hop unto the glory
of God and the honor of Charity, pure and holy, meek and lowly, chief
of all the graces three. Thus, my friends, shall we combine our own
enjoyment and the benefit of the poor dogs. And the Great Gee Whizz, the
Many Headed Daily Press, will be there, and will write it all down to
tell it all abroad for the amusement and edification of the dogs; and
next morning our left hands shall know all that our right hands have
done, and the whole world shall know how we ‘Danced for Sweet Charity,’
and how the ladies looked and what each one wore, and all about it.
“Oh, my friends, how sweet is the contemplation of the blessedness of
helping God’s poor, of doing good, and in our humble way, helping to
bring in the Kingdom of God. But, above all, we shall have the blissful
assurance in our hearts that we are pleasing God; for we have the word
of Scripture for it that they who give to the poor lend to the Lord; and
the Lord is in great need of loans just now. And think what a comfort it
will be in our dying hour, that for one poor night’s sacrifice for His
poor, we shall have an eternity of reward.
“Of course there will be no dogs admitted, for the admission fee to see
us hop will be so high that none but the rich will be able to afford
it; but as the proceeds are to go to the dogs, this will be a blessing
rather than otherwise. And of course, too, to admit a lot of unkempt,
musty and ill-smelling dogs would mar the harmonies of the picture;
would not consort with the brilliance and beauty of our paraphernalia,
and would offend the delicate sensibilities of our sister saints. They
would assuredly keep away the very rich and æsthetic elite, whom we wish
to come to see us hop. In fact, deeply and intensely as I love the poor,
_in their proper sphere_, I should not care to come myself.
“This, my friends, is my suggestion; and I think that with charity balls
and picture galleries, and free music, and free gospel, the problem
of canine discontent and infidelity and poverty will be pretty nearly
solved. And I think too, that if the dogs are not thankful for all
this great provision that we have made for their temporal and eternal
welfare, they are a most ungrateful set.”
And Lady Vanderbillion Flea sat down amid renewed applause.