THE MUCH TITLED ARCHBISHOP PLETHORIC DOG SHOWS THE
INFALLIBLE WAY OF GOING DOWN TO THE DOGS AND LIFTING
THEM UP TO CHURCH.—MUSIC AND PICTURES.—NOT SO STOMACH
FILLING AS VICTUALS, BUT VERY DISCONTENT-DIVERTING.
AFTER a short interval, to enable the assembly to recover from the
stunning effect of the great Gospel of Going Down, there stepped forward
His Grace, the Veriest, Mostest, Reverendest Archbishop Plethoric Dog,
L.I.C.K.F.O.O.T. £. s. d., $$$$$$, of the diocese of Upper Suckerdom
and all Flunkeydom. He said: “Brethren, the called and chosen, the
divinely-appointed almoners of Heaven’s bounty, I congratulate my most
Reverend, Asthmatic and Holy Brother, Archdeacon Suckerius P. Paunchiana
Fatdog, upon the very able manner in which he has presented before you
the Gospel of Going Down, and you on the happiness and good fortune of
listening to him. I can only support my brother by pointing out how we
can _apply_ his Going Down Gospel. It has struck me that we can make use
of many means which may be sanctified to their good.
“My brethren, there is the means of _Music_, which may be used to uplift
poor dogs. It is well known that even dogs have a love of _Music_ quite
as strong as the most cultivated of fleas. Why not give these dogs
_Cheap Music_? Let us provide for them bands of music to play in the
public places, say, one day in a week. Who knows what the fiddle and
the bow, the trombone and piccolo, the cornet and oboe, the flute and
violoncello, the cymbals and the banjo, the triangle and the drum,
may accomplish, when handled with consecrated paws, and blown with
sanctified breath? Let us show these degraded dogs that we love them,
that we are blood of their blood, and are anxious to minister to their
love of the beautiful in sight and sound. And, my brethren, we can make
even music serve the cause of the church, and the means of drawing them
to the sanctuary—which, of course, should be the aim and the object
of all our efforts. We need not discourse unto them unsanctified jigs,
and profane waltzes, and blasphemous schottisches, by which Satan
beguiles the ungodly. No, no! There is a great multitude of beautiful
pieces of music that have an upward and churchward tendency, that may
be discoursed unto them, such as, ‘I am so happy I’m going to heaven’;
‘I desire to be an angel’; ‘My home is not here, it is over there’; ‘I
am looking above to the heaven of love’; ‘There is a happy land, _far_,
FAR away’; and many others; and all these have a very good tendency to
keep the minds of dogs fixed on things above and away from their sordid
poverty and wicked trifling with the vain nonsense of trying to make
this poor sin-stricken world any better.
“Oh, brethren, there is nothing more entrancing, more uplifting, more
heartmelting, than to hear ‘Go bury thy troubles’ piously rendered by
the cornet, harp, sackbut, psaltery, dulcimer, and all kinds of music.
I have seen dogs melted to tears under it; and I make no doubt that
many souls will be drawn to Church by it; and above all, in the present
alarming state of dog-scepticism, it will have a good effect in drawing
away their minds from the discussion of what they wickedly call their
‘wrongs.’
“Then there is the love of art that may be appealed to. Dogs love to
look at beautiful pictures. Why not open a picture gallery free for
them all to come and gaze their fill? Of course, God, in his wisdom, has
given _us_, alone, the power to buy pictures, but he did not intend us
to be hoggish with them; He no doubt intended that we should share these
our gifts with our inferior fellow creatures. Did not our great Master
teach us to share our gifts with them? Yea, verily; and just as He, by
coming down and imparting his gifts to _us_, has uplifted _us_, and made
_us_ to sit in heavenly places, so we by the same conduct can uplift
those who, by natural and divine ordination, are very wisely placed
beneath us. Of course, we cannot hope ever to abolish their poverty,
and put them on to our plane; for it is evident that the Almighty,
in his wisdom, made dogs to be inferior, just as he made fleas to be
superior. And it is just as evident that he ordained dogs to support
fleas, in return for the inestimable benefits, both moral and spiritual,
that fleas confer on dogs. Ye can easily see, my brethren, that fleas
are absolutely necessary to the well being of dogs. Fancy a community
of dogs without fleas! Who would lead them? Who would watch for their
souls’ welfare? Who would ameliorate their condition of want and
ignorance? Who would have the leisure to go about amongst them, visiting
them in their kennels, soothing their sorrows, binding up their sore
places, calming their discontent with their divinely appointed lot, and
pointing them to a Better Land, when they kick the bucket?
[Illustration]
“Brethren, what I meant to say before I digressed, is, that as one means
of grace—a very great means of very great grace—I rank sanctified
pictures and sanctified song very high. Yes, brethren, let us open a
picture gallery, FREE as salvation, ‘without money and without price,’
open every day and evening in the year, except Sundays and during
Lent, and the Saints’ days, and solemn feasts and solemn fasts, and
Thanksgiving and holidays and other solemn occasions, when infinitely
higher matters—matters of eternal interest—than mere music and
pictures, should engage the attention of dogs. Bearing in mind that
pictures should be an aid to religion—not a substitute—let us put
some of our best pictures on loan; nice soul-uplifting, truly sanctified
pictures, such as ‘Little Samuel’s Waking,’ ‘Daniel in the Lion’s
Den,’ ‘the Prodigal’s Return,’ etc., etc. Such pictures as these fill
the mind with pure and holy thoughts, and when properly administered
will, without interfering with their more imperative duty of attending
church, do them a great amount of good. Of course I do not mean that
we should throw open these our precious treasures of art without
restriction, to the gaze and handling of the whole breed of dogs without
distinction. Oh, no, the dogs must be made to recognize that these are
_our pictures_, and that their owners have rights to be protected. We
must duly impress upon these dogs’ minds that ‘_It is of grace, not of
debt_’ that they look upon them. We must impress upon them that we,
the fleas, so loved the world of dogs that we gave the loan of our art
treasures, that whosoever would might look upon them, and be a better
and more contented dog. Well, not exactly ‘whosoever’; it stands to
sense that we must exclude all dirty dogs, for some of _us_ will be
there sometimes; and we must exclude dogs with sore eyes and bad breath,
as we should not like any of our refined lady visitors to be offended by
such unwholesomenesses; and it will certainly not do to let in profane
and vulgar dogs, as bad manners corrupt the pious dogs. And as for those
dogs who have been known to express subversive sentiments—sentiments
inimical to fleas—that would lead to the overthrow of the present
divinely appointed order of things, why, they must not be admitted at
any price or on any pretense. All others should be allowed, if properly
provided with an admission ticket and vouched for by two respectable
members of flea society. With these trifling but judicious exceptions
and restrictions, I think pictures may, under the divine blessing, be
made an incalculably blessed means to the uplifting of poor, sinful and
fallen caninity.”
This big bug of a barker sat down amid thunders of applause. And the
President, rising, advanced to the front of the platform, and when
the applause had abated, said, in a voice of emotion: “Friends, Heaven
does, indeed, bless us, for as I stand here I see that one whom we all
love and revere has just entered the doorway. [Here the whole assembly
turned to see who it was, and broke again into rapturous vociferation on
beholding enter the very Honorable and Holy One a Maker of long prayers
and short wages]. We have with us _our beloved John_, rich, pious,
patriotic, humble, holy, and altogether lovely, and I shall have the
exalted pleasure of asking him to address us now.”