WILHELM BUNKUM MAK TINLEY DEALS OUT TO THE DOGS SOME
TREMENDOUS DOSES OF BUNKUM, BUT THE DOGS’ SWALLOW IS MUCH
MORE TREMENDOUS AND THEY GULP IT EASILY.—HE TREATS THEM
TO A MASTERLY EXHIBITION OF HIS ART OF STATISTIC AND
AVERAGE JUGGLING.—THE STARVING DOGS DELIGHTED AT FINDING
THEMSELVES PROVED SO WEALTHY.
THEN arose Wilhelm Bunkum Mak Tinley Flea and stepped forward, while
all the assembled fleas cheered and applauded to the echo, which made
all the dogs think that he must be some extraordinary prophet, either
just arisen or just come down. He was a portly flea, of most benevolent
aspect, and seemed to be the very embodiment of sincerity. He had a
mild and beautiful God-Bless-You-My-Children eye, and a beautifully
sympathetic O-How-I-Love-You mouth, which at once inspired respect.
And when he opened his mouth to speak, his softly cadent voice
floated o’er the vast assembly of dogs like angelic music, so that
they—utter strangers to such delightful sounds—stood entranced, and
the Bamboozling Committee beamed glances of perfect satisfaction on one
another.
“Incline your ears unto me, O beautiful, dutiful dogs,” said he, “dogs
of a goodly lineage, free born, noble and independent. Give ear unto
my voice. I esteem it the proudest honor of my life to be permitted
the precious privilege of standing before and addressing such a vast
audience of free and intellectual dogs, as the one now before me. [Great
straightening up of the dogs, and brightening of their eyes.] This is
an audience whose intelligent eyes and noble brows show at once that
nothing but TRUTH will go down with them, [Greater straightening up of
the dogs.] that to fool them is an impossible task. And why? Because ye
are Canisvillians, and that [pointing] is your Flag, the Flag of the
Free. [Great cheering from the fleas and dogs too.]
“And not only is that the Flag of Freedom, but it is the Flag of
Prosperity, too. [Fleas cheer, while dogs wonder.] Yes, fellow citizens,
I repeat it, the Flag of Prosperity. Never was there a country so free
or so prosperous; and I may say never was there a country so able to
defend its freedom and prosperity. [Cheering.]
“I regret to say that there are certain unpatriotic dogs amongst us,
who are so far lost to the sense of their duty to stick up for their
country, right or wrong, as to wickedly assert that dogs in this country
are hungry and poor; but we fling the calumny in their teeth; we brand
it as a lie; we rejoin that it is the lie of our country’s old time
enemy, Kyhidom, and for you dogs to believe it, were a libel upon your
intelligence. [Great wonderment on the countenances of the dogs.]
“But, fellow free citizens, they cannot fool you thus; ye know that ye
are neither hungry nor poor.
“What do Statistics tell us? What saith Average? What saith Protection?
What saith the Great Hunkidori? What saith the Gospel of the Balance of
Trade? What saith the Book of the Prophecy of the Exports and Imports?
What is the voice of the ever blessed and adorable Gold Basis? All these
Holy Scriptures teach us that there is neither hunger nor poverty in all
this glorious land under the Flag of the Free; that we, as a country,
are the fairest, fattest and wealthiest people God’s sun ever shone on.
[Tempestuous applause from the fleas, and great mesmerism of the dogs,
some, however, absent-mindedly stroking their flat bellies.]
“Fellow citizens, the Gospel of the Balance of Trade telleth us that the
Balance is with us, and not agin us. Our god Protection, is as a wall
of fire round about us, warming and comforting us within, and scorching
and shrivelling all those without. The Book of the Prophecy of the
Exports and Imports assureth us that our bread is certain and our water
sure. The Great Hunkidori speaketh and saith that _we_ are all right,
and there is nothing the matter with _us_. And we have the precious
promise of the ever blessed and adorable Gold Basis that no evil shall
touch us while ever our feet are planted on its eternal foundation. And
Statistics tell us that Our National Wealth is greater than that of any
nation of dogs under heaven. [Lusty cheers from the fleas, and delighted
expressions on the faces of the dogs.]
“Yes, fellow citizens, Statistics never lie. They are our infallible
guide through the wilderness of assertion and counter-assertion. You may
rest your weary feet on them every time. When heart and flesh fail you,
and despondency taketh hold upon you; when ye walk through the valley
of ghosts and spectres of Hunger and Poverty and Want, and ye are sore
afraid they are upon you, then look ye to, and trust ye in Statistics,
and ye shall be saved; the ghosts and spectres shall fly away and ye
shall know that ye are full and happy. [Sobs and cries of joy from the
dogs at this beautiful Free Salvation.]
“See, Brethren, See! Statistics tell us that the dogs of Canisville and
country are 65,000. Statistics also tell us that our National Wealth
Heaps, in charge of the Sacred Trustees, contain more than equal to
650,000 basketfuls of good, wholesome food, which, divided by 65,000,
gives an Average of _ten basketfuls Per Capita_. [Ejaculations of
surprise and astonishment from the dogs, who had no idea before that
they were so wealthy.]
“Now, fellow citizens, this is a wonderful showing. Only think of it!
_Ten basketfuls to every dog in Canisville!_ Enough to make every dog
quite corpulent and his ribs to bulge with fullness. It is marvellous.
It is astounding. No other dogs in the whole wide world can show such
an Average. I am told by our brother, Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea,
and by brother Andronicus Carnivorous, that over the pond, in the
best countries there, the Average is not more than _one basketful per
capita_; that in most it is less than that, and that in some it is
nothing at all. [Sighs of sympathy from the dogs for those poor devils.]
“Should not our dogs then, instead of repining that they are not more
wealthy, rejoice and be exceeding glad that they are so much better off
than the poor oppressed dogs of other lands? Ought they not to thank God
hourly for their great Average, and to bless him for Statistics that
make such a wonderful Average possible?
“TEN BASKETFULS PER CAPITA!!! Think for a moment what that means.
Statistics tell us that the average of mouthfuls to the basket, is,
in round numbers, one hundred. This, multiplied by ten, equals _one
thousand mouthfuls per dog_. Think of it! _One thousand mouthfuls of_
GOOD VICTUALS _per dog._ [Sensation amongst the dogs; great watering of
mouths and licking of chops.] The mind fails to grasp the immensity of
the fact; it is stunned; it staggers; it reels. Imagination’s utmost
stretch in wonder dies away. It is wealth incomprehensible. ONE THOUSAND
MOUTHFULS PER DOG!!! It sounds like Fiction. It sounds like a lie, it is
so incredible; and yet, there are the Statistics; there are the figures
which are beyond disproof, beyond dispute. [Great cheering by the dogs
over these facts.]
“Well may the true Canisville dog be proud of his country and his Flag;
proud of his comfortable home and his sleek and fat condition; proud of
the Statistics, and proud of the generous Average the Statistics give
him to eat. [The dogs applaud and cry, “Three cheers for Mak Tinley.” ]
“Shall we surrender, then, this our prosperity, to our Enemy? [Never,
from the dogs.] Shall we haul down the Flag of Freedom that gives us
this prosperity? [No, no, no, from the dogs, and Perish the thought,
from the fleas.] Patriots, fellow citizens, brothers, let us ever
cherish, down in our deepest hearts, the principles that have, under
God, differentiated us from the rest of the world and lifted us to the
highest pinnacle of wealth and greatness that dogs ever enjoyed. Let us
never surrender them, but stick by the Holy Statistics and the Average;
by our Protection and the Great Hunkidori; by the Gospel of the Balance
of Trade, the Book of the Prophecy of the Exports and Imports, and the
ever blessed and adorable Gold Basis. Abide by these; fight for them; if
needs be, die for them; thus shall ye enjoy life and wealth, and glory
and honor and blessing yourselves, and hand down intact your glorious
heritage to your happy posterity.”
[Illustration]
Making genuflexion to the flag, and bowing to the dogs, Mak Tinley
retired, while storms of applause broke out from the dogs.